I am shocked and appalled that, despite a full weekcycle of work on this report, not one of my fellow High Programmers have seen fit to mention the death of one of our own. Its despicable. Do guilty consciences keep you silent?
Who killed Flo-U-RID-3?
Who pumped chlorine dioxide into her ventilation system? Who reprogrammed her PediBot to puree? Who shot her thirty-seven times with an ULTRAVIOLET laser? Who dropped her down three different elevator shafts? Who copied over her memory tapes with B4 advertising jingles? Who swapped her genetic scans with Codemonkeys DNA? Who flooded her clone tank with Acidophizz? Who locked all files concerning her murder under the treasonously non-existent GAMMA_Clearance?
Flo-U-RID-3 had many enemies. Jealous rivals (you know who you are!) coveted her authority over Alpha Complexs valuable dental hygiene resources; they envied her managerial skills and her pearly whites. Secret societies sought to avenge themselves when she snubbed their offers of membership. Even the Zero_Teeth_Movement targeted her projects with all manner of sabotage. For yearcycles, she struggled against all odds to keep the dental hygiene industry strong and efficient. But this time, someone went too far! At the height of the Toothpaste Disaster, one or more High Programmers took advantage of the chaos to murder Flo-U. In fact, I suspect that much of the Disaster was staged for the sole purpose of covering the murderers tracks a plan that has worked far too well, until now.
As a result of my perfect alibi (I was in a jar at the time), I have been cleared of all involvement in this dreadful incident. As a result of this, and because of my impeccable record and my zeal for justice, IntSec has consented to place me in charge of the investigation of Flo-Us demise. Naturally, I expect your full cooperation in pointing fingers and assigning blame.
This is a terrible new chapter in our history. Someone has murdered one of our own, and things will never be the same. Despite all this, however, you should not live in fear! If you let this horrible event change our way of life, then the terrorists have already won! Please continue with your usual work. This especially includes the projects I currently have slated, such as the DARKRED Overseer Initiative, the Color-Coded Credit System, the Mandatory Body-Ectomy Project and the Holistic Integrated Infrastructure Deliverable Mission-Critical Methodology Convergence Synergy Matrix.
I think you're barking up the wrong tankbot, Jan-U. Although an Ultraviolet could have used the Toothpaste_Disaster as an opportune time to strike, the sheer scale of it was too great to have been done just to execute one High Programmer. The Ultimabrite_Cleansing episode alone eradicated 7 Sectors, and it was just one facet of the disaster. Eradicating 1 or 2 Sectors, I can imagine, but seven?
The odds are much higher that multiple High Programmers all simultaneously tried to make a diversion for their attempt on her, which all interacted and combined into one huge, unthinkable calamity. I would be giddy over the prospects of promotion for busting such a large ring of traitors, if I were still able to get promoted.
We should start by determining everyone that could possibly have a motive in this and interrogating them THOROUGHLY. I volunteer my services.
Well, well. Somebody seems to have made a rather bad mistake, unless...
...no, I'm inclined to believe it a genuine slip. They tried to rectify their error - those files no longer show up at all. But there are still traces that verify Jan-U's allegations.
Thank you for your input, friend Drake-U! I'm sure that you have decided to volunteer your services for this vital project out of loyalty to Friend Computer and righteous outrage against this terrible murder, rather than from some treasonous desire to manipulate the evidence. And I agree that it's quite possible that more than one High Programmer participated in this atrocity.
So: name some names! Point some fingers! (I would join you, but I find myself unfortunately lacking in the finger department at this time.) Let's see some suspects... then the interrogations can begin!
Flo-U... is dead? But she... I mean, someone completely destroyed her? All of her? But that's... I mean, I didn't particularly know her well, but she was...
I suppose it doesn't matter, except in the consequences: This is very, very bad. Certainly much more serious than I had previously imagined. Perhaps more serious than any of us imagine. I apologize to all of you, my fellow Review Board members, for any dismissive tone I may have previously taken regarding this inquiry into the Toothpaste_Disaster; while I agree with Drake-U that the Disaster was probably not created specifically to terminate Flo-U, it seems clear to me that someone took strong steps to cover their tracks. And, as they are no doubt still at large, they may continue to take steps.
I have some leads-- notes for an upcoming entry in this report-- that may shed some light. Drake-U, please conduct your interrogations; I have every confidence in your skills along these lines. I will pursue my leads and report back to this committee as soon as I have news.
Glad to have you on board, Knok-U. I'm sure we can leave our little animosities behind us -- our mission is of paramount importance! We will find the ones responsible for the death of our noble comrade Flo-U. And they will pay, oh, they will pay.
Do you hear that, traitorous criminal murderers of one of our own? You're going down! And I know you're reading this, since all of the suspects are on this commission. You didn't think you were selected at random, did you? Everyone who might have been involved in Flo-U's death is currently involved in the Toothpaste Disaster report. Of course this means we'll have to ferret out your lies from among the entries in the report, but that should be easy enough once we've tracked you down.
How are your leads coming along, Knok-U? I'd hate to let the trail grow cold.
Jan: I feel compelled to point out that while your perfect alibi has cleared you of all involvement in Flo-U-RID's death, you have not been cleared of all responsibility. You may be a brain in a jar, but if you were incapable of getting anything done indirectly, you wouldn't be serving Friend Computer as a High Programmer - you'd have been recycled for nutrients long ago.
Not that I believe that you were responsible, but as the one in charge of the investigation, you really ought to be open to all possibilities.
I will be happy to assist in pointing fingers and assigning blame once the requisite data to produce such allegations has been brought forth. There is currently insufficient information to make finger-pointing a productive activity; the odds of a Blame Assignment Feedback Escalation far outweigh the probability of a Panic-Induced Accidental Revelation.
You have some good points, Err-U (aside from the involvement/responsibility two-step, of course). Some more data sure would come in handy right about now. I'm just hoping to give my fellow High Programmers a little push towards yielding that data in a manageable timeframe, by raising the Traitor Tension Index a few notches. And you'll note that a few of our fellow High Programmers seem to have dropped off of the commission just after I posted about Flo-U! If that's not suspicious behavior, what is?
I apologize for not speaking up sooner, Jan-U. I assure you, the trail is not getting cold. Best not to say more at this time; our quarry is wily, and closer than one might normally suspect, if you get my meaning.