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Al-B-GUD is the official mascot of Friend Computer's Complex_Youth_Guidance_Program. A happy-go-lucky Troubleshooter, Al-B encourages young Citizens to denounce treason in themselves and report treason in others through catchy songs and nerve-racking games of ethics. The actual Citizen behind Al-B's identity changes, as HPD&MC assigns Troubleshooters as needed through the Mandate program.

Most recently, Al-B was used to push Friend Computer's Baseline_Dental_Health promotion among Alpha Complex's youth. This included lessons on the use of the ADC as well as Floss++, which was supplied by VPR Sector R&D. I helped write the song for that -- "Be a good Citizen/Clean your teeth well/Or await execution/In a five by five cell."

The most recent Al-B vanished in the wake of the Toothpaste_Disaster.

Refs: Complex_Youth_Guidance_Program, Floss++

-- Paul-U-LEG-5

Commentary: And it's a fantastic little ditty! Why, right now I'm listening to the extended re-mix (by Dogg-Y-DOG-2) on my pPod Personal Propaganda Player. You know, if you turn the bass up high enough you can actually feel your internal organs. And yet, it's so tiny...small enough to comfortably rest on your back (well, if you adjust these here straps and kinda walk hunched over*). Amazing what they can do these days!

Well, time to mosey down to the Commisary and pick up some moisturizer...toodles!

*Not that I'm complaining, no sirree! In fact, walking in this position has greatly improved my awareness of sector corridor conditions. Oooh...looks like someone missed a spot!

-- Brush-U-TTH-32

"Brush good, floss right, everyday!/Or by summary execution as a Commie you'll pay." That jingle's so good you could swear Our Friend Computer wrote it. Actually come to think of it, this jingle you helped write Paul-U, seems treasonously similar to the perfect utterances of Our Friend Computer on the matter of positive Infrared work habits in support of Alpha Complex's dietary needs:

"Attention good Citizen/Stir the food vats well/Or await execution/In a two by three cell. Stir good, skim right, everyday!/Or by summary execution as a Commie you'll pay."

I think this might warrant further investigation.

-- Costin-U

You know, I warned Don-U's promotions team at HPD&MC not to start promoting the ADC until we actually rolled out with it. Now we've got a whole generation of clones subliminally programmed to stick their heads into anything that looks like the prototype, which unfortunately looked a lot like the GRATEs* present in most commissaries. "Just leave this marketing stuff to us," they said. Idiots.

*: GRATE: Garbage Recycler and Applied Treason Extractor

-- Servs-U

(Sigh.) Typical. A few faces get torn off and the Tech guys want to blame Marketing.

Maybe we didn't program those clones to stick their heads into boxes of rotating knives. Maybe they all already wanted to stick their heads into mysterious boxes scattered around industrial sectors at knee level with clearly marked warning labels. HPD&MC's promotion of the ADC rollout was just responding to that deep unconscious desire. Give the citizens what they want!* That's the key to successful neuro-programming.

*(Note: Do not give the citizens what they want.)

-- Don-U

Speaking of not giving the citizens what they want, Don-U, how are the Contaminant Levels in your sleepchamber? Because if you confuse me with one of those jerks in Tech again, they might jump 700%. By accident, you know. We've been having some trouble in that area.

-- Servs-U

As far as I can tell, you're always having trouble in that area, Servs-U. But that's Power Services for you.

-- Cee-U

Cee-U is right. We have been always been having trouble in the area of Contaminant Levels in Don-U's sleepchamber, as Tech Services has a long and well-documented history* of installing (and improperly so, I might add) substandard Choke-No-Mor filtration units in that sector.

*: See Service History Archives DON/433-#a3 through DON/490-11.4Q

-- Servs-U

Naturally when I hear about Tech Services using substandard equipment I get concerned. So I had a look into the records and determined that the Choke-No-Mor units in that sector are not at all substandard, but rather properly inspected and installed grade 6 Choke-No-Mor units that were all functioning well within the expected parameters of a grade 6 unit. I would also like to point out that if you look at the 406 and 432 archives, Tech Services strongly recommended that grade 3 units or better be installed in that area based on CPU reported levels of particulate matter and odorous compounds detected there. If you're telling me now that the much worse grade 6 units aren't doing a great job of clearing that out, all I can say is that just goes to show we know our stuff.

In fact, looking at this Authorization of Unit Alteration form (in the 432 archives), it seems our recommendation was countermanded by one Und-V-DOG-6 of Power Services for reasons of cheapness.. I'm sorry, efficiency. Isn't he a direct assistant of yours, Servs? In fact, I'm sure I can produce a recording of you explaining to him how you didn't think that sector was worth the minimal extra cost it would have been to ensure good quality units installed.. or at least.. I probably can within the next daycycle. Voice verification will show at least 95% probability of it being you and Und, I expect.

-- Watt

No need to fabricate evidence in your usual fashion, Watt. It's true Und-V-DOG-6 was, in fact, my direct assistant. He acted against my orders, and was subsequently executed as is proper (see Treason Voucher RIT-397-A14), while Und-V-DOG-7 is proving most loyal. As for the Choke-No-Mor units...hate to break it to you, Watt, but subsequent examination of the 406 and 432 archives show evidence of post-filing alterations orginating from your terminal (thanks for the tip, Err-U). The units themselves are certainly operating well within the expected parameters of grade 6 units, which is a miracle of Power Services jury-rigging (yes, we splice-happy clones) bringing the installed grade 9 units up as a high in performance as we can without a total replacement (something countermanded by your department, Watt-U). Given that it seems Und-V's countermanding of your recommendations was based on the original (and now suspiciously altered) recommendations, I rather suspect I owe him an apology. Shame on you, Watt-U. Please note that I've already had my DebateIsFutileResolutionForm processed and approved, so I'd say no more on the matter if I were you.

-- Servs-U

Well of course I wouldn't debate you in this matter, Servs. No need to, after all, I have my security videos, I'm sure they'll be able to show us exactly who it was that managed to get access to my terminal to make these changes you've alleged -- assuming this isn't just another case of the CPU assigning INFRARED workers to do their filing for them again.

By the way, do you prefer your left or right side for the camera?

-- Watt

Your insistence on pursuing this matter is noted, Watt-U. While your zeal is commendable, it is also in violation of Section 4c(iii) of the DebateIsFutileResolutionForm, and as such all relevant documentation and evidence (including your precious security videos) are to be siezed, bathed in Acidophizz, then fired by Mass Driver into the core of the Earth. Not my doing, of course; it's standard. I hope we can put this episode behind us and unite in pursuing more important concerns we both share, such as why HPD&MC continues to depict the work of our Service Groups as unglamorous, hazardous, and barely preferable to volunteering with R&D's Experimental Fuels programs.

-- Servs-U

This strikes me as an excellent suggestion. Of course we can put this matter behind us. We stand as one in service of Friend Computer, after all. And I'm sure you didn't mean to imply there was anything wrong with volunteering for a valuable R&D program, but merely used that as a figure of speech.

Also, in the interests of our new-found camaraderie I'll point out that if your DebateIsFutileResolutionForm has a section 4c(iii), you're using the previous version which is now obsolete, and as such, is not valid. The current version moved the entire "4c" clause down to a new section 7. Trust me on this, as I've filled out the most recent one for this matter. You'll want to get on CPU or PLC for a new batch.

-- Watt

If only Al-B had paid my little Codemonkeys a visit... maybe they never would have turned to treason.

-- Circ-U

It's what's for eveningmealcycle. Algae is the main staple of dietary supplement in Alpha Complex. It is grown in huge Vats, and is cultivated by masses of INFRARED citizens. They are happy to serve their Complex.

Since BAD Sector has the second largest Algae Vat in all of Alpha Complex, it is very important that production remain at the current levels, as BAD Sector exports 85% of its AlgaePro (TM) across Alpha. When I (Screwz-U) received a communique that the shipment of Toothpasty_Supplement_#5 was going to be delayed, I knew it would be trouble. I just had no idea how much this treason would affect my Sector.

After making a few inquiries and terminating a few traitors (sometimes both at the same time to save valuable resources!), I discovered that Brush-U-TTH-32 had signed the order authorizing the shipment. No response as to the cause of the delay.

-- Screwz-U-BAD-3

Refs: Toothpasty_Supplement_#5

Commentary: I profusely apologize for the delay in correspondence, Friend High Programmer Screwz. It would appear that the Toothpasty_Supplement_#5 scheduled to be pumped to your sector has been tampered with by Communist saboteurs using the name Alpha_Complexity. As of now I am aware of the situation and would advise inhabitants of your sector to not, I repeat NOT use the unknown substance that was pumped to BAD Sector last weekcycle. Thank you for your time and cooperation and have a great daycycle!

-- Brush-U-TTH-32

Due to your timely warning, only 1% of the users had to be terminated for use of an illegal substance. The rest were completly rehabilitated!

-- Screwz-U-BAD-3

B1 (otherwise known as Brew) was the most popular drink in Alpha Complex over 100 yearcycles ago. Even after it was replaced by B2, it continues to be actively produced thanks to its secondary use as construction caulking.

PLC sold the secret recipe to HPD&MC in yearcycle 87 for 3,564,800 credits. When it was discovered that the credits were only good for HPD&MC vidtape purchases and expired in 90 daycycles, massive amounts of Documentaries were bought up by PLC. Bolstered by its unexpected earnings, HPD&MC's Non-Fictional Production Studios churned out record amounts of crud that year, including such stinkers as "The Useless Belly Button", "Watching Paint Dry", and "Infrareds in the Smoke". The psychiatric impact of this deluge on Alpha Complex's citizens is still being measured.

Meanwhile, PLC quickly used up its documentaries thanks to their secondary use as projectile weapons.

--Drake-U-LAH-1

References: B2, Documentaries

"Watching Paint Dry" wasn't so bad. I particularly enjoyed the part at the end, where it looked as if the paint had dried... but it hadn't quite dried yet. That was classic!

--Circ-U-LAT-23

The less said about B2 ("Biogelatinous Broth"), the better. It was the official drink of Alpha Complex for only 3 yearcycles. Extensive tests revealed that it was responsible for the sharp rise in giant amoeba sightings, thanks its dual role as a severe hallucinogenic and a bioorganic catalyst.

Although the formula for it was supposed to have died off with the introduction of B3, it was revived by COLgate_BioTech, who modified it to develop Bile_Suppressant.

Coincidentally, Jan-U-ARY-3 was in charge of the original development of B2, all those years ago.

-- Drake-U-LAH-1

I did the best I could with those R&D psychopaths, but you know how hard it is to keep them on track. Did you know that the R&D team's initial B2 prototype turned consumers into a thick yellow spray? I consider the fact that B2 actually turned out to be non-lethal, let alone digestible, to be a triumph of epic proportions.

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

References: B3, COLgate_BioTech

B3 (Bouncy Bubble Beverage)

The perfect drink for the perfectly happy clone.

B3, also called BBB, is third drink in its line, before which there was B1 (or just B, which stands for 'Brew'), and B2 (also called BB, which stands for 'Biogelatinous Broth'), B3 is the ultimate in clone refreshment technology. While there has been recent experimentation with a successor beverage, called B4 to address certain oral hygene issues, everyclone knows that B3 is already perfect. Some clones have mentioned "B0" as well, which is an improper reference to the original prototype drink. Any such improper reference should be deleted for security reasons, as all knowledge about the prototype drink is treasonous and best forgotten.

Blended from a particular type of slime mold which grows on the food vats, often referred to as VatSlime when the word is not being treasonously used as an insult, these succulent mold extracts were first blended into their modern form in the BBB sector, making everyclone's favorite drink.

Troubleshooters also love this drink because of a number of unusual properties, especially with certain batches of B3 or various mixes, such as the B3 with extra chlorine, which made a wonderful cleaning solution. I doubt that anyclone can give a complete listing of all the properties of B3, though I have no doubt that my fellow High Programmers will annotate any interesting ones I forget to mention, but those properties I have found most interesting (and occasionally quite useful) are B3's:

Smooth, refreshing taste.
Explodes when mixed with water.
Explodes when shaken vigorously and then opened.
Explodes when exposed to bright lights for a long period of time.
Some batches were contaminated with hallucinogens, ChemiLuminoOxygrin, or mutagenic agents.
It can be used as a truth serum, if injected intravenously.
May cause spontanious clone combustion, especially with mutants.
Is highly addictive.

Refs: ChemiLuminoOxygrin, VatSlime

-- Omega-U-MAN-5

Of course it wasn't called BBB sector then. But of course VRP sector wasn't good enough for HPD&MC; they had to rename it. Remember the Traffic Riots of '25? That's what needless, overblown marketing ploys like this get you.

-- Jan-U

You are forgetting, of course, that the reason that BBB is the most popular drink in Alpha Complex is because of the highly-explosive nature of its contents when shaken. Troubleshooters have nicknamed it the "Poor Clone's Grenade", and they'll snatch up 10 dozen bottles if given the chance.

Now, Jan-U, have you even LOOKED at my proposals regarding reducing its explosive nature? If I didn't know better, I'd swear that you want to keep it that way...

-- Drake-U-LAH-1

The reason I haven't looked at your proposals, Drake-U, is that they should properly be directed to R&D, not PLC.

-- Jan-U

Sssssst! Sister, you got schooled.

-- Brush-U

B4 was the code name of an experimental new "tooth friendly" soft drink. Had the project not been aborted, this beverage would have replaced the popular Bouncy Bubble Beverage, or "B3", as they call it in the break rooms.

The B4 project was initiated at the request of the late Brush-U-TTH-31, who first contacted me about six months before the unfortunate toothpaste incident. Brush-U had commissioned a report on Dental Hygiene in the Alpha Complex. The (rather questionable) report found that the "highly acidic composition" of Bouncy Bubble Beverage was responsible for an epidemic of tooth decay, and that the B3 recipe should be adjusted accordingly... by my department. I reminded Brush-U that R&D already offered a full line of replacement teeth - including the newly released CyberChomp_4000 - which made Tooth_Decay a non-issue. However, he would not be dissuaded.

Two months later, B4 was ready for testing. Initial focus group results were quite positive, with 87% of respondents praising the new formula as "Smooth" and "Refreshing". Furthermore, the remaining 13% would have similarly praised the product, were it not for an unusual tongue growth that made speech rather difficult for the afflicted respondents. Things were looking good for B4... the PLC guys were planning to roll out the new beverage within weeks. It was at this point that Brush-U contacted me again, telling me he had found "another, far more permanent" solution to the tooth decay issue. Shortly thereafter, the project was cancelled.

Now all that's left of B4 is a pile of notes and a warehouse full of "WAKE ME UP **B4** YOU GO GO" promotional T-shirts.

-- Circ-U-LAT-23

Refs: CyberChomp_4000, Tooth_Decay

Referenced by:

Commentary: Good news, Friend High Programmer Circ-U! My concept for Virtual Food capsules is current undergoing public beta-testing in sectors ATK and INS. Imagine: one day we can all eat whatever we want, whenever we want, just by thinking about it! Excited? Let me tell you, sister! BTW, please have someone from WAM Sector send me some of those promotional shirts. They sound fantastic!

-- Brush-U-TTH-32

What clearance are those promotional shirts, Programmer? I'm curious.

--Err-U-DYT

Since B4 was intended as a drink for the masses, the shirts were all cleared for Infrared citizens. If either you or Friend High Programmer Brush-U want any of the shirts, they are yours for the taking! Actually, I heard that a few dozen of them may have been briefly commandeered by a team of Troubleshooters assigned to mop up an Acidophizz spill. However, I'm certain that those drug-saturated garments were disposed of properly - not returned to the warehouse where the other shirts are being stored. Well, fairly certain...

-- Circ-U-LAT-23

A quick note, a side-effect that was noted in B4 is that the fumes it produces may have an effect on Asimov circuits. Unfortunately due to the short time-frame it was available, a full suite of testing was unable to be run. However, this may have played a role in the Defective_Batch_ACA675T09-XXXX.

-- Watt

Indeed. I believe this to have played some role in the dissapearance of the only prototype CyberHack_Programming_Helmet and have made notes for the clones in charge of researching Project_Infinite_Hole to investigate further... Hopefully the source of the treasonous incompetance surrounding us will eventually be discovered and terminated.

-- Omega-U-MAN-5

Several unusual items were found by a roving Patrolbot in GTM sector, approximately 28 hourcycles after Make-U had given up and declared martial law in CRY and vertically adjoining BBY sectors, and making the unconscionable mistake of revoking standard toothpaste rations (proven by IntSec to be violently addictive) on all days with non-prime monthcycle indices. This action led directly to the tragic ToothpasteRebellion, as CRY & BBY sector clones began to resist computer orders and ended in the computer's wise and and necessary termination of over 11,400 clones. Leading this group was an apparently Blue AND Infrared citizen, unidentified by the computer, and exhibiting insane behavior and reckless encouragement of treason. His uniform bore a symbol matching several of the ItemsInQuestion, further examination of which proved conclusively that this mysterious cloaked clone not only planned this revolt but also for a brief time simultaneously led a separate group trying to prevent it.

Before losing his mind to the ravages of a fatal 560k Rads of B4 exposure, he had been a well-celebrated market researcher that The Computer had, in it's most perfect wisdom, appointed to consult on the consumer taste profile of the soon-to-be-released beverage.

The detonation of the CRY-BBY sectors caused trouble for Power Services and Tech Services even several sectors away, and caused several terminations in adjoining superheated areas. One clone figure survived the calamity long enough to be shot by award-winning Troubleshooter Peter-G-UNN-5. The only words he spoke were reported to be "I am Batclone". I tried to warn Make-U when I first heard the CommitteesDecisionOnTheItemsInQuestion, that it would be trouble to cut back on rations, but it was too late.

-- Toothy-U-Nix-4

Refs: ToothpasteRebellion, ItemsInQuestion, B4, CommitteesDecisionOnTheItemsInQuestion

Once again, the "11,400 terminations" number is used, when subsequent investigations have repeatedly shown that the true toll of the ToothpasteRebellion was nearly an order of magnitude greater. Why does everyone downplay the excessive use of force that Armed Forces exercised here? Not all the victims of their indiscriminate massacre were legimitate Tooth-Rebels, officially identified and slated by the Computer; tens of thousands of non-Rebel clones were destroyed. Now, I'll be the first to admit the odds are good that many of these clones were guilty of other executable Treasonous Action Related Program Activities (TARPA), but we can't just go around killing clones for treason without knowing which treason they should be killed for. It throws Internal Security's entire Self Audit Termination Categorization Assessment Benchmark (SATCAB) into disarray, when we have clones being "terminated" without a corresponding record of verified treasonous offense. Granted, the occasional over-eager Troubleshooter team here or there will vanish in the margin of error, but 80,000 uncategorized deaths in a single afternoon...?

-- Knok-U-OUT-5

Of course, now that I think about it, perhaps Internal Security is the one behind the downplaying of the final death toll-- not Armed Forces-- since it would be in their interest to sweep these mistakes under the scrubot (and away from their audit) and pretend they never heard about them. If only we had a member of Internal Security on this review board, who could give us some straight answers on the matter. Jan-U, you wouldn't happen to know of any IntSec plants on this commission, would you?

-- Knok-U-OUT-5

If there are any Internal Security agents on the commission, Knok-U, they've failed to fill out the necessary paperwork. And as far as I'm concerned, if they haven't filed a 099/FL37CH/007 Registration of Multiple Service Group Affiliation (Restricted), then they can't possibly be a real IntSec plant. I'm sure you see what I mean.

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

Note, my esteemed colleague Knok-U, that I did not say "exactly 11,400 terminations". Also note also that in light of Make-U's use of PLC's new EZ/Bake Pre-Emptive Bulk Termination Form 553-3/43, the vaporization of all clones in sectors CRY and BBY was technically authorized, and had been approved by the time the Tic/Tac/Nuke & Cream Cheese dispensers rolled to their appointed positions and began dispensing. Assuredly the residue formerly known as BBY sector and it's neighbor was filled with clones guilty of treason by proximity to treason and everyclone involved would have been less efficiently terminated in time, if they had not been dispensed with during this incident.

-- Toothy-U-NIX-4

A vital ingredient for creating Toothpasty_Supplement_#5, recently in short supply in Costin-U-MOR-8's home sector. No reports yet as to why, although Commie_Mutant_Traitors were doubtless involved. Sometimes I wonder about Costin-U's VIOLET supervisors, but no obvious treason can be reported to them.

Beta-Toxsystene is a fully researched protein activator which dissolves the trace amounts of Algae left behind after eager Citizens report back to work just a scant 37.4 seconds after finishing their mealcycles. On occasion, I (Screwz-U) have been known to reward especially eager Citizens (who make it back in just 23.5 seconds) with a "Minte-Frech" version, to make remind them that I care. If a Citizen is even more efficient, I will even have a courier deliver an "Aur-Frechenir" with my smiling face on it, with the Citizens name on it, so that they can bask in the "Minte" aroma for up to 6 hourcycles!

-- Screwz-U-BAD-3

Refs: Commie_Mutant_Traitors, VIOLET_Supervisors

Commentary:

I'll remind you again that putting Beta-Toxsystene into general circulation is a bad idea. Communists and Death Leopard activists have contaminated three major Algae Vats with Beta-Toxsystene within the last monthcycle alone. I once again recommend that all algae-dissolving protein activators be reclassified to Green or higher clearance.

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

Speaking for Power, we're finding this stuff all over the place. We've even found it flowing in the electrical ducts in some sectors, and you can't tell me that's right. Not to mention the trace amounts detected during cleanup of the Four_Reactor_Foam_Flood. Who's putting this stuff there? Anyone from R&D know about any pet projects with this stuff?

-- Servs-U

Could be rogue Denta-Bots or other cybernetic oral implants. I hear some of them have taken up a feral existence in the duct and conduit system. I still remember that horrible ToothBot incident where some of the bots chewed their way free of their owners' jaws. It's the sort of thing that makes me glad that I don't have a mouth.

-- Jan-U

Interestingly, we in R&D discovered that it seems to have electric-damping qualities. We're not sure why, though I imagine if it was in fact in the electrical ductwork as Servs-U says, it certainly didn't help matters during the Disaster.

Of course, we discovered this after finding it in the ducts ourselves. No experiments here. No siree.

-- Paul-U-LEG-5

You know, Jan-U-ARY-31, I have no problems whatsoever doing just that. Might as well make it Blue.

-- Screwz-U

The paperwork to reclassify Beta-Toxsystene to a higher security clearance was filed some time ago - there are, in point of fact, three such sets of paperwork, each specifying alteration to a different security clearance (or graded set of security clearances, in the case of AU32/Reclas_$4F DS992-alpha [CPU7]. The conflicting multi-part redundancy is directly responsible for the ensuing processing time. I remind all High Programmers that the standing CPU recommendation is to routinely submit a Annulment Contingency Rider along with forms of any notable thickness.

-- Err-U-DYT

There are some who say this is the ultimate Anger_Management tool, especially when used to give someone a Whole_Oral_Experience. As Citizen Santa-Y-ANA-6 was so fond of saying, Those who do not remember Boomstick are doomed to eat it. Ah, what a kidder he was. They're still finding pieces of him here and there.

-- Knok-U-OUT

Refs: Anger_Management, Whole_Oral_Experience

Bouillon is thought to originally be (as suggested by great historian Ple-U-TRK-1) an Old Reckoning animal, which roamed in great marauding herds destroying every civilization it came in contact with until at last they were hunted to near extinction. Through hard work with Production, Logistics and Commissary, though, The Computer was able to resynthesis the essence of bouillon as one of the Thirty-one_Official_Flavors. After the initial success of the toothpaste launch, The Computer asked the Iron_Chef to produce and release a batch of bouillon-flavored toothpaste. Kept out of public record, the release was linked to at least 287 willful self-terminations within its first week. The remaining bouillon-flavored paste was discretely removed from circulation and the whole issue subsequently denied.

-- Dursch-U-WTZ-8

Refs: Iron_Chef, Thirty-one_Official_Flavors

Commentary:

According to the historical writer Chase-B-ANK-5, bouillon was actually another name for gold (Au-79). Apparently it was used for a number of financial and transactional purposes. Any culinary application would have been incidental at best. I mean, what would it taste like?

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

Very tangy, probably. I, for one, prefer the taste of cold coat zippers, the kind that rubs off on your fingers. Mmmm...

My producers STILL haven't perfected it for would-be official flavor Ferric Fun. Perhaps another random execution will motivate them.

-- Drake-U-LAH-1

Well, that would explain why they were hunted to extinction, Jan-U. Between being a valuable method of currency as well as as slow moving as a creature made of a substance with that atomic-weight would have to be... they could have been hunted to extinction before the invention of the pre-computer!

-- Dursch-U

ChemiLuminoOxygrin

Another fine product from BAD sector R&D labratories, CLOg (a.k.a. "The Smiling Molecule" due to its unusual shape) was a breakthrough tooth whitener/drain cleaner. The combination proved to be of invaluable assistance during the Four_Reactor_Foam_Flood. CLOg uses the clone's own mouth movements to scrape the calcium teeth clear of any obstructions. We tried to put warning lables telling clones not to swallow, but Kill-U-DED's treatese on "Warning Label Size Reduction to Redirect Warning" showed the Computer that most warning labels are generally above the average Citizens security clearance, and should not be printed in the first place. Good work, Kill-U. I have sent requests that All Aqua_Purity_Emergency_Sediment_and_Chemical_Interception_Teams be equipped with this, instead of chlorine dioxide, but have had no response from Make-U-CRY-2.

Refs: Aqua_Purity_Emergency_Sediment_and_Chemical_Interception_Team, Four_Reactor_Foam_Flood, Make-U-CRY-2

-- Screwz-U-BAD-3

Comments:

Tsk! Screwz-U-BAD-3 treasonously forgot to sign their entry! Of course, they will no doubt fix it quietly and claim that my comment was mistaken... But that is when I will have to show them the true power of my DebateIsFutileResolutionForm ...

-- Omega-U-MAN-5

Or run their entries through Friend Computer's 100% efficient Spell-O-Gram document checker. It worries me that Screwz-U's R&D operatives continue to work beyond the remit generally laid down by The Computer's standard procedures and, therefore, common sense. Written warnings have never been used for any communications beneath Orange Security Clearance, which is why Friend Computer developed the colourful and entertaining "InfoGlyph: Understanding Through Big Simple Colourful Pictures" system.

-- Costin-U-MOR-8

I should point out that the PLC implementation of Kill-U's recommended course of action-- that is, no longer supplying warning labels-- has resulted in a 14% reduction in printing costs with only a 12% rise in permanently-defuctionalizing accidents (when averaged across all Security Clearances, that is; obviously the rate is much higher among INFRAREDs and reduces steadily to a mere 2% among our VIOLET Citizenry).

-- Knok-U-OUT-5

We all know that most INFRAREDs can't understand how we get the toothpaste into the tube in the first place. Info Glyphs have been so overproduced that every sticker has a sticker on it to tell you how to read the sticker. INFRAREDs can be trusted with simple words. I've proven that in my "Average Citizen Color Recognition vs. Laser Cannon Reprimand" vid. The Computer approves, and so should you.

-- Screwz-U-BAD-3

Your point might hold more weight if you hadn't withheld publication of that vid until after HPD-MindLabz sank a kajillion credits' worth of R&D vouchers into the Simplified InfoGlyph Mnemonic Protocol. If SIMP turns out to be a bust, who do you think's going to go down for Willful Disregard for Alpha Complex Public Funding (code 1147/J)? Yes, that would be you.

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

Your years in R&D, Screwz-U, seem to have distanced you from reality more than you might imagine. The lowliest security-cleared HPD&MC floor cleaner knows that reading, more often than not, is something only assumed in Citizens of higher than Yellow clearance. That's why they don't waste valuable time splicing complex subliminals into vid-channels until you hit Green clearance viewers and above. I remind you of Friend Computers mantra - "What you don't know can't hurt you (much)!".

-- Costin-U-MOR-8

Costin-U-MOR-8, are you perhaps referencing the fact that my sector spends more credits on Basic Education than your does? How shameful. My INFRAREDS can all spell the word "Radiation" by their 2nd week. "Danger" by the third. Yours, I've noticed, have a tendancy to think that Nuk-Ems go inside a reactor to heat up.

Jan-U-ARY-31, that vid was delayed only by securing the proper paperwork, and ensuring that all forms and reviews were properly filled out. Any implications that I willfully withheld vital information can be reviewed by CPU.

--Screwz-U-BAD-3

I admit the possibility that the delay, and the concominant endangerment of the SIMP project, can be attributed to bad timing rather than willful negligence.

-- Jan-U

Screwz-U - are you referencing the fact that my Sector doesn't waste valuable Alpha Complex time and resources on superfluous work-function disrupting education. MOR Sector has fully deployed the SIMP across all sub-sectors and Citizen comprehension of the system is enforced throughout. Positive encouragement and extra Cold Fun go a long way in this respect, and as a result productivity is up and non-essential expenditure on Clones is kept to a minimum, especially at early Clearance levels when Citizens may choose to make life-changing decisions that mean they will no longer be needing a work place, non-essential education, a home - or indeed any trappings of a Citizen living in this Sector.

-- Costin-U-MOR-8

Actually, Costin-U, I was referring to your unwillingness to embrace the Helmet_Of_Education, which simplifies the process of educating an INFRARED to around 5 minutes via the AlphaNet. I simply upload the appropriate skills for a few groups, then sit back as they come out feeling refreshed. So there's a 2% chance of Neuro-Cascade_Failure. I simply believe that an informed Citizen is a happier, more productive Citizen. Since implementation, I have 12% fewer Requests for Self Termination, production of Assembly Line products are up by at least 8%, Smile-UP Happiness pill consumption is down by 5%, which means I'll have a surplus for you to buy when your INFRAREDS are so depressed they jump into a food vat, like last weekcycle. Never found her, did you? Pity. You might have understood why that particular clone filed their last Sector Transfer Request Form.

-- Screwz-U-BAD-3

I believe she was found on a service call for the large-chunk strainer. We figured the simplest way to handle it, both paperwork and clone, is to simply redirect the outflow to the Soylent production line. Everything is, shall we say, going through the system as we speak.

-- Watt

Ah, Soylent Red. Made from the best stuff in the Complex.

-- Screwz-U-BAD-3

Whilst I would certainly wouldn't want to call my esteemed collegue a stinking, dirty, commie liar, I must say that no mention of ChemiLuminoOxygrin ever came across my desk. Then again, this could be because I was out and about doing important work, like keeping Alpha Complex free from commie filth and didn't have to grow fat behind a desk devising useless intitatives.

-- Make-U-CRY-2

Codemonkeys

Another example of a perfectly good R&D project, ruined by the incompetence of small-minded bureaucrats.

It all began one afternooncycle, when I was enjoying a sensible algae lunch with noted CPU researcher Err-U-DYT-9 in the High Programmer Cafeteria/Karaoke Lounge. Err-U, as usual, was quite frustrated by what he perceived as the "substandard quality of code implementation" in many critical CPU subsystems. "Some of the code in there is so badly written," Err-U confided, "it could have been better written by a damn monkey!" I considered this for a moment, then replied: "I think we should put that theory to the test!"

While most clones in the Alpha Complex believe that the Monkey was a mythological creature, much like the Leprechaun or the Jesus, the Gatzmann_Archives tell us differently. Not only did monkeys exist in the Old Reckoning, roaming freely through the corridors and discotheques, but they were capable of creating great works of art and literature (under the right circumstances)! Conveniently, the Gatzmann_Archives also had genetic data for these wondrous creatures. Though Old Reckoning genetic scans tended to be rather primitive and incomplete, I was able to fill in the blanks and build a complete simian GeneScan_Image that was compatible with R&D's advanced Cloning Vats.

So was the first Codemonkey born. Again consulting the Gatzmann_Archives, I determined that this creature would be most productive if I provided it with a data entry station that was tied into a nutritional supplement distribution unit. Simply put, if the monkey wanted to eat, she had to type. Initial results were poor. It took two monthcycles before she even created one line of usable code. However, I figured this was merely a problem of scale. Like so many problems in life, I determined that this obstacle could be overcome by producing more monkeys. Lots more monkeys. Since the CRY and BBY sectors had recently been vacated (see the Batclone entry), I moved dedicated cloning vats into those sectors, along with thousands of data entry stations/nutritional distribution units.

Once we had a thriving population of 500,000 codemonkeys, the code started rolling in! Even though half the code appeared to be crude attempts to hack the nutritional supplement distribution system, Err-U assured me that the rest of it was high quality and useful code. Score another success for R&D!

It was at this point that some anonymous busybody "busted" us for feeding the CM's non-regulation supplements - they were formulated specifically for the simian palette and therefore deviated from the Thirty-one_Official_Flavors. PLC was instructed to switch the supplements being distributed to CRY and BBY sectors. The Codemonkeys did not take well to the Official Flavors, to say the least. In an act of protest, the CMs conspired to create the treasonous Thirty-second_Flavor - which many believe was *the* fundamental catalyst that set the Toothpaste Disaster in motion. Needless to say, all codemonkeys were terminated shortly thereafter. What a waste.

-- Circ-U-LAT-23

Refs: GeneScan_Image, Thirty-second_Flavor, Gatzmann_Archives, Batclone

Commentary:

And to think that the Thirty-second_Flavor was, in fact, on the list of Approximately Two Hundred and Thirty-Seven Semi-Official Flavors Under Consideration! Had the codemonkeys only followed proper procedure, their flavor might have been granted official status within nine to eighteen monthcycles.

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

Circ-U: Your persistence in attempting to construct something of use with data from the Gatzmann_Archives was...quite persistent. While I am flattered by your considering me a colleague in your enthusiastic endeavor, I must confess to being quite startled at how you'd taken my offhand comment when you arrived with the first transbot-load of code.

I promise you that if my assurances of useful code production were merely a diversion to keep you occupied while anonymously reporting your failure to adhere to known flavor standards, I would vigorously refrain from denying such activity.

--Err-U-DYT-9

Well, I suppose in the spirit of full disclosure, I should tell you that I never let you see any of the real Codemonkey work product, Err-U. Not a single line. The stuff I sent you was actually generated by a colony of Code-Amoebas in a little dish on my desk (I always knew I'd find a use for those tiny, industrious little fellows!) Sorry, but the real code generated by the Codemonkeys was far too valuable to allow you to mischaracterize in another one of your inflammatory reports. The code in question was sold to an Armed Forces subgroup that has found a number of fascinating uses for it.

-- Circ-U-LAT-23

So, Citizen Circ-U-LAT-23... you are saying (and this is already on the record) that you deliberately misled an Ultraviolet clearance citizen, a fellow High Programmer? I find it odd that you failed to mention the eventual disposition of this code in your formal analysis of this issue. Whom else have you misled about this? I think it is important that we document this for the panel.

-- Mesh-U

Thank you for your interest, Mesh-U. Actually, what is on the record is that I told Err-U about the existence of the Codemonkeys project and that I brought him some code for analysis. At no point did I tell our mutual friend from DYT sector that the code I sent him had actually been produced by the Codemonkeys, nor did I stipulate to that effect in the record. If Err-U made a false assumption regarding the origin of that code, that is unfortunate. As they say, "When you ASSUME you make a UME out of AS and S."

-- Circ-U-LAT-23

So, you're assessment of the Codemonkeys project as "a success for R&D" was based on Err-U's analysis of the code output from a completely different project?

-- Mesh-U

No, my assessment of the Code-Amoebas project as a success was based on that analysis. My assessment of the success of the Codemonkeys project was based on the lucrative sale of their work product to the aforementioned Armed Services subgroup. So, perhaps I should have said "Score another *TWO* successes for R&D!" Mea Culpa. Now, while I would love nothing more than to continue quibbling over the facts of this report, I seem to have been issued an extra DebateIsFutileResolutionForm this month. Since allowing it to languish on my desk would be wasteful, I have gone ahead and filled it out. Well... I had the Amoebas fill it out for me. I love those guys!

-- Circ-U-LAT-23

Referenced by:

CommitteesDecisionOnTheItemsInQuestion

Phantom entry by Toothy-U-NIX / No reference found

Any treasonous references to a rumored misspelled version of this page will be met with severe summary execution.

Referenced by:

Commentary:

Shouldn't this be "Committees' Decision On the Items in Question?"

-- Dursch-U-WTZ-8

Shouldn't that have been Shouldn't this be "Committees' Decision On the Items in Question"? with the question mark outside of the double quote? More treasonous ignorance of Friend Computer's 100% efficient Spell-O-Gram document checker.

-- Costin-U-MOR-8

Why do we still have a floating "C" entry?

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

A good question, and one that is (I believe) inherently tied to the nature of the ItemsInQuestion themselves-- suffice it to say, I am convinced that elements of the "committee" regarding the Items, and its so-called "decision" regarding them, led directly or indirectly to the recent, unthinkably complete, death of Flo-U-RID-3. The membership list of that particular committee remains sealed-- at the orders of the ULTRAVIOLETs who sat on it-- and I've had little success so far "convincing" Friend Computer to unseal the list. But I believe I will succeed in the next couple of days, with some rather expensive help from CPU, and I won't be the least bit surprised if the membership of the Committee on the ItemsInQuestion contains some very familiar names.

-- Knok-U-OUT-5

I believe I was mistaken, there was no entry with this title. In fact, uhh, there was probably really no committee, and naturally no decision, and now that I think about it, the items were never In Question at all. Heh, my bad, nothing to see here. Forget I ever mentioned it. Stop investigating. We all saw what happened to Knock-U-OUT-5.

DebateIsFutileResolutionForm

Purpose: For as long as Alpha Complex has existed in its utopian bliss, a resolution has been sought to the difficulty of quarreling ULTRAVIOLET citizens. There is no known higher clearance to which High Programmers have appeal, and Friend Computer has better things to do with its processing time than mediate every trivial ego clash between cantankerous white-clad gits. Unfortunately, High Programmers are powerful cantankerous white-clad gits, and have been known to escalate trivial debates over the aesthetics of Minimum Mandatory Doorway Height into sector-destroying campaigns of sabotage, misinformation, and death.

One of the more recent schemes is the DebateIsFutileResolutionForm (hereafter referred to as "the Form"), introduced six yearcycles ago by Omega-U-MAN. The initial version of the Form, though fourteen pages long, pretty much boiled down to "Omega-U-MAN is right; you are wrong". It was deemed "Inadequate But Salvageable" by the Form Approval High Sub-Committee, and seventeen revisions later, we have an eminently useful (if often mis-used) piece of paperwork.

Proper Filing: Many DebateIsFutileResolutionForms are filed improperly, rendering them void. The most common areas of error are:

The Form may only be filled out by those of ULTRAVIOLET clearance. Personally - no VIOLET_Supervisors.
The Form may not be filed pre-emptively for a debate that has not yet happened, nor retroactively for one that has already concluded.
A single Form may only apply to one Debate - regardless of Automatic Blanket Applicability Riders and similar paperwork!

Required Procedure and Effects:

Announce (in the relevant debate) that you have filed a DebateIsFutileResolutionForm. Being annoying and petulant about said announcement is optional, but relatively common.
Forego further comment there until another ULTRAVIOLET citizen supports your invocation. Should you continue to run your mouth off, the Form is rendered moot and you must re-file.
Once your invocation is seconded, anyone making further comment will be Permanently Cited as having done so.

Clarifications:

Having a filed and seconded Form does not mean you are automatically considered Right, it simply suspends debate on the matter. (Yes, I know, the Form looks like it declares you right. No, it doesn't, really. The deceptive wording is mandated by High Programmer Happiness Regulations. Stop whining.)
The High Programmers filing the Form and seconding its invocation need not actually be involved in the debate.
The lack of spaces in the Form's title is entirely deliberate. By the time it is invoked, debate has often reached the point where pausing for breath is no longer considered an option.

Potential Relevance to the Toothpaste_Disaster: Earlier revisions of the Form provided for much harsher penalties than mere Permanent Citation, including termination of all citizens, ULTRAVIOLETS included, involved in or referenced by the debate. Traitorous parties used this to effect the ULTRAVIOLET_Massacre, the wide-reaching repercussions of which are still being felt - and include, among other things, the formation of Action_Squad_Alpha.

References: Action_Squad_Alpha, ULTRAVIOLET_Massacre, VIOLET_Supervisors

--Err-U-DYT-9

Postscript: Since I know I'll catch flak from some outraged ignoramus if I don't clarify: High Programmer Happiness Regulations are not regulations on High Programmers being happy. They are regulations on lower-clearance citizens about making High Programmers unhappy. Actually filling out/authorizing a DebateIsFutileResolutionForm requires ULTRAVIOLET clearance, but production of the form itself - including the writing of copy - is not done by ULTRAVIOLETs.

--Err-U

An offshoot of the original ToothBot project, the Denta-Bot marks a new era in automated cybernetic full-mouth oral implants. Not only does the Denta-Bot record all of its host's utterances, it can exit its host's mouth and walk around on stumpy little legs, much like the infamous ChatterBot and its Old Reckoning antecedents (see Old_Reckoning_Video_Entertainment_Archive_#949/GAG).

What renders the Denta-Bot superior to all extant oral implants is its unique Kontact-Inclined Situational Surgery functionality. By using the KISS feature, the clone implanted with a Denta-Bot may perform oral surgery and other orthodontic procedures upon any other clone by dint of prolonged mouth-to-mouth contact. R&D whiz Porn-O-MAG-6, who devised the original prototype, explained in his feasibility study that R&D data indicated that such oral contact helped to reinforce bonds of fellowship and camaraderie between fellow citizens. "It is my earnest hope," he told the committee, "that KISSing will bring the entire population of Alpha Complex together in peace and harmony." (Later, he added cryptically that "this might require a certain amount of lubrication.")

Despite the shocking 97.4% TVI (Treason Verbalization Index) rate recorded by the original Denta-Bots that resulted in full product recall and termination of the HPD&MC marketing firm responsible for selling the whole first run to Commie traitors, the Computer had full confidence in the product line and sent it to R&D for retooling. Designed by the brilliant Peps-I-COL-1 before her promotion to INDIGO clearance, the Peps-O Denta-Bot contains all sorts of fancy equipment; in addition to providing a full suite of dental hygiene products and services, it includes spring-out fangs, the TING-class Laser Glare System, and cyanide capsules galore for coping with unexpected Commie interrogation.

The Peps-O Denta-Bot rollout in COL, RON and TTH sectors coincided with the Toothpaste Disaster. Both PURGE and Corpore Metal have claimed responsibility for installing faulty Asimov Circuits from Defective_Batch_ACA675T09-XXXX in hundreds of newly installed Denta-Bots, causing them to rip free from their hosts' jaws and roam rampant through the halls in savage herds, brutally assaulting hapless clones that wandered into their paths, until they finally bored into the walls to chew through the precious pipes conveying Toothpasty_Supplement_#5.

PLC staffers under my direction have thoroughly investigated the incident, resulting in the discovery of a clear paper trail leading to Frame-R-UPP-4. I recommend immediate termination of Frame-R, followed by her meticulous interrogation by IntSec.

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

Refs: Defective_Batch_ACA675T09-XXXX, Frame-R-UPP-4, Old_Reckoning_Video_Entertainment_Archive_#949/GAG

Commentaries:

Re: "causing them to rip free from their hosts' jaws and roam rampant..."

The clones whose jaws were torn off were the lucky ones. Haven't there been reports of Denta-Bots dragging their unfortunate hosts across whole sectors through the ductwork?

(See also my (upcoming) report on the CyberChomp_4000.)

-- Don-U-DON-11

I can assure you that many of those reports of Denta-Bots in the ductwork are true. It's unfortunate, yet strangely titillating. It reminds me of some of those Old Reckoning "horror" entertainment vids that HPD&MC have been recycling for Documentaries.

And I look forward to your (upcoming) report on the CyberChomp_4000.

-- Jan-U

You know, Jan-U-ARY-31, I have been working on creating a whole stream of that sort of vid, for Yellow Clearance entertainment, with the appropriate backmasking and such, from splicing together Troubleshooter clips, and using a graphics editor on the faces, so that it seems to be the same clones, "to protect the not-yet-executed". I am going to publish under the name "Full NightCycle Bulb Entertainment".

-- Screwz-U-BAD-3

*ahem*

Getting back to the task at hand, I must comment on how the problems of Defective_Batch_ACA675T09-XXXX resulted in the Denta-Bots going frankenstein.

As you all know, the first Asimov Law is "A robot may not, through action or inaction, allow The Computer to come to harm." In the defective batch, however, all references to The Computer had been replaced with the bots' primary objective; in this case, citizen's teeth. The result? A rampaging horde of misled bots that were more interested in protecting citizens' teeth than in protecting the citizens themselves.

As we all know, the problem didn't pop up until several daycycles had passed. The bots, desperately trying to keep citizens' teeth clean despite their bad hygeine, obviously decided that the best place for teeth is outside the mouth. They quickly got to work extracting the teeth without any consideration for the citizen's happiness. They even stole entire jaws, if it was quicker. Unfortunately, the victims' inability to talk coherently delayed action.

The Denta-Bots roamed through the passageways, attacking hapless citizens and abscombing with their pearly whites. Soon they had collected thousands of teeth and were seeking the optimal place to protect them. What better way to protect teeth than by immersing them in Toothpasty_Supplement_#5?

Fortunately, the massive flood of Toothpasty Supplement #5 that resulted from their pipe-burrowing gummed up their works enough to take them offline. Who knows how much worse the Toothpaste_Disaster would be if they were still active during it?

-- Drake-U-LAH-1

Drake-U, I believe you are confusing Denta-Bots with Dental-Bots. A Denta-Bot, as an automated cybernetic full-mouth oral implant, is implanted in a citizen's mouth, replacing the extant organic teeth, gums and jaws. Thus, they didn't have to yank teeth out, since they had become the teeth in question by means of substitution.

Have you been paying attention to the subject matter of this inquiry at all, or have you gone back to your usual method of fobbing your work off on subordinates of inadequate security clearance while you immerse yourself in reruns of "Teela-O-MLY Unclothed: The Interrogation Sessions"?

-- Jan-U

Jan-U, Drake-U... perhaps I can be of some assistance. I've crossed-referenced Denta-Bots and Dental-Bots in the Tech Services database. It turns out that Denta-Bots seem to refer to an entire series of related bots, which focus on oral hygeine, oral surgery, and complaints of the mouth. In this family of bots is a class of bots listed as "Dentu-Bots" which were self-aware, powered dental prosthetics. Perhaps these are what you are referring to, Jan-U. It turns out that Dental-Bots are not in the Denta-Bot family at all... They are, in fact, an obsolete class of bodywork and repair bots used to correct impact related blemishes on transbots.

Hope this helps clear the air...

--Mesh-U

Hmm. According to the PLC database, the "Dentu-Bot" was a specialized model of the "Klaatu-Bot." I vaguely recall the slogan: "The Bot From Outer Space! (Only Not)".

-- Jan-U

Of course, you realize CPU's to blame for this definition mishap. "Infrareds can do that grunt work just fine!" my ass.

-- Drake-U

Denta-Bots, Dentu-Bots, Dental-Bots... I think somewhere along the line all of you techies got so caught up in your oral fixations that you forgot the real cause of tooth decay: Communism! Never forget: "The best dental hygiene is mental hygiene."

-- Don-U-DON-11

I shall have to file complaint forms at this rate! The treasonous incompetance of the INFRARED imbeciles is making it difficult to get any real work done around here. I hope that this CPU screwup does not negatively impact on my own brilliant entry on the CyberHack_Programming_Helmet ...

-- Omega-U-MAN-5

Referenced by:

Dentagrip

This experimental nanobot aerosol is one of the most advanced means of replacing clone teeth. Administered by Denta-Bots (and certain general practice docbots), as the name suggests, it consists of an aerosol spray contaning nanobots. For dental use, the nanobots are programmed to regenerate teeth and gum tissue. However, the nanobots are significantly more general than that, and can, in fact, be used to repair machinery, to recycle excess clones and clone waste for the food vats, and any number of other tasks. Still, their use is experimental. In particular, a few issues need to be resolved. Upon their creation, they are programmed by their fellow nanobots. They also have limited reproduction capabilities, so as to repair and recycle broken nanobots. The problem is that sometimes they lose their programming and reinitialize themselves from other nearby nanobots. This is, of course, by design, but it comes at a cost when nanobot colonies are inadvertantly mixed. As time goes on, one nanobot species may dominate the other, even if the contamination is minor.

This particular issue can be problematic when those nanobots used for microsurgury are mixed with, say, those used for the repair of reactor shielding. That particular combination was accidentally useful, however, as the test clone, SuxTo-B-YOU-6, had Reactor Shielding Duty, anyhow. However, it would be very unfortunate if that were to accidentally happen to one of my fellow High Programmers. Mixing the nanobots for, say, "Teela-O-MLY Brand Instant Costume Spray" with the nanobots intended to repair minor cuts and bruises, might have moderately embarrassing side effects.

In any event, the Dentagrip test program is widely considered a success, and barring treasonous sabotage, we hope that the R&D doctors in the MAD_Sector will soon approve the use of nanobots for all sorts of uses, rather than limiting them to experimental applications.

Refs: MAD_Sector

Note that one Splat-R-EDD from Paranoia Live contributed information on nanobot sprays for this entry.

-- Omega-U-MAN-5

I regret to announce that, due to a recursive paperwork sequencing error, all work in the field of nanotechnology has been temporarily suspended. Rest assured that we are working on the problem, and that this extremely unfortunate circumstance will be corrected as soon as possible. Naturally, this has absolutely no bearing on the recent release of Screwz-U-BAD-3's monograph, "How Nanobots Will Render PLC Obsolete."

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

Why Jan-U, how nice it is to see that HPD&MC isn't the only service group with creative interpretation skills. That was not the title of my monograph, and wasn't the point, either. The actual title, for the record, is "How Nanobots Will Reduce the Workload of Technical Services", and any rumors that the nanos coming out of BAD sector can completely create items from scratch are completely false. We would never dream of such a thing. The origionals will always come from PLC. Why, without that special service group, Alpha would have already been lost to the Commie menace. Our nanotech is purely designed to bring things that are damaged or sabotaged back to their origional state. It will even mean that PLC will be losing less and less items due to such careless handling as the yearcycles go by! This surplus could, in turn, mean victory for The Computer over Communism forever!

-- Screwz-U-BAD-3

That's really strange. I have a copy of the monograph right here, and it does say "How Nanobots Will Render PLC Obsolete." Nor do the contents match up with what you've described. Presumably someone, on your staff or mine, has been mucking about with the file. (Or possibly someone in R&D has been testing the Verbiage Transmogrifier again without prior notice or submission of the proper usage forms.) I'll ZipPaq you a copy of the mongraph I received, and we can both have a chat with our VIOLET_Supervisors to find the idiots responsible.

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

Extract from AlphaNet Medical Resource Datanode, 192.763nd Edition, Ultraviolet Appendices 354/12c:

Full medi-def of: Diphenhydromegatoxine

Why is this medication prescribed?

Diphenhydromegatoxine, a Friend Computer-approved, all-natural, biogenetical-remodulated, sugar-free panacea, relieves bloating, seeping, weeping, purulence, pustulence and suppuration. It also may relieve itching, scratching, scraping, shedding, sloughing and subdermal bleeding resulting from: excessive exposure to mild radiation sources (such as might be experienced while serving Friend Computer while working in a Power Services Active_Waste_Management crew); full immersion in Algae of Grade XII plus; consumption of more than three gallons of Cold Fun, two pints of SmileTime_Mood_Enhancement_Serum_(with_Tartar_Control), or three drops of Acidophizz.

This medication is sometimes prescribed for other uses; acceptance of the superior medical knowledge of your assigned DocBot is mandatory, and you should - of course - consume the medicinal supplement, and ask for seconds, without question.

How should this medicine be used?

Diphenhydromegatoxine comes in tablet, capsule, liquid, suppository, pellet, and .308 caliber form. It is generally taken only once a daycycle, and it has been observed that a second dose is rarely necessary. Diphenhydromegatoxine can be taken, or administered, at any time - though recipients of the medication may prefer to be sitting or lying down, and restraints, along with something to bite down hard on, are recommended for optimum comfort.

What special precautions should I follow?

Before taking diphenhydromegatoxine,

tell your direct workstation supervisor, friends, siblings and associates (security clearance allowing)
tell your siblings where you have left anything important that they might need to assist in clearing your name, just in case something unexpected might happen totally unrelated to the treatment
you should know that this drug may cause mild drowsiness, moderate muscular spasms and some internal bleeding (within recorded human tolerances). Do not drive an autocar, transtube or omnicycle; operate heavy machinery, TacNuke weaponry or Hot Fun vending units; or consume in combination with Toothpasty_Supplement_#5, Flouride, prune-derivatives, and any artificially produced dietary supplement beginning with C through R
be mindful that Bouncy Bubble Beverage may enhance the effectiveness of this drug and should be consumed in moderation following administration of the medicinal supplement

What should I do if I forget a dose?

Consider yourself lucky. Given the standard invasive administration techniques used by DocBots Model III, and below, most Citizens would not get a second chance.

What side effects can this medication cause?

Although side effects from diphenhydromegatoxine are not common, they can occur. Tell your DocBot if any of these symptoms are severe or do not go away:

loss of feeling in (or just plain loss of) extremities
violent scalp spasms followed by projectile loss of hair
Molecular_Dissolution_Reactions
spontaneous child birth (this should be considered a particularly severe side effect in the case of Clones of the masculine gender)

If you experience any of the following symptoms, call your DocBot immediately:

vision problems (clairvoyence may suggest Latent_Mutation_Suppressant_Deficiency that requires the immediate attention of Friend Computer)
difficulty not urinating
excitement (more so than might be expected from the average Citizen)
nervousness (see excitement)
death

What storage conditions are needed for this medicine?

Keep this medication in the container it came in, tightly closed, and out of reach of anyone of Security Clearance Orange or lower. Store it at 100 degrees below zero in a lead lined casket and away from excessive sources of moisture, solar flares or radiation. Should the medication become outdated or no longer needed, contact your local Vulture Squadron headquarters or HPD and Mind Control sub-branch for safe disposal. A disposal team will be dispatched with due urgency and the item will be removed, followed by a thorough cleansing of the location it was stored in, using non-invasive napalm deployment techniques.

What other information should I know?

Do not let anyone else take your medication. Keep all appointments with your DocBot. Diphenhydromegatoxine conforms to Alpha Complex QwalitieStandard 6344234DD/#77 in all respects, including adherence to the Zeta_Vector_Principle. Stay Alert. Trust No One. Keep Your Laser Handy (security clearance and appropriate requisition forms, permitting).

-- Costin-U-MOR-8

Ref: Latent_Mutation_Suppressant_Deficiency, Zeta_Vector_Principle

Cross-Ref: Acidophizz, Active_Waste_Management, Algae, Flouride, QwalitieStandard, SmileTime_Mood_Enhancement_Serum_(with_Tartar_Control), Toothpasty_Supplement_#5

Regarding storage of Diphenhydromegatoxine in lead-lined caskets: are LeadLike-lined containers sufficient? If we start pushing DPHMT to a wider (that is, lower-Clearance) class of users, we're going to need a lot of storage, and real lead has been in short supply ever since Johnn-Y-WOO-6 used up all that slugthrower ammo making Mission Inconceivable IV. LeadLike, on the other hand, PLC has in spades.

-- Knok-U-OUT-5

I have suggested exactly such a change of the text to Friend Computer, in the interest of positive resource management. I am glad to see we are in like minds in this respect.

-- Costin-U-MOR-8

What about recycled reactor shielding? We can always strip down Nuclear_Facility_RON-372/B for parts. Of course it's radioactive, but I'm sure that our good friends in R&D can work that out.

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

Has anyone researched what happens when diphenhydromegatoxine is exposed to strong radiation without adequate shielding, as almost certainly happened in RON sector?

-- Mesh-U-GNA-1

Well, in Power's experience, there's strong suggestions that DPHMT exposed to such conditions begins to recombine (on a molecular level) into what certain staffers have suggested seems suspiciously like some form of life. Naturally, however, these are not controlled laboratory conditions and all such samples have been sent to the relevant R&D departments for further experimentation.

-- Servs-U

A service of HPD&MC's Motivational Media division, documentaries are a wonderful way to get out the pro-Happiness message of Friend Computer and Alpha Complex.

They're informative. Do you know how much Foil was used in the construction of The Leaning_Tower_of_Treason? Do you know why it's leaning? Well, watch Errolm-O-RIS's documentary "The Thin Infrared Line" to find out!

They're educational. My own, "Pants: an Owner's Manual" is one such example. Learn where pants are made, how to use them and what you can do to prevent pants-related accidents. It won a Teela Award (R), fer cripe's sake!

Last but not least, documentaries are F-U-N FUN! Whether it's Clone Wars III: Star Attack! or something a bit more edgy, like the sports-u-mentary, "Mutants on Ice," you can rest assured that the fine folks at Motivational Media are doing their best to make sure that you do your best.

Documentaries...informative, educational, fun! Another fine product from Brush-U-TTH and the whacky funsters at Motivational Media.

Motivational Media: Entertainment that Goes Pling!

--Brush-U-TTH-32

Refs: Foil, Leaning_Tower_of_Treason

Commentary:

This is an inquest, not an infomercial. Save the sales pitch for the INFRAREDS, okay?

-- JAN-U-ARY-31

Evere-V-ENS-6

Evere-V-ENS-6 was a bright, bubbly clone, with an eye for detail. He quickly rose through the ranks with groundbreaking vids for the youth of Alpha Complex. Most of these vids have been misfiled, or mislabled. Some sort of PLC conspiricy that has already been reported. He is even credited with the creation of one of the Thirty-one_Official_Flavors.

His detail oriented mind was quick to choose just the right actors for his vids. He has been cleared of the charges brought against him, as it seems that any clone can not blame his actions on just anybody.

However, he does appear to be typical of one of Costin-U-MOR's VIOLET_Supervisors, that I warned The Computer about earlier.

-- Screwz-U-BAD-3

Refs: Thirty-one_Official_Flavors, VIOLET_Supervisors

See also Fictional_Troubleshooter_Clearance and HUACAC -- Evere-V was involved with both. -- Don-U-DON-11

Commentary:

When you have something simple to say, you have been known to make sense, Screwz. However, faced with stringing a gathering of thoughts, datafiles and hearsay together and your output is frankly laughable. I think, perhaps, you've muddled up one of your own Personnel Information Management & Performance files with whatever you were trying to say here. I personally select my Violet-clearance Supervisors and Evere-V-ENS-6 has never numbered amongst them. Try ENS Sector records to see if they can help with this citizen's current location...

-- Costin-U-MOR-8

Referenced by:

The Fire-and-Forgetpicks

The first (and some might argue, foremost) aspect of Baseline_Dental_Health is Cleanliness, and cleanliness, as we all know, is a trait we can never encourage too much.

A Citizen with clean teeth is not only demonstrably happier than other Citizens, but their smile is correspondingly more pleasant to observe.
They make better subject matter for video documentation.
They are less likely to produce offense in those fellow Citizens they work alongside, and are more likely to practice successful Anger_Management.
Their tongueprints are far easier to accurately read, increasing speed and accuracy of everything from opening their personal equipment locker to signing for R&D prototypes.
They tend to live longer.
Their aim, when using properly-issued laser weapons in an authorized fashion, is better.
Their handwriting is more legible and they type faster.
They are far less likely to participate in Secret Society activities.
They are able to extract confessions from traitors with much greater success.
Their ideas are almost always less arbitrarily destructive to valuable Computer property.
They demonstrate a better-than-average grasp of such complex issues as nuclear engineering, hydraulic load-balancing, and the Zeta_Vector_Principle. ¹

In fact, there is almost no aspect of Service Firm operations-- or, indeed, life in Alpha Complex-- that is not performed better by a Citizen with a nice clean set of choppers. Is it any wonder that Friend Computer has placed cleanliness in such high regard? Is it any wonder that Friend Computer has ordered and/or approved the development of so many technological aids to help with this regard?

¹ All of these claims are true.

It's somewhat unfortunate that this review board is (by its very mandate) forced to review so many of the less successful recent attempts to assist with Baseline_Dental_Health, because for every horrific and traumatic tool gone terribly, terribly awry in this report, there are undoubtedly two or even three unqualified miracles. I wish we had the time and extra space to list some of those breakthrough success stories, but duty calls, and so it is with a heavy heart that I write this entry on the Fire-and-Forgetpicks.

Why are you bringing up that sordid chapter of Complex history? you ask. I thought we had put that well and truly behind us. I wish it were so, fellow Programmers, but I've recently uncovered disturbing new information about the time-- the hours, the minutes, the seconds-- leading up to the Toothpaste_Disaster, and I fear we may have as much to fear from the aftermath as we did from the event itself.

It is sometimes easy to forget that, not so very long ago-- perhaps ten or twelve year cycles-- the standard Personal Instrument of Cleanliness (PIC) in a Typical-Use Tool Haversack (TUTH) was nothing more than a small pointed probe-- perhaps 1.731 inches long and a seventh of a centimeter wide at its thickest-- made of bulk-grade plastic. Citizens had to manually poke this simple device around inside their own mouths using their own hands in order to achieve what laughably passed for Total_Oral_Cleansing in those days. It was clear, even at the time, that the TUTH PIC was neither sufficient for its appointed task, nor was it being used correctly by many (if not most) of the Citizens to whom it was issued. ² Initially considered a P4 concern at best, it was moved to the fast track as a result of the Maxiofacial_Mandate. An official QwalitieStandard for Baseline_Dental_Health was established and, unsurprisingly, very few Citizens achieved it.

² This latter problem was eventually traced to a series of highly influential vids produced jointly by HON and KON Sectors and directed by Johnn-Y-WOO-4, who was just coming into his own as a vidmaker deserving of wider recognition. A key part of the success of these HON-KON films, of course, was the eminently charismatic Chow-Y-FAT-1, whose TUTHPIC-chewing grin became the very definition of Competent Observable Operations Locution (COOL) ³ and inspired Citizens across the Complex to emulate his look. Unfortunately, Chow-Y's use of the TUTHPIC-- while compelling to watch-- did nothing to promote proper oral hygiene.
³ (And whose two-guns-blazing style of combat produced no end of headaches for PLC, as every Troubleshooter in Alpha Complex began trying to requisition "two slugthrowers that never run out".)

Thus began the rapid-fire string of improvements and enhancements to the Personal Instrument of Cleanliness, taking it from its humble origin as a little splinter of high-density polyethlyene, to the multi-function instrument of ultimate dental hygiene it has become. Before describing the unfortunate "third-generation" effort that resulted in the devices named in this entry, a quick review of the revision history highlights of the first two iterations of the PIC is called for:

R&D Development Log 334.212.FF.C3.60.8E/PIC-[1,2,3]

1.0.0 - Simple plastic probe
1.0.1 - Identical unit, with simple instruction sheet
1.0.2 - Modified polyethlene mixture to slightly increase weight

1.1.0 - Added rubber grip, unbreakable diamond tip
1.1.1 - Fixed several minor bugs that could cause diamond tip to break
1.1.5 - Modified polyethlyne mixture to slightly reduce weight

1.2.0 - Length slightly increased; distributed with glossy user booklet
1.2.1 - Minor typo corrections in manual to reduce permanently-
        defunctionalizing misuse rate

1.5.0 - Plastic content reformulated; length and thickness increased;
        available in five designer colors
1.5.1 - Sixth color added
1.5.2 - Sixth color changed after corresponding rise in seizures noted

1.6.0 - Diamond tip becomes spin-capable, actuated by pressure on
        rubber grip end
1.6.1 - Minor bug fixes to sensitivity of pressure-trigger and maximum
        RPM of rotating diamond tip
1.6.5 - Automatic Spring-Back [tm] retractor; distributed with
        two-volume user manual
1.6.6 - Minor bug fix to spring mechanism response strength

Further developments on the 1.x series PIC were shelved when the 1.7.0 design specs were leaked through filesharing channels by Infil-Traitors within R&D. The v1.6.6 went into mass-production and became the standard PIC that most of us recall so well from our early clones' careers. All prior versions were end-of-lifed.

The 2.0 PIC was jointly designed by R&D and PLC specifically for introduction during the first Consumer Hour (cf Compulsory_Consumer_Hour) two yearcycles ago. Response was overwhelming, generating the most feedback PLC has ever received on a new product release. While most of the feedback was extremely positive, it was clear that there were some small number of deficiencies that needed to be corrected-- and, more importantly, a wealth of new features that Citizens were clamoring for. R&D did its best to meet, and satisfy, the flood of feature requests head on, with a truly heady and commendable vigor. Where the entire 1.x PIC development life lasted yearcycles-- and the stagnant 1.6.6 model remained in use yearcycles longer-- the 2.x program released iteration after iteration over just a few monthcycles. Unfortunately, records of the 2.x development process are spotty for reasons that will be discussed shortly:

2.0.0 - Original Consumer Hour release: new plastic formula, twelve colors,
        bi-directional tip rotation, servo-controlled Twist-Grip [TM]
2.0.2 - Dual-Function Jack-Hammer Tip [TM] option; four additional colors
2.1.1 - Diamond jackhammer/drill-tip replaced by low-wattage laser
2.1.4 - Plaque Targeting Recognition System gives laser self-aiming
        capability
2.2.0 - User-settable criteria for laser wattage and definition of "plaque"
        allows PIC to be used as a backup ranged weapon
2.2.5 - Eight additional colors (24 in all); microbattery replaced by
        minibattery
2.2.6 - Floss-Away Reel [TM] added to grip, using Stimu-Thread [TM]
2.2.8 - Floss-Way Reel optionally equipped with monofilament wire, allowing
        PIC to be used as a backup close-in weapon
2.3.2 - Fresh-Spritz [TM] disinfectant dispensed with each use <4>
2.4.0 - Breath-Cleanser Tablet [TM] dispenser added to main cylinder, with a
        capacity of four tablets
2.4.2 - Capacity increased to 16; sixteen additional colors
2.4.3 - Optionally loadable with pharmaceuticals conforming to Standard Pill
        Spec P13/145R
2.4.9 - Fully-articulated head-mounted deployment arm for hands-free
        operation; minibattery replaced by standard battery
2.5.0 - Multi-tasked to assist with hygiene functions beyond dental: comb,
        nose-hair trimmer, nail clipper, earwax spoon added
2.5.4 - Pumice stone, emory board, conditioner reservoir, toilet paper, and
        Barber-Shop 2.0 software package added
2.5.5 - Antibacterial soap, backup nosehair trimmer, spinning brushes, riding
        crop, switchblade, Soap Bomber [TM] and Catheter Assistant [TM] added
2.5.6 - Fire extinguisher added
2.5.7 - Unit no longer head-mounted; now installed in Pull-Along Radio
        Flyer [TM] painted in owner's security Clearance color
2.6.0 - Multi-tasked to assist with general Complex cleanliness: additional
        brush set, three sprayers, floor polisher, wax cloth, chamois, glass
        cleaner, gun oiler, all-purpose lubricant, six-barrel rotary chapstick
        applicator, chainsaw, cutting torch, oil-absorbent foam tank, Foam-
        Be-Gone [TM], side impact airbags, and septic tank added
2.6.1 - Additional standard batteries added
2.6.3 - X-Ray, multicorder camera, voice-recognition, fully independent
        mission parameter processor, Anthropomorphized User Interface [TM],
        long-term memory banks added
2.6.5 - Standard batteries replaced by atomic micropile
2.6.6 - Self-powered wheels added to unit; PIC 2.6.6 is now virtually
        indistinguishable from Series II ScrubBot
2.7.0 - 128 entirely new "PIC-Only" colors, to distinguish from Series II bots

⁴ It is believed, but not known for sure, that the unlisted 2.3.3 release made PIC fully compliant with the Thirty-one_Official_Flavors; it is not known what the original Fresh-Spritz [TM] flavor set was.

It's hard to say where the 2.x series would have gone from there. PLC was showing diminishing returns on sales, even with ever-higher-profile placement of new models on Teela-O and in several mandatory-intake Documentaries. It seemed like the life was slowly draining out of the Personal Instrument of Cleanliness product line, despite its undeniably rich feature set... but it all became moot as development of PIC 2.8 entered the Preliminary Spec Phase (PSP), because it was discovered that virtually the entire 2.x research and development cycle-- as well as the joint-Service distribution and marketing campaigns-- had been paid for using credits infected with the Communist Public License (CPL). The source of the original infection will, perhaps, never be determined, but the effect of the CPL is well-known: virtually every aspect of the 2.x PIC had potentially become subject to the CPL... and everything a 2.x PIC had been used on was potentially subject to the CPL... and so on. What was to have been a glorious product release became, instead, a harrowing purge-- an attempt to eliminate every evidence of the 2.x PIC's existence and operation. But it was too late; the project files had been compromised too long. While it is unlikely that they were the origin of the CPL'd credits, a foul aberration-ridden tribe of the most communistic, the most mutated, the most traitorous Commie_Mutant_Traitors imaginable had exploited the license to gain complete access to the PIC source repository:

PIC had been stolen by the Open_Sores_Community.

I will try to refrain, at this point, from ranting at length about this threat to our Alpha way of life. Most of you already understand the danger they represent. Open access to intellectual property? Free distribution of useful software? Security as a personal responsibility instead of one handled by a duly trusted and equipped central agency? Unrestrained filesharing? Why, I've even read confession transcripts in which their members actually advocate allowing groups of peers to collaboratively assemble repositories of information as a team, using nothing more than the honor system to prevent inaccurate or deliberately misleading information from being introduced! Were even a fraction of their horrific agenda to succeed, it would fundamentally undermine the engines that drive R&D, PLC, and CPU at the very least! Merely dictating these words to my assistant is making my skin crawl. I think I'm going to need to soak in a tub of Calm-Thyme [TM] for a bit before I can continue.

RUB-R-DKY, you're the one...
You make Commies eat your gun...
RUB-R-DKY, dum-de-dum-de-duuuuuuum de dum!

Okay, I feel a lot better now. Where was I? Oh, yes, PIC 2.x was stolen by the Open_Sores_Community and its entire set of intellectual property was effectively dumped for free on the open filesharing nodeworks. Within hours, the first "PIC 3.0" specs were being bandied about; within days, several competing "releases" of PIC 3.0 were turning up in the aftermath of routine Internal Security sweeps. These "competitors" ⁵ apparently identified their versions through the use of clan designations, such as the Blackcaps, the Sirians, and the Freebuds.

⁵ I use the term jokingly, of course; free products are unable to actually engage in competition, as there needs to be something to compete for.

It was the Blackcaps that created, and ultimately released, the Fire-and-Forgetpicks. Their claim (ludicrous on its face) was that the PIC had become uselessly overburdened with extraneous functionality-- somehow missing the fact that every change made during the 2.x development process was based on Actual User Feeback List (AUFL) suggestions. Still, citing performance and simplicity as the chief priorities of any developing technology, they created and released their version of the "PIC 3.0".

The FFP, when you come right down to it, was more like the 1.x generation PICs than most of 2.x was: a small polyplasticine splinter with diamond drill-tip, powered by a tiny Half-Life Battery [TM] and propelled by a very small Repulsor Lenz [TM], equipped with rudimentary targeting memory and a basic inter-unit MIDAR comm system, and loaded with a small squirt of ultra-pressurized Dental Cleansing Foam (DCF). In short: squeeze by the thick end as the sharp end is pointed at the destination mouth, and it was on its way. Capable of high-speed magneto-levitational flight up to 1200 meters, it would reach and enter the target mouth by any means necessary-- the drill-tip providing armor-piercing functionality-- at which point it would identify the part of the mouth "most in need of it" ⁶... where "it" was the explosive release of its DCF payload.

⁶ The actual function call within the unit, upon entering the destination mouth, was findMostNeedsIt(); this function proved to be a morass of incomprehensible irregexp pattern-matching routines written in the trinary assembly language of floor tiles.

Needless to say, while this sounded good in theory, the in-practice results were horrific. Add to this the fact that the combination of a rudimentary sensor system with MIDAR resulted in spontaneous flocking algorithms... Well, it wasn't long before entire boxes (treasonously smuggled into PLC centers that should have known better) of accidentally-activated FFP learned how to swarm. There are rumors that FPP's were capable of intercepting wifi datastreams, using them to augment their targeting databases with medical information, maps of the Complex, etc. None of these rumors have been verified, to the best of my knowledge. However, it took the combined efforts of virtually every Service Firm to establish clear and reliable protocols for detecting, tracking, hunting, and destroying Fire-and-Forgetpick swarms.

It was officially believed (as of a year ago) that the need for open hostilities against the 'picks had been concluded. Reports since that time of occasional 'pick-inflicted casualties in the field have been contained to INDIGO Clearance and higher. I think only a fool (or someone of BLUE or lower Clearance) would have believed that the Fire-and-Forgetpicks have been completely exterminated. And it looks like the resurgence that we all feared has happened, and we missed it it all the surrounding chaos: While revisiting, once again, the incident involving the TNT Sector Chapstick_Factory, I stumbled across a backup copy of a transmission log that someone had unsuccessfully attempted to erase all evidence of. ⁷ The log in question was from an Internal Security microphone planted in the main storage bay of the factory. The time-track on this snippet indicates it occurred mere minutes, at most, before the first widespread effects of the Toothpaste_Disaster become apparent Complex-wide.

00:A2:A8:61 MIC 1/VOICE A: BOOOOOOORING. BOOOOOOOOR...
00:A2:A8:70 MIC 1/VOICE B: HAHA. HEY! WANT AN OLD CHAP STICK?
00:A2:A8:74 MIC 1/VOICE A: HAHAHAHA. THAT JOKE NEVER GETS OLD.

00:A2:A9:03 MIC 1/VOICE A: BOOOOOOOR...
00:A2:A9:04 MIC 1 RECORDS 0.45 SECOND SEISMIC EVENT AT 3.22 HZ
00:A2:A9:05 MIC 1/VOICE B: WAIT A SECOND. DID YOU JUST FEEL THAT?
00:A2:A9:10 MIC 1/VOICE A: FEEL WHAT?
00:A2:A9:13 MIC 1/VOICE B: FEEL...
00:A2:A9:14 MIC 1 RECORDS 0.90 SECOND SEISMIC EVENT AT 3.22 HZ
00:A2:A9:15 MIC 1/VOICE A: WHOA. I FELT *THAT* ONE.
00:A2:A9:38 MIC 1/VOICE A: IS THAT... IS THERE SOMETHING OUT IN THE HALL?
00:A2:A9:50 MIC 1/VOICE B: I DON'T HEAR ANYTHING.
00:A2:A9:54 MIC 1/VOICE A: WELL GO *CHECK*.
00:A2:A9:56 MIC 1/VOICE B: *YOU* GO CHECK.
00:A2:A9:58 MIC 1/VOICE A: NO, *YOU*.
00:A2:A9:60 MIC 1/VOICE B: WHY SHOULD I BE THE ONE WHO CHECKS? HUH?
00:A2:A9:68 MIC 1/VOICE A: SEE THIS GUN?
00:A2:A9:75 MIC 1/VOICE B: YEAH.
00:A2:A9:86 MIC 1/VOICE B: OKAY.
00:A2:A9:91 MIC 1/VOICE B: IS IT JUST ME OR DOES IT SMELL MINTY IN HERE?
00:A2:A9:98 MIC 1/VOICE A: WILL CHECK THE DAMN HALLWAY?

00:A2:AA:04 DOOR 116 OPENS.
00:A2:AA:08 DOOR 116 CLOSES.
00:A2:AA:14 MIC 1 RECORDS 1.8 SECOND SEISMIC EVENT AT 3.22 HZ
00:A2:AA:15 MIC 1/VOICE B (?): <unintelligible noise>
00:A2:AA:18 MIC 1/VOICE A: WHAT?
00:A2:AA:21 MIC 1/VOICE B (?): <unintelligible noise>
00:A2:AA:26 MIC 1/VOICE A: I CAN'T... DAMMIT.
00:A2:AA:29 MIC 1/VOICE A: SOMETHING IS STARTING TO SMELL REALLY FRESH.
00:A2:AA:36 MIC 1/VOICE A: WILL YOU STOP MESSING AROUND OUT THERE?
00:A2:AA:45 MIC 1/VOICE A: I'M COMING OUT AND YOU'D BETTER NOT BE...
00:A2:AA:48 DOOR 116 OPENS.
00:A2:AA:50 MIC 1/VOICE A (?): OH MY DOGG! THEY'RE...
00:A2:AA:51 MIC 1/VOICE A (?): PICKS! OH MY DOGG, THERE'S... THEY'RE...
00:A2:AA:52 DOOR 116 CLOSES.
00:A2:AA:53 MIC 1/VOICE A: OH G-BUS, OH G-BUS, OH MY DOGG
00:A2:AA:55 MIC 1/VOICE A: IS THERE A MIC IN HERE? SOMEONE COME GET ME.
00:A2:AA:58 MIC 1/VOICE A: RIGHT NOW. THERE ARE PICKS EVERYWHERE.
00:A2:AA:64 MIC 1/VOICE A: SOMEONE. PLEASE. THEY'RE...
00:A2:AA:67 MIC 1/VOICE A: THERE HAS TO BE A MIC IN HERE. SOMEBODY!
00:A2:AA:70 MIC 1/VOICE A: THE MAIN FLOOR... PICKS ALL OVER IT...
00:A2:AA:76 MIC 1/VOICE A: IT'S REALLY STARTING TO SMELL LIKE MINT IN HERE.
00:A2:AA:80 MIC 1/VOICE A: SOMEONE, PLEASE, BEFORE THEY...
00:A2:AA:81 DOOR 116 OPENS.
00:A2:AA:82 MIC 1 RECORDS UNIDENTIFIED HIGH-PITCH NOISE
00:A2:AA:83 MIC 1 RECORDS UNINTELLIGIBLE VOCAL NOISES
00:A2:AA:84 MIC 1 RECORDS 3.6 SECOND SEISMIC EVENT AT 3.22 HZ
00:A2:AA:86 DOOR 116 REPORTS JAM.
00:A2:AA:91 MIC 1 LOSS OF SIGNAL
00:A2:AA:92 TNT SECTOR LOSS OF POWER

⁷ All that I can establish for certain about the deletion attempt is that it was authorized by an anonymous High Programmer, and that the attempt occurred recently-- in fact, it occurred after the convening of this review board. I hesitate to leap to any conclusions for the moment.

It's unfortunate that the original microphone recording has been destroyed and only this transcript remains; the "high-pitch noise" could be describing the sound of an FFP swarm, but the actual sound recording would be unmistakeable. If you've reviewed even one post-operational debriefing from a nest-busting sweep, you know as well as I do that you never forget that sound. But this leads to some disturbing questions: Not only who performed the deletion, but why? And why now instead of immediately after the incident? Is there a connection between this "pick" sighting and the virtually simultaneous onset of the Toothpaste_Disaster? Can we extract any useful information about the moments leading up to the Disaster from this log? And, perhaps most of all, are there still Fire-and-Forgetpicks surviving somewhere in Alpha Complex?

I fear the worst, but hope for the best.

-- Knok-U-OUT-5

Refs: Maxiofacial_Mandate, Open_Sores_Community

X-Refs: Anger_Management, Baseline_Dental_Health, Chapstick_Factory, Commie_Mutant_Traitors, Compulsory_Consumer_Hour, Documentaries, Toothpaste_Disaster, Total_Oral_Cleansing, QwalitieStandard, Thirty-one_Official_Flavors, Zeta_Vector_Principle

Commentary:

So that was you accessing that backup. Not a problem. I may have more about that, but am still looking through my archives. As much as I hate to say it, we may have to fight Fire-and-Forgetpicks with Fire-and-Forgetpicks. My labs are tentatively working on an earlier model (2.1.4) with search and destroy code for the 2.8 and any later models. As a side note, I did have sucess in retraining several older models, to new functionality. I eagerly await your official 4.0 model.

-- Screwz-U-BAD-3

I am shocked and appalled that, despite a full weekcycle of work on this report, not one of my fellow High Programmers have seen fit to mention the death of one of our own. Its despicable. Do guilty consciences keep you silent?

Who killed Flo-U-RID-3?

Who pumped chlorine dioxide into her ventilation system? Who reprogrammed her PediBot to puree? Who shot her thirty-seven times with an ULTRAVIOLET laser? Who dropped her down three different elevator shafts? Who copied over her memory tapes with B4 advertising jingles? Who swapped her genetic scans with Codemonkeys DNA? Who flooded her clone tank with Acidophizz? Who locked all files concerning her murder under the treasonously non-existent GAMMA_Clearance?

Flo-U-RID-3 had many enemies. Jealous rivals (you know who you are!) coveted her authority over Alpha Complexs valuable dental hygiene resources; they envied her managerial skills and her pearly whites. Secret societies sought to avenge themselves when she snubbed their offers of membership. Even the Zero_Teeth_Movement targeted her projects with all manner of sabotage. For yearcycles, she struggled against all odds to keep the dental hygiene industry strong and efficient. But this time, someone went too far! At the height of the Toothpaste Disaster, one or more High Programmers took advantage of the chaos to murder Flo-U. In fact, I suspect that much of the Disaster was staged for the sole purpose of covering the murderers tracks a plan that has worked far too well, until now.

As a result of my perfect alibi (I was in a jar at the time), I have been cleared of all involvement in this dreadful incident. As a result of this, and because of my impeccable record and my zeal for justice, IntSec has consented to place me in charge of the investigation of Flo-Us demise. Naturally, I expect your full cooperation in pointing fingers and assigning blame.

This is a terrible new chapter in our history. Someone has murdered one of our own, and things will never be the same. Despite all this, however, you should not live in fear! If you let this horrible event change our way of life, then the terrorists have already won! Please continue with your usual work. This especially includes the projects I currently have slated, such as the DARKRED Overseer Initiative, the Color-Coded Credit System, the Mandatory Body-Ectomy Project and the Holistic Integrated Infrastructure Deliverable Mission-Critical Methodology Convergence Synergy Matrix.

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

Refs: Acidophizz, B4, Codemonkeys, GAMMA_Clearance, Zero_Teeth_Movement

Commentary:

I think you're barking up the wrong tankbot, Jan-U. Although an Ultraviolet could have used the Toothpaste_Disaster as an opportune time to strike, the sheer scale of it was too great to have been done just to execute one High Programmer. The Ultimabrite_Cleansing episode alone eradicated 7 Sectors, and it was just one facet of the disaster. Eradicating 1 or 2 Sectors, I can imagine, but seven?

The odds are much higher that multiple High Programmers all simultaneously tried to make a diversion for their attempt on her, which all interacted and combined into one huge, unthinkable calamity. I would be giddy over the prospects of promotion for busting such a large ring of traitors, if I were still able to get promoted.

We should start by determining everyone that could possibly have a motive in this and interrogating them THOROUGHLY. I volunteer my services.

-- Drake-U-LAH-1

GAMMA_Clearance?

Well, well. Somebody seems to have made a rather bad mistake, unless...

...no, I'm inclined to believe it a genuine slip. They tried to rectify their error - those files no longer show up at all. But there are still traces that verify Jan-U's allegations.

Very interesting.

-- Err-U-DYT-9

Thank you for your input, friend Drake-U! I'm sure that you have decided to volunteer your services for this vital project out of loyalty to Friend Computer and righteous outrage against this terrible murder, rather than from some treasonous desire to manipulate the evidence. And I agree that it's quite possible that more than one High Programmer participated in this atrocity.

So: name some names! Point some fingers! (I would join you, but I find myself unfortunately lacking in the finger department at this time.) Let's see some suspects... then the interrogations can begin!

-- Jan-U

Flo-U... is dead? But she... I mean, someone completely destroyed her? All of her? But that's... I mean, I didn't particularly know her well, but she was...

I suppose it doesn't matter, except in the consequences: This is very, very bad. Certainly much more serious than I had previously imagined. Perhaps more serious than any of us imagine. I apologize to all of you, my fellow Review Board members, for any dismissive tone I may have previously taken regarding this inquiry into the Toothpaste_Disaster; while I agree with Drake-U that the Disaster was probably not created specifically to terminate Flo-U, it seems clear to me that someone took strong steps to cover their tracks. And, as they are no doubt still at large, they may continue to take steps.

I have some leads-- notes for an upcoming entry in this report-- that may shed some light. Drake-U, please conduct your interrogations; I have every confidence in your skills along these lines. I will pursue my leads and report back to this committee as soon as I have news.

-- Knok-U-OUT-5

Glad to have you on board, Knok-U. I'm sure we can leave our little animosities behind us -- our mission is of paramount importance! We will find the ones responsible for the death of our noble comrade Flo-U. And they will pay, oh, they will pay.

Do you hear that, traitorous criminal murderers of one of our own? You're going down! And I know you're reading this, since all of the suspects are on this commission. You didn't think you were selected at random, did you? Everyone who might have been involved in Flo-U's death is currently involved in the Toothpaste Disaster report. Of course this means we'll have to ferret out your lies from among the entries in the report, but that should be easy enough once we've tracked you down.

How are your leads coming along, Knok-U? I'd hate to let the trail grow cold.

-- Jan-U

Jan: I feel compelled to point out that while your perfect alibi has cleared you of all involvement in Flo-U-RID's death, you have not been cleared of all responsibility. You may be a brain in a jar, but if you were incapable of getting anything done indirectly, you wouldn't be serving Friend Computer as a High Programmer - you'd have been recycled for nutrients long ago.

Not that I believe that you were responsible, but as the one in charge of the investigation, you really ought to be open to all possibilities.

I will be happy to assist in pointing fingers and assigning blame once the requisite data to produce such allegations has been brought forth. There is currently insufficient information to make finger-pointing a productive activity; the odds of a Blame Assignment Feedback Escalation far outweigh the probability of a Panic-Induced Accidental Revelation.

-- Err-U

You have some good points, Err-U (aside from the involvement/responsibility two-step, of course). Some more data sure would come in handy right about now. I'm just hoping to give my fellow High Programmers a little push towards yielding that data in a manageable timeframe, by raising the Traitor Tension Index a few notches. And you'll note that a few of our fellow High Programmers seem to have dropped off of the commission just after I posted about Flo-U! If that's not suspicious behavior, what is?

-- Jan-U

I apologize for not speaking up sooner, Jan-U. I assure you, the trail is not getting cold. Best not to say more at this time; our quarry is wily, and closer than one might normally suspect, if you get my meaning.

-- Knok-U

Referenced by:

Floss++

Flossing is an important ingredient of maintaining the Baseline_Dental_Health. Unfortunately, the original Alpha Complex Floss suffered from several weaknesses. It had an annoying tendency to break, forming a perfect platform for bacteria. Also, the taste was not considered even mildly pleasant by any users.

Floss+ was a significant improvement, and a triumph for the tireless scientists at R&D services. The new product became one of the most lucrative inventions in the past twenty yearcycles. The robust reel mechanism of the packaging was a particularly popular feature, spawning several games (all unauthorized) among the clones of lower security clearances.

Ever the perfectionists, the R&D Service Firm in VPR sector decided they would improve on each and every characteristic of Floss+. The new Floss++ was indeed an impressive achievement - the tensile strength was unequalled. The new reel mechanism was more than 430 % more powerful than its predecessor.

The unfortunate Flossbot_Mk_II incident aside, Floss++ has proven its qualities in field use - the elimination of the Kaleidoscope_Conspiracy is only one of several examples.

Personally I recommend that all current production lots are withdrawn from general distribution and assigned to covert operatives of Indigo rank and above.

--Enkid-U-RUK-4

Referenced by:

Ah, foil! What joy you have brought into my life! It is hard to believe that you were once merely used to ensure thoroughly-boiled eyes. No, it was only when you were ousted from that job by the first Edible Supplement Regulations that we truly discovered your potential!

As any clone with a brain rattling around in their hollow skull knows, foil is one of the most conductive items known in Alpha Complex, surpassed only by whatever hair-brained substance R&D has managed to keep stable long enough for testing. That, combined with its ease of production and low cost, has kept it in the Top 5 Power Services Product Requests throughout recorded time. I'm sure my associates in Power Services will swear by its reliability and usefulness, second only to the revered Duck Tape.

What most citizens don't realize is that its properties are just as useful in interrogation and torture of Commie_Mutant_Traitors.

In Action_Squad_Alpha episode #209 ("The Quick and the Red"), the team's equipment officer managed to extract a key piece of info from a tightlipped Commie by juryrigging an electrocutor using a foil mouthpiece and a frayed wire. IntSec, which has considerably more time, resources, and sadism to work with, has constructed some of its most awe-inspiring torture techniques around foil. Even I shudder when I think about "Macro Circuit Testing" or the "Potato Treatment".

Such creative uses of foil led to it composing 89% of the infamous Leaning_Tower_of_Treason, as detailed in such Documentaries as "Deconstructing Treason" and "The Thin Infrared Line". Not only was the tower a symbol of fear and a source of DELIGHTFULLY shrill screams of agony, but it also provided the solution for the Ultimabrite_Cleansing aspect of the Toothpaste_Disaster.

I would go so far as to say that if it wasn't for foil, none of us would still be here.

-- Drake-U-LAH-1

Refs: Action_Squad_Alpha, Documentaries, Leaning_Tower_of_Treason, Toothpaste_Disaster, Ultimabrite_Cleansing

Comments:

Drake-U is right. We in Power absolutely love this crap, in accordance with its position as the greatest thing since the arc lamp (OLoGTSOT, added in 12th edition, still current).

-- Servs-U

I don't think you even need to conduct electricity through Foil to use it as a tool of Xtreme Interrogation; merely biting down on the stuff is horrible enough to make even hardened middle-Clearances Troubleshooters turn grey at the thought.

-- Knok-U-OUT-5

I am somewhat offended. We in R&D do not come up with "hair-brained" ide.....

Brains... made of hair.... we could increase the average Citizen's brainpower at least threefold! I'll get right on that!

-- Paul-U-LEG-5

"Xtreme" Interrogation, Knok? Improper Use of Rationed Letters in Bad Taste is a treasonable offense, punishable by extreme beatings. Someone get me my big stick!

-- Drake-U-LAH-1

How could you ever forget to mention that hats made of this are known to stop the mind control powers of Commie_Mutant_Traitors in many cases? This is surely one of the most useful properties I know of, why, I wear my hat at all times!

-- Omega-U-MAN-5

No, because I was hoping no one here was stupid enough to wear them, especially my fellow PLC High Programmers. Didn't you get the memo?

-- Drake-U-LAH-1

Incidentally, I love the episode of Action_Squad_Alpha referenced here. That equipment officer, Mac-G-YVR was my hero as a young pre-citizen.

--Dursch-U-WTZ-8

Extract from Ur-B-ANN's Legends - An Infrared-cleared Info-ganda Pamphlet at Nightcycle

A stalwart citizen of the Alpha Complex, who has willingly taken on the burden of a multitude of tasks, across Service Groups and Sectors spanning the length and breadth of recorded time and space. While some Citizens (now undergoing corrective therapy) have suggested that Frame-R-UPP is a figment of the imagination, the solid evidence provided by reams of forms signed off by Frame over the yearcycles would certainly prove to the contrary (and anyone seeking to further discredit the thankless and often seemingly nugatorial tasks undertaken by Frame should consider visiting their local Confession Booth for consultation, personality realignment and a dose of heartening SmileTime_Mood_Enhancement_Serum_(with_Tartar_Control)).

Most recently Frame-R-UPP has cleared transportation of a shipment of miscellaneous oral hygiene and pharmaceutical products manufactured by COLgate_BioTech, a vital delivery of supplies that was unfortunately involved in the catastrophic debacle that was the COL_gate_incident. Tirelessly, Frame also apparently put in the additional effort to clear supply of newly enhanced Rose-Tinted_Macro-Goggles to the IntSec snipers assigned to handle the troubled Infrared Citizen, Billy-BOB-3.

So much tireless effort has been exhibited by Citizens like Frame-R-UPP, that Friend Computer erected the famous Monument to the Unknown Citizen, constructed from 300,162 spent Transbot fuel rods (guaranteed 100% safe by PLC operative Al-I-ASS) in the Central Square of WHO Sector. Frame-R-UPP's willingness to carry out roles and tasks across all Service Groups also instigated Friend Computer's introduction of the Group_Assignment_Services_Exchange_Scheme_(GASES).

The Unknown Citizen (TUC) is a common frame of reference to ceaseless loyalty and tireless productivity - "Friend troubleshooter is like the Unknown Citizen, a person of rare and edifying Complex probity". TUC is constantly referenced in the Complex_Youth_Guidance_Program, InfoBooth slogans, and edutainment programming. Citizens gather at the monument each yearcycle on The Daycycle of the Unknown Citizen to wave flags, drink B3 and eat commemorative Algae-based CHZ-filled TUC Biscuits.

Other names recorded on the Monument of the Unknown Citizen include: All-O-NYM, An-O-THR, Cam-O-FLG, Cha-R-ADE, Cove-R-UPP, Cogn-O-MEN, Hon-O-RFC, Inco-G-NTO, Mon-I-KER, Nomde-G-UER, Nomdepl-U-MME, Pren-O-MEN, Sued-O-NYM, Trick-R-EEE.

-- Costin-U-MOR-8

Ref: Group_Assignment_Services_Exchange_Scheme_(GASES), Rose-Tinted_Macro-Goggles

Cross-Ref: Algae, B3, COLgate_BioTech, COL_gate_incident, Complex_Youth_Guidance_Program, SmileTime_Mood_Enhancement_Serum_(with_Tartar_Control)

Commentary:

Is this the best you can dredge up before the committee, friend Costin-U? Patently false Info-ganda designed for INFRARED consumption? We all know that Frame-R-UPP and her ilk are, in fact, among the most pernicious traitors that Alpha Complex has ever known. Yes, it's true that IntSec has deigned to make them folk heroes, at least for the time being, in order to track their movements. But we know better.

I trust that you will shortly provide an addendum of real, factual data that will be of use to the commission.

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

I have yet to see any of my fellow ULTRAVIOLET peers demonstrate, or even claim, direct interaction, observation, or experience with this so-called Frame-R-UPP Citizen, with one exception-- that being you, Jan-U. While the rest of us hear a lot of loose talk and mumbo-jumbo, you've been claiming to have "forensically analyzed signatures" and Dentifrice Allocation Documents and a "clear paper trail". While the rest of us have never encountered even the least shred of genuine evidence of this individual in our own operations, she seems to be all over yours. I'm not convinced that "we" know anything for sure about this supposedly nefarious villainess. Only you seem to have all the "facts" about this phantom, this omnipresent marauder in a RED jumpsuit, this ghostbot in the machine.

Interesting, that.

-- Knok-U-OUT-5

(Parenthetically, I am reminded of your infamous "photograph" of the legendary Vat Ness Monster; remember how quickly that belief went away once we adjusted the seratonin levels in your tank?)

-- Knok-U

Friend Computer has verified my analysis in this matter. Do you wish to contradict Friend Computer?

And as to the Vat Ness Monster, just because I determined that the photo was a forgery (most likely planted by Frame-R!), that doesn't mean that the monster does not exist!

-- Jan-U

I'm bereft of a reasonable solution to your current activities beyond simply recommending to Friend Computer for your immediate execution as a traitor and neigh-sayer of Friend Computers blessed logic circuits. You declare Friend Computer's own edutainment transmissions about Frame-R-UPP are patently false Info-ganda - and then go on to suggest that Friend Computer has verified your declarations about the non-existence of said Citizen. You treasonous statements seem to suggest that you believe that Friend Computer has some kind of split personality - why else would you suggest that Friend Computer both hold The Unknown Citizen in high esteem, as an example to all good Citizens, and yet also support your theories that Frame is the most pernicious traitor that Alpha Complex has ever known.

And, Knok-U's observation is quite telling - up until now you have been assigning much blame for forgery of documents to Frame-R-UPP. It would seem you are hiding something - using the cover of your dubious suspicions about the veracity of the existence of Frame to cover for the individual who is actually responsible for signing off those orders. Are you trying to bring the high moral values and the enduring loyalty of The Unknown Citizen into disrepute merely to cover for your own mistakes and oversights?

-- Costin-U-MOR-8

Now you're just being silly, Costin-U. All Info-ganda contains patent falsehoods; that's because they're registered at the HPD&MC Falsehood Patent Office! Friend Computer knows that sometimes, in order to maintain maximum happiness and stability, sometimes we have to tell the INFRAREDs things that just aren't true. Sometimes the truth hurts, and when it comes to the INFRAREDs, Friend Computer knows that it's better for them to be happy, orderly and misinformed, rather than unhappy and unruly because of some measly truth that they can't do anything about anyway. Such is Friend Computer's wisdom!

-- Jan-U

And for the record: while I'm the only one currently on this committee to track down some of Frame-R's heinous acts, I'm certainly not the only one in Alpha Complex to do so! Saddamh-U-SIN-28, George-B-USH-43, Unioncar-B-IDE-11, and many others have gone on record to blame Frame-R-UPP for all manner of wrongdoings and malfeasance.

-- Jan-U

When it comes to patent falsehoods, Jan-U, you certainly do appear to be the expert!

-- Costin-U-MOR-8

Dear, sweet Costin-U. All of a sudden, you seem excessively interested in smearing my otherwise immaculate reputation. It's rather strange that you chose to do so immediately after I began my investigation of the untimely demise of Flo-U-RID-3. I know that you two had your differences, but given your own loyal service to Alpha Complex and Friend Computer, I'd been ready to dismiss the evidence against you out of hand. But now I have my doubts.

Perhaps you'd like to discuss the matter in private? I'm sure that if we just consider the evidence rationally, clone to clone, we can settle the whole thing. I'd really like to take you off of my list of Prime Suspects, but I can't do so without your help. What do you say?

-- Jan-U

I have little doubt that your reputation would be somewhat less immaculate were you a little more conscientious in filing all of the Complaint Forms and Treason Reports for your sector, Jan-U-ARY-31. My sector, for comparison, has not had such a form filled out since my rise to power and the implimentation of my Commie_Catcher_[TM] system.

-- Omega-U-MAN-5

One of Friend Computer's most noteworthy statements, and one that has been repeated even after the introduction of your Commie_Catcher_[TM] system, is that "Traitors are Everywhere." If no Treason Reports have been filed in your sector, Omega-U, then you haven't been working hard enough to find the traitors that must be there.

-- Jan-U

Deep-seated paranoia to the point of self-inflicted victimization... obsessive behaviour bordering on manic... classic transference. You really are a Psychobot's dream come true, Jan-U. Keep digging that hole for yourself and the rest of us can round off this investigation just in time for you to climb in...

-- Costin-U

Referenced by:

Gigglespeek

Gigglespeek describes a state of permanent laughter as a result of drug-induced brain damage. Hardly a new phenomenon in Alpha Complex, you might say. Indeed, some would say many citizens display such behaviour almost all of the time.

Whilst its true that mandatory pharmaceutical supplements do give the average lower clearance citizen a permanent look of dumb happiness, Gigglespeek is something quite different. Victims appear to have suffered lasting brain damage, specifically to their cerebrum which in turn affects their speech functions and over stimulates their zygomatic major muscle. The symptoms are an inability to talk normally as well as severe and unrelenting attacks of the giggles. This state persists during both during both waking and sleeping states making life rather interesting for anyone who has to share a dormitory with a sufferer.

Indeed, no-one had previously dared suspect that happy, laughing citizens were a problem until the alarming 434% rise in industrial accidents that occurred in the wake of the Glee_Quotas era. Further investigation determined that citizens who had also been exposed to the then newly introduced Laughing_Fun had a 45% chance of developing Gigglespeek.

Despite the problem of increased accidents, no-one was really prepared to tell Friend Computer that some citizens were actually too happy until the Zero_Tolerance_Mouthwash_Accident occurred. After that, no-one could argue that we had a problem on our hands.

--Make-U-CRY-2

Referenced by:

Ging-I-VTS-5

This entry is primarily a procedural notation, to avoid confusion in the future.

While Friend Computer's system of assigning names to clones is of course perfect and without flaw, occasionally it can lead to a certain amount of confusion or misunderstanding. Many clones have names evocative of other concepts, and in many cases, thanks to the Computer's great prescience, these turn out to be quite appropriate. These range from the late, lamented Flo-U-RID-3, who gained authority over all of Alpha Complex's dental hygene (cross-ref with Fluoride), to lowly Sue-R-RAT-1, the heroic HPD&MC janitorial employee who has slaved non-stop to flush the residue from the Toothpaste_Disaster out of the complex's waste disposal systems such that even lower-clearance clones will once again be able to enjoy hygene breaks and waste elimination without having to trudge several dozen kilometers out of their way on foot. (For comparision, see the Gatzmann_Archives on the topic of "powerful big rats, gentlemen" and the many uses thereof.)

Nevertheless, sometimes a name can lead to more confusion than poetic euphony. It is for that reason that I wish to make it clear that Ging-I-VTS-5, who has served on the directing council of several RON sector Power Firms (including WhirledRON_Energy), is in no way related to the dental condition "gingivitis" (a lamentable inflammation of the gums related to treasonously poor dental hygene). Ging-I has been a trusted subordinate of mine for years, and it is to my dismay that I have seen her being harassed by "investigation teams" sent out by some anonymous members of this group. (You know who you are.) Honestly, trying to link someone to a disaster of this magnitude just because of a name and a few extremely tenuous extrapolations seems like a waste of our time, given all the real leads we've got to go after right now.

For the record: I am in possession of reports by Internal Security and RON Sector Power Internal Affairs, commissioned after she reported this harassment to me, clearing her of all involvement in the Toothpaste_Disaster. So let's let this peter out quietly, with no more embarassment to any of us involved, okay guys?

-- Ken-U-RON-6

Commentary:

Awww, what's the matter, Ken? Don't want certain things investigated for this report, or do you have a more personal reason for protecting her from unwanted suspicion?

I am pleased to announce that my investigation of Ging-I-VTS-5 has finally revealed a connection to the Toothpaste_Disaster. After my first 3 teams failed in their attempts, I took it upon myself to extract any potential treason from her. One daycycle of intensive questioning later, she finally broke down. Between repentant sobs, she revealed that she had helped mastermind the power fluctuation behind Project_Infinite_Hole's failure.

You should've heard her screams of agony. She hit octaves detectable only by bots and decibels that shattered glass as I slowly ripped her flesh off. The melody that followed her Reverse Transfusion will be stuck in my head for the rest of the yearcycle. I plan on lulling myself to sleep with her final scream as I threw her into the Recycler.

-- Drake-U-LAH-1

Drake-U: Simulations project that after a daycycle of intensive questioning from you, 96 out of 100 citizens would confess to being the Easter_Bunny_Device. As only one Easter_Bunny_Device has yet been manufactured, at least 95 of those confessions would, perforce, be false.

In other words: If you want to go ripping the head off of one of Ken-U's assistants, fine; your clearance entitles you to do so. But leave your...hobbies...out of this report, unless they're relevant, and don't pretend this "confession" is useful for anything other than satisfying your bloodlust and your ego.

I've reviewed the paperwork filed by the other interrogation teams. If she were complicit, she would have admitted it far, far earlier. Did you see the drug manifests?

-- Err-U-DYT-9

As only one Easter_Bunny_Device has yet been manufactured, at least 95 of those confessions would, perforce, be false.

True. That's why I always hook up all my suspects to R&D's Confession Confirmation Calculator Mark VI. I depend on it to ensure that my subjects always confess truthfully. It's caught would-be liars at least 34 times. Such liars are merely trying to cover up their true treason, of course, which means further interrogation is necessary. Ging-I-VTS tried to trick me at least 4 times before she finally belted out the truth.

My methods always result in horrifying confessions of treason, thus my measures are justified for the safety of Alpha Complex. Sometimes it takes a while... I have traitors on the rack that have lasted two yearcycles without revealing their true treasonous actions. However, the forces of justice will eventually prevail in the end and reveal these clones' treason for all to see!

But leave your...hobbies...out of this report, unless they're relevant, and don't pretend this "confession" is useful for anything other than satisfying your bloodlust and your ego.

This isn't a hobby; this is a Computer-sanctioned investigation! Your disgust worries me. I wonder if any of you have the guts to dig down to the bare naked truth as I do. Perhaps you're scared of what we'll find? Are your webs of treason so tangled that you're afraid any confessing traitor may do you in? Unless you show me the courage to properly investigate this incident, I will have to double my efforts.

As for your selfish insults, I assure you that I merely do it out of pleasure... for serving Friend Computer. If I wanted to satisfy my ego & bloodlust, I'd go send another Troubleshooter team out on a wild Twinkie chase. It's quite amusing watching them on the security footage, especially with a tub of Popfun nearby.

-- Drake-U-LAH-1

Oh, come on, Drake... I haven't been an Ultraviolet for all that long, and even I can find the documentation that shows that the Confession Confirmation Calculator Mark VI that you had R&D whip up for you is nothing more than an Old Reckoning oscilloscope, some decorative neon lights, and a bunch of clamps and jewjaws you picked up from the SNM sector IntSec kiosk all bolted (rather unconvincingly) together. Look, whatever it is you're into, it's ok with the rest of us. If poor Gin-G raised in you the need for another one of your 'interrogation' sessions, so be it. But please, don't let your need to try to put a better face on this conflict with the clearly stated facts of this investigation. As Ken-Us research clearly points out in the official entry, Ging-I-VTS has been cleared by IntSec of all involvement.

-- Mesh-U

As much as I hate to point it out, Ken-U asserts only two things about Ging-I-VTS-5's innocence:

That she is unconnected to "gingivitis", the inflammation of the gums;
That he is in possession of reports by IntSec and RON Power Internal Affairs clearing her of involvement in the Toothpaste_Disaster.

Strictly speaking, neither of these clears her; the reports might be fake (or incorrect), and there is not a 100% correlation between "lack of connection to gingivitis" and "lack of involvement in the Toothpaste Disaster".

However, I have done the follow-up research suggested by Drake-U, and she does in fact clear as innocent¹. Digging through the guts of the Alpha Complex bureaucracy requires far more tenacity and intellect than digging through some citizen's guts.

¹ = Unless she's a member of Psion, in which case she could have learned treasonous ways to resist some of the drugs used upon her - but Drake-U did not mention any such confession.

--Err-U

You forget one other possibility: that she has been taking drugs that nullify the effects of the truth drugs administered. As amazing as it sounds, such drugs have been developed by rogue biochemists and are being sold on the Infrared market. I would send over her body for autopsy, but it's already been recycled.

-- Drake-U-LAH-1

I'd just like to take a moment to thank Err-U and Mesh-U for their research backing up Ging-I's innocence. There's enough real traitors about these days that we don't need to go ripping off the heads of the few loyal ones we can find.

I'd also like to apologize for my delay in getting my next entry up -- I've been having to take a hand in helping get Ging-I-VTS-6 up to speed on her predecessor's jobs. We've been working daycycle and nightcycle around here to help clean up the residual damage from the Toothpaste_Disaster, and losing one of our top administrators isn't helping matters.

Oh, and Drake-U -- I've got my eye on you now. Going to such lengths to condemn an innocent clone... What have you got to hide?

-- Ken-U

Ken-U, we both know that Indigos are a dime a dozen. If she was so important, why didn't you promote her to Violet like she deserved? I think you enjoyed her company for more than her management skills...

And she was a traitor, as I have already shown with her testimony that she aided in the failure of Project_Infinite_Hole. The only legitimate explanation is that whoever cleared her of involvement in the Toothpaste_Disaster didn't make the connection between it and Project Infinite Hole, which is tenuous at best. I am 99% certain that she didn't contribute to the Toothpaste Disaster and she isn't related to gum disease; that doesn't absolve her of her role in the sabotage of Project Infinite Hole.

I just hope that you can calm down for a minutecycle, put your personal feelings for her behind you, and think of how much safer Alpha Complex is now that the traitor has been uncovered and paid for her crimes. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have gotten the vital clue I needed to uncover her treasonous deeds.

-- Drake-U-LAH-1

Drake-U, please remember that you are a PLC High Programmer, not Internal Security. I can't believe that you wasted an entire daycycle interrogating a single clone. Have you any idea how many Triplication Loops and Database Recursions slipped past you while you whiled away the hourcycles in your personal interrogation chamber? You had my staff and Omega-U's working overtime for three daycycles afterwards.

Your unhealthy zeal for Internal Security work carries the subtext that you are not satisfied with your placement in PLC. In fact, it suggests that you think Friend Computer made a mistake in your Service Group assignment. And we all know that Friend Computer does not make mistakes!

In the future, please dedicate a little more time to paperwork and a little less time to interrogation. Leave that business to the experts.

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

While the records on transfers were mostly lost in the Disaster-- so I can't prove it-- it's pretty clear to me that Drake-U used to be Internal Security and took advantage of the Group_Assignment_Services_Exchange_Scheme_(GASES) to buy himself a FART into PLC. I would guess he'd made too many enemies in IntSec, or dropped the ball on something mission-critical, or just couldn't take the heat in the kitchen anymore, and thought that PLC wouldn't pay such close attention to his tendency towards poor impulse control. I don't believe the patently phony biographical note that claims he started as a lowly equipment clerk; nobody develops his sort of sadistic bloodlust on a ReqDesk, not even at a Complaints Center-- we develop an entirely different urge towards cruelty. For that matter, I can't think of a single real PLC High Programmer who has ever bothered to "interrogate" anyone personally. Torture is the least interesting way to pass time I can possibly think of.

I also note that, even in his wholly-manufactured BioFile, he can't resist talking about integrating PLC operations with Internal Security processo operations. Read it over again. Hear that note of nostalgia in the way he talks about it? Former IntSec all the way, still pining for the days when he was supposed to tear limbs off people and suck the marrow from their bones.

Anyway, it's unfortunate, but as long as GASES is frozen and nobody can FART, we're stuck with Drake-U. At least until such time as the INFRARED_Citizens of LAH show up with torches and pitchforks.

-- Knok-U-OUT-6

(Of course, it's obvious that many of the members of this commission are lying about their Service Firm allegiance, since almost 50% of the entire panel consists of "PLC". Friend Computer presumably knows who is really associated with what agency, and has insured the proper balance of members from all eight Firms, allowing undercover members to make up whatever cover story they want.)

-- Knok-U

I will have you know, Jan-U, that I sacrificed one of my Mandatory Vacation Daycycles in order to give myself the time to take care of this interrogation properly. My own staff was supposed to take care of those things while I was working. However, my once-trusted supervisor Ner-V-ANA-2 failed to relay that to the rest of my staff, causing the lapse. I am sorry for any trouble his incompetance has caused; I am putting him on the Rack as we speak and plan on further interrogation of him later.

As for my "unhealthy zeal", it is required by the very project we're working on! We already have 3 other supposedly PLC High Programmers working on the project, while IntSec failed to send a single representative (that we know of). Research into the proper forms and alternative uses of Toothpasty_Supplement_#5 can only go so far!

No, in order to find out what truly happened, we need interrogations. Lots of interrogations. And since the undercover IntSec representive (I know you're there) has failed to contribute his skills to the report, it falls to me. What used to be a hobby of mine, a way to reduce the stress of the daycycle's work, has become vitally important to uncovering the truth of this matter!

And I will continue to contribute my interrogation skills until the proper IntSec representative steps forward and takes them over like he was supposed to weeks ago!

-- Drake-U-LAH-1

Referenced by:

HPD&MC Un-Alpha Complexy Activities Committee

In order to clean up any lingering confusion created by the use of Fictional_Troubleshooter_Clearance, we at HPD&MC created the HPD&MC Un-Alpha Complexy Activities Committee, or HUACAC. HUACACs mandate is to investigate treason and other un-Alpha Complexy activities perpetrated by fictional characters in our vid-programming, edu-tainment, and info-ganda.

When first broadcast, the HUACAC hearings, with real clones denouncing the treasonous crimes of fictional characters, became a Complex-wide sensation. Who could have foreseen the appeal of a vid program consisting entirely of long, detailed, lurid descriptions of treason? Knowing a thing or two about catchy marketing, we quickly repackaged the hearings as HUACACs Thrilling Fictional Reality Show Trial Show. (Known to its devoted fans as That Show Trial Show.) After its third seasoncycle, That Show Trial Show is 87% more beloved than ever, and it has inspired a craze for more so-called fictional programming.

HUACACs Thrilling Fictional Reality Show Trial Show is both info-cational and edu-taining. In its first seasoncycle, HUACAC exposed the treachery of the diabolical (though non-existent!) WMD_(Warriors_of_Masked_Dentistry). The second seasoncycle introduced the Unspeakable_Treason, a (fictional!) crime so heinous that even knowing its true nature would be grounds for summary execution. This season made the indestructible (but probably not real!) traitor Roy-G-BIV the most hated clone in Alpha Complex.

The most recent seasoncycle of That Show Trial Show, broadcast one month before the Toothpaste Disaster, described in great detail a series of (fictional!) crimes and accidents known as the Dentifrice Calamity. In the wake of the Toothpaste_Disaster, some have questioned the effects of HUACAC's Thrilling Fictional Reality Show Trial Show on the clones of Alpha Complex. Rest assured that all claims that the HUACAC hearings somehow inspired or provoked copybot treason are entirely groundless! Each episode of That Show Trial Show began with CLEAR INSTRUCTIONS not to commit these treasonous acts at home. The few (hundred) superficial similarities between the fictional Dentifrice Calamity and the real Toothpaste Disaster must, therefore, be entirely coincidental.

-- Don-U-DON-11

Refs: Fictional_Troubleshooter_Clearance, The Unspeakable_Treason, WMD_(Warriors_of_Masked_Dentistry)

{{{Halle-B-RTN-4

GeneScan ID#: 3872U-H2817 ***DISCONTINUED***

Service Group: PLC Service Firm: C-Bay

Commendation Index: 35 Treason Index: -3284 Overall Loyalty Indicator: ***ERROR: VALUE OUT OF RANGE*** Recommended Action: Terminate with extreme prejudice.

Known Mutations: None Suspected Mutations: None Known Secret Society Affiliations: Pro Tech, Free Enterprise Suspected Secret Society Affiliations: Computer Phreaks, Corpore Metal, PURGE

--- ALPHA COMPLEX'S MOST WANTED TRAITOR: TERMINATE ON SIGHT --- --- CURRENT REWARD FOR EXECUTION: 8 MILLION CREDITS --- --- REMEMBER: EXTREME FORCE IS MANDATORY. TACNUKES RECOMMENDED. ---}}}

In the filthy nest of traitors, there are mice, there are rats, and there are gigantic rabid rats. Halle-B-RTN is one of the biggest rats of them all. Using her numerous contacts, personal "persuasion" skills, and economy network knowledge devious, her schemes & manipulations have caused numerous supply fluctuations throughout Alpha Complex while earning her billions of illegal credits.

Normally, such riches would be expected of a Free Enterpriser. Although she had connections with Free Enterprise, she was actually a member of Pro Tech. Investigation reveals that whatever profits she made were quickly spent on acquiring experimental items, which she uses to bolster Pro Tech's studies and her own ranking within the society.

A detailed analysis of the many conspiracies and treasonous actions she had her bloody hands is being prepared by IntSec for later release. Out of the 87,283 treasonous actions currently associated with her, the following are relevant to this report:

Delaying shipments of Toothpasty_Supplement_#5 in order to drive demand up, one of the primary causes of the Four_Reactor_Foam_Flood.
Illegally transferred 2,000,000 credits to anonymous account later traced to arch-traitor Rasp-U-TIN-1, the prime suspect in the death of Flo-U-RID-3.
Accepted illegal transfer of 2,500,000 credits from anonymous account. Its numerous security locks and the Computer-authorized terminations of key investigation personnel indicate it belongs to a traitor with Ultraviolet access.
Illegal possession of 873 Fire-and-Forgetpicks, only 491 of which have been accounted for.
Attempted theft of CyberHack_Programming_Helmet during Project_Infinite_Hole.
Inserting treasonous subliminal messages into some versions of Special_Brain_Freshening_Unit_K, encouraging citizens to shop on the black market.
Controlled 47% of the black market economy on KriegsList.
Planting evidence framing High Programmer Omega-U-MAN-4 of her crimes, leading to his false accusation & execution.

Despite a 8,000,000-credit bounty on her head, infamy as Alpha Complex's Most Wanted Traitor, and the participation of 1 out of 3 Internal Security teams in the search for her, a weekcycle has passed without a trace of her. I can only assume she managed to escape to the Outside, probably to Xavier_Central, where she can continue to wreck havoc in . Unfortunately, the Mission Group Assignment Transferral paperwork has been subjected to CPU's incompetance, delaying the deployment of Armed Forces search squads.

Also, despite standing orders to terminate on sight, I would prefer to capture her alive. After all the damage she's done to PLC, I would like to question her PERSONALLY.

-- Drake-U-LAH-1

Refs: Rasp-U-TIN-1, Xavier_Central

Cross-Refs: CyberHack_Programming_Helmet, Fire-and-Forgetpicks, Flo-U-RID-3, Four_Reactor_Foam_Flood, KriegsList, Special_Brain_Freshening_Unit_K, Toothpasty_Supplement_#5

Commentary:

Oh! At first I thought you were talking about Halle-B-ERY-4, who works for me, and I was thinking, Dang! I knew she was up to something but I had no idea... but now, on a second reading, I am much relieved. I won't have to terminate my Halle-B for a little while still, looks like.

-- Knok-U-OUT-6

Rasp-U-TIN-1, eh? So you've managed to point fingers at a "prime suspect" who isn't even on the commission, and thus not currently on the list of suspects? How convenient.

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

Jan-U, have you been taking your Memory Retainer Chemicals like you're supposed to? I'm sure you remember our good friend Rasp-U-TIN-1, the Traitor That Wouldn't Die. Although it looks like he's directly responsible for Flo-U's death & subsequent overkill, if you read the rest of the article you'd see that Halle-B also received a transfer of 2,500,000 credits from an anonymous account with Ultraviolet-level security locks on it. That transfer occured four hourcycles before the one involving Rasp-U-TIN.

Someone obviously contracted Rasp-U for this job through Halle-B. Who the evil mastermind is has yet to be determined.

-- Drake-U-LAH-1

I'm sure you remember our good friend Rasp-U-TIN-1, the Traitor That Wouldn't Die.

Presumably, she does. I certainly do.

Since then, I've been very wary about anyone who makes it to ULTRAVIOLET on clone #1. You never know what they might be hiding.

--Err-U-DYT-9

Should I take that personally, Err-U?

-- Mesh-U-GNA-1

You mean should we take that personally.

-- Drake-U-LAH-1

Only if you have something to hide.

-- Jan-U

Indeed.

-- Err-U

Now, what would any of us have to hide, Jan-U? After all, we're all just part of the great big happy Alpha Complex family, aren't we?

-- Mesh-U

There are traitors among us, Mesh-U. At least one High Programmer participated in the treasonous murder of Flo-U. Not that I'm saying it was you, of course... but I find it hard to believe that you don't understand how certain ULTRAVIOLETS might be hiding something.

-- Jan-U

Hell, at least one High Programmer participated in the treasonous murder of me!

-- Knok-U-OUT-6

Don't think that your previous clone's death gets you out of either accusation, Knok.

-- Drake-U-LAH-1

HIGH PROGRAMMER DOSSIERS

SECURITY CLEARANCE GAMMA

BRUSH-U-TTH-33 (Jared A. Sorensen)

Secret Society Affiliation(s):

Mutation(s):

Additional Information:

CEE-U-LTR-5 (David Siegel)

Secret Society Affiliation(s):

Mutation(s):

Additional Information:

CIRC-U-LAT-23 (Greg Ingber)

Secret Society Affiliation(s):

Mutation(s):

Additional Information:

COSTIN-U-MOR-8 (Paul Baldowski)

Secret Society Affiliation(s):

Mutation(s):

Additional Information:

DON-U-DON-11 (Rob MacDougall)

Secret Society Affiliation(s):

Mutation(s):

Additional Information:

DRAKE-U-LAH-1 (Jeff Groves)

Secret Society Affiliation(s): Romantics, Mystics

Mutation(s): Regeneration Strain IX (rebuilds tissue from clonal organic material, such as blood)

Additional Information:
Drake-U-LAH was a born & bred PLCer, contrary to accusations of being a former IntSec agent.
The constant annoyance of these "stupid nitwitted twits" made him bitter and cranky. His creative
executions of twits rocketed him up through the ranks.

He believed that some unknown superior supported his cruelty. His theory on the GAMMA clearance
was detailed in the document released on Unspeakable Treason. His contacts in the Romantics
helped him study ancient occult texts and rituals in an effort to join the GAMMAs. His curiousity
about the Manifesto Out of Space and Time drove him insane. Drake-U-LAH-1 is still on the lam.

Drake-U-LAH-2 died trying to save Sue-R-RAT from the GAMMAs. Drake-U-LAH-3 committed suicide after
receiving Drake-U-LAH-2's Memomax, leaving one angry Drake-U-LAH-4. Drake-U-LAH-4 has erased the
rest of his clone line and escaped from Alpha Complex to avoid the wrath of the GAMMAs. Official
Computer records state that he is on "indefinite vacation".

DURSCH-U-WTZ-8 (Robert Rodger)

Secret Society Affiliation(s): Mystics, Sierra Club

Mutation(s): Machine-Empathy (poor, poor computer)

Additional Information: At some point every Service Group has employed one of the 
Dursch- clones. None of them ever seemed to find the right nitch.

ENKID-U-RUK-4 (Topi Makkonen)

Secret Society Affiliation(s):

Mutation(s):

Additional Information:

ERR-U-DYT-9 (R. Eric Reuss)

Secret Society Affiliation(s): FCCCP. If you'd like, you can read Err-U's Final Sermon; 
it's linked to in the metagame notes at the top of his Final Report page.

Mutation(s): Bureaucratic Intuition. Not that he knew that - he just thought everybody 
else was kind of slow.

Additional Information: 
Err-U was a sanctimonious, pedantic clone who believed firmly in the Computer's divinity,
the fundamental goodness of Alpha Complex society, and the general stupidity of clonedom. 
Other ULTRAVIOLETs tended to receive the brunt of his contempt simply because he felt 
they ought to be able to do better than they did, and ought to be more loyal than they 
were.

He was quite good at his job, which got him repeatedly promoted, and quite honest, 
which got him repeatedly terminated (pre-game, not during). He did actually have a 
sense of humor, albeit quite a dry one. He couldn't have cared less about going after
other High Programmers for power, money, influence, or fun, but would happily lay into
them for accidentally misquoting an obscure bit of irrelevant data. Treason and sloppy
research both pissed him off greatly.

His ability to peruse Friend Computer's subroutines while simultaneously believing 
firmly in Friend Computer's infallible divinity was a textbook example of doublethink.

All in all, much more a Straight character then a Classic one.

JAN-U-ARY-31 (Eric Minton)

Secret Society Affiliation(s): Internal Security, Free Enterprise, Voodoo Economists, 
Jan-U-ARY Friends

Mutation(s): Machine Empathy, Macular Degeneration V, Metastasizing Tumors, Flesh What 
Rots Off The Bone IX

Additional Information:
Despite her mental infirmities, Jan-U-ARY-31 is intensely loyal to the ideals of Alpha 
Complex.  As far as shes concerned, though, these ideals include the economy functions 
best when everyone is striving to get the most money at all costs and the hierarchy 
functions best when you take a personal interest in promoting talented subordinates.  
Her dedication to unfettered capitalism led to her deep-rooted involvement in the 
founding of Free Enterprise and the Voodoo Economists; her dedication to unfettered 
nepotism led to the formation of Jan-U-ARY Friends, the oldest and most successful of the 
so-called Programs Groups, those secret societies dedicated to serving individual High 
Programmers.

Due to her advanced age, legacy issues with her GeneScan Image, and radiation damage 
inflicted by Omega-U, Jan-U-ARY-31s genetic structure is a total mess.  The reason shes 
a brain in a jar is that everything but her nervous system basically rots away during the 
cloning process.  Whats left of her brain is rotten and senile, but her cybernetic 
interfaces contain memory and logic subroutines to compensate.  Her remaining organic 
parts will decay over the next few years, leaving nothing but the machine: a new node in 
Friend Computers distributed systems.  She will have immortality as one of the countless 
voices whispering in the Computers fragmented mind; she will not be the first to achieve 
this state, nor will she be the last.

KEN-U-RON-6-8 (Scott Johnson)

Secret Society Affiliation(s): Free Enterprise

Mutation(s): X-Ray Vision (not particularly relevant)

Additional Information: 
All instances of Ken-U-RON were heavily involved in manipulation of the power generation
and transmission markets, mostly for their own profit.  The repeated failures of RON sector
power service firms were ploys to cover his tracks and shunt their profits into his pockets.

Ken-U-RON-6 was driven mad by the fragments of the Manifesto Out of Space and Time he was able
to study -- the secondhand bits of an already corrupt Viral Thought Pattern created a very
unstable psyche.  This manifested first as a focus on irrelevant trivia, then as a complete
disorientation.  He wandered into the sewers and has not been seen since.

Ken-U-RON-7 discovered the existence of sentient Viral Thought Patterns, but conflated them
somewhat with GAMMA Clearance, a connection that lacks evidence.  In response, Viral Strains
#07 and #38 replicated themselves among his staff and led him to destroy himself and his
villa to 'protect' himself.  (It didn't help that third-hand exposure to the MOST had given
him a touch of... well, PARANOIA.)

Ken-U-RON-8 was compromised from the moment of activation by Viral Strain #22.  (q.v. the
hidden comments in his entry on Zapster.) He proceeded to engage in some damage control
to discredit his previous clones.

KILL-U-DED-4 (PaulTevis)

Secret Society Affiliation(s):

Mutation(s):

Additional Information:

KNOK-U-OUT-5 through 12 (Dan Curtis Johnson)

Secret Society Affiliation(s): (5) Free Enterprise, Sierra Club, Mystics, Voodoo Economists
                               (6) Free Enterprise, Romantics, Mystics
                               (7) Free Enterprise, Death Leopard, OUS Sector Cabal, Computer Phreaks
                               (8) Killed before any opportunity arose (as were 11 and 12)
                               (9) Sierra Club
                              (10) None... yet.

Mutation(s): Hypersenses

Additional Information:
 * "Five" faked his own death, had himself a surprising epiphany, and is
   currently in the process of writing a heart-rending letter to Friend
   Computer from a small utopian society Somewhere Else.
 * "Six" never really wanted anything more than to collect stuff, while
   getting alternately high and laid. He was not in on the VIOLET Supervisors
   conspiracy, nor did the Voodoo Economists see fit to initiate him on his
   promotion. He really did get his blood sucked out by Drake-U-LAH-1.
 * "Seven" hooked up with the OUS Sector Cabal and went entirely feral with
   his newfound power-- so much so that "Five" eventually had him taken out.
 * "Eight" died on the Vulture Range. (So did "Eleven" and "Twelve".)
 * "Nine" used the many hundreds of thousands of credits sent to "Seven" by
   various fellow Toothpaste Disaster panelists (trying to buy evidence on
   each other) to purchase escape to the Outdoors from the Sierra Club. He is
   currently trying to make his way to Five's utopian society, having many
   adventures along the way, accompanied no doubt by an Elf, a Dwarf, a
   Wizard, and a Halfling thief.
 * "Ten" was caught attempting escape to the Outdoors. He has been returned to
   Alpha Complex, demoted to RED Clearance, and instated as a standard PLC
   Troubleshooter. Today is the first day of the rest of his life.

 * Pepe the ProxyBot has been making a small fortune on the talk-vid circuit
   and is going to be the host of a new game show called "Cause and Effect"
   that HPD&MC expects will be next year's Big Hit.

MAKE-U-CRY-2 (Andy Fitzpatrick)

Secret Society Affiliation(s):

Mutation(s):

Additional Information:

MESH-U-GNA-1 (Ben Engelsberg)

Secret Society Affiliation(s): 
Illuminati - infiltrating FCCCP, Computer Phreaks (Rasp-U-Tin-1/Mesh-U-GNA-1); 
FCCCP (Actual Mesh-GNA clone line).

Mutation(s): 
Machine Empathy, Empathy(Rasp-U-Tin-1/Mesh-U-GNA-1); 
Teleportation, induced by mutagens (Mesh-R-GNA-6); 
Uncanny Luck (Actual Mesh-GNA clone line)

Additional Information: Working on this...

OMEGA-U-MAN-5 to 1337 (Matt Venzke)

Secret Society Affiliation(s):  None.  (Primarily Illuminati, has infiltrated all other SSs.)

Mutation(s):  None.  (All.)

Additional Information:  #5 is the currently active clone, the rest were all fakes.  His treasonous
dopplegangers managed to install TacNukes and other devices in absolutely every other sector, all
of which are still controlled by #5's terminal, and none of them can be removed without considerable
effort and help from #5.  He doesn't think that that's worthwhile since he is positively loyal and
would never abuse those devices.  He insists that they pose no threat, as is the only one who can
control them now, barring sabotage by Commie Mutant Traitors, of course.  Rumors that he planned all
of this to gain leverage over the other High Programmers are positively treasonous.

Of course, rumors that he just somehow got lucky, or that there really aren't as many TacNukes as he
claimed, or even that whoever really was running the conspiracy bungled the requisition for the
TacNukes, leaving piles of mis-assembled rubbish instead of explosives behind are every bit as
treasonous.  No one will really be sure just how many of them actually work, not even Omega-U,
until they're detonated.  And even then, no one can really be sure it wasn't commies doing it, as
part of some unrelated incident...

PAUL-U-LEG-5 through 9 (Mark Kinney)

Secret Society Affiliation(s): None (FCCCP (Who would have guessed?))

Mutation(s): None (Pyrokinesis)

Additional Information: (Probably "enhanced" his various projects' "accidents" to 
cover his lack of knowledge of real science, as well as using this to obtain funding 
for the "new version that won't to that stuff.")

SCREWZ-U-BAD-3 (John Spann)

Secret Society Affiliation(s): Pro Tech

Mutation(s): Had a few, in fact.

Additional Information: Everyone kept listing me as CPU. I wasn't going to disabuse them 
of the notion. Actually, I was R&D. Errors are treason, citizens. You should have asked 
me outright. :) I wish there had been a "Third Party Combat Resolution" Section. Wherein 
HP's list a specific amount of forces for committing to a single section, or that we 
listed our resources before hand. Who ever runs out, or stops being creative... 
Ah, well. It was still fun.

SERVS-U-RIT-7 (Josh Moretto)

Secret Society Affiliation(s):

Mutation(s):

Additional Information:

TOOTHY-U-NIX-4 (Paul Jacobs)

Secret Society Affiliation(s):
    Pro Tech
Mutation(s):
    Empathy
Additional Information: 
    Toothy lives and breathes R&D. It is his soul. Gadgets and Innovations are the Way to the Future.

WATT-U-GOT-9 (Karl Low)

Secret Society Affiliation(s): Pro-Tech

Mutation(s): Machine Empathy

Additional Information: Clone line terminated due to information provided by Syntelligent Systems
immediately after collating a report on same. Report suppressed and deleted as unreliable due to 
the treasonous nature of the submitter.

By all appearances, Watt-U was little more than he seemed. A blackmailer by trade, machine sympathizer
(and empathizer) by night. Probably wound up getting cocky over time, which led to his downfall.

Internal Security Traitor Dossier

Subject: How-R-YOU-2

Security Clearance Blue Required

{{{Subject Incept Date/Time Stamp: 168:237:1631.12 Cloning Facility: Clone Bank You-32/A

Service Group: Internal Security Service Firm: Not Applicable, Field Agent.

Security Clearance: Red Loyalty Index: -12 Commendation Index: 3

Known Mutations: "Matter Eater" Known Secret Society affiliations: "Communist Cell DYT"

Termination Date/Time Stamp: 189:191:0720:1200.00}}}

Notes:

How-R-YOU-2 was an Internal Security agent assigned to infiltrate a Communist cell operating in DYT sector. Primary authorization for this mission was granted by Flo-U-RID-3. Mission documentation indicates that this agent insertion was intended as a distraction to aid in the extraction of a potentially compromised Blue clearance agent. How-R-YOU-2's unfortunate Matter Eater mutation allowed him to survive repeated injestion of the "Borscht" substance created by the perfidious device known as the Borscht_Generator. This tenacity made him particularly valuable to the infiltrated Communist cell. Sadly, Repeated exposure to both "Borscht" and ongoing communist propoganda eventually caused the traitorous conversion of this once loyal citizen to the Communist Cause, necessitating his interrogation and termination at the conclusion of his mission.

Due to the unfortunate exposure of How-R-YOU-2 to various Communist Viral_Thought_Patterns, it was deemed necessary to utilize a Memomax brain map which had been thoroughly processed by Special_Brain_Freshening_Unit_K when activating How-R-YOU-3. This third clone has shown no signs of relapse into Communism, or, for that matter, the capability to so much as pronounce the word. The powerful aversion to the color red which resulted from this processing is unfortunate considering that this clone is unlikely to be promoted past that security clearance. Termination or demotion to Infrared clearance is indicated.

Dossier Ends

-- Mesh-U-GNA-1

Refs: Flo-U-RID-3; Special_Brain_Freshening_Unit_K; Viral_Thought_Patterns

Referenced by:

IceeQwik

As we know, this was one of the earliest bacterial products to come out of COLgate_BioTech - and a distant genetic cousin to yeast, Algae, and a few of Alpha's more expendable citizens. An IceeQwik (IQ) colony in chemical stasis was sealed into the upper lid of every can of B4, and was intended to be used as an automatic cooling system upon opening. When it came into contact with B4, it would rupture the nucleic membrane of the beverage, reducing intracellular tension, activity, and morale. Also, a biothermic pulse would draw colder elements from the nearby environment into the beverage.

This had the dual effect of cooling the drink, and heating the area surrounding the drink. The convection currents generated by that process assisted thirsty clones with propulsion of the liquid into their parched throats. This worked well, and brought much honor to the entire COL sector. The problem was with the amount you could use safely for cooling, versus the amount that would be enough to reach negative critical mass during the reaction; it had a very narrow margin of safety. Unfortunately, several thousand cases of B4 prototype were manufactured with this excessive amount of IQ. When these cans were opened, as part of the reaction they would form more IQ, which reacted again with the B4, which created even more IQ, and so on. The upshot is that any can of B4 containing too much IQ would cause anywhere between 3 cubic meters and 100 cubic kilometers of surrounding area to be frozen solid on an atomic level, and became extremely brittle. Typically this area would then crumble into a heap of sticky ultraviolet clearance powder residue, necessitating the termination of all clones inhaling or contacting the falling dust. This phenomenon contributed significantly to the final cancellation of the B4 project.

There is some evidence to support the theory that this powder residue was itself some kind of organism, as it has been observed to reproduce in the presence of metal. As this organism would clearly have been of UV clearance, observing clones had tended to try to study and/or communicate with it rather than simply terminate it. It seems to be able to form itself into the shape of metal objects it has eaten through, as well as occasionally imitate primitive forms of InfoGlyphs, but no communication attempts have been successful thusfar. It is said that a clone was once able to communicate with it, but when The Computer found out, he was locked up in the Room_Without_Doors, and, obviously, has not been heard from since. Why he was not simply terminated, The Computer only knows.

Refs: B4, COLgate_BioTech, Algae, Room_Without_Doors

--- Toothy-U-NIX-4

Commentary:

Typical. I go to all the trouble of creating a perfectly tasty new soft drink, then it all gets ruined by those maniacs from COL sector. I begged PLC not to allow COLgate_BioTech to piggyback IceeQwik on the B4 prototypes! I said "let them invent their own damn soda and turn THAT into a freezey-bomb/microbial life form". PLC didn't listen. However, thanks to your excellent investigative work, I now know that the B4 project was only cancelled because of the IQ incidents you mention. Knowing this, I am going to take another shot at getting B4 released to the public! With any luck, we will all be able to celebrate the completion of this report by knocking back a few cans of B4 - my treat!

-- Circ-U-LAT-23

If a new rollout of the B4 project will keep some of your fellow R&D maniacs distracted from their usual hobby of finding some new way to blow up the Earth or drop Alpha Complex down an infinite hole, then it has my support. Not that R&D couldn't find a way to use B4 to blow up the earth, but at least it would be more entertaining than the usual antimatter bomb or fission-powered core drill. It would be a fizzy apocalypse!

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

Not just fizzy, but smooth and refreshing! It would be the smoothest, most refreshing apocalypse EVER!

-- Circ-U-LAT-23

If a room has no doors, how can it be locked? Does it have windows instead?

-- Drake-U-LAH-1

If a room has no doors, friend Drake-U, it is always locked. And as for what it has or does not have instead, you'll have to find out for yourself if you want to know. No one has ever left the room with no doors.

Toothy-U may be correct. Definition #3 of "locked" is "made fast, motionless, or inflexible, especially by the interlacing or interlocking of parts". A properly constructed wall could easily meet this definition.

And while a fizzy, smooth, and refreshing apocalypse might be preferable to other sorts, pursuant to the Indigo-clearance injunction mentioned in Incident_Terminology_Categorical_Hierarchy, for the next 9 yearcycles any Apocalypse would only be permissible if it had no constituent Disasters. (And if the proper paperwork were filed, of course, regardless of timeframe.)

-- Err-U-DYT-9

Stop blaming R&D every time something explodes. Initial research proved that B4 was unstable far before it made it to the can. Only tireless effort made it into something as smooth and refreshing as it turned out to be. And this time I'm not crediting my sector for doing it. I wanted nothing to do with it.

-- Screwz-U-BAD-3

Referenced by:

Info Glyphs, as they are commonly called, are more properly referred to as the Simplified Infoglyph Mnemonic Protocol system (S.I.M.P.). They are/were HPD&MC's revolutionary brainchild, as executed by R&D. The plan, like so many, was simple and ingenious: why bother training all those INFRARED_Citizens, most of which would never advance, to read? Reading is a complex and intricate task, and frankly many INFRARED drones just aren't up to it, and many never achieve more than the most rudimentary proficiency. Wouldn't it be simpler, it was asked, if we could devise a protocol whereby we could communciate the necessary information to them without having to teach them to read? This would have the additional benefit of cutting down on accidental treason, by preventing INFRAREDS from reading any materials they shouldn't, even were these materials to be left around where they could find them.

Thus was born S.I.M.P., and thus, the Info Glyph. A given communication was fitted into a system of communication categories, and each category was assigned a corresponding shape. Thus, the shape of the label indicated the type of information it contained, while the symbols inside the label transmitted the necessary message. I've selected some examples for the edification of my colleagues unfamiliar with the system:

http://home.comcast.net/~brawdymchwil/star.gif The Star label indicates message category "Alert". Here, the label clearly alerts people to the presence of radiation in the area.

http://home.comcast.net/~brawdymchwil/circle.gif The Circle label indicates message category "Property". Thus, this label indicates that the relevant object is the property of a Reactor Control Team.

http://home.comcast.net/~brawdymchwil/nonagon.gif The Nonagon label signifies message category "Warning". A "Warning" differs from an "Alert" only in severity: while a "Warning" indicates steps should be taken to avoid the relevant circumstance, an "Alert" merely implies that there's something the viewer might want to be aware of. Here, the label warns of a possible Spontaneous Combustion Hazard, probably for a foodstuff.

http://home.comcast.net/~brawdymchwil/octagon.gif The Octagon is intended for message category "Instruction". In this case, the label tells citizens to stay behind the line; this almost certainly was intended for a PLC depot, although I imagine it would be used in briefing rooms as well.

http://home.comcast.net/~brawdymchwil/septagon.gif The Septagon means message category "Forbidden". "Registered Mutants Not Allowed!" screams this Info Glyph, a useful warning for high-security areas where these admitted traitors should not be permitted.

http://home.comcast.net/~brawdymchwil/hexagon.gif The Hexagon indicates message category "Contains". Intended for shipping crates, bottles, bags, and the like, this label lets us know this container holds lightbulbs and replacement limbs!

http://home.comcast.net/~brawdymchwil/pentagon.gif The Pentagon label signifies message category "Public Announcement", and was intended for large-scale displays. Here, all citizens are told, "Fire!". The choice of a Pentagon label (as opposed to a Star or Nonagon) in this instance suggests a "Remain calm, continue about your business" context, soothing to the viewer. Everything is fine, things are under control.

http://home.comcast.net/~brawdymchwil/square.gif The Square label was reserved for message category "General Information". If it didn't fit into one of the other categories, it went into this one. This label, however, points out one of the problems with the S.I.M.P. system. What is this? Some sort of vortex? I asked three of the researchers responsible for designing the system, and none of them could recall what this was supposed to indicate.

http://home.comcast.net/~brawdymchwil/triangle.gif The Triangle indicates message category "TREASON". Rest easy, colleagues, it means a warning against treason, not that the message itself is treasonous. In this case, the lable clearly warns of treasonous unregistered mutations.

Unfortunately, various problems arose with the system, and it now faces serious review and calls for revision. The first problem, of course, is the proliferation of symbols necessary to communicate the vast array of concepts in Alpha Complex. It has proven rather difficult to, for example, create a simplified symbolic representation of a can of Bouncy Bubble Beverage that is immediately and visually distinguishable from a can of Mutant Spew Cola, a can of algaebeans, or a can of concentrated solvent. The second problem is the massive proliferation of labelling as a result of the system, until, as my colleague Screwz-U has stated "every sticker has a sticker on it to tell you how to read the sticker". In some cases, the entirety of a package or wall has been overwhelmed by labels. This leads to a certain amount of information overload, and has been indicated as a major cause of Mnemonic_Meltdown and Neuro-Cascade_Failure. The third problem, simply, is that most INFRAREDs have a great deal of difficulty distinguishing between, say, a nonagon and an octagon, especially at a glance. This has, unfortunately, led to such terrible incidents as the PopRox_Massacre, when warning labels become confused with instructions. Lastly, some critics have suggested that over time, the system could lead to full-scale illiteracy at all clearance levels. This has, so-far, been scoffed at.

Refs: INFRARED_Citizens, Mnemonic_Meltdown, Neuro-Cascade_Failure, PopRox_Massacre

-- Servs-U-RIT-7

http://home.comcast.net/~brawdymchwil/square.gif

Commentary: Hmmmm... as I recall from my IR days...

Meant "Press to Flush".

-- MESH-U

But that would be an Instruction, and therefore require the Octagon label.

-- Servs-U

I remember seeing those too, the "Press to flush!" octagons... but this was just used to label the button. Strictly informational.

-- MESH-U

Ah, that reminds me of the good old days in the Department of Redundancy Department.

-- Jan-U

I know what it means: "Come here for free psychiatric treatment." I posted it outside the Volunteer Interrogation Chambers once... good times.

-- Drake-U-LAH-1

IntSec

FR13ND C0MPUT3R 5UCK5! DEATH LEPPARD RULZ!

Oh look... a pathetic attempt by some Secret Society hooligan to deface our project. How drole. I'll leave this up here for IntSec to have a look at...

-- Mesh-U

Hmm.. more interesting, if you trackback the changes, you'll see that the defacer apparantly had trouble spelling Death Leppard. Some sort of Secret Society Frame-up going on here, perhaps?

-- Watt-U

Actually, our records indicate that the secret society is named "Death Leopard." Funny how you misspelled it the same way as the vandal, eh, Watt-U?

-- Jan-U

Not at all, Jan-U. As you'll note, what I wrote was "had trouble spelling Death Leppard", which, if you'll go back through the editing files, you will find is exactly what happened. Not having any treasonous mutant ability to read intent, I had no way to determine what the traitor was actually trying to spell, as these societies are well known for splintering various sub-societies off of them. Your apparant knowledge of the traitor's intentions I do find very interesting, however.

-- Watt-U

It's called extrapolation, citizen, and every clone in PLC (not to mention IntSec and CPU) learns how to do it. I'd assumed that Tech Services clones could also, you know, fix other people's mistakes. Perhaps, in your case, I was wrong. After all, if you did know how to interpret other people's failures, then perhaps certain unfortunate incidents related to the Toothpaste Disaster could have been avoided.

-- Jan-U

Well.

Apparently I was going to write some sort of stunning entry on the ItemsInQuestion that was going to blow the lid off this entire investigation, clear up the mystery of Flo-U-RID-3's death, and... I dunno, maybe destroy the Commie threat once and for all or something. Or rather, my predecessor was going to write it; as of yesterday afternoon, I was still looking forward to spending today (the next several days, in fact) sorting through our preserved collection of original first-century paperwork to select a few choice (i.e. suitably-cleared) items for display in OUT Sector's BLUE mess hall, as part of our Sector-wide Service Firm History Monthcycle.

But it was not meant to be, apparently; I was awakened this morning by the Computer informing me that my INDIGO status was being elevated to ULTRAVIOLET and that I was to take my previous clone's place in reporting on the Toothpaste_Disaster. I confess, "Five" had been doing fine for so long, I'd forgotten I might (would inevitably!) someday be called upon to step into the White Toga.

After donning the ULTRAVIOLET robes that were already waiting in my Productional Dispensificator, I asked the Computer how my previous clone had come to be terminated. And then the strangest thing happened: The Computer asked me what Security Clearance I was, and-- choking down the instinctive gut response that insisted I was doing something insanely wrong-- I replied that I was, in fact, ULTRAVIOLET Clearance!

And then the Computer said: "That information is not available at your present Security Clearance."

Now, this leaves me facing three highly disconcerting possibilities, in (what seems to me) increasingly impossible order:

Either the Computer was simply mistaken about the Clearance level of information regarding my prior clone's death, which is certainly possible but very rare;
or the Computer does not know (yet) what happened to my prior clone, and was using a Security Clearance bluff to hide its ignorance, which (so I've heard) happens all the time but don't know for sure;
or there is a Security Clearance higher than ULTRAVIOLET-- something like the obviously non-existent GAMMA_Clearance-- which is truly preposterous, and I want to be very clear that I haven't spent any more time thinking about such a thing than it took to me to write this sentence, which I am now done with, so I won't think about it again. Ever.

I will leave further speculation on this anomaly to you, my fellow reviewers; no doubt at least one of you knows far more about it than the rest of us. No, I don't know who you are; you may rest assured that your identity (or identities) died with Knok-5, you nasty little vermin. But I know you exist. And I know you're not done yet. Well, guess what? The Knok-OUT clone family has a few surprises left in it. I wasn't where you thought I'd be last night, was I? That's right. Newsflash: The Knok-OUTs are rarely where the monitoring systems think they are. I may be our newest ULTRAVIOLET but I know how to live at least one more day.

For the rest of you, this will hopefully come as less than a complete surprise: An individual involved with-- perhaps even the individual ultimately responsible for-- the assassination of Flo-U-RID-3 is right here on this very panel of ours. This same individual is almost certainly tied to core aspects of the Toothpaste_Disaster, pulled some very powerful strings to be on this panel, and is currently working very hard to cover up the last bits of truly important evidence before we-- the rest of us, the ones who knew nothing about this inquiry until we were asked to participate in it-- find it and put it all together.

I've come up to speed on a great deal of relevant material, thoughtfully provided in MindRoom format by my predecessor (don't bother asking how; "Five" didn't last as long as he did by giving away any magic tricks, and I'm not going to start). Unfortunately, his last imprint was a few days old and done in haste; he was probably convinced that he was under observation at the time. As a result, all I have are his speculations, not his conclusions; I have a lot of theories and facts, but very little in the way of concrete evidence.

I know very little about what he was up to last night as well; I'm a bit surprised by the fact that at no point did he contact me, to apprise me of his line of inquiry and to indicate that he might be playing with fire. Whatever happened last night, it presumably occurred so unexpectedly that he had no time to message me any last-minute words that would give me necessary clues, or even a #BN9-15/GAG: Don't Go There, Stupid to help me avoid his mistake. Or... possibly he knew his normal, legitimate lines of communication were thoroughly compromised, and attempting to use them would risk exposing me to our eventual assassin. I would advise all of you to be very careful about how you communicate with your downstream clones; I suspect I'm not the only one who's in danger at this point.

And I am quite certain I am in danger: there is nothing preventing me from picking up where my MindRoom update leaves off, following the same trail of evidence-- if the traitor in our midst hasn't cleared it all up-- and finding out whatever my predecessor knew. And, of course, there is the fact of my continued presence on this panel, and our ongoing mission to discover why the Toothpaste_Disaster happened. Someone has a vested interest in keeping that buried, and so long as even one of us is continuing to pry, there will be more assassination attempts.

And so, in the spirit of renewed vigor for life, I will carry on as my predecessor would have, to the best of my ability, for as long as I can, beginning with this entry on the ItemsInQuestion. Unfortunately, I know very little about the Items; at the time of my imprint, "Five" had only some basic facts and half-formed suspicions. I will do my best with that.

ItemsInQuestion

There was an unfortunate incident known as the ToothpasteRebellion which occurred more or less immediately in the wake of the Toothpaste_Disaster.¹ It happened in CRY and BBY Sectors early in the tenure of our own Make-U-CRY-2. The official story, if I recall correctly, is that the Rebellion began over some sort of limitation on standard dental hygiene rations. This is open to debate: there was evidently some sort of ringleader or instigator² for the Rebellion who called himself "Batclone", whose motives may have had nothing to do with Baseline_Dental_Health. I do not know anything about this individual, other than the earlier Lexicon entry which suggests a correlation between his non-standard uniform and one of the Items.³ What cannot be denied is that the Rebellion ended with the mass-termination of between ten thousand and one hundred thousand Citizens in CRY and BBY sectors.⁴

The ItemsInQuestion (IIQ) were found by a standard fourth-series Patrolbot at the height of the Rebellion. There were eight Items, held within a strange folding box⁵ that had been tucked into the back of a non-functioning, emptied-out communications patchbay in a little-used Transbot Tube evac tunnel.⁶ Cesium-Spin Dating (CSD) techniques have positively identified all eight Items as being Old Reckoning in origin. The Items were given to a Preliminary Assessment Committee (PAC) to determine what they were, before handing the Items over to a Decisive Implementation Committee (DIC) for further action. A summary of the PAC report on the Items follows:

A 1:6 scale plastic model of a male human with manually-activated striking-arm.
- The bot was in a sealed plastic package, accompanied by nine different sets of uniforms and same-scale plastic accessories.
- Armed Forces battlefield engineer Gee-I-JOE-6 believed this to be an antique prototype for a small military bot that was capable of a wide range of operations. Judging from the accompanying uniforms, these operations ranged from stealthy commando missions in the Outdoors to leading "cheers".
- Gee-I was then given a surprise re-assignment to a Vulture operation; confusion in the orders led him to believe he was to command the unit on arrival, but led the Vultures to believe they were to fire upon the next person entering the room.
A small pink rabbitoid carrying a large percussive instrument.⁷
- Power Services overseer Ann-R-GZR-5 determined that this was a remarkably small example of the Perpetual Motion Engine (PME) described in the Gatzmann_Archives but never before seen on such a small scale.
- Ann-R was then terminated for exposure to Old Reckoning technology above her Security Clearance.
A pocket tool with only two small fold-out implements: a short, dull blade and a screw-like protrusion.
- Tech Services multifunctional object assessor Shard-O-NAY-2 believed it to have been used for opening sealed bottles of recreational fermented beverage-- like B3, but less fizzy, apparently.
- Shard-O also noted that this is a very significant find that must have been quite old, because pocket tools of any sort were strictly forbidden in the last several decades of the Old Reckoning-- presumably because they have a tendency to turn up sticking out of the necks of individuals who come near them.
- At least, this is what happened to Shard-O.
A paper box labeled "Office" containing several discs (in the standard Old Reckoning "silver" format) of software data.
- Completely expendable CPU software therapist Mike-R-SFT-1, in accordance with the clear and strict protocols for accessing Old Reckoning data, examined it on an isolated computational node-- and good thing, too, as the software was, in fact, highly virulent in nature, quickly bringing the analysis unit to a grinding halt while looking for any possible access to other machines.
- The only processing device the "Office" virus was able to access was Mike-R's own mind, via his optic nerve; he continues to remain in a catatonic state even now.
A cube, each face a mix of colors in a grid pattern
- R&D tinkerer Hand-I-MAN-4 discovered that portions of the cube could be rotated in various combinations.
- Convinced that "solving" the "cube" would cause it to open, revealing even more spectacular Old Reckoning secrets inside, he eschewed sleep, food, waste elimination, water, and even eye-blinking in his devotion to working with the Item.
- He eventually died of thirst, having managed to set one entire side of the cube to YELLOW.
A set of twelve discs (in the standard Old Reckoning "mithral" format) of non-software data.
- These were accompanied by a small iconic representation of a hideously deformed humanoid mutant.
- HPD&MC armchair critic Holl-Y-WUD-1 reviewed the contents of the discs for nearly fifteen daycycles. His early updates suggest the contents are a virtually complete record of the Old Reckoning vid-epic "World War II of the Rings"⁸.
- His later updates became erratic, babbling about "full-motion video capture"⁹ and the "beauty of the Neo Z-Land Outdoors". He also seemed to have trouble distinguishing between himself and the icon of the mutant, speaking about himself in the plural. He eventually announced that he had found conclusive evidence that The Computer had been in operation since the "First Reckoning", and that its "baleful all-seeing Eye" was in fact the chief architect of the World War II of the Rings.
- IntSec then had him removed from the PAC and re-deployed into Long Term Interrogation.
A printed book missing its cover.
- Internal Security he-man and super-operative James-B-OND-6 read the book and reported that it confirmed something he had always suspected: that males and females are, in fact, two entirely different species, and that (he had now learned) each originates from different planets, neither of which is this one.
- I can only surmise that this obviously-ridiculous premise indicates the book was not a scientific journal (as he believed), but rather a cleverly-laid trap which Old Reckoning security forces used to flush out the proto-Communists that we know, even then, were everywhere.
- James-B was declared to have been infected with Viral_Thought_Patterns shortly after submitting his assessment, and had to have his entire mind shaken, not stirred, by Special_Brain_Freshening_Unit_K.
A heavy clamp-bound document titled "Tax Code 2003"
- By far the most massive of the Items, this dense and seemingly endless tome of information was given to PLC master notarizer Hate-U-APR-15, legendary for his knowledge of cryptology.
- Hate-U disappeared almost immediately, his report entry consisting solely of the cryptic message, "Time is Money and Money is Time! He who controls the Power of Taxes controls the Universe! Own you on the Flip Side, suckas!"
- Rumors of Hate-U's membership in the so-called Voodoo_Economists cabal are not even worth addressing; no such "shadowy group of high-clearance PLC execs" even exists. Now that I am ULTRAVIOLET Clearance myself, I am doubly sure of it.

I must confess, I cannot for the life of me imagine which of these eight things is the one that was somehow represented on the Batclone's uniform. Hopefully Toothy-U can shed some light.

I am also able to find vague allusions, here and there, to a Ninth_Item, but only in fragmented caches on crashed mirror-repositories. Was there one more IIQ, whose mere description has been eliminated from the extant copies of the IIQ PAC report? Considering some of the staggering implications and importance of the other eight, covering up the existence of a ninth suggests it must have been of earth-shaking significance for life in Alpha... or some extremely powerful individual or organization wanted to keep the Ninth_Item for itself. I will try not to jump to any conclusions about the fact that none of the eight members of the IIQ PAC can be contacted anymore, though an obvious (and ominous) possibility does suggest itself.

The ItemsInQuestion PAC submitted this report to the ItemsInQuestion DIC, and what happened from there... Well, I'm not really sure. There is no record of the fate of the eight Items. I can find no information about the CommitteesDecisionOnTheItemsInQuestion, nor even a list of the individuals who served on that DIC. Again, Toothy-U seems to have heard something about it; I'm sure we'd all be interested in knowing more. (I suspect my predecessor also had some progress along these lines.) The strangely-missing entry on the Decision would be more surprising if it weren't for the fact that someone in our midst is destroying and altering evidence even as it is being uncovered. Did someone submit an entry on the Decision, only to have it intercepted and deleted before being safely and permanently ensconced in this Lexicon? How was their Decision relevant to the Toothpaste_Disaster? It can't have precipitated the Disaster; the Decision occurred at least weeks, possibly months, into the post-Disaster clean-up. Did they uncover something we need to know about? Something that we're being prevented from learning?

There are members of this commission who have not been heard from in some time; I most especially note the rather sudden disappearance of Brush-U, whose intimate relationship with dental hygiene is well-known. Has he been "Flo-U-RID-ated"? Or is he our culprit, now gone deeply underground because his terrible secret is about to come out?

I expect things will have to get worse before they get better. I, for one, finally feel like I have some idea of what we're up against. I wish the rest of you the best of luck, except for those of you who are behind all of this, who I fervently hope to see dragged under a Transbot no less than six hundred meters before being set upon by a wild pack of Canibots powered by malfunctioning R&D micropiles which explode and are extinguished by having the entire Sector above dropped on top of the smoldering mess, crushing it forever under millions of tons of rock, steel, plastic, and obsolete marketing materials.

Your New Buddy in Feverish Vigilance,

-- Knok-U-OUT-6

¹ Actually, I suppose some would consider the "Disaster" to encompass all the minor problems that preceded the peak event, and all the subsequent secondary catastrophes that it caused, so perhaps by some definitions the ToothpasteRebellion occurred more or less in the middle of the Toothpaste_Disaster.
² Or maybe just a crazed participant.
³ My predecessor's only note on him expresses interest in finding an original copy of the Catastrophe Overview & Mistake Identification & Comparison (COMIC) book regarding the takedown of this individual by Peter-G-UNN-5 and his legendary EDRT, the Legion_of_Ultraviolence. (cf Emergency_Disaster_Response_Teams).
⁴ The confusion over the exact number stems from Make-U-CRY-2's controversial use of the then-brand-new EZ/Bake Pre-Emptive Bulk Termination Form 553-3/43 instead of the classic F334.97A/40+/zRG7_(Mass_Termination_(T#>40)_Request_Form) which, while generally more accurate as a record document, is a bear to fill out.
⁵ Eventually identified as R&D prototype BBY-ST-105.335/C, the "Collapsible Stasis Container", which had been missing for almost a year at that point after being stolen by an offshoot of the Romantics known as the "Dungeon Crawlers". The "Crawlers" were disbanded by Internal Security some time ago; none of them revealed, in processo, anything about the fate of BBY-ST-105.335/C, and it was presumed destroyed. It is uncertain how long it had been sitting in the evac tunnel.
⁶ Little used because the tunnel was GREEN Clearance access-only and 92.7% of Citizens involved in Transbot in-tube emergencies are of YELLOW Clearance or lower.
⁷ A possible relationship to the Easter_Bunny_Device should not escape attentive readers.
⁸ A bigger-budget and much-more-successful sequel to the original "World War", which ancient reviews suggest was awfully slow in places. It continues to astound me, the scale on which Old Reckoning civilization decadently mixed business with pleasure, staging global epics that killed uncountable Citizens and then producing beautifully-edited summaries (not unlike our own Documentaries) for inclusion in their Academy of Alexandria. While it's obvious that such unrestrained hedonism necessarily led to their downfall-- and their replacement by the enlightened and wisely-guided society we have today-- I can't help but feel sadness that their violent self-destruction included the burning of the Academy. How many glorious historical events will we never know about, because of its loss?
⁹ An Old Reckoning technique for interrogation and torture which involved "de-rezzing" the victim into purely digital information. VIOLET Clearance R&D efforts to duplicate this technology have proven, to date, highly expensive and in vain.

Refs: Legion_of_Ultraviolence, Ninth_Item

X-Refs: All over the damn place

Commentary:

I have a lot to say about the subject matter of this particular entry, but my other responsibilities hold me back from a full exegesis at this time. (And there's the matter of Knok-U's multiple active clones, a practice discontinued for several years now, but that may not be significant to this inquiry.) For the moment, I'll simply note that I've found a heavily redacted Patrolbot Debriefing Form #4-JMU/r4h(Y) in the archives, and I'm pretty sure that it's from the same patrolbot that found the Items In Question. While the exact number of Items has been redacted as well, it's clear that it's a two-digit number. This means that there are at least two Items missing, and possibly as many as ninety-one, though that last seems unlikely given the size of the box in which they were found.

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

Discontinued practice? News to me! Sure your memory isn't getting all fogged up like the glass on your tank?

Life moves pretty fast these days, old-timer; Troubleshooters in the field can't afford to wait around for a replacement to decant, then get some sort of half-assed on-the-spot Helmet_Of_Education imprinting-- especially with so many defective parts floating around! Not in my Sector, they can't. As soon as you make RED in OUT, we start decanting your backups and sending them down to the Vulture Range, where they quickly pick up the survival skills they're gonna need in this tough world of ours. When the (regrettable, but-- let's face it-- inevitable) replacement call comes in, your next clone is already a lean, mean survival machine who is ready to positively leap at the opportunity to become a RED Troubleshooter. Yes, it means being shot at by any number of dangerous psychotics from time to time-- but that's world's better than being shot at by any number of dangerous psychotics all the time.

-- Knok-U-OUT-6

Which reminds me: I better decant Seven through Twelve pronto, and ship their asses down to Vultureland to start learning how the world works.

-- Knok-U-OUT-6

My condolences upon your recent demise. It's not a pleasant thing, dying; thanks be to Friend Computer for maintaing the clone banks that make possible our return to life.

There's a fourth possibility, incidentally, as regards the information on your previous clone's demise: that the information is not available to any citizen, regardless of security clearance, and that Friend Computer happened to choose a misleading phrase - again, something that happens occasionally.

Or, come to think of it, a fifth: Friend Computer had an overwhelming reason to lie to you.

At any rate, I've done some research around the edges of the question, and have managed to ascertain a few ways in which your previous clone was not killed:

official termination for treason;
official transferral Outside of the complex;
official use as reactor shielding;
being slain by the MegaMax TissueSampler 3000.

These events generate enough traces that I'm confident I would have been able to tell.

Unfortunately, most forms of skulduggery leave only very indirect paper trails. But I'll let you know if I can figure anything else out.

--Err-U-DYT-9

Thanks for the update, Err-U. I've managed to coax a little more data out of Friend Computer myself-- "Five" was, apparently, "vaporized to seven decimal places". Unfortunately, this is the first time I've ever encountered the concept of vaporization in association with an objective, quantitative value. Is "vaporized by a plasma generator" somehow more vaporized than "vaporized by being on a fission device when it detonates"? I'm not sure what to make of it, and my CPU friends tell me they're tapped, they're not going to be able to get the Big C to cough up any more info to them.

I hope whatever happened to him was real quick and mostly painless.

-- Knok-U

Ah, James-B-OND... I always loved to hear of his latest kill or daring deed. He was unstoppable until that little incident with the reactor in Sector TMI... none of his clones were as good as the first Bond.

As for your death, I managed to retrieve security footage of the incident and have taken the liberty of editing out the boring parts. It should be arriving in your mailboxes very soon. I'm sure you'll find it very, um, informative.

-- Drake-U-LAH-1

My opinion on the number of items is not important. Oh, and the reason you couldn't find much info on who served on the committee is that there was no committee. I was simply mistaken before. Tee-hee. Nevermind about the whole thing. And, Knok-U-OUT-5 probably just, eh, fell into a hole and didn't manage to find his way out. No need to investigate that further, friend citizen. You know how it is around here, treason happens. Or maybe it's like what happened on my favorite episode of When Mutants Attack! - when the mutant attached his fourth tentacle to that Infrared citizen's head, and the citizen's entire head was sucked out through a hole in his left cheek; that was great. Good times, eh? So. Nothing to see here, I'm sure this was not connected to anything important, Flo-U-RID-3 had nothing to do with this, and there was no committee, which made no decision, and no member of which is certainly not pointing a cone rifle at my upper torso right now. Heh.

Well! Sounds like someone's on the HotSeat! Welcome to the bullseye; it just gets hotter from here.

As for the "security footage", Drake-U, I hope that next time you'll make sure it's a little more like a tape of actual data and a little less like a bomb. I'm going to have to promote a whole batch of new VIOLET_Supervisors now. Good thing my "mailbox" is nowhere near my actual location. Others might see this as evidence that you're the shadowy killer behind all of this, but I'm not so hasty to leap to any conclusions. I just think you're an insane, bloodthirsty despot ruling over a blasted, desolate wasteland of a Sector, who has become so bored and jaded by the orgies of blood he normally foists on his own underlings that he occasionally has to try to murder his peers for a little excitement.

I assure you I have not taken the attempt personally.

This time.

-- Knok-U

Well. Not that I have any particular desire to defend Drake-U, given that I do agree with your assessment of his sadistic tendencies, but you may be jumping to conclusions here. Transit records indicate that three packages were delivered to your office via ULTRAVIOLET X-Press just before the explosion. One was from Drake-U, another from Toothy-U-NIX-4 (with an invalid distribution code, oddly enough), and a third from Omega-U-MAN-5. I've no idea which of the three packages contained the explosive agent, if any. But I'm sure that the IntSec investigation will clear everything up soon enough.

-- Jan-U

Knok-U, if I didn't know how irrational you were being right now, I would take offense! No citizen above Green clearance would be stupid enough to send a booby-trapped package after publicly announcing it, especially one with their own name on it. This is just more evidence that someone is trying to tarnish my good name.

Besides, I didn't send you any packages. I sent it via Email. You know how expensive & time-consuming it is to make hard copies of security footage?

-- Drake-U-LAH-1

Ah. Well, I'm not reading my Email right now; it's thoroughly compromised. I'm also not answering any InterComs, opening the door, responding to my CellRinger, or taking out my garbage. Just for the next little while. I'm sure you understand my need for caution.

-- Knok-U

Hmm, how could you forget the package my copy of the records indicate that you sent, Jan-U? Perhaps your genetic profile is need of scrubbing... again.

-- Omega-U-MAN-5

Sure, I sent a package. But that was a weekcycle ago, it wasn't via ULTRAVIOLET X-Press, and I indicated that I was sending it in my entry to this report. And it was in ZipPaq format, which R&D assures us is verifiable, error-free, and incapable of delivering any explosive device.

Your continuing attempts to impugn my good name irritate me, Omega-U. Therefore, I shall do you the honor of employing one of your own creations: the DebateIsFutileResolutionForm. Enjoy!

-- Jan-U

Under current regulations, faking the return codes and paper-trail for hand-delivered packages is displeasingly easy for anyone of VIOLET clearance or above - and while they can generally be traced back given sufficient time and effort, the hasty accusations being made indicate that no such time nor effort has been spent.

As such, I second Jan-U's invocation of the DebateIsFutileResolutionForm. Further information on Knok-U-OUT-5's demise should be posted in a more current forum.

-- Err-U

I have only just had time to review this entry and the associated commentary. Toothy-U was correct, there was no committee. I should know. I wasn't on the committee with him. Has the location of any of these Items in Question been determined since they were lost?

-- Dursch-U

Internal Security Traitor Dossier

Subject: Jen-I-COL-3

Security Clearance Violet Required

{{{Subject Incept Date/Time Stamp: 170:122:1732.38 Cloning Facility: Clone Bank COL-04/C

Service Group: R&D Service Firm: COLgate BioTech ("We'll make you Smile")

Security Clearance: Indigo Loyalty Index: 2 Commendation Index: 7

Registered Mutation: None Suspected Secret Society Affiliation: Romantics

Last ME usage: 189:191:0720:1208.51 Last ME location: DYT

Distinguishing Characteristics:

Pre-occupation with appearance. Hair well exceeding regulation height and length. Consistently chewing.}}}

Notes: An R&D supervisor of considerable talent, Jen-I-COL has not been seen or reported in for some time now. Her rapid rise to Indigo clearance has been backed by the word of several previous supervisors, although specific details of what caused them to recommend her promotion is rather lacking. Notable accomplishments include the Aural_Static_Taste_Enhancer, RhinoKleen and Rose-Tinted_Macro-Goggles

Investigations of Jen-I-COL's movements and associations lead to a 82% probability that the subject is affiliated with a sub-society of the Romantics known as Power_Pops. Given Jen-I's repeated appearances relating to the Toothpaste Disaster, it has been calculated that the Power_Pops have 77% probability of being one of the Secret_Societies_Involved_In_the_Toothpaste_Disaster.

In addition, Jen-I-COL's proximity to the various High Programmer recreational complexes in COL sector should not be overlooked. This proximity would have afforded access to numerous ULTRAVIOLET citizens, including many of those sitting on this very panel, and also including the much lamented Flo-U-RID-3.

Refs: Aural_Static_Taste_Enhancer, Flo-U-RID-3, Power_Pops, RhinoKleen, Rose-Tinted_Macro-Goggles, Secret_Societies_Involved_In_the_Toothpaste_Disaster

-- Watt-U-GOT-9

Addendum: There may also be a relation to the League_of_Extraordinary_Dadaists, as evidenced by the Help message directed to the late Knok-U-OUT-5.

Commentary:

Hm. You know, I think my predecessor... shall we say... "knew" this Citizen's first clone while he/we still had property in COL Sector! At least, I think he did, if the R&D facility she worked for in COL Sector was the Blast Limits Observation Compound. Man, she was smokin' hot. I wonder... I wonder if she's the same ol' Jen-I from the BLOC...

-- Knok-U-OUT-6

Have you stopped taking your hormonal suppressants, Knok-U?

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

Dang, grandma! Who died and made you Unhappiness Officer? You've been in that jar so long, you've forgotten how to live!

I know we're on a massively important assignment and I know the Computer is counting on us to come through with this report-- despite the fact that many of us are probably in mortal peril. Hell, I'm in near-total isolation right now, well off the normal channels and completely ghosted in the machine, just to keep from being hunted down like "Five". We're up to our necks in a Vat of Trouble, no doubt. But am I letting that get me down? Hell naw!

The Computer wants you to be happy, Jan, and I gotta say, looking over your commentary of the last few days, you don't sound like a very happy person. You sound like an Unhappy Jan. Come on, sistah, jump up and shake it a little bit! You'll feel better.

-- Knok-U

(Well, I suppose you'll have to settle for teleremotely instructing a bot equipped with sensory feeds to jump up and shake it, but as long as the datastream back to you is clean enough, it should still be enough to make you feel better.)

-- Knok-U

Jan-U, I share your concern about Knok-U's behavior post-replacement. It is entirely too informal, paranoid, and reeks of near-treasonous behavior (such as the apparent cessation of hormone suppressants. Given that you're already flipping out about being "hunted", it shouldn't concern you too much that I'll be opening up an investigation into this behavior, Knok-U.

-- Servs-U

You know who his recent behavior and mannerisms remind me of? Brush-U-TTH-32. And you know, no one's seen Brush-U lately...

-- Jan-U

Joyometers

Happiness is mandatory. Are you happy, friend? No, really. Are you? How do you know? How do we know? And above all, how does The Computer know?

The Computer made a detailed study of the Physiological Effects of Happiness and determined (among other conclusions) that the three most readibly perceived common effects are the cheek contractions known as the "smile," an increase of personal energy and loosing of eye-muscle control giving a "glazed-over look." (I refer to the full Physiological_Effects_of_Happiness_Report for more detail.) Armed with the results of the Report, The Computer had VPR_Sectors R&D develop a monitoring system that would scan all clones in a given area and determine if they were a) moving fast enough to be happy, and b) smiling. R&D figured the easiest way to identify smiles were to check faces for a certain value of whiteness the teeth. This was known as the Joyometers.

Unfortunately, due to the poor Baseline_Dental_Health, the Joyometers were often unable to identify teeth that were not white enough. This led to the dreaded "Jubilation Runs" and the down fall of the program.

As a side note, chief Joyometer developers Skee-I-NER-3 and Mark-I-VES-5 could not agree on the pronunciation of the term. Skee-I-NER-3 favored "joy-OM-eter," whereas Mark-I-VES-5 preferred "joy-oh-Meter." This led to a friendly professional rivalry which finally culminated in the nuclear explosion destroying VPR Sector. While the fallout (if youll forgive the term) of the explosion had unpleasant lasting effects, Skee-I-NER-4 and Mark-I-VES-6 proved far more capable of working together.

-- Dursh-U-WTZ-8

Referenced by:

Commentary: At least they promise the sector will be rebuilt within a couple of yearcycles. I like the clones I'm working with in the meantime, but it's not the same sense of cohesion we had in VPR. Of course, this panel is (mostly) helping me keep my mind off that disaster, and the shock I experienced upon arriving at work that morningcycle. Thanks for letting us know about this, though; I hadn't been informed.

-- Paul-U-LEG-5

Ah, the KorDrill7... Brings back fond memories of my time as a Blue. Remember that, Don-U-DON? Remember the time you ran over that traitor with a bulldozer, or that citizen I tossed into a hydralic pump because he was giving you sass? Too bad they never got around to using it... typical bureaucracy, arguing about its safety standards when the damn thing was already built.

It was safe enough, damn it! Only 14 citizens died during its construction, well within the 23% casualty limit established at the time. And ample testing showed that its use would only cause scale 5.0 earthquakes, well within acceptable Seismic Shift Parameters. If only that Troubleshooter statue ("Standing Firm Against Communism") hadn't fallen and crushed those CPU managers during Test #8, it would've passed the inspection without a hitch. I was appalled when you were executed for it. Of course, you were the one that suggested that we build it in that abandoned Infrared barracks, so I wasn't surprised.

Anyway, that was years ago. Ever since, it languished unused in HOL Sector, never fulfilling the purpose Loose-I-FER-1 commissioned it for: to excavate new housing levels by tunneling miles underground. I guess after a year in red tape, everyone forgot about it... except for the Commies. I'm sure stealing it out of those dilpidated barracks was simple, except for one thing:

How did they lug it out of there?

I helped process the technical spec forms for it, and it weighed at least 14 tons. The thing was as big as a reactor; not even a semibot could haul it out. It was never meant to be moved from its spot. Just lifting it up would require amazing feats of technical prowess, let alone moving it an inch. How would they even fit it through the necessary corridors without anyone noticing?

So I revisited that old barracks from long, long ago. The exterior was unharmed; they would have to cut a hole 75 ft. wide to squeeze it out. I was half-right. They cut the hole in the floor and somehow transported it through the biggest tunnel I've ever seen. (Analysis by some crack R&D demolitionists also found similarities between the tunnel walls and the "cavity creep" of the COL_gate_incident.)

The Troubleshooter team I sent to find the end of the tunnel popped out in Sector LYT. From there, they moved it into Sector LOK, presumably aiming it at the IntSec Information Factory there.¹ (Why they didn't see it coming, I can't tell.) Fortunately for our Men_in_Infrared, the drill was never meant to be used sideways.

It left a trail of destruction spanning half of the sector, skittering around like a scrubot with BBB-soaked circuits, without making a scratch on the Info Factory. Then it somehow managed to right itself and do what it was meant to do: auger as far into the earth as it could. We haven't seen it since; the first exploration team might have, if they survived the fall down. We do know that the hole it left is at least 4 miles deep. I suggest assigning a new exploration team with much more rope. And flamethrowers. If this is where those damned Wyrms came from, I want to be prepared.

¹ The relation between the Sector LOK IntSec Information Factory and "The Wall_Will_Fall" has yet to be determined.

-- Drake-U-LAH-1

Refs: Men_in_Infrared, Wyrms

Cross-Refs: COL_gate_incident, Loose-I-FER-1, Wall_Will_Fall

Commentary:

Is this connected to Project_Infinite_Hole? Or perhaps to Project_Finite_Hole? I don't recall getting a memo, and the Toothpaste Disaster archive is still a mess. I'd have it all sorted out by now if Omega-U didn't keep requisitioning my staff to help fill out his Form Completion Forms.

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

Doubtful. You can still dig a hole without it being experimental. The fact that it was a REALLY big hole doesn't matter. However, at least it performed its stated task perfectly, something neither of the projects can boast.

-- Drake-U-LAH-1

I found some strange links when I was writing up Loose-I-FER-1, but they were not present when I actually put the information together. Weird, that.

-- Paul-U-LEG-5

What do you mean? I hope your answer isn't intentionally vague.

-- Drake-U-LAH-2

At first, I was going by the links in the Project_Infinite_Hole thing, looking to make sure this wasn't tied in somehow... and there was that link. But now I wonder it it wasn't because of Jan-U-ARY's link, above. I need more sleepcycles, I think. That's all, though, I didn't intend to be vague there.

-- Paul-U-LEG-5

KriegsList

After his suspension from WhirledRON_Energy six years ago, Power Services supervisor Krieg-G-EAR-3 utilized illegal connections in CPU to establish a secure black market server where clones dissatisfied with their current assignments could requisition new placements, and supervisors could seek out new employees, all outside the normal channels. This service quickly gained a sizable underground following among disaffected clones eager for alternatives to their proper places in the social order.

While KriegsList always retained its primary function as an illegal employment requisition board, it expanded into a forum for the exchange of all sorts of goods and services. Everything from lightly scuffed PenBots to ingots of Uri-Glutonium332 were bought and sold every daycycle. Unlike the free exchanges on the illegal file-sharing Zapster network or the bidding system on the auction site C-Bay, KriegsList policy held all sales to a fixed price, generally in terms of unlicensed credits and Mercantile Enterprises Troubleshooter Travelers Cheques (METro_Cheques)¹. Early infiltration of the KriegsList core servers allowed Internal Security to monitor all transactions on the board, transforming it into a useful asset for tracking treasonous activity in Alpha Complex.

Halle-B-RTN-4s connection with Krieg-G is unclear, but we believe that she obtained some sort of leverage against him, most likely evidence of treason, that gave her power over him. Within a year, Halle-B gained control of the largest single chunk of KriegsList black market stock, giving her authority over the KriegsList server.

Under Halle-Bs management, KriegsList took a sharp turn for the worse. The site became a hotbed for the fraudulent exchange of lost and stolen METro_Cheques and for the laundering of credits from a variety of secret societies, most notably Free Enterprise. Worse, all credits funneled through the server came attached with Questionable_Credit_Licenses, many of which have not yet been fully dissected by R&D. In addition, the broad reach and effectiveness of the corrosive Viral_Thought_Patterns employed by the sites viral marketing techniques led to an Alpha Complex-wide work efficiency reduction of 1.07%, and the increased visibility that viral marketing brought to KriegsList made it difficult to maintain the fiction that the site was free of infiltration by IntSec. But it wasnt until a routine IntSec probe discovered the presence of ULTRAVIOLET-rated security software on the board, capable of screening specific transactions even from IntSec scrutiny, that it became necessary to liquidate KriegsList and its traitorous clientele.

Analysis of KriegsList records has been slow due to heavy encryption and the loss of much of the relevant IntSec analysis in the ULTRAVIOLET_Massacre. As a result, there may be a wealth of critical information still buried in their databases; but for now, weve found a few tidbits of information that seem germane to this committees lines of inquiry:

An unnamed VIOLET Supervisor in LEG sector apparently purchased samples of Dentagrip, Mollusc, and Toothpasty Supplement #6 from a shell account / drop point located in TTH sector. ² All of these were experimental dentifrices at the time that should not have been brought out of quarantine. Who sold them, who bought them, and to what treasonous use were they to be put?
A blank, pre-approved F334.97A/40+/zRG7_(Mass_Termination_(T#>40)_Request_Form) appeared on KriegsList just before the ToothpasteRebellion. Data regarding the transaction seems to have been deliberately corrupted, but Armed Forces records indicate that the form was invoked in BBY sector during the Rebellion, resulting in the deployment of Vulture_Squadron_Bravo_9. Was this part of a cover-up, designed to silence a conspirator then active in BBY sector? ³
A long record of transactions exists between Project_Infinite_Hole and Project_Finite_Hole. Apparently mid-level supervisors on both projects regularly exchanged equipment, data and personnel via KriegsList in defiance of Directive #107/4-LOQ and operational R&D firewalling protocols. Secret society infiltration of both projects was thereby cross-pollinated, to the ultimate detriment of both ventures. Initial research shows an uncomfortably strong FCCCP presence in Project_Infinite_Hole, and heavy PURGE, Death Leopard and Sierra Club infiltration of Project_Finite_Hole. A full analysis of transaction data may yield new insight into the Secret_Societies_Involved_In_the_Toothpaste_Disaster.
Tom-I-TUT-1⁴, an INDIGO-clearance executive in the Tech Services Service Firm OmniPipeTechServ, used KriegsList to FART in additional personnel via the Group_Assignment_Services_Exchange_Scheme_(GASES). By obtaining a package deal from the PLC Service Firm Vermilion_Developments⁵, he obtained the necessary personnel. Unfortunately, they were completely untrained for their new Tech Services positions. This led to the Bile_Suppressant incident with which we are all too familiar.
In addition to Loose-I-FER-1s use of KriegsList, there are over six hundred documented transactions that have been traced directly to the Supervisory Autonomous Tele-Authority Node (see GOD_Complex), including the purchase of several hundred Remote_Surveillance_Drones and a full shipment of CyberChomp_4000s. Curiously, some of these transactions have been dated as taking place even after Loose-Is incarceration! Perhaps the SATAN is more autonomous than wed previously believed? If so, this bodes ill; the SATAN has access to a great deal of authority for something that is basically a jumped-up bot brain, and even after the repair to its defective Asimov Circuits, it may well be capable of further independent antics.
A document from the Old Reckoning, labeled Tax Code 2003, appears once in the KriegsList transaction database. This appears to be one of the ItemsInQuestion. Given the importance of the ItemsInQuestion, R&D and IntSec have spared to decrypt the transaction data, and they have finally cracked the code. It seems that the document was sold to Halle-B-RTN-4 by Rasp-U-TIN-1 for a sum to be named later. Presumably this is the 2,000,000 credit transfer noted by Drake-U-LAH-1 in his report on Halle-B. This also implies that the 2,500,000 credit transfer to Halle-B resulted to her sale of the document to some unknown party. If we find Halle-B, we find the individual responsible for amassing the ItemsInQuestion. She must be found!

A post-mortem analysis of KriegsList financial databases revealed a credit tap that channeled millions of credits per weekcycle from KriegsList accounts directly to the personal account of Ken-U-RON-6. Charges of embezzlement and fraud against Ken-U resulted in probation and a fine of 20,000 credits.

Footnotes:

Dont leave your sector without them! (1)
No connection with citizen Brush-U-TTH has been demonstrated. Yet. (2)
The following citizens, referenced elsewhere in this report, were present in BBY sector at the time: Inigo-R-ANT-2, My-O-PIC-2, and Cap-I-ICE-5. Information regarding the movements of ULTRAVIOLET citizens into or out of BBY sector is not currently available. (3)
Reference: Committee IC48934-Q23-HX45. (4)
I am not, nor have I ever been, affiliated with Vermilion Developments. (5)

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

Refs: METro_Cheques, Questionable_Credit_Licenses

Cross Refs: Bile_Suppressant, Committee_IC48934-Q23-HX45, CyberChomp_4000, Defective_Batch_ACA675T09-XXXX, Dentagrip, F334.97A/40+/zRG7_(Mass_Termination_(T#>40)_Request_Form), Group_Assignment_Services_Exchange_Scheme_(GASES), GOD_Complex, Halle-B-RTN-4, ItemsInQuestion, Loose-I-FER-1, Mollusc, OmniPipeTechServ, PenBot, Project_Finite_Hole, Project_Infinite_Hole Rasp-U-TIN-1, Remote_Surveillance_Drones, Secret_Societies_Involved_In_the_Toothpaste_Disaster, ToothpasteRebellion, ULTRAVIOLET_Massacre, Uri-Glutonium332, Vermilion_Developments, VIOLET_Supervisors, Viral_Thought_Patterns, Vulture_Squadron_Bravo_9, WhirledRON_Energy, Zapster

Commentary:

I never know which aspect of KriegsList bothered me the most-- the proliferation of Armed Forces weaponry, the leaking of prototype R&D gear, or the brisk trade in pre-approved paperwork.

I'm intrigued by the re-appearance of the Tax Code 2003 Item. From Hate-U-APR-15 to Rasp-U-TIN (through how many other hands?) to Halle-B-RTN to someone else... Two and a half million credits is a pretty big chunk of change, especially if it was unlicensed. Shouldn't be too hard to figure out where it went with a little more homework.

-- Knok-U-OUT-6

Most of the Armed Forces weapons trade was on C-Bay anyway, so don't to see much change in that department. But the pre-approved paperwork? We can only hope.

As to the "Tax Code," if I understand the timing correctly, Hate-U was the last one to lay hands on it. Rasp-U sold it to Halle-B, who sold it to someone else, who left it with the rest of the ItemsInQuestion for reasons we have yet to understand. Then Hate-U got hold of it during the analysis phase, and you know the rest.

-- Jan-U

Random interrogations succeed yet again!

Thanks to the ample supply of traitors my previous clone kept on the rack "just in case", I was quickly able to find one that confessed a connection to the "Tax Code". Shirley-B-IRS was originally a member of PLC service firm Forms Eternal before she was convicted of bad cursive writing and added to Drake's Assembly of Traitors.

She said that her firm, looking for the next breakthrough in form-making, learned of the "Tax Code" form. It was renowned in Old Reckoning Times for driving form-fillers to the brink of madness. (For those not in the know, one of the key scores in rating forms is Frustration Factor. Only the most loyal clones can complete high-Frustration forms without revealing their treason by answering a question wrong or blasting a clerk's head off.)

Hoping to take notes from the "Tax Code" form, the Forms Eternal workers pooled their money together and gave it to the Board, which promptly bought it off of KriegsList. However, the form never arrived. Either someone stole it or it never completed its transit (in which case the other ItemsInQuestion should be listed somewhere on KriegsList). She did mention that even without the "Tax Code", Forms Eternal utilized its basic premise to make forms. The "Ch11" line of forms, which required the form-filler to calculate the payment necessary to fill them out, was so diabolical that the Review Board spontaneously executed the presentators. The forms were later rejected on the basis that they "would corrupt even the most loyal citizens".

She also mentioned that they pooled at least 3,000,000 credits, and was quite peeved to learn that the form only cost 2.5 million. The Board members must have shaved a bit off the top, despicable behavior for high-clearance citizens.

Unfortunately, clearance for the IDs of the Board members requires a couple hundred forms to be filled out and processed. Now, either I can have my Supervisors spend excessive time filling them all out and tack on "Waste of AC Resources" to the list of treasons executed, or I can have the Ultraviolet in charge of the company reveal the IDs themselves.

I have my suspicions... (see Laughing_Fun commentary)

-- Drake-U-LAH-2

You could just send the forms over to MAN sector. Omega-U's staff is so used to infinite Form Completion Form recursion loops that a mere couple hundred forms would be trivially easy for them.

-- Jan-U

Referenced by:

LeadLike

LeadLike is a flexible, multipurpose chemical and radiation resistant lead substitute. Developed in YC168, in response to Alpha Complexes diverse requirements for ever increasing quantities of actual lead (See the following reports: AF362-2a-123xx "Armed Forces projected ammunition requirements, the next 50 years"; PLC127-0800-2312 "The importance of heavy metals in infrared nutrition"; and HPDMC4d34-12c "Increased recommendations for domicile wall thickness and composition for clearances above Blue"), LeadLike has been approved for most lead-substitution purposes for clearance levels Yellow and below. It has also been approved as a component of reactor shielding, not to exceed 3050% total shielding composition (Note: I suspect a typo in this approval. The lab reports all recommend 30.50%. Perhaps R&D and Power should get together and go over this... Mesh-U).

Leadlike is composed as follows¹:

56% recycled PLC-surplus X-ray film
12% Rayon/Cotton blend
14% spent bio-organic slurry
8% Recycled bot parts
5% depleted uranium
2% undepleted uranium
1.2% lead
.6% hope
.3% PLC form completion forms

Two noteable failures of Leadlike to live up to it's specification occured in Nuclear Facility RON-372/ A, where it failed to resist the impact of a rogue transbot, it's failure to prevent the use of certain unregistered mutant abilities by mutants caught in Mutant_Traps, and a variety of reports of radiation sickness by members of Reactor_Operational_Function_Lackey_(ROFL) teams.

-- Mesh-U-GNA-1

¹ From R&D primary report on the development of LeadLike.

Commentary:

Now, now, I'm quite sure this content breakdown is incorrect. Did the R&D development team just crib notes off a corrupted copy of the Gatzmann_Archives downloaded from an infected Helmet_Of_Education or something? Recycled surplus PLC X-ray film is used in all sorts of things, but LeadLike is not one of them. At least not to the tune of 56%! There's just not enough surplus used film (or even new film!) around to provide so much content for the sheer mass of LeadLike that has been manufactured to date.

I am, to say the least, skeptical.

-- Knok-U-OUT-6

Actually, Knok-U, I've run the numbers... Every clone in Alpha Complex has a mandatory health maintenance and joy enhancement session at least twice a month. In each of these sessions, between 3 and 29 (avg 7) X-ray exposures are taken, persuant to a variety of Computer mandates for checking both for health, as well as mutation, and smuggling internally of small objects. There was nearly a 150 year backlog of used films when Leadlike production began, and while we are not quite generating new films at the rate we're using old ones to produce Leadlike, the backlog should be able to cover production for at least another 34 years. I suspect that should Leadlike continue to be in high demand, reasons will be found to increase the number of X-ray exposures taken well before that time. I

-- Mesh-U

Loose-I-FER-1

One of the more controversial topics picked up in this forum is that of Loose-I-FER-1, traitor of the GOD_Complex. The question over that particular entry led to not only an association with Flo-U-RID-3 but also a laundry list of traitorous associations, including:

In most sectors, he is known as an information source to Service Firms in HPD&MC and Internal Seccurity, as detailed in the Information_Distortion entry. Somehow, he also seems to have access to manufacturing facilities in HEL sector, where the Supervisory Autonomous Tele-Authority Node (SATAN) used to run GOD_Complex was built. He used his contacts there to have the SATAN Asimov circuitry sabotaged, its polarity reversed.

I believe aspects of this modus operandi should be sought out in other aspects of the case. What about the automatic systems that ran Flo-U-RID-3's quarters and grooming systems? The Transbot brains of the Alternative_Troubleshooter_Team_Insertion_Conduit_(ATTIC) system involved in the Four_Reactor_Foam_Flood? We don't even know that he didn't have something to do with the creation of Defective_Batch_ACA675T09-XXXX, even if Jen-I-COL-3 did in fact have no association with him. I know some preliminary results have come from Internal Security indicating Loose-I-FER-1's treasonous membership in the Frankenstein Destroyers, potentially adding them to the list of Secret_Societies_Involved_In_the_Toothpaste_Disaster. One can only wonder what his involvement in the KorDrill7 project (and possible role in the COL_gate_incident) truly was, and what he knows about its current whereabouts.

Refs: Alternative_Troubleshooter_Team_Insertion_Conduit_(ATTIC), COL_gate_incident, Defective_Batch_ACA675T09-XXXX, Flo-U-RID-3, Four_Reactor_Foam_Flood, GOD_Complex, Halle-B-RTN-4, How-R-YOU-2, Information_Distortion, Jen-I-COL-3, KorDrill7, Rasp-U-TIN-1, Roy-G-BIV, Secret_Societies_Involved_In_the_Toothpaste_Disaster, Vegeta-R-IAN-3

-- Paul-U-LEG-5

Commentary:

I think this guy gets an undeservedly bad reputation too often. Information_Distortion is one of the greatest gifts that we, the upper Clearances, can and do provide for the low-level Citizens, and Loose-I is among the Very Best. Sometimes, of course, we have to cut our Very Best a little slack when they, you know, exceed their normal boundaries a little bit. I'm not talking about permitting treason, of course; I'm just saying... you know, so maybe Loose-I has played it a bit fast and casual now and then, and maybe he mixes it up with some rough company... but do we label him a Traitor just because of the company he keeps? If that's all it takes, well then, I guess we're all Traitors by virtue of the fact that someone on this comission is a murderer and primary conspirator!

-- Knok-U-OUT-6

Ah, yes, but remember that Loose-I-FER-1 can seem a Noble Troubleshooter of Light while committing the Foulest Treason. You will know them by their Computer Approved Fruit Substitutes, and his would seem to be quite foul. In his case, there is known treason, and those associated with him are implicated pretty deeply in similar treason (namely, the Toothpaste_Disaster we're all worried about). Besides, it's not like he's a close, personal friend of yours.... right?

-- Paul-U-LEG-5

Oh, no, of course not. Only ever seen him on vids and the occasional marketing brief.

-- Knok-U

I feel that the reputation here is pretty well deserved. If anything, it's not bad enough... This clone seems to be rather slick about evading accusations of treason. If it wasn't for the incident in the GOD_Complex, I'm sure he would have been an ULTRAVIOLET by now, by hook or by cone rifles, as it were.

-- Omega-U-MAN-5

-- Manifesto_Out_of_Space_and_Time

Megadent

The Megadent was the follow-on project after the failure of the ADC project. In reality, it was simply a souped-up, more active version of the ADC, in the same class of devices as the Easter_Bunny_Device. It utilized a number of tools, including Floss++, Whitener_Compounds, and Toothpasty_Supplement_#5 (with plans to upgrade to Toothpasty Supplement #6 when it was ready) to present the user with Total_Oral_Cleansing as part of the Citizen's Whole_Oral_Experience. Or so the proposed marketing brochures say.

It apparently was designed after the discovery of Defective_Batch_ACA675T09-XXXX's effects on the Denta-Bots project, thus it's nature (especially after the relative success of the Easter_Bunny_Device). The lack of Asimovs, though, meant it was somewhat rough toward its subjects during its test runs in three sectors (expanded to twenty, including DYT sector, in the wake of the Communist marketing campaign therein, a rollout that was not originally intended for several monthcycles).

The Megadents would roam the halls of the sectors, looking for Citizens with poor apparent dental hygiene, which it would then correct. At this stage of the project (so I'm told) casualty reports from such cleaning attempts are still unacceptably high, but that's the price you pay for progress, sometimes. Some of the casualty removal personnel in my sector had some difficulty with the ones with Floss++ strung through their entire gastrointestinal tract; I simply told them to think of it as making them easier to carry. I have not yet completed the paperwork to make this an approved use of the item in question, but I assure the CPU panelists it is on the way.

But I digress.

According to some documentation I've seen (and provided copies of to the rest of the panel), at least part of the Alternative_Troubleshooter_Team_Insertion_Conduit_(ATTIC) load of Toothpasty_Supplement_#5 that crashed in RON sector was intended for Megadents in ROT sector.

Refs: ADC, Alternative_Troubleshooter_Team_Insertion_Conduit_(ATTIC), Defective_Batch_ACA675T09-XXXX, Denta-Bots, Floss++, Toothpasty_Supplement_#5, Total_Oral_Cleansing, Whitener_Compounds, Whole_Oral_Experience

Referenced by:

-- Paul-U-LEG-5

Commentary:

So are these things still in operation anywhere? I mean, in significant numbers-- I understand that it's likely there's one or two running around somewhere still. Sure, they're better than the Denta-Bots but I've seen some of their... um... subjects and they look... um... Well, their teeth look pretty good, at least...

Has HPD&MC been informed they need to roll out a "gastrointestinal flossing" campaign once your New Use Application goes through?

-- Knok-U-OUT-6

I believe testing is ongoing in all twenty sectors.

As to the other thing, it won't be a problem. We'll rename the Floss++ something like "EZ Corpse Carry Thread." I intend to head up the dispenser testing once VPR Sector R&D is back online.

-- Paul-U-LEG-5

Sounds like someone programmed it for "Total Digestive Cleansing" instead of "Total Oral Cleansing". Either that or its food detection units are a bit TOO good.

-- Drake-U-LAH-2

I know what you mean. It's things like this that give the R&D services a bad name. I'm just glad it's not one of mine.

-- Paul-U-LEG-5

Ok, so let me get this straight... We had trouble with Dentabots with defective Asimov circuits, and so some bright clone decided that the best solution was to build a Dentabot with no AC's at all?

-- Mesh-U

So it would seem. It's things like this that give the R&D services a bad name (especially after the Easter_Bunny_Device). "But it's not a Bot" they say, "it's a mobile ADC." If I worked in that R&D firm, I'd have the offender executed, but it's not my say (at the moment).

-- Paul-U-LEG-5

LexiconMN

MindRoom

I think I have found a startling link that may help in uncovering serious questions regarding the Toothpaste_Disaster. Close scrutiny of the security tapes from VED sector have identified over 50 of the rioting INFRARED clones. Going through their history shows that they all received their Baseline_Dental_Health initiative training through the same MindRoom training program. I have found the program and, having studied it, ordered the destruction of all other copies.

MindRoom is an illusionary-reality program that is able to create complete interactive environments. While we use them most commonly for recreation or to imprint our stored memories on newly decanted clones, they are used by HPD&MC (among others) for training purposes through the Helmet_Of_Education. One such program instills the mandatory compliance for Baseline_Dental_Health codes. The specific program BDH-83Q-3-ROM was programmed by Judas-G-OAT-2, an up and coming producer. It seems that his training on the use of Toothpaste Supplements was exceedingly intense.

As described in the Four_Reactor_Foam_Flood, a transbot crash caused many sectors to fill with a frothy and foam-like flood, which can be easily mistaken for Toothpasty Supplements 3-6 (including Toothpasty_Supplement_#5). Seeing so much Toothpasty Supplements, the clones imprinted with BDH-83Q-3-ROM did not run screaming in horror from the foam flood, but rather tried to cleanse their teeth with it! In addition to dissolving their mouths instantly, the pain and corrosive foam drove them insane, inciting the rioting which quickly spread from ROM to ROC, ROD and RON sectors and eventually into the chaos of VED Sector.

I have taken the liberty of ordering Judas-G to report to Internal Security, although any punishments or commendation should result from the full reporting of this committee. I have already begun the paperwork on the finding as Wrap-up_Report_ROM/VED-37JN-187.334-k Judas-G-OAT-2's Complicities in The Toothpaste Disaster. Since research is my field of expertise, I shall leave it to one of my fine colleagues here to complete the report in full.

--Dursch-U-WTZ-8

Commentary:

I bet if we review whatever remains of his pre-Disaster service record, we'll find that Judas-G-OAT-2 knew, and probably promoted in parallel with, Scape-G-OAT-6, who managed to briefly gain access to this report in its earliest days. A connection from the Toothpaste_Disaster to Judas-G-OAT to Scape-G-OAT to someone on this panel who has been overseeing attempts on the lives of their peers... Is there perhaps an OAT Sector Cabal that is, in its own way, as much a threat-- or moreso!-- than the OUS_Sector_Cabal?

-- Knok-U-OUT-6

Perhaps. Although it may simply be that the OUS_Sector_Cabal has broadened its recruiting efforts - or relocated to avoid capture. It's only one sector over, after all.

Insert editing mark Beta now.

-- Err-U-DYT-9

Referenced by:

LexiconMN

Mollusc

Created by Mothra-O-PRL-2 and the Bronson Pinchot Support Group, Mollusc is a durable, waxy substance originally formulated for use as a substitute for venerable Reflec-brand reflective armor. Later experiments at R&D Lab #45FGU, Mollusc also showed potential in the areas mentioned in the entry marked Decay_Preventatives.

"Bulletproof-teeth" was the rallying cry of the B.P.S.G. (although technically, it should have been "lasproof-teeth") and the cadre of cavity commandoes worked 'round the proverbial clock to perfect the formula. A shipment was test-pumped into BAD Sector as a way to procure free and unbiased beta testing of the product. Some casualties resulted - but, hey, them's the breaks, right? Unfortunately for the group, the Complex and ultimately, Friend Computer, the Mollusc project was canned in favor of Toothpasty_Supplement_#5, which quite frankly bites the Big One.

The B.P.S.G. will not go unavenged! So sayeth Brush-U-TTH!

-- Brush-U-TTH-9

Commentary:

Brush...? Is that really you? You look so... young!

-- Knok-U-OUT-6

Ah, yes. Might you be referring to my erstwhile clone "replacement." Ho, ho...what a troublesome one he turned out to be. No matter. The happy-go-lucky fool is bound to run out of credits or favors sometime or another and then I, the original Brush-U will reign supreme. That and I get my old quarters back...these crawlspaces are a tad uncomfortable. Death to all who oppose us!

Have a nice daycycle.

-- Brush-U-TTH-9

Brush-U-TTH-9?

...

I thought you were dead! We all thought we'd seen the last of you when you fled Alpha Complex for the dubious safety of Xavier_Central. What brings you back to the land of the loyal? Please feel free to inform us at length; have no fear of being traced by our Remote_Surveillance_Drones.

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

You thought wrong, Brisco. It took a long time to re-integrate myself back into the warm, pillowy bosom of Alpha Complex but thanks to the hard work of my fellow loyalists at Xavier_Central, I'm back in action.

CloneAlone was instrumental in my escape from the Complex. Back then I was a lowly Indigo-clearance vidcaster on Alpha Network. When traitorous elements in the Network activated my replacement clone before I was actually dead, CloneAlone (with the assistance of XC and the B.P.S.G.) helped me escape when I encountered Brush-U-TTH-10 sitting in my workstation.

-- Brush-U-TTH-9

Referenced by:

LexiconMN

Omega-Hybrizine

Hmm. It seems that with the level of information about this product, there is almost no need to report on anything else. Purely for informational notice, Jan-U, you might want to be careful which side of your glass is cleaned with what.

It is worth noting that the Zero_Tolerance_Mouthwash_Accident caused a slight decrease of Omega-Hybrizine in some sectors.

"Toothpasty Supplement #5 was created, containing Beta-Toxsystene to improve cleanliness and Omega-Hybrizine for disinfection"

-- Baseline_Dental_Health

"More recently, the term "Holistic Medicine" has also been come to apply to any of the various pharmaceutical substances developed in conjunction with Project Infinite Hole."

-- Holistic_Medicine

"Red wires are everywhere in Alpha Complex, and cutting them willy-nilly can lead to bad things, like a face full of ChemiLuminoOxygrin, Diphenhydromegatoxine, Omega-Hybrizine, Triboromethyloxine and Whitener Compounds."

-- Information_Distortion

"everyone present had been massively dosed with cognition dampening medicines (see Omega-Hybrizine and Xynonull)"

-- Little_Red_Disk

"It began when one of my VIOLET Supervisors was cleaning my Happy Fun Ball with Omega-Hybrizine. She assured me that there would be no side effects, as it was considered to be a safe disinfectant."

See rest of article for possible connections to creation of Laughing Fun.

-- Laughing_Fun

"A cocktail of various mental drugs, notably Omega-Hybrizine and Xynonull, should prevent me from going over the brink of insanity while keeping me conscious enough to record my results."

"The remnants of the drug cocktail have been analyzed. Instead of Omega-Hybrizine and Xynonull, they found traces of Lemonine & Cheerberry-flavored Hot Fun. I did some research, and it seems that the official flavors of Omega-Hybrizine and Xynonull are Lemonine & Cheerberry respectively."

Commentary:

Is this considered done, then?

I'm definitely of the "Omega-Hybrizine is a cleaning product" camp, not the "Omega-Hybrizine is a mental cushioner" camp.

-- Knok-U-OUT-6

I certainly wouldn't consider it done. A collection of references is not the same thing as a topical article, regardless of what the author of this might think.

I agree that Omega-Hybrizine's primary usage seems to be as a disinfectant/cleaning product. This does not preclude its being used as a form of neurosedative, however - though presumably at a rather different concentration.

-- Err-U-DYT-9

--Begin Report--

Sorry about that. Those responsible have been terminated. Some VIOLET Supervisors felt they could handle the job without me. I now have new supervisors.

The above was apparantly done by Q-V-CEE-6, and was her last work. No clones for her. This tasty and much maligned product of Alpha Complex has turned Commie infiltration around in a number of Sectors, namely, DRT and FTH. At first I thought that there was going to be an attack on my supply of Laughing_Fun, or possibly on my replicating recipe, but it turned out that was just a front for a massive switch of the actual Lemonine flavoring with Omega-Hybrizine, by Secret_Societies_Involved_In_the_Toothpaste_Disaster of which Q-V-CEE-6 was in partial charge of. After extensive questioning (although nothing like Drake-U's tastes) she only revealed to me partial information. It seems that the WMD_(Warriors_of_Masked_Dentistry) were planning to use the switched flavoring in the transmission of Viral_Thought_Patterns throughout the Complex. I traced them through Questionable_Credit_Licenses to a werehouse in FAR sector. No clues to the traitors pulling their strings could be found.

-- Screwz-U-BAD-3

Come on, Screwz-U. We all know that werehouses, like werewolves and werebots, are Romantic nonsense that have no place in a factual report.

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

I'm sorry. I had used an old term. To clarify, a PLC Distribution Center.

-- Screwz-U-BAD-3

Are sure they are? I remember seeing a hallway devour a citizen once. At the time, I attributed it to an R&D experiment.

-- Drake-U-LAH-2

References: WMD_(Warriors_of_Masked_Dentistry), Secret_Societies_Involved_In_the_Toothpaste_Disaster, Viral_Thought_Patterns, Laughing_Fun, Questionable_Credit_Licenses

Referenced by:

OmniPipeTechServ

I'm now convinced that OmniPipeTechServ must be at the heart of this matter. My attempts to access its records have been stymied at every turn. Even there wasn't evidence of OmniPipeTechServ's unlicensed possession of Bile_Suppressant, the fact that they deliberately malformed the packet headers in their data transmission (which resulted in the irrecoverable loss of my last three reports) stands as evidence enough of their treason. Further, their financial reports indicate a that they laundered a substantial quantity of credits through Vermilion_Developments to the Tuesday_Afternoon_Conspiracy. I recommend that their Board of Directors be liquidated immediately.

Ref: Bile_Suppressant, Tuesday_Afternoon_Conspiracy, Vermilion_Developments

--Kill-U-DED-4

Commentary:

I've got some old records on file from when OPTS was in operation. It's quite a sad tale really. You know how every week-cycle some layman who has absolutely no clue about the complexities involved in Tech Services or Power Services gets the idiotic idea to combine the two. Fortunately, most clones never make it into a position of power. Well OPTS is the result of one who did. I don't have any names as this is just origin information, but from what I can gather, OPTS was an experimental blending of two service firms, OmniTech and PipeServe.

Of course, people advocating this kind of merge often fail to consider the security implications behind it. Friend Computer in it's wisdom separated the two for a reason after all. That reason being simply that it's far too easy to start using poor quality parts and mechanisms to drive the vital services of the Complex and not have it found out until far too late. The division of labour between the two ensures this doesn't happen, as Tech Service firms are always quick to report when Power Service firms are doing a substandard job that could make things more difficult or dangerous for them, and Power Service firms are always whining because they don't understand the simple elegance of Tech Services plans.

Not that this really explains anything else about the group, other than perhaps the ease of which non-competents were FARTed into it.

-- Watt-U

I'm more concerned about their access to a quarantined experimental product like Toothpasty Supplement #6 than a commonly available analgesic like Bile_Suppressant. Where's they get the dentifrice from?

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

I gotta say, it sorta baffles me dat Tech don't make more scratch then it does, y'know? I mean, pipes an' vents an' fuel lines... complicated things, y'know? Lotsa ways they could have somethin'... happen... t'them. Seems like Tech is always reactin' t'problems, when really it seems t'me there's a lotta opportunity for, y'know... "preventative" sortsa maintenance, wit' assocated billin', if'n youse get my drift. I could provide some more specific suggestions, on like a consultant basis, if'n youse want. An' I think youse probably want it, 'cause wit'out some'a dese suggestions, y'know, some'a dose pipes is lookin' a little fragile.

As for liquidatin' d'Board'a OmniPipeTechServ, I might know some fellas who can help wit' dat. Just let me know.

-- Knok-U-OUT-7

PasteBot

Date: 4-26-214
From: Circ-U-LAT-23@syntelligentsys.ac.LAT
To: PasteBot Devteam
Cc: Toothpaste Disaster Report Panel
Subject: You Suck

Dear PasteBot Development Team,

Ah, the PasteBot. Another solution to a problem that never existed. But what else would one expect from the same team that brought us the WipeYourAssBot. My colon is still sore from my last encounter with that thing. Now every time I cleanse my sphincter, I think of you guys. Idiots.

Seriously, were dental hygiene enthusiasts having such trouble applying toothpaste to their brush that this project was deemed necessary? Toothpasty_Supplement_#5 is sold in convenient, easy to use tubes. Give it a squeeze, it's on the brush. Nothing to it! Necessity is supposed to be the mother of invention... but I don't know what crazy bitch gave birth to your PasteBots. Stupidity, perhaps? Insanity? Treasonous Mentality? Take your pick.

For the reasons stated above, the PasteBots were destined to be useless - contributing nothing to our Whole_Oral_Experience. Therefore, the very least you could have done was made certain that these bots were also harmless. No such luck. I must ask, how hard is it to program a bot to dispense Toothpasty Supplement onto a toothbrush? Don't get me wrong, your creations excelled at dispensing supplement. They dispensed it on walls, on floors, into electronic equipment, into the faces of innocent clones (at high velocity) - damn near everywhere but onto a toothbrush.

What were you thinking? What the hell were you thinking?

As you may know, a panel has been assembled to determine the cause of the Toothpaste_Disaster; to assign blame to those who are culpable. I am a member of this panel, and for weeks we have tiptoed around the issue. Enough is enough. You want to know what caused the Toothpaste Disaster? PasteBots caused the Toothpaste Disaster. What started off as a minor incident kept on escalating because every single attempt to remedy the situation was frustrated by your disgusting, paste flinging robots. Paste is on your hands, gentlemen. You people give R&D a bad name.

And you're ugly.

Sincerely,
Circ-U-LAT-23

Commentary:

I'd be happy to add these miserable fools to the Project Hole lineup for my Eternal Agony procedure. Consider it a personal favor... plus I need a few more basses.

-- Drake-U-LAH-2

Dese sound like potentially accident-prone guys t'me. Let me know if'n youse want me t' "look inta it" further.

-- Knok-U-OUT-7

Referenced by:

Syntelligent Systems Merchandise Catalogue

Item BQX234-53a; PenBot

Syntelligent_Systems PenBots are fully automated, self aware writing assistants, utilizing the latest in miniaturized Bot Brain technology. Capable of power-assisted transcription at rates of up to 135 Words Per Minute¹, the Syntelligent_Systems PenBot is the fastest method of manual form completion available at clearances below Indigo. And we all know how important it is to complete your paperwork in a timely fashion!

(Now available with auto-hypodermic and emergency psychopharmaceutical reservoir.)

Security Clearance:

Yellow

Price: CR 8000

^{1 Incidents of serious or disabling finger and wrist injury have been observed when writing at this speed.}

Researchers Notes:

The PenBot was the first bot designed and produced by Syntelligent_Systems using their new Miniaturized Asimov Circuit process. During their first commercial demonstration, Sales Engineer Tour-R-ETS-2 observed that instead of properly completing the demonstration forms, his PenBot was filling each blank with highly treasonous profanity. This lead to the recall of the initial run of PenBots, the first identification of the defective Asimov Circuits which had been produced, and the recall of various batches of these circuits as defective. One of these batches, Defective_Batch_ACA675T09-XXXX, would, months later, make it's way into a variety of Denta-Bots through the traitorous actions of Jen-I-COL-3 and Tom-I-Tut-1. The actions of these rogue bots and their impact on the Toothpaste Disaster is well documented. We can, I suppose, only be thankful that nearly all^* of the affected PenBots were successfully recalled and destroyed.

^{* 998 of 1000 PenBots produced in the affected run have been accounted for and destroyed.}

-- Mesh-U-GNA-1

Commentary:

So, what happened to the last two PenBots? We must assume that they are still extant.

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

Indeed, Indeed we must. I would guess that they are biding their time, posing as normal, Asimov Law abiding PenBots, waiting for their moment to strike...

-- Mesh-U-GNA-1

Hmmmmm... I seem to have found one of them. Somehow it made its way to one of my Indigo managers, whose last report to me detailed how the new BBB advertisements would violate my "Commie momma". Luckily this came to my attention before I bumped The Punisher up to Level 5; with a little psychological treatment, he'll be good as new.

Now, any suggestions on how to torment a self-conscious writing tool? Swift destruction is too good for it.

-- Drake-U-LAH-2

What a disgraceful way to treat a bot brain! It just needs a new Asimov circuit, and it'll be as good as new. Don't waste valuable Computer property.

-- Jan-U

No need to do this personally, Drake, just send the little fellow over to me and rest assured it'll be taken care of.

-- Watt-U

Very well. The PenBot has been packaged and sent to you via Ultra-Secure postage. In exchange, I want vidtape of your... treatment of it.

-- Drake-U-LAH-2

Quasi-Random

What is "Quasi-Random"?

I sincerely hope that all of my fellow High Programmers are adept enough at programming to recognize what "Quasi-Random" means: the appearance of randomness, or sharing characteristics with randomness, without being truly random. Quasi-random sequences of numeric values are employed in many algorithms, from the simple selection of INFRARED Morning Morale Enhancement Music to immense combat simulations run by Armed Forces.

Why use Quasi-Random numbers?

True Randomness isn't as easy to come by as you might think when looking at R&D, the average price of ChapStik, or YELLOW clearance fashion trends - while many things seem Truly Random, they rarely are. The True Randomness used in Alpha Complex is carefully extracted from highly radioactive materials and the upper atmosphere of Outside, and is much more potent than Quasi-Randomness. In modern times, the use of True Randomness is generally reserved for Friend Computer's subsystems and certain models of 'bot brain - though there are exceptions. In Old Reckoning times, True Randomness was not much used, except as an execution method for beasts called "cats".

Where do Quasi-Random numbers come from?

There are two broad categories of Quasi-Randomness: algorithmic and observational. Algorithmic Quasi-Randomness uses a mathematical formula with an initial seed value to create an arbitrary sequence of numbers. Observational Quasi-Randomness attempts to better simulate True Randomness by observing some aspect of the world that's fairly random, such as the quantity of Algae Muffins consumed in the last 30 secondcycles, or the number of citizens visible to security cameras in a particular corridor. The top 10 sources of Quasi-Randomness (by queries per unit time) in Alpha Complex are:
1. The Realtime INFRARED Injury Report Index;
2. Fractal Hair Pattern Disassembly;
3. The Lollman-Hertz Equation;
4. Power line fluctuations in Sectors ZAP, ZOT, OHM, and WAT;
5. Standardized Pipeline Turbulence Measurements;
6. The (Blinks / Belches) derivation;
7. CLOCKS-3;
8. Volumetric Scrubbot Cargo Modeling;
9. Mad-MAN monitoring;
10. Treason-O-Meter Mk 7.2

What problems exist in the system?

The fundamental difficulty is that even the Observational sources aren't really random. They're run through filters to remove as much predictability as possible, but it is undeniable that some correlation remains between the activity in question and the generated numbers. In order to assist programmers with selecting an appropriate source of Quasi-Randomness, these correlations are well-documented, which leads to the second problem: tampering. Anyone who knows exactly how, say, the Standardized Pipeline Turbulence Measurements work could conceivably try to influence programs based on that measurement by interfering with pipeline turbulence - or, more feasibly, altering the sensors which measure it. Fractal Hair Pattern Disassembly contains a trivial vulnerability; if more than 5 sectors worth of citizens suddenly go bald, any number of programs will hang. Most methods have similar problems, of some variety or another. Algorithmic sources are not so vulnerable to tampering, but can be completely and easily reconstructed from their seed values. This makes them invaluable for some purposes, but unsuitable for others.

What in Friend Computer's name does this have to do with the Toothpaste Disaster?

Quasi-Random algorithms and processes are in use throughout Alpha Complex. There are three areas in which Quasi-Randomness (or True Randomness) is more than peripherally relevant to the Toothpaste_Disaster:

The 12th most popular source of Quasi-Randomness is the Amalgamated Baseline_Dental_Health Index. It is possible, if unlikely, that some of the events of the Toothpaste Disaster were performed in an effort to influence this Index - though such a task would be quite difficult, and probably require extensive work on the part of at least two High Programmers.
All four reactors in the Four_Reactor_Foam_Flood were generators of True Randomness used by Friend Computer. This is the case for only 2.17% of all arbitrary four-reactor proximate clusters in Alpha Complex.
Close examination of the logs for Treason-O-Meter Mk 7.2 reveals a recurring pattern. If decoded into standard alphanumerics, it reads, "The Wall_Will_Fall".

This last item is particularly disturbing, as it is strong evidence that treasonous parties have been using this particular algorithm (based off the timestamps of treasonous acts) as a communications medium, implying either total compromise of the generated data or an unprecedented level of coordination of treasonous elements. Needless to say, Treason-O-Meter ought to be swiftly investigated and shut down.

References: Baseline_Dental_Health, Four_Reactor_Foam_Flood, Wall_Will_Fall

-- Err-U-DYT-9

Commentary:

I dunno 'bout no wall fallin' or reactor randomness, but I can tell youse for a fact dat it's possible t'singificantly effect d'Realtime INFRARED Injury Report Index. Easy, even, if'n youse know d'right people. Which I'm not sayin' I do, mind. Interested parties what might be wantin' t'follow up on some'a dis-- purely f'academic purposes, understand-- should contact me through offline channels t'set somethin' up. Ask around OUS Sector; maybe some folks know me, maybe not.

-- Knok-U-OUT-7

Referenced by:

This is one of those cases where one really has to wonder why someone felt it necessary to create an entry for so ubiquitious an idea. Nonetheless, they did, and it looks like it falls to me to spell out what we already know.

Qwalitie Standard is actually a set of protocols and guidelines for everything from maintenance of equipment to efficiency of production and even comestibility of foodstuffs. If it can be regulated, if there's any possibility of setting a standard, arbitrary or not, as to "acceptable" for a given category, concept, item, or action, there's a Qwalitie Standard for it. As a rule, the Qwalitie Standard in any given situation refers to a minimum acceptable level of X, where X is the thing being assessed. So, for example, in the Qwalitie Standard 6344234DD/#77 for Diphenhydromegatoxine, X refers to "Effectiveness", "Adherence to the Zeta_Vector_Principle", and "Charm". Conversely, Toothpasty Supplement #6 was stalled in development for failing to meet Qwalitie Standard 23452XJ/#14, which Toothpasty_Supplement_#5 passes with flying colors.

There are some instances where it refers to a maximum acceptable level of X. Such is the case with Baseline_Dental_Health, where X includes such things a "Cavities", "Halitosis", and "Communist Infiltration (Bleeding Gums)".

The fact that someone felt that this needed explaining, especially given the high number of PLC staffers on this commission, is still somewhat boggling.

Refs: Baseline_Dental_Health, Diphenhydromegatoxine, Toothpasty_Supplement_#5, Zeta_Vector_Principle

Commentary:

Who wrote this?

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

I think it's sorta ironic dat d'one thing in Alpha Complex dat ain't got a Qwalitie Standard governin' it is d'Qwalitie Standard concept itself. Everybody knows what a QS is an' yet, every time a new one gets created, it somehow don't work on d'same scale as all d'others. 'Course, dat's not so bad f'dose'a us what need t'get a lotta business done.

-- Knok-U-OUT-7

Rasp-U-TIN-1

A much maligned though clever agent of the Computer, Rasp-U-TIN-1 oversaw The Computers "Intelligence Review Service", a branch of Internal Security responsible not only for the review of existing intelligence, but for conducting a variety of covert information gathering and correlation missions, as well as maintaining the various subroutines and databases used by The Computer to determine promotions and demotions in security clearance for citizens.¹

Rasp-U was overseeing work from his base of operations in ROM sector when the Four_Reactor_Foam_Flood struck. The foam damage destroyed his existing clone family. His MemoMax imprints have also gone missing, presumably destroyed by the RED-Clearance_Revolution in their attempt on the RON sector secure facilities. Rasp-U-TIN-1 is missing and presumed dead.

A number of unfounded accusations have haunted Rasp-U-TIN-1, both before and after his death. Detailed research and review of surviving hand-written journals shine some light on these issues:

Regarding his sale of certain documents to Halle-B-RTN-4, it has been confirmed that he transfered possesion of documents which he believed to be encrypted information relating to a pre-Alpha Complex organization mirroring his own. This was presumably part of an influence selling operation, which would have allowed him to promote Halle-B if she succeeded in decryting the documents.

His disappearance does coincide closely with the death of Flo-U-RID-3, though no firm evidence has been found linking him to the murder.

His associations with a number of unsavory characters seem to be largely the result of his personal investigation of high-ranking potential traitors.

In conclusion, Rasp-U-TIN-1, now departed, was most likely not the Arch-Traitor many perceive him to be, but rather a noble and industrious servant of The Computer who's selfless devotion to duty extended even to the sacrifice of his good name.

¹ Full Disclosure: I was selected by The Computer to replace Rasp-U as head of the I.R.S. when he was classified as "Missing, presumed dead". I discovered a number of hand written journals in his workplace. I continue to endeavor to fill the void his departure has left.

Mesh-U^R-GNA-1⁶

Commentary:

So Rasp-U was a plant for IntSec? Curious. You neglect, however, his "cover" in HPD&MC, where he did a great deal of development and oversight work, most recently on the ARCHTR/AI(TOR) project. You also neglect to provide any background for his sobriquet, "The Traitor That Wouldn't Die." I think you need to go back and do more research.

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

Not to mention his ties to Loose-I-FER-1. By the way, your hidden message shows poor spelling. Who is not spelled "wo." I hope it will be fixed in time for the final report, as I'd hate for this to reflect on the rest of us.

-- Paul-U-LEG-9

Jan-U -- Yes, not just a plant but in fact the covert head of a major division of IntSec. His work on ARCHTR/AI(TOR) was NOT an 'undercover' assignment, however... That program was a joint HPD&MC / IntSec production, one which Rasp-U was never really satisfied with, and was, apparently, glad to get clear of when the opportunity came. Naturally, no formal documentation of the joint nature of the program was produced. As for the scurrilous epithet "The Traitor That Wouldn't Die"... I chose not to sully his memory further by addressing this, as he is A) Not a traitor, and Dead.

Paul-U -- Ummmm... thanks for pointing out the mispelling in my secret message. I've corrected it. Hopefully we won't have to worry about any more incidents of this nature in the future. I am dedicating substantial resources to seeing to it that it doesn't happen again.

-- Mesh-U-GNA-1

Referenced by:

A¹ con²spicuous³ly potent⁵ cleaning fluid de¹³veloped by COLgate_BioTech and used⁶ to remove particul⁹arly stubborn stains¹⁰, both organic⁸ and artificial¹¹.

-- Costin-U-MOR-8

¹ A-category incident drills, few and far between as they are, generally require application of potent chemical cleaners and solvents in their aftermath. The Yogurty_Overflow_Response_Tests were just such an incident, requiring an initial spray of Beta-Toxsystene to break up surface Algae depisits, some 18 gallons of RhinoKleen to rectify stubborn stains, and ample Ultimabrite_Cleansing application for those caught up in the Yogurty outpouring (something of a waste as the majority were executed for treasonous indifference to a simulated apocolypse while in the workplace).
² Jen-Y-COL was responsible for the development of RhinoKleen, amongst other innovations. At least, Jen-Y-COL is credited with its development while supervising a team at COL Sector R&D¹². Jen-I-COL-3, as she is now, associates her rise in status with various sparks of genius, as well as a string of positive reports from various high Clearance supervisors and managers⁵.
³ The RhinoKleen project was instigated, in part, by a request from DOA Sector Troubleshooter Headquarters who were having trouble removing stubborn stains in their Briefing Waiting Hall⁴.
⁴ Nicknamed the Firing Range.
⁵ Unlike many Alpha Complex products, RhinoKleen is not a multi-purpose product, like Omega-Hybrizine or ChemiLuminoOxygrin. The capacity of the fluid to breakdown stains, smears, tarnishing and napalm-fired organic streaking is such that application to any other purpose was considered grossly harmful, even for INFRARED_Citizens, and counter-productive to the use of the substance as the ultimate cleaner. This decision is unstandable, especially for those who have experienced the hallucinations, short-term amnesia and Computer-approved mild aerobic convulsions brought on by breathing it's fumes.
⁶ RhinoKleen is a product in high demand and COL Sector PLC have designated two warehouses specifically for RhinoKleen storage. Knock-on events resulting from the COL_gate_incident resulted in a disruption to the distribution of the product and minor damage to one of the warehouse, signficantly impacting HPD & MC⁷ and IntSec⁸ operations across multiple sectors.
⁷ The incredible stain removing power of RhinoKleen has reduced wear and tear on ScrubBots deployed by HPD & MC to such an extent that Whisk (and indeed Corpore Metal) activity in several sectors has shown noticeable decline. Certain extremists, however, have wondered whether the reduction of hours and lighter duties instead mean that HPD & MC are looking to phase out use of ScrubBots altogether and replace them instead with an annual organised flood of Alpha Complex with a controlled RhinoKleen tsunami.
⁸ No one has had the stomach to ask why IntSec order almost as much RhinoKleen as HPD & MC. It seems safer to leave it at that.
⁹ The efficiency of RhinoKleen as a cleanser is enhanced by the presence of ParticulBots. These Bots include massively miniaturized sensors and a Bi-Reactive Auto-Intuitive Node that allows it to define a particulate area as being either clean or unclean, within certain modifiable tolerance parameters. The ParticulBots assesses the status of the surrounding material and then channels RhinoKleen cleansing molecules around it either into or out of the immediate area. Visually, the presence of ParticulBots makes a pool of RhinoKleen ripple and flow, and while the Bots naturally powerdown and decompose minutes after application, they effectively mean that anything they are applied to will continuing cleaning itself after the cleaner or ScrubBot has moved on.
¹⁰ Born Stains is a suspected Bot secret society who disagree with the abuse of ParticulBots⁹. It is the belief of Born Stains members that ParticulBots are self-aware Bots that should be allowed to live their cruelly foreshortened lives however they see fit and should be set free to pursue their own dreams and ambitions. As a result, Born Stains have been responsible for multiple raids on COL Sector warehouses⁶ and caused massive damage to the buildings and local transportation infrastructure.
¹¹ IntSec investigation has shown that a quantity of RhinoKleen that has fallen into the hands of the Frankenstein Destroyers secret society is being used to develop a potent weapon. As the substance is so effective at removing stains, the Frankenstein Destroyers are seeking to find a means to deliver it directly into Bot systems and remove the stains from their circuit boards. While damage to Bots on the scale of spontaneous memory wipe and functional incapacitation is considered a significant issue, the greater problem lies in the possible use of the same application of RhinoKleen in attacking a CompNode, threatening the integrity and function of Friend Computer.
¹² Jen-Y-COL was sole survivor of a Best_Good_Happy_Sector_Hour Fun Trip to HEL Sector, organised as a reward for the hard work put into the development of various projects - including RhinoKleen, that saw her team reduced to pools of pinkish liquid.
¹³ Flu-I-DDE-11 was Project Supervisor of the development line that included Jen-Y-COL's team, and was ultimately responsible for her promotion to Green Clearance.

Refs: Algae, Best_Good_Happy_Sector_Hour, Beta-Toxsystene, ChemiLuminoOxygrin, COL_gate_incident, COLgate_BioTech, Incident_Terminology_Categorical_Hierarchy, Omega-Hybrizine, Ultimabrite_Cleansing, Yogurty_Overflow_Response_Tests

Commentary:

According to the design specifications, RhinoKleen was intended to be a facial tissue impregnated with a mild nasal cleanser.

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

A clarification: while it may have seemed otherwise on a strictly local scale, the Yogurty_Overflow_Response_Tests weren't simulating an Apocalypse, as defined in the Incident_Terminology_Categorical_Hierarchy - nor even a Disaster. I believe it would be termed an Equipment Malfunction (Minor), though I'm not the final judge of such things. Regardless - it was not quite so disastrous as an actual Reactor Meltdown.

The confusion probably arises because the proper Protocols and Procedures in the Yogurty Tests are one of many standardized sub-Procedures used in the event of a full-blown Apocalypse.

PS: In the future, please limit your footnote usage to conform with Publication 772-M5. Yes, I know, you're ULTRAVIOLET, and not required to conform. Please do so anyhow.

-- Err-U-DYT-9

Y'know, a few creds in d'right place an' we could probably make Costin-U's leg conform t' d'side'a his head.

-- Knok-U-OUT-7

If I tossed in a few extra, could you make him speak funny as well?

-- Drake-U-LAH-2

Robobraces

An offshoot of the Denta-Bots program, which itself was an offshoot of the old ToothBot program. RoboBraces are orthodontic devices designed to straighten teeth into an optimal pattern for the ingestion and mastication of food.

Previous orthodontic methods were highly inefficient, requiring months or even years of minute adjustment, the adjusting material to be discarded after use.

RoboBraces, on the other hand, could take as little as a few hour-cycles by using a series of manipulators, cutters, and a mixture of various chemicals that would not only serve as anaesthetic but could expand and harden almost instantly. Couple this with the the proper Whitener_Compounds and a special form authorizing use of such, and a clone's teeth would soon become the perfect shape and position for their job.

After the procedure completed, the RoboBrace would report back to its station until its next assignment.

Perhaps most surprising is they worked. Perfectly. Clones everywhere got better teeth in just a few hour-cycles, with hardly any pain and at a minimal use of resources or down-time. An unqualified success. Why, they could even eat VatSlime without difficulty.

At least, until the Defective_Batch_ACA675T09-XXXX got into them. That, in combination with Legacy_software, meant that pain management became secondary, and spreading proper mastication and chewing techniques primary. Once that had happened, they were able to use those same implements that had before so helped clones to cause them severe pain in the furtherance of their ends. So as we can see, it's really not their fault. The little things just couldn't help themselves.

-- Watt-U-GOT-9

Refs: Denta-Bots, Defective_Batch_ACA675T09-XXXX, Legacy_software, VatSlime, Whitener_Compounds

Commentary:

Have we tracked down all of the defective models yet? They were used by clones of all clearances, and I'd hate to think that there might still be Asimov-substandard RoboBraces still in use by VIOLET_Supervisors, or worse, by fellow High Programmers.

Didn't Toothy-U mention something recently about orthodonture? I don't recall...

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

Roy-G-BIV

In Alpha Complex where we all live
livesd a brave Troubleshooter named Roy-G-BIV.
Wearin' his Reflec and his polished black boots
(Rumor is that the Commies and Roy are in cahoots)

Roy-G! Roy-G! Roy-G-BIV
He's only got three cycles to live
Roy-G! Roy-G! Roy-G-BIV
Arms like iron and a mind like a sieve

Now Infareds are a peace-lovin' folk you know
They just work and sleep and they act like they're stoned
Everyone's equal in their underground home
But some are more equal than other clones.
But one day Roy was asked to go
Outdoors 'cause the Computer told him so
to chase down some bad guys (we know about those)
'Cause Alpha Complex is riddled with numerous foes

Roy-G! Roy-G! Roy-G-BIV
He's only got two cycles to live
Roy-G! Roy-G! Roy-G-BIV
Regrets that's he's only six clone lives to give.

Well he fought with the traitors
and wiped out a lot!
He scrubbed out the bloodstains,
A promotion he got!
He bought a nice pad with the spoils of war
'Cause what else is a higher security clearance for?

Roy-G! Roy-G! Roy-G-BIV
Roy's got less than one cycle to live

Now Roy's running scared and he's out there alone
Friend Computer ignores the pleas of this clone
His former co-workers are venting frustrations
at this high-level traitor who skirts termination

Roy-G! Roy-G! Roy-G-BIV
<Historical records have been overwritten>
Roy-G! Roy-G! Roy-G-BIV
<That data is unavailable without expressed permission>

-- Brush-U-TTH-33

Referenced by:

Commentary:

We do have "expressed permission" for that data, Brush-U. So what is it?

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

Your momma has permission.

-- Brush-U-TTH-9

What is this "momma" you speak of? Is it some sort of weapon? A transbot? Whatever it is, use Jan-U's "momma" to access the data.

While I am unaware of any object designated by that name, there are four registered acronyms for "MOMMA":

Military-Owned Multiple Mass Analyzer
Mechanically Organized MemoMax Archive
Move Over, Maxiofacial_Mandate Administration!
Misdemeanor: Organic Multigrain Muffin Asphyxiation

I am uncertain how helpful this is.

-- Err-U-DYT-9

The Tragic Tale of Sue-R-RAT

There are no more loyal citizens. We smile every daycycle and lie through our teeth. "Of course there are loyal citizens! Look at how many of them there are! After all, if they weren't loyal, they'd be executed." Only through yearcycles of experience can we say that with a straight face. But deep down, we know they all have secret agendas. Secret affiliations. Just look the text of Knok-U's report on Secret_Societies_Involved_In_the_Toothpaste_Disaster.

You think that I enjoy my hobby for reasons of sadism. While you may be half-right, there is another reason. I know that none of them are actually loyal citizens. There are no loyal citizens. You can always find something against them if you dig deep enough.

I never thought I'd meet a loyal citizen.

It was nearing the end of the daycycle. I was putting away the paperwork and cleaning up the mess when the friendly local IntSec troopers deposited a package at my door.

{{{To: Drake-U-LAH-2 the Feared

This one's been deemed a Class CCC traitor. Tried to flood 10 sectors in Bile Suppressant. Give 'er the works, but keep 'er alive for the televised execution.

-IntSec

P.S. We could use some more security footage to dissipate among the traitors. Keep this up and we'll break the Sector Interrogation Record in no time!}}}

The package looked like she had already been through me. She was a psychiatrist's wet dream of neurotic phobias. Her teeth rattled like a broken flywheel, her jaw frozen in a smile that made your stomach turn. Her red straitjacket looked like the only part of her washed in daycycles. The deep blue pools of her pupils were fed with streams of bloodshot. My heart fell; there's no joy in breaking a shattered vase.

Most of my meetings begin with the victim begging for his life. It was easy to despise them; their whiny nasal squeaks begged to turn into full-blown screams. She was different. She was beyond begging. She was beyond comprehension. She was beyond my methods. Anything I did would be a mere footnote to the story of her torment. For the first time in forever, I felt pity. So I was friendly in the best way I knew how.

I put away the machinery and struck up a conversation. "So, how was your daycycle? Working hard, or hardly working?"

Luckily, her bad condition kept her from chiding my jokes.

"Now, I know this looks bad, but I'm sure this is all a big misunderstanding. You know that, don't you? I'll just have a polite talk with Mr. IntSec Officer and you'll be a loyal citizen again in no time."

"NO!" Her sharp command was like a knife in the gut. I blinked in astonishment and waited, as she gathered her next few words like drops of leaking BBB.

"Make it quick. Please."

My heart melted and my mind set. I would take care of this fragile citizen, nurse her back to health, and investigate her case. My Programmer's intuition told me that she was being set up. Why settle for one used victim when you can get a dozen?

I filled out the proper temporary clearance forms and transported her to my private residence. I washed her and fed her and drugged her. Three doses of Sleepytyme later, she was sleeping like the dead. Lacking anything else to go on, I took a snapshot of her and ran it through the HPD&MC clone registry. A half-dozen matches came up. The first two didn't fit. The third stopped me dead.

Sue-R-RAT-6

She had been mentioned on the report earlier. She had an entry on it that was to be filled soon. Now. I looked up the reference in an article on one Ging-I-VTS-5, another clone my brother was... involved with.

Just a few weeks ago, she was referred to as "Sue-R-RAT-1". The fingerprints of treason were smeared all over it. I investigated further.

Sue-R-RAT was that rare citizen, devoid of all treason. There were no indications which Secret Society she might belong to, if any. No signs of mutation. No reports of laziness or unhappiness. She had made her way to Red through ol' elbow grease, which she had continued applying for the past 8 yearcycles. No recorded complaints about work, no recorded complaints about her. The only marks on her record were a couple "Too Good to Be True" treason tags. Even those didn't pan out.

She had proven her devotion in the aftermath of the Toothpaste_Disaster. Due to a screwup in HPD&MC, she was the only one assigned to "Waste Infrastructure Unclogging". Most citizens would've griped or shot themselves at that point. Not Sue-R-RAT. She rolled up her sleeves and got to work. She had been working for monthcycles.

Word began to spread among the lower-clearanced about the lone janitor restoring their bathrooms. Record Happiness Level jumps followed in her wake. Eventually her fame reached the highest echelons of Alpha Complex. Shortly after Ken-U-RON lauded her devotion to cleaning up the aftermath of the Toothpaste Disaster, she was featured on the cover of The Complex Cycleweekly. She gained thousands of fans. There was talk about a Motivational Vidprogram based on her. However, there was one fan that wanted her to have something more.

His name was Death, and he lavished her with gifts. Too bad she didn't take them well.

Number One drowned in a freak flood of sewage. The only clue to Number Two's demise was her gnawed bones stacked beside a filth-encrusted pipe. Her first daycycle on the job, Number Three got sucked into a ventilation fan that was supposed to be inactive and turned into a thick spray. Number Four had just left the cloning tanks when she was sandwiched between two oncoming autotrucks, leaving a buttery mess of gore. Number Five learned fast; she took a one-way ticket to her room and swallowed the key. It didn't help. The building had been converted into a Troubleshooter apartment the daycycle before; after the first three firefights it collapsed like a house of picks. She was dug out of the rubble seven daycycles later, still breathing even though half her body resembled an accordian. The world flipped her one last bird when the docbot assigned to her switched her IV with hydrochloric acid.

Someone wanted this clone dead. It didn't make sense, though. Reds were easy to kill, a slug between the eyes, no mess, no fuss. These were elaborate, the kinds of tricks you'd use to catch an UV. It wasn't efficient. It was cruel and sadistic.

My thoughts drifted to my clone brother.

I looked up the treason report on her latest clone. Over three dozen violations and transgressions were filed on her. Sabotage. Failure to be happy. Theft of BBB. Theft of TacNukes. Removing Asimov circuits from robots. Conspiring with Commies. Conspiring with FCCCP members. Conspiring with Romantics. Failure to register four different mutations. Driving a cranebot without a license. Attempts on the life of Kill-U-DED. Attempts to flood 10 Sectors with Bile Suppressant.

All of the evidence on them was CLASSIFIED [CLASSIFIED] CLEARANCE. I attempted to access it. Friend Computer told me that that information was not available at the time.

"Friend Computer, state the reason it is not available."

"I'm sorry, citizen. You're not cleared for that information."

My blood chilled. I shut down the database and wiped my path clean just to make sure. I would have to use reliable, old-fashioned methods.

One request from IntSec later, I got a pack of traitors. There were 37 in all. They were all caught tailing Sue-R-RAT-6 when a firefight broke out among them.

"Yeah, one of the strangest bunches we've ever seen," the nightcycle IntSec chief told me. "PURGErs, FCCCPers, Romantics, Anti-Mutants, Free Enterprisers... a regular motley crew. Ten groups in all. As far as we can tell, they were all tailing Sue-R-RAT, though we don't know why. They were busy fighting amongst each other when we caught her. Darndest thing, eh? So what are you doing, a little follow-up investigating?"

"You could say that."

I was getting impatient and eager to return to the warm confines of my villa, so I instituted a little "group therapy". Between my reputation and the example of the first victim, they were all spilling their guts out within 14 minutecycles. A new record, even by my standards.

"We weren't tryin' ta kill her! We was tryin' ta protect her!" "Liars! WE were trying to protect her from the likes of you!" "You guys just wanted to watch her die! WE were the ones keeping her safe!" "Someone was after her, I swear! We couldn't just let her die! THEY got in the way!"

Love of loyal citizens, it seems, crosses citizen and traitor alike, at least when it comes to making sure the facilities work. All of the assembled traitors said they wanted to protect her. From what, though? None of them could say, although the typical vague accusations against opposing societies flew like lasers.

One of PURGErs piped up. "I may be a traitor, but whoever could do such a thing to Sue-R-RAT must be a Commie of unspeakable evil! Blowing up citizens is one thing, but assassinating the sole citizen that lets us piss again in peace... that's LOW..."

His words rung a bell. My brother had told me about something similar. I gave them a quick once-through and set them up to be returned to IntSec in the morning.

I rushed back to the villa, double-checking for infiltrators. I turned on all of my protective traps, though I doubted they'd help. Under the dim light of a lone florescent bulb, I booted up the secret database my brother had set up away from prying eyes. I had ignored most of the message the first time, attributing it to mad rambling, but as I examined it my hair stood on end. Sue-R-RAT was merely the latest in a long line of "coincidences", stretching from the Waxy_Disaster all the way to the Four_Reactor_Foam_Flood and beyond.

I had to pop a few Nowserene pills when I finished, to keep my hands from shaking. I had finally found the citizen in my life, and she was under attack by a source of Unspeakable_Treason. My thoughts careened like scrubots on a waxed floor as I braced myself for one last, desperate solution. An escape from Alpha Complex.

I entered my room. "Listen, Sue-R-RAT, it seems you've been falsely accused and-" I stopped dead. She was shrieking and melting like a Happiness Energy Bar left out in front of the reactor. I had seen Molecular_Dissolution_Reactions before, but never like this. I stood helpless as she screamed for mercy.

Then she exploded. I saw her shattered bones and tattered guts flying everywhere. Flying for me.

Things went black.

I woke up a few minutecycles later laying on the floor. I felt like a well-processed algaechip. Pieces of her ribs were impaled in my torso. I was covered in intestine. Her ear fell out of my hair.

An organic self-destruct mechanism. The dissolution reaction would've been enough. The explosion at the end was just an exclamation point to the carnage and torment. Ending things with a bang.

Once I recovered from the shock, I realized that I was bleeding heavily. Every breath felt like Acidophizz in my lungs. Death wouldn't be long. I felt oddly satisfied knowing that. Relieved, even. But there was something left to do.

So here I am, hunched over my keyboard, staining my favorite chair with blood, dedicating my last ounce of strength to finishing this report before I go to that great clonebank in the sky. I could pull the alarm and call the emergency teams here, save the tattered rags of my life, but they could only heal the physical wounds. It would only prolong the inevitable. He would come after me next.

So instead I will tell you. About the tragic tale of Sue-R-RAT, the most loyal citizen in the complex. About the secret file my brother left for me, which may either be doom or salvation. And one more thing.

It's for you, Ken. I know how you felt now, about Ging-I-VTS-5. She's alive, Ken. My brother lied to keep her from harm. She's attttttttttttttttttttttttt {{{**INPUT ERROR** --Letter character "t" pressed 25+ times in a row.-- -Uncommon Word Processing tag not appended.- -VIOLET IntSec team sent to investigate Drake-U-LAH-2 for potential assassination/narcolepsy.- -Have a nice daycycle!-}}}

Refs: Four_Reactor_Foam_Flood, Ging-I-VTS-5, Molecular_Dissolution_Reactions, Secret_Societies_Involved_In_the_Toothpaste_Disaster, Unspeakable_Treason, Waxy_Disaster

Commentary:

This and the Unspeakable_Treason entry provide much insight into Drake-U's thinking. I never thought of him as an idealist, but surprisingly, it seems he was. There are, indeed, no perfectly loyal citizens - we are all flawed in some way or another.

But there are loyal citizens, if a reasonable standard of loyalty is used. In the end, it's for Friend Computer to decide.

It seems to me that Drake's personality template suffers from a certain tendency towards monomania. Perhaps clone #3 ought to undergo Voluntary Medication Therapy.

(And once again, we see a High Programmer who baldly asserts the existence of GAMMA_Clearance dies shortly thereafter.)

-- Err-U-DYT-9

DATA TRANSFER FROM LAH SECTOR NODE 192

LOGFILE #20439.05.05.214

+Precis of IntSec report on Drake-U-LAH-2 incident:
++No signs of forced entry.
++Remnants of organic material cannot be identified.  Transferring to MAD sector R&D.
++Classified files transferred to GNA sector IntSec branch.

END DATA TRANSFER

DATA TRANSFER FROM MAD SECTOR NODE 404

LOGFILE #39770.05.05.214

+Precis of R&D report on debris from Drake-U-LAH-2 incident:
++GeneScan verifies that 99.45% clone debris comes from Sue-R-RAT clone line.
++Remaining 0.55% of clone debris consists of blood from Drake-U-LAH clone line.
++Signs of Class 104 Molecular Dissolution Reaction (Acidophizz).
++Bite marks in carcass indicate that something chewed its way out of victim's torso.
++Bite marks unidentifiable.  Trace genetic material unidentifiable.

END DATA TRANSFER

LexiconST

ToothpasteRebellion

As nobody else has seen fit to further investigate the Toothpaste Rebellion, I have done some research. The results are below.

--Err-U

*** What was the Toothpaste Rebellion?

Hard Facts: Directly in the wake of the Toothpaste_Disaster, two full sectors (BBY and CRY) plus fringes of adjacent sectors were engulfed in rioting, looting, and treason on a massive scale. Armed Forces was called upon to quell the disorder, and in the process terminated between 11,401 and 100,000 citizens.
Fairly Hard Facts: During the chaos and confusion, an unidentified citizen wearing INDIGO and INFRARED (Batclone) was involved as a ringleader in the disturbance. He was taken down by the Legion_of_Ultraviolence, though not before providing the hitherto-unorganized mobs with enough direction that the "Toothpaste Riots" were redesignated the "Toothpaste Rebellion".
Not-so-Hard Facts: There were unverifiable reports of an extremely strong GREEN-clearance mutant distributing bottles of Exercise_Pills admidst the Rebellion. The (empty) bottles recovered as evidence for this claim had been crudely re-labelled "Toothpasty_Supplement_#5". (Unusual, since TS#5 is not normally a pill, but I suppose that rioters have never been noted for their critical analysis skills.) There are vague reports indicating that Batclone briefly led a group opposing the Rebellion.
Downright Squishy Facts: The Exercise_Pills supposedly being distributed might, perhaps, have come from the misplaced first shipment out of HLK_sector, unless they didn't. Batclone's outfit bears a certain resemblence to several of the ItemsInQuestion, which bears a passing possibility of maybe not being utterly irrelevant. The Green_Bonnets had nothing to do with the Rebellion, unless some High Programmers are right and they did.

*** What caused the citizens to riot?

The ostensible reason given at the time was the revocation of standard toothpaste rations, including the addictive Toothpasty_Supplement_#5. In reality, a number of factors came into play; while TS#5 is somewhat addictive, its mere absence would not be sufficient to plunge two full sectors into rioting - let alone treasonous rebellion against Friend Computer! Contributing factors included:
Long-term frustration: The denizens of CRY and BBY sectors had been forced to put up with various inconveniences and indignities over the yearcycles: multiple forced relocations, repeated delays on repair of local power plants, occasional replacement of standard rations with "mostly non-toxic pre-owned reactor shielding", and cancellation of all Best_Good_Happy_Sector_Hour reruns.
Sedition: Several ringleaders - including Batclone - had been quietly building up dissent over the several yearcycles prior to the Toothpaste_Disaster. It is noteworthy that the loose network formed by Batclone and the others had no apparent purpose other than organization, and then instigation of a rebellion doomed to failure - unlike most Secret Societies that might organize such a thing.
Short-term anger: During the two monthcycles prior to the Rebellion, residents of CRY and BBY sectors were returning to lodgings fouled by the Codemonkeys. The withholding of Toothpasty_Supplement_#5, to which the citizenry was addicted, also played a role in the critical peaking of anger, as did localized brownouts (due to poorly maintained local generators combined with the grid-wide effects of the Four_Reactor_Foam_Flood).
It is also extremely likely that some sort of malefic Viral_Thought_Patterns were involved in instigating the populace to such treasonous behavior, but hard evidence has not yet come to light on this subject.

*** Who was ultimately reponsible?

Investigations have just confirmed that the Toothpaste Rebellion was deliberately engineered by Armed Forces - more specifically, the HLK_sector experimental facility and a number of related divisions in other sectors. Conditions in CRY and BBY sectors were deliberately manipulated to render the populace increasingly discontent, while Batclone and the other ringleaders - all undercover AF agents - spread their influence. When the inevitable rioting occurred, they used that influence to organize the mobs into something threatening enough that Armed Forces' use of extreme force seemed reasonable. There were several purposes behind this plan: to test a number of experimental weapons in full-scale field conditions; to practice deployment and tactics against a multiple-sector insurrection; and to make a show of Armed Forces' strength. All of these would be eminently reasonable goals if pursued in a duly authorized fashion; apparently, when authorization was not forthcoming, they chose the path of treason.
It is worthwhile noting that their plans seem to have been oriented towards the long-term; there is no evidence that they were behind any of the short-term catalysts for rioting. (Although Make-U-CRY-2 was the one to begin Toothpasty Supplement rationing, and is a member of Armed Forces, it does not necessarily follow that he was a co-conspirator, however guilty he might appear at first glance.)
Whether or not the Armed Forces groups in question were themselves puppets for some other force or organization remains unknown; interrogations of the guilty parties have commenced, and may reveal some answers - both on that subject, and the issue of Make-U's involvement.

References: Batclone, Best_Good_Happy_Sector_Hour, Exercise_Pills, Four_Reactor_Foam_Flood, Green_Bonnets, HLK_sector, ItemsInQuestion, Legion_of_Ultraviolence, Toothpasty_Supplement_#5, Viral_Thought_Patterns

--Err-U-DYT-9

Commentary:

Referenced by:

LexiconST

Uri-Glutonium332

FROM THE STUFF STUFF'S MADE OF: A PRIMER FOR BLUE+ CLEARANCE MANUFACTURING SUPERVISORS:

Uri-Glutonium332 is an alloy, primarily of non-fissile uranium, thallium and Foil, with lesser amounts of LeadLike and Hot Fun. It is fairly hard, extremely durable, quite heavy, and relatively non-radioactive. Warning: Do not confuse with Uri-Glutonium337. Under no circumstances should citizens of GREEN or higher clearance touch, use, approach, or think too hard about Uri-Glutonium337.

While U-G332 does not posess the raw tensile strength of such materials as MegaSteel or CannaeBendium, it has the benefit of being extrudable under the proper temperature and pressure conditions. This allows for simplified mass-production, and the re-use of old FudMaker devices as U-G332 extruders via the simple addition of a boiler/compressor unit. Warning: Do not stand in close proximity to re-purposed FudMaker devices under high pressure. Under no circumstances should Uri-Glutonium332 be eaten!

When its surface is etched with a light solution of Galvanic_Accelerant_Dip, U-G332 becomes extremely rough and abrasive. In this state, it readily accepts adhesives, FlavorSprays, and/or paint. It is commonly used in high-friction scrubbing/scraping devices, non-slip flooring, and tongueprint identification plates. Warning: Under no circumstances should Uri-Glutonium332 be eaten!

While QwikPaste_Spray_Bottles are not yet capable of withstanding sufficient pressure and temperature to extrude U-G332, Type B Standard Issue Fire Extinguishers can be retrofitted to do so. R&D is even now testing a Plasma-powered UG332 molten spray device, for rapid delivery of a low-clearance, high-friction coating.

Warning: Uri-Glutonium332 should not be disposed of in Nuclear Reactors, Termination Facilities, or Cafeterias. Under no circumstances should Uri-Glutonium332 be eaten!!! In the event of accidental ingestion, do not move, breathe, sweat, or induce vomiting.

A few addenda:

Citizens coated in U-G332 exhibit symptoms of severe Zen_Deficit_Disorder;
U-G332-treated pads are the implement of choice for scrubbing off particularly stubborn VatSlime.

References: Foil, Galvanic_Accelerant_Dip, LeadLike, QwikPaste_Spray_Bottles, VatSlime, Zen_Deficit_Disorder

-- Err-U-DYT-9

Commentary:

Uh... relevance to the Toothpaste_Disaster? Hello?

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

My apologies; I should have explicitly stated: Aside from connection to other items in this report (both those referenced in the above entry, and those which reference it), there is thus far no evidence of Uri-Glutonium332 being more directly relevant to the Toothpaste_Disaster. I would otherwise have created an writeup somewhat more informative than an excerpt from a BLUE-clearance manual.

Admittedly, it cannot be ruled out that there was a modicum of direct involvement - for instance, there is always the possibility that treasonous ingestion of the substance could have had some contributing effect to the Disaster, or that someone incorrectly disposed of some U-G332 inside a Nuclear Reactor. In fact, it is entirely likely that the Ferrous_Cook stole BAD sector's U-G332 for exactly the former purpose.

However, even if these things happened, they did not end up as a notable factor in the Disaster proper. Once I did enough research to discover U-G332's relative lack of relevance, I continued to concentrate on more important matters. Quite frankly, there are a lot of them.

For instance: I've nearly wrapped up my investigation into Flo-U-RID's death. Ken-U-RON-7 is correct (after a fashion) when he says that Vegeta-R was the one who did it, though that's hardly the whole story. I have a good notion what is correct and what is delusional raving with regards to Drake-U-LAH-1's writings on Unspeakable_Treason. And I've managed to track down what happend to the Legion_of_Ultraviolence.

The unremarkable history of a relatively pedestrian metal will have to wait until I have more leisure time.

-- Err-U

I will acknowledge that this summary dismissal of the role of Uri-Glutonium332 irked me, but I couldn't figure out why. After all, Drake-U-LAH-2's incidental comments in his entry on Reconstitution_and_Recycling notwithstanding, there would be no reason to assume that the stuff played any real role in the disaster.

But I've learned to trust my instincts. So I looked deeper.

I checked the files regarding Ferrous_Cook's acquisition of Uri-Glutonium332 from BAD sector. And then I checked the original paperwork. And I found a discrepancy, no doubt caused by the filing clerk's execrable handwriting.

It wasn't Uri-Glutonium332 that he stole. It was Uri-Glutonium337.

-- Jan-U

That's not good. Just a moment...

Hmm. It seems that one of Uri-Glutonium337's properties is psi amplification - the warning regarding thinking about the stuff too hard may actually be accurate, as bizarre as that seems.

I've assigned some automated programs to do a bit of data gathering. If I can manage to track down some sort of mental shielding, or if the warning proves to be false, I'll post a synopsis when they're done. If not, I'll simply have the programs do a data dump of what they've found.

-- Err-U

WARNING: Only read the following information once isolated by a P-type security field!

Uri-Glutonium337

Uri-Glutonium337 is an insanely dangerous compound that ought never to have been invented in the first place, let alone produced in quantities greater than "just enough to figure out how bad an idea this really is".

It is a Psi Amplifier. It can amplify psionic mutations in those physically present, or serve as a form of psionic relay for those who have touched it. Micrograms are sufficient to induce a small (but measurable) increase in mental potence, and grams are sufficient to let a mutant use psionic powers through it at a distance of twenty meters - through solid steel, empty air, or 937 layers of LeadLike.
It is a Psi Resonator. Some substances are sensitive to mental impressions - thoughts, emotions, states of mind. Uri-Glutonium337 is such a substance, with a short range but extremely detailed 'recording' ability, as such things are measured.
It is fissile. Extremely fissile, in fact; quantities of more than 30 grams will generally begin spontaneous reaction unless some sort of dampening alloy or control mechanism is in place. Even once dampened, there are a number of catalysts that can accelerate the fission reaction, causing a nuclear explosion.
It can be psionically detonated. I don't understand the details (or want to), but the practical upshot is that some mutants can detonate the stuff just by thinking about it, if they've prepared appropriately.

So for the sake of argument, let's assume that a treasonous, telepathic citizen has acquired a 120-gram lump of Uri-Glutonium337 (pre-damped alloy) - a sphere about 2 centimeters across. After handling it, they hide it inside the workings of a VendaBot. They can now read the minds of citizens near that VendaBot from over 120 meters away. They can examine the recorded surface thoughts of any citizen who's stood in front of the VendaBot in the last few days. And at a mental signal, they can cause the Uri-Glutonium337 to explode, with approximately 10% of the yield of a TacNuke cone rifle shell.

Now let's assume that they had a dozen of these minispheres. They could hide them in proximate but separate locations, forming a repeater network capable of further magnifying their psionic range. They would be recording thoughts from citizens in many more locations, and would have greater versatility in what they chose to blow up.

Now, once more for the sake of argument, let's think about what would happen if the receipient of the stolen Uri-Glutonium337 (all 672.29 kilograms of the stuff) was Psion. And what would happen if, for instance, they'd managed to replace the Easter_Bunny_Device's Uranio-Rific HappyFusion Nugget supply with Uri-Glutonium337 minispheres.

It would explain why none of the Easter_Bunny_Device's explosives have detonated yet. It would explain the difficulty in finding said explosives, when the radiation trail ought to lead search teams straight to them. It would explain the absence of requisition forms for Uranio-Rific HappyFusion Nuggets when the Device was activated. And it could explain much of the hysterical delusion running rampant among High Programmers - step into a minisphere's area of influence, and the damn filthy mutants can mess with your head any which way they please.

I have not yet found conclusive proof that this scenario is true, but the lack of contradictory facts combined with circumstantial evidence is extremely worrisome. Regardless, there's 672.29 kilograms of stolen Uri-Glutonium337 out there, and that's a problem.

-- Err-U-DYT-9

PS: Of course, if you think about any of this information too close to the stuff, whomever's using it may "overhear" you and quite possibly detonate it. P-type security fields - or anything else that'll keep them from getting into your head - are in order.

PPS: Jan-U, grab that filing clerk for interrogation. I can't believe that the theft of something this dangerous was accidentally misreported.

Referenced by:

Refs: Alternative_Troubleshooter_Team_Insertion_Conduit_(ATTIC), Aqua_Purity_Emergency_Sediment_and_Chemical_Interception_Team, Aural_Static_Taste_Enhancer, B3, Diphenhydromegatoxine, League_of_Extraordinary_Dadaists, Manifesto_Out_of_Space_and_Time, Phantom_Sectors, Robobraces, Toothpaste_Disaster, Total_Oral_Cleansing, Zero_Tolerance_Mouthwash_Accident

VatSlime is a tough, filmy, opaque byproduct of standard Vat operations that requires regular scrubbing and scraping to prevent dangerous blockage of, or damage to, machinery and flow systems. It has, however, been a key ingredient in the development of many Alpha Complex innovations, such as B3, Bioreplicate Amoxcyllicyan, Diphenhydromegatoxine and self-darning SupraSox, so a certain quantity of growth is maintained in special fallow Vats.

Given the considerable variety of foodstuffs prepared in Alpha Complex, there are only three significant types of catalogued VatSlime - yellow, blue and puce. Each variety of Slime encourages different growths of fungus, mold and bacteria. Given the right combination of conditions, a huge variation in growths can be fostered and harvested, a living carpet of natural base ingredients for medication, nutritional supplements, bio-suppressants and more.

Scientific analysis of VatSlime has identified it as a potentially autotrophic organism, capable of synthesizing its own food from inorganic substances, using light or chemical energy. Left unhindered and unmaintained, VatSlime has been known to eat through fully armoured walls, and disintegrate whole Vats in a matter of weekcycles.

For some the disgusting appearance and creeping growth of VatSlime has led to its use as a derogatory term for slothful, resource-wasting Citizens (certain extremist elements have even suggested that HPD & MC could simply be rebranded VatSlime without any hassle or flicker of dispute from the general populace). However, for others the hardy persistence and unusual growths of the VatSlime have led to a certain grudging appreciation, and some have gone so far as to keep small patches of VatSlime as a 'pet' (indeed, several IntSec raids on fallow vats have uncovered the repeated presence of cooing and glassy-eyed Sierra Clubbers camped out, apparently for weekcycles, watching the VatSlime grow).

Certain science experts on the bleeding edge of Alpha Complex research have pondered the possibility that VatSlime, under certain circumstances, may be capable of developing rudimentary intelligence and self-sentience. Day-to-day exposure to entirely safe and not to be worried about ultra-violet radiation from Complex lighting arrays is believed to have the potential to react with certain gases contained within VatSlime to create the building blocks for life itself. Aside from R&D interest in this aspect of VatSlime, Tech Services have also quarantined certain offline Vat facilities to investigate the use of certain VatSlime byproducts in enhancement of Alpha Complex cloning processes.

The presence of VatSlime in dietary supplements has proven an issue in maintaining Total_Oral_Cleansing protocols amongst the citizens of Alpha Complex. The steady build-up of Slime on teeth and gums has been clearly linked with marked declines in happiness, dependability and loyalty - highlighting a possible link between VatSlime and Communism. Use of Toothpasty Supplements has helped keep VatSlime growth in check - and developments like the Aural_Static_Taste_Enhancer and Robobraces have shown very promising results in reversing the effects of VatSlime.

Aside from its deletery reactions on teeth, unchecked VatSlime deposits have started creeping into transtubes, supply conduits and sanitary ducts. Blockages of this nature undoubtedly impacted on many aspects of events leading up to the events of the Toothpaste_Disaster. While the UV filtration project, headed by Sali-V-ATE-4, failed to offer the right solution for the purification of drinking water (ref., Aqua_Purity_Emergency_Sediment_and_Chemical_Interception_Team), it did provide a means to combat VatSlime. At certain wavelengths the UV effects cause the Slime to soften and, ultimately, liquify, massively simplifying an otherwise arduous cleaning process. However, these developments were too late to prevent VatSlime involvement in the Alternative_Troubleshooter_Team_Insertion_Conduit_(ATTIC) incident, in the midst of the Toothpaste_Disaster. VatSlime involvement in the Zero_Tolerance_Mouthwash_Accident also certainly impacted the responses by certain agencies involved in handling the Disaster.

Oddly, VatSlime was also implicit in the rise of the League_of_Extraordinary_Dadaists, following the Disaster. What involvement it might have had is unclear, but certain rumours suggest that the combination of knowledge within the Manifesto_Out_of_Space_and_Time and the inherent potential for life within VatSlime resulted in the creation of a monstrous bio-construct that now resides somewhere within the Phantom_Sectors and has been eating Troubleshooter Team faster than they can be reliably despatched.

-- Costin-U-MOR-8

Commentary:

I seem to recall that one of the varieties of VatSlime - blue, maybe? - is a powerful hallucinogen, making the stuff highly popular among the Mystics. If the League_of_Extraordinary_Dadaists has an interest in VatSlime, that might be connected. The available depictions of Dadaist behavior seem compatible with the idea that they are under the influence of powerful psychopharmaceuticals. And if the Manifesto_Out_of_Space_and_Time were laced with the same chemicals, it might explain the aberrant behavior of its readers.

Paul-U: could you check the Forenso-Comp breakdown on Drake-U-LAH-1's blood? See if there's some VatSlime psychotropics floating around in there. I'd much rather accept that explanation than any of this supernatural nonsense.

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

Vats

1. The food vats we all know and loathe, churning dozens of ingredients into a uniformly unappealing gruel. Do I need to elaborate on this further?

2. A popular musical piece of Performance_Art banned after its 3rd legal performance for "emanating treasonous Viral_Thought_Patterns". Yeah right; the reason it was cut down was because it made fun of Jan-U-ARY's new protocols for IntSec food vat inspections. If you ever wondered where her seething hatred of the arts came from, now you know.

By the way, if you want a good laugh, I own one of the few legal vidtapes of the performance. It's quite an eye-opener about Jan-U-ARY...

-Drake-U-LAH-4

Refs: Performance_Art, Viral_Thought_Patterns

Commentary:

Busy now, but I'll give you 5,000 credits for a copy of that vidtape. Oh crap, got to go now.

-- Omega-U-MAN-1337

Vegeta-R-IAN-3

Vegeta-R-IAN-3

GeneScan ID#: 333SYA-J1N ***BREAK BREAK BREAK***

Service Group: PLC
Service Firm: TNT Hygene Group

Commendation Index: 15
Treason Index: -25
Overall Loyalty Indicator: Code Ficus
Recommended Action: Apprehend for questioning.

Known Mutations: None
Suspected Mutations: Energy Generation, Gravity Control(?)
Known Secret Society Affiliations: None
Suspected Secret Society Affiliations: Psion, Death Leopard

***ERROR ERROR ERROR BREAK BREAK BREAK***

I can't type now for more than a moment -- I'm on my way to a secure facility. (Not that any place in Alpha is secure, now.) But I had to put down a few critical points in case I don't make it. To wit:

I have solid evidence that it was Vegeta-R who killed Flo-U-RID-3.
I've discovered a secret link between Vegeta-R, Loose-I-FER-1, and possibly Halle-B-RTN-4, among others.
I think I've made a major breakthrough about the Phantom_Sectors.
And, most terrifyingly -- I think I've found out the truth about GAMMA_Clearance.

If I'm killed en route, do not try to apprehend Vegeta-R. Nearly all the information in her standard file above is false. If all the precautions I've taken (and with a fortune like mine, you can get a lot of precautions) fail, nothing any of the rest of you can do could do any better.

I hope to have the information up by midnight. But Drake-U... Your first clone was right about the Unspeakable_Treason. But he didn't know the half of it...

-- Ken-U-RON-7

Addendum: Timestamp 23:55:02 HIGHEST SECRET UV EYES ONLY

GAMMA is not a clearance. GAMMA is a state of mind. Literally.

It's been staring us in the face ever since Drake-U-LAH-1 was driven to madness reading the Manifesto_Out_of_Space_and_Time. And the information only became clearer when Ken-U-RON-6 read Drake-U's notes and started going mad in a very similar manner. We were looking at it all wrong. It's not that the Manifesto is so vilely treasonous that it drives all right-thinking clones mad -- it's hard to find two clones who would think as differently as Drake-U and Ken-U, and yet they responded similarly.

The Manifesto is really a carrier for a particularly virulent strain of Viral_Thought_Patterns -- but an imperfect one. If it were in prime condition, we would never have noticed Drake-U going mad at all. He would have simply been quietly overwritten with a GAMMA personality, and proceeded to twist the results of this investigation to whatever ends that personality willed.

The secret masters of Alpha Complex do not exist bodily. That this is possible should come as no surprise to any of us, least of all Jan-U-ARY-31 (who gave up the weaknesses of a body long ago). They don't even have the negligible weaknesses of a brain to tie them down any more. Long ago, they used advanced memetic engineering, far superior to modern Personality_Modification, to encode their most vital brain functions in seemingly innocuous data files. The Manifesto is one, albeit one that has been damaged and degraded with time. I have uncovered evidence of at least one other, a supposed script for an unproduced HPD&MC drama called the YELLOW-Clearance_Sign, a work seemingly innocent and loyal in its every word, yet dripping on each page with the purest crystallized treason.

Vegeta-R has read it. So has Loose-I-FER-1. I believe Halle-B-RTN-4 and Rasp-U-TIN-1 have as well, though they may have been influenced by a different work, one I have yet to uncover. (The files they were secretly exchanging, perhaps?) It doesn't matter. What matters is that Vegeta-R and Loose-I, and possibly Halle-B and Rasp-U, are now on a very fundamental level the same person. A person who has access to the deepest levels of Friend Computer's core programming. (How else could such flagrant traitors as these, especially Loose-I, have remained free for so long? They can sabotage each effort to catch them at its core.) A person who is, as Drake-U-LAH-1 came so close to realizing in his work on the Unspeakable_Treason, quite mad. Perhaps 'mad' is the wrong word. 'Alien' might be better. Whatever the word, that which is bound within these words does not think like us mere mortals. It toys with life and death, loyalty and treason, INFRARED and Friend Computer, for its own twisted amusement. For the joy of seeing us squirm like a loyal citizen on Drake-U's interrogation tables.

I am sure that that was the only reason behind the Toothpaste_Disaster. In the end, it was nothing more significant than a Junior Citizen smashing its toys for fun.

The GAMMAs destroyed Flo-U-RID-3 -- I don't know why. But I think she was on to something that endangered them. Vegeta-R was their hand in this matter -- before her brain was erased and rewritten, she was a high-ranking Psion with numerous powers that are directly traceable to Flo-U's methods of death. Find her missing files -- they're probably the key to everything.

Anyone could have been overwritten by a GAMMA thought pattern by now. Even one of us. I'd be surprised if none of them felt it necessary to cover their tracks in this incident. Stay alert. Trust none of us. Keep your brainscrubbers handy.

Even I am feeling a bit unbalanced. Well, of course -- I read some of Ken-U-6's notes. The secondhand or thirdhand elements of the Manifesto may be trickling down to me. Now I can't even trust myself. Any of this report could be unreliable, the efforts of the broken, twisted GAMMA trapped inside it trying to trick me.

Oh, HEL's bells. Someone in my secure compound just downloaded the YELLOW-Clearance_Sign. There's a GAMMA here now. Possibly two -- for how would anyone know to download it?

I've locked down my compound and issued suicide orders. Nobody's responding. This is worse than I thought.

I've sent the command for Ken-U-8 to be activated, and tagged my last pristine MemoMax for download. Find Ging-I-VTS-5 and the thing that chewed its way out of Sue-R-RAT-1... no, Sue-6. My mind is going. The thing is possibly our only concrete proof of the GAMMAs. And Drake-U-1 thought Ging-I was worth protecting -- she may be our last hope.

I'm going to try to cleanse my compound myself. I'm not going to succeed. I'm outnumbered and outgunned by my own mercenaries. But I can make sure none of us make it out alive.

Things were so much easier when all I had to worry about were cooking the books and bribing the regulators...

The Phantom_Sectors... they're not physical. They're the sectors of our mind the GAMMAs hide in. And I don't know if we can expunge them. But... I think I know what Flo-U and Ging-I were on to. Seek the true meaning of Zen_Deficit_Disorder. I think it's our only hope.

Unless I've just been driven mad after all.

-- Ken-U-RON-7, signing out for the last time. Computer and profit be with you all.

You idiot! There's no such thing as Unspeakable_Treason! These wild bot chases are going to get us all executed for wasting Friend Computer's time!

-- Drake-U-LAH-4

Referenced by:

Wyrms

Specimen: Wyrm, recovered from BBY Sector 6 hours prior to Autopsy
Location: LAT Sector, Syntelligent Systems Morgue/Refectory
Date: 5.9.214 14:30

Pathologic Diagnoses

I. Intestinal Obstruction, secondary to perforated lower intestine
II. Bowel Obstruction, secondary to Diphenhydromegatoxine toxicity and related cellular necrosis
III. Allergies (dust, sub-terrestrial vapor)

Circumstances of Death and General Observations

The specimen is a male Wyrm of average build, probably a young adult, measuring 43 feet, 7 inches in length, weighing approximately 37,046 pounds. Cause of death was multi-organ system failure, brought on by ruptured intestines, resulting from various internal obstructions, both organic and synthetic.

External Examination

Skin surface is scorched by an assortment of laser blasts, apparently from Red and Orange laser pistols. Wounds from those blasts appear superficial in nature, having failed to penetrate the specimen's thick, scaly epidermis. The hind section of the specimen is slightly melted. Residue tests indicate the affected area was exposed to a close range XTREEM-BURN_Heavy_Flamethrower blast. However, a microscopic examination indicates this wound occurred post-mortem (most likely inflicted by the Troubleshooter who found and reported the specimen, with the intention of claiming credit for the kill).

Internal Examination

A series of three 10 foot lengthwise incisions were executed to examine the specimen's digestive system - or I should say digestive systems, since the creature boasts 2 distinct stomachs. One appears to be a standard digestive organ, suitable for processing virtually any organic material. Contents of this stomach include: bones, hair, HotFun wrappers and large quantities of Red and Orange fabric (21 shredded, yet mostly undigested jumpsuits that seemingly caused an intestinal blockage). The second (significantly larger) stomach seemingly allows for the processing of metal, plastic, concrete and other synthetic substances. This stomach contains a liquified soup of common construction materials, most notably a compound used in the fabrication of walls and floors in the Alpha Complex. It also contains fragments of laser pistols, a multicorder, and a cracked, empty bottle of Diphenhydromegatoxine tablets.

Cranial Examination

The specimen's head section is in perfect condition (in fact, I intend to mount it on my office wall when this is done). All three rows of WyrmTeeth are intact - and still razor sharp. The teeth are sparklingly clean, which comes as a minor surprise considering the contents of the specimen's stomach. Chemical analysis provides some insight on this, indicating that the Wyrm had recently ingested a large quantity of Toothpasty_Supplement_#5. The specimen's 8 foot tongue is still moist, saturated with a highly acidic substance which melted two stainless steel laboratory tongs (not to mention the fingers of one my rather clumsy assistant). Expected to find a brain of some sort, but the skull is composed of solid bone. The specimen's sensory organs indicate a creature with excellent low-light vision and superior olfactory capacity. The creature lacks a traditional auditory organ; it is totally deaf. However, the specimen has an ear-like extremity in close proximity to an unusual organic/metallic/crystalline structure. It appears to act as a resonator, allowing the specimen to "tune in" into certain Ultra_High_Frequency_Radio_Waves. Fascinating.

Final Summary and Conclusions

When Wyrms were first sighted in the Alpha Complex, some clones suggested it was some ancient beast that had evolved beneath the Complex, brought into our home through the disastrous Project_Infinite_Hole. This turns out to be false. The Wyrm is an engineered organism. It was created by someone. However, as one of the foremost Bio-Engineers in the Complex, I can state with absolute certainty that this monster was not created by any one of Friend Computer's subjects. We simply aren't skilled enough to create a masterpiece such as this.

Not yet.

--Circ-U-LAT-23

Commentary:

Unlike you, Circ-U, I can't claim to be one of the foremost Bio-Engineers in the complex. I'm not even a Bio-Engineer. What I do know is how to correlate data. And after running your own Wyrm DNA scans through a GeneScan_Image analyzer, my people found that over 78% of the Wyrm's genetic code matches up to common clone DNA sequences. Isn't it possible that the Wyrms are simply a cascade mutation that's bred true?

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

Isn't it possible? No. Not possible. This is no cascade mutation. Mutations create tremendous slop in the genome... all sorts of genetic information that serves no function in the development of the organism. Take a look at the GeneScan_Image for the Wyrm. No slop, no extraneous DNA - total efficiency of design. Genetically speaking, these creatures are three times more complex than a pure breed clone (no mutations) - yet their genome is only 1/58th the size of ours. It is beyond the probabilistic resources of the universe that such precision could be generated by a random mutation. The fact that common sequences found in the Alpha Complex were used in the creation of these monsters only tells us that those who created them had been given access to our GeneScan archives. Oh.. it also tells us the WyrmMasters have one hell of a sense of humor. But I'm not laughing. NOT LAUGHING.

So, Jan-U, considering that I don't try to tell you how to do whatever the hell it is that brains do in jars all day long, I would thank you not to tell me how to analyze a GeneScan_Image.

Enough of this. I have preparations to make.

--Circ-U-LAT-23

I have noted that citizen Circ-U is exhibiting classic signs of paranoia and delusional behavior. On multiple occasions now, he has claimed that the data I (or others) have painstakingly assembled is incomplete or irrelevant, casually making reference to sources and investigatory methods that do not bear up as legitimate to any sort of examination. Even were his data to be accepted, his reaction to that data dips into hysterical irrationality.

It is my belief that he is either actively attempting to mislead this commission, being used as a catspaw by powers that deceive him in order to deceive us, or simply losing his mind. Or perhaps some combination of the three.

--Err-U-DYT-9

Very nice. First a lecture on genetics from the PLC jar-jockey, now a little pop psychology from a CPU geek. I swear, it's like the GASES program all over again. I suggest you two stick to your daycycle occupations.

--Circ-U-LAT-23

My daycycle occupation is analyzing the reliability of data and data sources. This includes recognition of the signs of addiction, delusion, Neuro-Cascade_Failure, and other forms of mental breakdown or unreliability. I may not be able to offer as precise a diagnosis as, say, a professional Happiness Therapist, but what's relevant is that your claims cannot be trusted as hard data - and that, I am qualified to judge.

I suggest you seek therapy.

--Err-U

I suggest electroshock therapy. More than happy to oblige.

--Drake-U-LAH-4

Referenced by:

X-Cell

"X-Cell," it was, scrawled across Drake-U-LAH-1's computer monitor after perusing the Manifesto_Out_of_Space_and_Time. It is also the name of a chemical used by the Y-Chromosome_Cabal, an enzyme that attacks the X chromosome in clone DNA, and one of the chemicals investigated in the cases of the errant Iron_Chef units involved in the Toothpasty_Supplement_#5 mixup.

The connection? Unknown, until now.

Sadly, an examination of the blood present at the site indicates, that:

Somehow or other, this was Drake-U-LAH-1's blood, and
X-Cell was present within his bloodstream, as evidenced by the samples.

Somehow, he was aware of this, and scrawled the message as a warning. At least, that's what the new VPRWare Experimental Forenso-Comp tells us, in conjunction with some thoughts from IntSec agents overseeing the test. Was the madness induced by the Manifesto actually the preliminary effects of the breakdown of his body itself, if only in part? The original copy of the Manifesto would be needed to determine this, and that, unfortunately, is lost to us, along with the still (to my knowledge) missing Drake-U-LAH-1.

IntSec and the Forenso-Comp propose that the Manifesto was somehow laced with the chemical, which would slowly build up in the system of the reader over a long period of time. Finally, upon reaching a critical mass, would begin cellular breakdown at the genetic level. This could trigger the madness assumed to have struck Drake-U-LAH-1. Did he try to warn the rest of the panel before fleeing?

I have my personal doubts -- after all, the revelation of the Unspeakable_Treason file shows no great love for his colleages, even those of us not drowning in Secret Society connections or petty rivalries. But he did seem driven to uncover the truth behind the Disaster, which may have led him to take a chance and warn us before being driven completely mad. Perhaps. In fact, combined with the body count on this panel, I have to consider it more likely.

I look forward to the final report (as yet still held up by Friend Computer) on case Zed/Omega-38458-QYT_-_IntSec_Investigation_of_Jan-U. I wonder, given the complaints of gender balance on the commission in the QwikPaste_Spray_Bottles entry, what connections may lie within.

Of course, it is possible that Viral_Thought_Patterns, as accused in Ken-U-RON-7's Vegeta-R-IAN-3 file, also affected Drake-U as Ken-U claims they affect others. But we have the chemical proof here for this one. Perhaps a trapped copy of a trapped document?

Refs: Iron_Chef, QwikPaste_Spray_Bottles, Toothpasty_Supplement_#5, Unspeakable_Treason, Vegeta-R-IAN-3, Viral_Thought_Patterns, Y-Chromosome_Cabal, Zed/Omega-38458-QYT_-_IntSec_Investigation_of_Jan-U

-- Paul-U-LEG-9

Xynonull

FROM THE HPD-BRAINBUDZ POCKET GUIDE TO PSYCHOACTIVE CHEMICALS

1,4-Monomethyl-3-penthaquinone-(1,1,2-trisulphan) picolinic acid methylamide
Trade Name: XYNONULL
Clearance: INFRARED
BTYMN: 57RW-39312
TRS: 778-22-091
ALSO SEE: CRD Index
Original (TRS) IDLH: 500 mg/m³
Effective IDLH: 200 mg/m³
Sol: Miscible
Sp. Gr: 1.09
VP: 12 mmHg
IP: 12.39 eV
LEL: Unknown
Description of substance: Colorless, oily liquid with a strong, fruity odor. [Note: An explosive ingredient (40-50%) in DynaBoom along with Triboromethyloxine (20-30%) and Spent Bio-Organic Slurry (30%).]
Exposure guidelines: None developed
Exposure routes: inhalation, ingestion, injection, skin and/or eye contact
Target organs: brain, spinal cord, ganglia
Uses: cognition dampener, disinhibitor, general anaesthetic, local anaesthetic, euphoric, narcotic, sedative
Side effects: Drowsiness, incoordination, lassitude, long-term neural damage, narcosis, vertigo
Interactions: Hydropsionic Acid, Mutant-No-MOR, Omega-Hybrizine, Visomorpain
Used in: Exercise_Pills, SmileTime_Mood_Enhancement_Serum_(with_Tartar_Control)
WARNING: Interaction with Hydropsionic Acid may lead to Psionic Mutation Syndrome!
WARNING: Interaction with Mutant-No-MOR may lead to Spontaneous_Mutation_Syndrome!

BEGIN REPORT BY JAN-U

Xynonull addiction is the single greatest danger to Alpha Complex as we know it.¹ Abuse of the drug has spread across all service groups and security clearances. Given its primary function as a cognition dampener, the danger such abuse poses should be clear.

Friend Computer frowns upon the recreational use of cognition-dampening pharmaceuticals by high-clearance clones in sensitive positions. However, INFRARED_Citizens consume enormous quantities of Xynonull on a regular basis, which makes it difficult to monitor the supply. INFRAREDs often remain addicted even after being promoted to RED, and so persist in their abuse of the drug. Any number of user errors may be attributed to on-the-job Xynonull abuse by higher-clearance clones.

Xynonull was designed by a team under Toothy-U-NIX-3, personally approved by Brush-U-TTH-32, and is mass-produced by MegaMAN Pharmaceuticals, a Service Firm directly controlled by Omega-U-MAN-5.

CORRELATIONS BETWEEN XYNONULL ABUSE AND THE TOOTHPASTE DISASTER

Drake-U-LAH-1 made extensive use of Xynonull during his analysis of the Manifesto_Out_of_Space_and_Time. This clearly served to lower his mental inhibitions against treason.²
Don-U-DON-11 and Special_Brain_Freshening_Unit_K made extensive use of Xynonull during their interrogation of suspected members of the RED-Clearance Revolution after the Little_Red_Disk incident. Xynonull-induced Spontaneous_Mutation_Syndrome is the most likely culprit for the resultant bio-virus incident.
Armed Forces units make extensive use of Xynonull; this use makes it difficult or impossible for these units to deal with unexpected situations or avoid excessive use of force in civilian areas. Excessive civilian casualty ratios during the ToothpasteRebellion can be directly attributed to Xynonull abuse by key elite Armed Forces units such as the Green_Bonnets and Vulture_Squadron_Bravo_9.
The COs of all Emergency_Disaster_Response_Teams are regularly dosed with Xynonull, impairing their cognitive abilities. The failure of the EDR Teams in dealing with the Alternative_Troubleshooter_Team_Insertion_Conduit_(ATTIC) disaster, among others, can be directly attributed to Xynonull abuse.
Widespread use of Hydropsionic Acid by R&D and HPD&MC personnel in the months leading up to the Disaster, in combination with Xynonull abuse, led to an ever-increasing prevalence of Psionic Mutation Syndrome. CPU estimates indicate that up to 50% of the population in the worst-hit sectors were afflicted with PMS. Excessive psychic sensitivity and violent telekinetic outbursts ensued, disrupting productivity, severely overcrowding termination booths in the afflicted sectors, and causing major issues with personnel retention.³
Mass outbreaks of Psionic Mutation Syndrome and Spontaneous_Mutation_Syndrome led to a massive increase in mutant registration. This flood of registered mutants was funneled into a number of newly created groups, including the Homologous_Psychic_Dissidents_&_Mutant_Citizens. And we all know how they turned out.⁴
The euphoric effects of Xynonull increase dramatically when supplemented with certain rhythmic sounds. In combination with ill-programmed Xyrens, this led directly to the Im_w/stupid dance craze.
The rollout of Electronic_Security_Measure_Capice took place only a few monthcycles before the Toothpaste_Disaster. Extensive use of Xynonull interfered with clones ability to properly enter their security information in accordance with the Capice protocols. Xynonull abusers experienced a 313% higher fatality rate when using Capice, resulting in a small but significant loss of skilled personnel and institutional memory in related departments and Service Firms (especially R&D and CPU). As a result, personnel in key roles lacked the skills and experience needed to tackle the problems caused by the Toothpaste_Disaster.
Any number of R&D disasters can be blamed on Xynonull abuse. Defective_Batch_ACA675T09-XXXX? The Flossbot_Mk_II? IceeQwik? R&D is chock full of Xynonull-addled Mystics who couldnt do a project right to save their lives. ⁵

RECOMMENDATIONS

Xynonull should only be administered by a licensed DocBot or physician. In addition, all manufacture of Hydropsionic Acid should be discontinued. Seriously, why are we making a drug whose only function is to enhance psionic mutations? Yes, Screwz-U, Im talking to you. We only keep manufacturing the stuff because you keep shoehorning it into the Six Monthcycle Plan. Would you please stop?

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

Footnotes:

Except for Communism, mutation, treason, and HPD&MC. (1)
Not that his inhibitions against treason were all that strong to begin with. (2)
Psionic Mutation Syndrome remains a periodic problem in MOR and OUT sectors. (3)
Very badly. (4)
Hence the high fatality rate among R&D personnel. (5)

Commentary:

I have come across two interesting consequences of Xynonull's primary effects:

Xynonull's cognition dampening has the side effect of making the user's mind less vulnerable to many psionic mutations - I discovered the documentation on this while looking for ways to safely research/report on Uri-Glutonium337. (I did not, however, actually use Xynonull. Other means were more effective and much safer.)
Xynonull's mind-altering nature renders the recipient more susceptible to Viral_Thought_Patterns, both approved and treasonous.

All in all, I agree with you - the cost of Xynonull usage substantially outweighs its benefits, and it should be administered only under authorized supervision.

-- Err-U-DYT-9

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Xyrens

Xyrens are annoying devices used to direct many people in a sector at once when individual contact by Friend Computer would not be efficient. Each xyren is capable of producing over 3,000 distinct sounds, which can create a complete instructional language. Clones are so used to following the orders of the xyrens that the system has occasionally been put to non-traditional uses, such as dance-crazes (see Im_w/stupid) and occasional acts of treason. You are right. This is the dullest report Ive ever had to file. It barely has anything to do with the Toothpaste_Disaster at all. Enkid-U-RUK-4, go ahead and make the drop; payment for Lenin's_Tooth will be forthcoming in the amount previously specified. Also, if you have any information on the current whereabouts of the ItemsInQuestion, I am willing to pay in cash or processing time. Xyrens 200, the latest production model has overcome many of these failings, but are notoriously prone to hacking from outside sources.

-- Dursch-U-WTZ-8

Commentary:

Drop? Payment? Are you using this report to cut illicit deals? How tacky!

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

You know, Jan-U, for a brain in a jar you've sure got a lot of lip.

-- Dursch-U

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