[ParanoiaLexicon] [TitleIndex] [WordIndex

Bill of Pains and Penalties

Sometimes inccorectly reffered to by various other names in addition to this, the only proper designation of this form is PLC ID# 013 which bears this as its title. These can be, and frequently are, registered with PLC by higher-clearance clones and they authorize anyclone to inflict the named pains and penalties upon the clone designated upon the form. Note that this is distinct from a Bill of Attainder, often known by its lesser stylings, such as a Termination Voucher, in that it does not actually authorize the termination of the named clone, only the punishment thereof. Since not all approved punishments may be available to all clearances, and since it actually authorizes anyclone who wishes to to inflict the named pains and punishments, we include by default "kick them in the [DELETED FOR SECURITY REASONS]" so that clones of every clearance may be used to carry out the important work of encouraging everyclone to obey Friend Computer unfailingly and unquestioningly.

Some of the more common punishments include: no fun for a monthcycle (not even plain fun, much less hot or cold fun), go to your cubicle and think about what you did, talk backwards on pain of death, give everyclone you meet a great big hug, no holovids for a yearcycle. Of course, the most dreaded of all non-lethal punishments is (Forgive me, I can hardly bear to name it... yes, this punishment really IS that awful... most clones would rather be executed than suffer this punishment... *shudder* it's just too horrible to even want to think about! Dear me, I'm sorry! I'll compose myself now and finish telling you what it is, not that you don't already know. Yes, this most horrible punishment is...) being forced to eat some Brock-O-LIE.

Some sources say that Brock-O-LIE existed in Old Reckoning times, but this must clearly be wrong. As everyclone knows, Brock-O-LIE was a commie mutant traitor whose mutation turned him an odd greenish color. When he fought an intrepid troubleshooting team, he managed to fall into one of the food vats, effectively recycling his proteins. Due to his mutation, the food from that vat appears to be very nutritious and, in fact to pass the QwalitieStandard for complex foodstuffs. However, it's taste leaves much to be desired. Thus, Friend Computer in its wisdom has not allowed that particular food vat to ever be cleaned, and instead uses its output as a torture device.

While the food vat's output was originally green due to Brock-O-LIE's traiterous mutation, it has since been dyed into a black, sludgy paste, to make it more suitable for torturing low clearance clones. In fact, every batch appears to be more effective than the last at torture, since that particular food vat hasn't been cleaned in many yearcycles, and a number of other clones and various other substances have managed to contaminate the vat, giving most of that sector a unique musk. In particular, one very clumsy troubleshooting team managed to drop an entire vial of the experimental ChemiLuminoOxygrin (also called the "smiling molecule") into the Brock-O-LIE vat. Rumours of spontanious mutations arising from clones forced to eat Brock-O-LIE are considered to be even more treasonous than ordinary rumours.

Refs: ChemiLuminoOxygrin, QwalitieStandard

-- Omega-U-MAN-5


But what if the clones in question don't have [DELETED FOR SECURITY REASONS]? And what the hell are [DELETED FOR SECURITY REASONS]? This is an Ultraviolet report, you know; save that crap for the lower clearances. Or do you just plaster it on whenever your shrivelled, puny little brain doesn't want to think too hard?

Such fluff should be in HPD&MC with the rest of the airheads.


There seems to be some confusion about this. I say that we put that on there because that is literally what is put on the form. Any higher clearance clone who doesn't know what is being referred to needs to be executed so that we can do the memory transfer properly with the next clone. As I said, this has to be available to all clearance levels. So we figured that that description was better than just saying [DELETED FOR SECURITY REASONS] because anyclone can just kick them. However, we do execute any clone whose clearance is too low, should they guess what [DELETED FOR SECURITY REASONS] refers to, since they have obviously been exposed to knowledge beyond their clearance. We generally do this after encouraging them to kick that clone a few more times for good measure.

-- Omega-U-MAN-5

I assure you, Drake-U, that you, I, and every Citizen in Alpha Complex has a [DELETED FOR SECURITY REASONS].

-- Knok-U

Actually, friend Knok-U, that's not entirely true. When Troubleshooter Team Ten-T failed in all three of the missions I assigned them last monthcycle, I had their [DELETED FOR SECURITY REASONS] Deleted. You know... for Security Reasons.

-- Mesh-U

Your methodology shocks and appalls me, Mesh-U, and I would like to shake your hand for it. Perhaps we'll get to the bottom of this yet. Haha. Sorry, I apologize for that one. Guns down, please.

-- Knok-U

You may rest assured that I no longer have a [DELETED FOR SECURITY REASONS]. And my productivity has never been higher.

-- Jan-U

Indeed. I was the one who first ordered yours removed, no less, Jan-U. I'll have to go reread the paperwork during my break. Those were some good times. Good times...

-- Omega-U-MAN-5

Indeed, if by "ordered yours removed" you mean "supplied you with defective reactor shielding, causing irreversible radiation damage."

-- Jan-U

Ahhh, young love at its finest. It must be spring.

-- Knok-U-OUT-5

We don't have springcycle in Alpha Complex, citizen. Have you been hanging out with your Sierra Club buddies again?

-- Jan-U


2013-06-13 13:52