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Long-Term Projections

What does the future hold for you and for me? What will life in the Alpha Complex look like in 10 years? In 20 years? In 50?? In 100???

How the hell should I know?

I can hardly anticipate what's going to happen 5 minutes from now, let alone what might occur in the far-flung future. And if I did know such things, I would terminate myself immediately for being an unregistered Precog.

Without the aid of treasonous mutant powers, no one can really predict the future... so why do Service Groups put so much time and resources into creating these Long-Term Projections? Every year, out comes another series of Projections, most falling somewhere between Questionable Optimism and Pure Fantasy on the PID (Positive Information_Distortion) index. Of course, the hopeful tone of these reports is hardly a surprise when you consider what happens to those who dare to publish sober, realistic Long-Term Projections. Suffice to say that these clones shouldn't worry so much about the future, since they will never live long enough to see it.

As such, annual Long-Term Projection reports merely serve as another way for Service Groups to defend the status quo... and give themselves an exuberant pat on the back in the process. However, if you are looking for an entertaining way to waste the afternoon, you should definitely browse though the archives of LTPs from a few decades ago! It's always amusing to read what our predecessors imagined life would be like in this, the year 214. Here are a few enlightening nuggets that I've pulled out of the archives:

"We project that all Nuclear Power generators will be shut down in the year 212. By that time, the Complex will be totally Powered By Happiness, thanks to a new technology that converts good feelings into energy! Let a smile be your Plutonium, citizens!"

"By the year 210, all Commie Mutant Traitors will have been eliminated from the Complex. IntSec will be dissolved, all Termination Booths will be converted into Complimentary Massage Booths. All citizens will be promoted to Ultraviolet clearance."

"Within twenty years, safety protocols will be so well designed, so flawlessly executed, that all potential emergencies will be anticipated and prevented BEFORE they have a chance to occur. Gone will be the days of such tragedies as the Shampoo Disaster and the Waxy_Disaster!"

That last one was written about 20 years ago. Like I said, Long-Term Projections are pure bunk. You want to know about the future? Go consult a Magic_Hate_Ball. The predictions won't be any more accurate, but they'll be considerably more entertaining!

-- Circ-U-LAT-23


Your willingness to self-terminate is admirable, friend Circ-U! I hope we don't have to put it to the test. You seem to be implying that Friend Computer and/or His High Programmers will murder anyone who publishes sober, realistic Long-Term Projections. Friend Computer values the truth! He would not stoop to shoot the messenger.

Admittedly, the projections you've listed are inconsistent with the current state of affairs. I blame this, not on the vaunted impossibility of accurate prediction, but upon a lack of adequate prognostication tools. Given time, we will surely develop more accurate Long-Term Projections. Then you'll eat your words!

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

Now Jan-U, I realize you no longer possess a mouth... but that doesn't mean you should be putting words in mine! Friend Computer certainly values the truth, just as you say. But some of our High Programmer colleagues don't always feel the same way, especially when accurate projections reflect poorly on their actions. I suspect this is why the authors of such projections are often found poisoned/disemboweled/blown to bits. Or maybe they are just very unlucky. Either way, I hope your projection of more accurate Long-Term Projections proves to be accurate in the Long Term!

-- Circ-U-LAT-23

Erarr denipium omar bi platu gangrene.

*^0 Long-term projections are only useful for those projected to live long-term.

:) You have no chance to survive make your time.

>:D Dle turdso0ker!!!!1!!!11

=0 And you thought Flo-U-RID-3 was dead. While you toil in ignorance, she is preparing for when the Wall_Will_Fall.

*^0 "And lo, the Lord of Unspeakable_Treason spoke and said, 'Let there be boot. The citizens will turn to their Friend and discover Its faithlessness; the Commies will rejoice until they realize they have been upstaged.' And flak will rain from the skies, shredding the unleet." -Manifesto_Out_of_Space_and_Time, p.15 vrs.45b


Excellent! We've triangulated Drake-U-LAH-1's position. GNA sector has now been locked down, and Vulture_Squadron_Bravo_9 is en route. Unfortunately there's only a small chance that we can pin him down - he is a High Programmer, after all, with all that entails - but at least we have a shot at him. And if this fails, well, there's a high probability that he will attempt to flee to Xavier_Central. Armed Services assures me that he'll never get that far.

On a related note, ARY sector R&D has analyzed Drake-U-LAH-1's postings during and after his entry on the Manifesto_Out_of_Space_and_Time, and they've concluded that there's an 86% chance that he's merely feigning insanity, presumably as part of some Communist plot. This significantly increases the probability that he is, in fact, one of the culprits behind the Toothpaste_Disaster and its subsidiary misadventures and debacles, and is simply using this as an excuse to get out of Alpha Complex before his plots are revealed, possibly in one of the current set of entries. If all goes well, we'll be able to interrogate him and learn the truth. I wouldn't count on it, though; Armed Forces isn't very good at taking people alive.

-- Jan-U

I've taken a look at that analysis - it's decent. (In fact, for R&D, it's downright stunning. Next time I'd recommend using CPU analysts, though.) The "Final Conclusions" are skewed a bit towards oversimplification; it is possible for a genuine lunatic to feign insanity, so the 86% chance of faking it doesn't mean there's only a 14% chance he's mad. I am fairly certain that he is at least somewhat unbalanced - some of his statements are ones that those he is working with would not want revealed.

(Also, his speech patterns have a positive correlation with statistical trends evidenced by citizens undergoing certain treasonous treatments by Psion - those which induce sudden mental mutations, with all of the accompanying trauma. Not to say this couldn't be faked, of course, but it's a significant data point that most of the ARY sector R&D researchers weren't cleared for, and as such ought to be mentioned.)

I would be unsurprised to discover that Drake-U-LAH-1 planned something like what you postulate - but got more than he bargained for upon reading the Manifesto_Out_of_Space_and_Time.

-- Err-U-DYT-9

I think he's gone completely off the deep end. I've seen ScrubBots that were more in control of their faculties.

-- Knok-U-OUT-6

is simply using this as an excuse to get out of Alpha Complex before his plots are revealed

Jan-U-ARY, your deduction skills must have crumbled with your body. If Drake-U-LAH-1 truly wanted to escape from Alpha Complex, would he blatantly act like a Commie? Or recontact us after escaping so we could track his position? There are at least 321 different, officially-recognized ways of escaping Alpha Complex that have a better chance of success than this, including attempting to flush oneself out through the sewage.

-- Drake-U-LAH-2

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2013-06-13 13:58