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It is unclear which Service Group originally developed Acidophizz. It is believed to have been a by-product of Project_Infinite_Hole, and it's not like anyone's going to step up to claim credit for that one, is it? Nonetheless, during the all-Clearances When Life Gives You <CENSORED>s Make <CENSORED>ade Week event, competitors from every Service Firm were asked to demonstrate some new use for this remarkable compound. Let's review the results, and agree that we're all past those silly arguments about whose pet competitor won, shall we?

Armed Forces put fast-and-furious Generaliss-I-MOE-4 (heroic suppressor of the Busta-M00V Revolt) on the job and he raced to meet the challenge in typical AF fashion, demonstrating how many different things could eventually be melted if enough Acidophizz was sprayed on them. I swear, they'd weaponize toenail clippings if they could.

Central Processing Unit's whiz-kid genius, Hack-Y-SAK-1, demonstrated his typical flair for parallelism when he showed that milligram quantities of Acidophizz on copper oxide plates could etch microcircuit traces that were 28% cleaner than earlier processes, while microgram quantities placed under the tongue produced time-extension hallucination experiences 41% longer-lasting than previously-known compounds. The former use was classified INDIGO Clearance; the latter, ULTRAVIOLET. Hack-Y-SAK-2 was promoted to GREEN Clearance following the regrettable, but clearly necessary, termination of his predecessor.

HPD and Mind Control did what it always does under pressure: put a focus group to work on marketing slogans. Their final submission was A Thousand and One Uses Excluding Putting It In Your Mouth or On Your Skin. One wonders why they didn't suggest something like Please Have Us All Incinerated For Wasting Your Time. Does anyone even bother remembering what "HPD" stands for anymore?

Internal Security is to be commended for not taking the obvious Armed-Forces-like brute-force approach, although they probably could have assigned someone a little more effective than Titelip-G-RIN-3 to the task. Titelip-G's two previous clones, you'll no doubt recall, are best remembered as the head(s) of the investigation into the so-called WMD_(Warriors_of_Masked_Dentistry). Sadly, Titelip-3's attempt to use Acidophizz as a selective memory eraser was no more successful than his predecessors had been in their task. Perhaps Titelip-4 will fare better.

Production Logistics and Commisary was, as usual, a shining example for others to look up to, as former fuel-requisition-clerk-turned-superstar Mag-R-ITE-2 discovered that Acidophizz could be used as an adhesive as well as a solvent. He promptly melded together no less than seventeen tons of decommissioned equipment, obsolete furniture, and packaging material scheduled for recycling, to produce the glorious and inspirational work of fountain-art From Each According to Budget, To Each According to pH that stands today in OUT Sector's own Troubleshooter Central. I can't begin to tell you how many times I've watched-- on my wall of closed-circuit monitors-- the excited expressions of our many Troubleshooters as they look upon this glorious testament to re-use and efficiency. It's proving to be such a boost to morale that we're thinking about having all our Happiness Officers carry a small tube of Acidophizz adhesive so that they can create similar, impromptu morale-builders in the field.

Power & Tech probably submitted something, but I didn't bother to write it down at the time. It probably involved conduits or something. Oh, come on. It's not like they're interesting or anything. Are these really two separate Service Firms still? Does this strike anyone else as insanely inefficient? I smell an opportunity to reverse upsize, if you know what I mean.

And, of course, Research and Development once again made a sort of silly mistake that will no doubt lead to untold loss of life in the foreseeable future, but I think we should do our best to remember that Service Firms aren't directly responsible for the choices their staff make. So, okay, somehow Ayleean-B-LUD-3 replaced her own circulatory system with self-regenerating Acidophizz, promptly went insane, and is now roaming the halls of Alpha Complex as a brutal acid-drooling psychopathic killing machine that can burn through walls, and which we don't dare kill. Is that R&D's fault? Oh, I think we all know where the real blame lies: Armed Forces, with its perpetual push for ever-deadlier military applications of even the most benign technologies. I think that when we get to the bottom of this so-called Toothpaste "Disaster", we'll find an Armed Forces mandate behind it. Mark my words.

-- Knok-U-OUT-5

Refs: Project_Infinite_Hole, WMD_(Warriors_of_Masked_Dentistry)


Mag-R-ITE-3 really is an amazing talent, isn't he?

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

As you full well know, Knok-U, Power Services operative Lum-O-DYN-4 used the Acidophizz to spontaneously bore several miles into the planetary crust to extract a sample of the previously theoretical potassium-iron alloy, Leelozium, which - it is hoped - will allow a considerable enhancement of the jacuzzi heating system in the Ultraviolet quarters across twelve Sectors, once the magma in the room cools down enough for Lum-O-DYN-5 to go in with a team to retrieve the sample container.

-- Costin-U-MOR-8

Look deeper, Jan-U. Mag-R was a hack who stole all his ideas from the near unknown Maxe-R-NST. If you want more details on the relationship of Mag-R, Maxe-R and Hugo-B-ALL, I'll be happy to forward you a copy of my upcoming text, Reflections of the Friend: Realism in Form and Function.

-- Dursch-U-WTZ-8

I don't give a bot's ass about all of that HPD&MC "art" nonsense. All I care about is whether it'll sell Bouncy Bubble Beverage. And if Mag-R-ITE-4 can do it, then he's a talent in my book.

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

Spoken like a brain without eyes, much less taste.

-- Dursch-U-WTZ-8

You say that like it's a bad thing.

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

Knok-U-OUT-5, have you been treasonously ignoring your PLC duties? As one of your fellow ULTRAVIOLET clones in PLC, you and I both know that WMD_(Warriors_of_Masked_Dentistry) most certainly do not exist. It is an incontrovertable fact. How do I know, you ask? They have not filed any paperwork asserting their existance with us in PLC. Since everyclone knows that we keep paperwork on everything in the complex, it is thus manifest that these so called WMD_(Warriors_of_Masked_Dentistry) do not and cannot exist.

And don't bother creating new paperwork to hide your ignorance! I have pre-emptively filled out a DebateIsFutileResolutionForm declaring myself correct.

-- Omega-U-MAN-5

Omega-U, that's the sort of dunderheaded nonsense that gives the rest of us at PLC a bad name. Friend Computer assures us that the Commies exist, and they don't file paperwork. Do you doubt the Computer?

-- Jan-U

I think perhaps you misunderstand, Omega-U. I think these perpetual and ongoing WMD investigations are a waste of IntSec resources, an obvious sham to mask the fact that their rate of successful Secret Society terminations has dropped three years in a row. I recognize that this is a somewhat controversial topic and that there are still those who believe in these ludicrous dental bogeymen, but I have tried to be politic and objective in my entry here.

-- Knok-U

All right, you Negative Nellies. I think what we all need to do is just agree to disagree and talk about our feelings. Who wants to go first? Jan? Omega? Knok? Come on, don't be shy! You just need to smile those clouds away and let in your own personal beam of electromagnetic radiation!

-- Brush-U-TTH-32

I'll smile when you suffer a hideous & agonizing death. That might explain your clone number.

-- Drake-U-LAH-1

Re: "Does anyone even bother remembering what "HPD" stands for anymore?"

The HPD&MC of today isn't just about "housing," "preservation," and "development." It's about the Computer's love for all citizens, and expressing that love through political edu-tainment and info-ganda. But have no fear that HPD&MC continues to house all the citizens of Alpha Complex (and preserve and develop it, whatever the smeg that means).

It wouldn't kill PLC to spruce up its image a little.

-- Don-U-DON-11

Oooh. Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondaycycles. Turn that frown upside-down, buddy!

-- Brush-U-TTH-32

Oh bother, what do you mean we don't have any paperwork on Commies!? Nearly half of all PLC forms concern terminating them! Such ignorance is no doubt treasonous! You remind me of the clone who tried to convince PLC that there were no forms concerning air, so it must not exist. No less than four perfectly loyal PLC clones suffocated due to that treasonous act before I myself produced a Bill_of_Pains_and_Penalties wherein someclone was to be deprived of air. In fact, that form concerned the very treasonous clone who started that whole mess. We promptly executed him when he turned a very treasonous shade of blue, a color far in excess of his clearance.

-- Omega-U-MAN-5

Vulture Squadron 44B, please report to Omega-U-MAN-5's quarters to forcibly administer his medication. You are authorized to administer electroshock therapy if you feel like it.

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

As amusing as Omega-U's little episode is, I'd like to take the opportunity to object most strenuously to your dismissal of Tech Services' demonstration of Acidophizz. While not, perhaps, as flashy as the uses found by other Groups, it did perform admirably as a contact-cleaning solution. While you, Knok-U, may not care much about proper bot and machine maintenance, I'd wonder what would happen if the doors in OUT sector stopped working reliably, hmm?

-- Cee-U-LTR-5

Well, Cee-U, I'd say if the doors in OUT sector stopped working reliably, Tech would claim it isn't their department and blame it on Power, like they usually do when they've failed to maintain proper standards of upkeep. Yet another reason we'll be filing again to have Tech dissolved and its service firms folded into Power.

-- Servs-U

Well, for computer's sake, Servs-U, if there's no POWER to the doors, no matter how well maintained they are, they won't work. Blame where blame is due, of course. If the splice-happy serviceclones over in Power Services would do their JOBS and keep everything properly supplied with power, we'd be able to keep everything running smoothly. Of course, I've been saying this since I was Cee-B, but it just keeps needing to be said, doesn't it.

-- Cee-U

I swear, Cee-U, if you sunk any lower with your treasonous asides HPD & MC wouldn't need Clones down below to maintain the SewerBots - you'd be down there already to do the work for them. Careful you don't over clean your office door with the Acidophizz... it might get so slick it'll catch you in the backside next time you go through it.

-- Costin-U


2013-06-13 13:52