Before It was called to take over control of Alpha Complex in the aftermath of the Commie Invasion, one of Friend Computer's primary functions was the annual Incident Report. In it, all of the troublesome events of the year were neatly categorized according to the Incident Terminology Categorial Hierarchy and used to track the success of Alpha Complex.

As the decades passed after the Commie Invasion, the Incident Reports grew worse. Every year there were dozens of Disasters. According to Friend Computer's algorithms, the Incident Report indicated that Alpha Complex was on the verge of collapse and anarchy. However, other feedback (including Mass Citizenry Satisfaction Polls) indicated that Alpha Complex was a utopia. Realizing that the Incident Terminology Categorial Hierarchy had become obsolete in the years since its inception, Friend Computer assigned a Version Committee to the Hierarchy in order to bring it up to date.

Incident Terminology Categorial Hierarchy v2.0 was an improvement over v1.0 in every way, accounting for casualty inflation so that the Incident Reports matched the quantities established in the pre-Commie years, revealing a 97% success rating for Friend Computer's leadership of Alpha Complex. In the numerous revisions since, obsolete categories like Rape and Prejudice were removed, new relevant categories like Mutant Activity and Unhappiness were added, victims were replaced with Organic Resource Value Units to account for the extra worth of higher-clearance citizens, and rates were adjusted for casualty inflation. Currently, the Incident Terminology Categorial Hierarchy is at v3.41.

The current incident categories are as follows:

• Apocalypse
• Disaster
• Sabotage (Minor/Major)

• Equipment Malfunction (Minor/Major)¹

• Homicide, Loyal Citizens (Minor/Major)^2,3

• Mutant Activity (Solitary/Mass)
• Mob Activity (classified by average clearance of mob)
• Theft (Minor/Major)
• Corruption (classified by average clearance of corrupted citizens)
• Unhappiness (Solitary/Mass)
• Littering (Minor/Major)
• Miscellaneous (Minor/Major)

¹ Nuclear Accidents were combined with Equipment Misfunctions in v3.2 to correct the excessive amounts of Nuclear Accidents reported, over 12x the standard ratio.

² Rather than spend millions investigating the reason that Homicide incidents outnumbered Assault incidents 7:1, CPU ordered the Version Committee to remove the Assault category in v2.81 as a cost-cutting measure.

³ An oversight in the classification of Organic Resource Value Units has led to the elimination of foodstuffs falling under the Homicide, Loyal Citizens category. Luckily, most foodstuffs are a fraction of an Organic Resource Value Unit, else everyone in Alpha Complex would have to choose whether to be executed as a traitor or starve to death. Excess foodstuff elimination is still a problem, however (see Vat_Incident). This should be resolved in the next version of the Hierarchy.

The Toothpaste_Disaster has been classified as a Disaster incident, correcting the previous categorization of it as an Apocalypse incident by a panicky High Programmer. (The corresponding activation of procedure Party_Omega only compounded the damage. We should implement safeguards to prevent such hasty categorizing in the future.) The Toothpaste Disaster incident has been further broken up into the following incidents:

• 3 Sabotages, Major: Ultimabrite_Cleansing

• 7 Sabotages, Minor: COL_gate_incident

• 6 Equipment Malfunctions, Minor: Four_Reactor_Foam_Flood, Easter_Bunny_Device

• 5 Homicides, Loyal Citizens, Major: Flo-U-RID-3, Vat_Incident

• 34 Homicides, Loyal Citizens, Minor: Action_Squad_Alpha

• 2 Mutant Activities, Mass
• 43 Mutant Activities, Solitary
• 15 Mob Activities
• 13 Unhappiness, Mass

• 23 Litterings: PopRox_Massacre

• 61 Miscellaneous

NOTE: Due to incomplete information regarding which categories match up with which incidents, I was unable to determine where everything fit on this list. I will add additional incidents to this list as their categorizations are uncovered by your in-depth investigations.

As a sidenote, Friend Computer recently issued an Indigo-clearance statement regarding the Disaster:

{{{Attention Citizens:

Due to the scope of Disaster #0271, incident limits for the year are at 82.3%. In addition, no Disasters will be able to occur for the next 9 years. Failure to satisfy both of these conditions, in contradiction to established incident standards, will be classified as Commie tampering of the records. All evidence and witnesses of such Commie tampering will be eliminated according to Internal Security False Reality Correction Procedures 287a-873u. Thank you for your cooperation.}}}

I predict that v4.0 of the Incident Terminology Categorial Hierarchy will be out by end of the monthcycle.

-Drake-U-LAH-1

Refs: Party_Omega, Vat_Incident

Cross-Refs: Action_Squad_Alpha, COL_gate_incident, Easter_Bunny_Device, Flo-U-RID-3, Four_Reactor_Foam_Flood, Ultimabrite_Cleansing

Commentary: