AUTHORIZATION:OUT:KNOK:B3:44:A0:FF PROXYBOT PP.680 ENGAGED
Hola, muchachos!
I'm Pepe the ProxyBot, fully-authorized digital assistant to High Programmer Knok-U-OUT-6, limitless dispenser of good advice, and your sexy sequential guide through the events which led up to, occurred during, and followed the crashtacular spectaclysm that was the Toothpaste_Disaster. Aye, caramba! Knok-U is very busy with his ongoing research for the main body of the report but he's put me to work on the existing entries to date, sorting through it all to provide him with some series-of-events notes to help him keep it all straight-- at least, as straight as it can be, considering the sheer volume of confusing and sometimes contradictory data you seem to be providing, hombres!
A few notes about this timeline:
It is Speculative, not Definitive! In other words, it is not intended as part of the final report, nor are its contents meant to supersede, in any way, the existing primary entries in the report. If I may say so myself, however, I think it is no less reasoned than some of the loco in the cabeza commentary y'all have been throwing at each other. Aye yai yai!
It is Subjective, not Objective! That is, Knok-U set me to work preparing it for his use in the latter half of the report effort, and as such, there may be places where events have been interpreted to support his particular opinions more than others'. If I was writing it for myself, a few things might be different, but you know Knok-U... Anyway, if you disagree strongly with my findings, you may certainly have your own ProxyBot work up a timeline of your own, or even write one out yourself by hand.
It is Ongoing, not Complete! The current version of this Timeline reflects what I think I know about the facts at the present time. The report itself is still in progress, si? So this related Timeline is necessarily also in progress. Also, as I examine and re-examine the existing data set, I will no doubt revise the Timeline to reflect my improved understanding.
It is a Timeline of Events, not a Map of Causality! As a result, there are muy significant entries from the report that are not represented, as their involvement-- though important-- isn't sequentially-based in the strictest sense of the word.
So here's how I think it happened!
Speculative Ongoing Subjective Timeline of Events
Version: 1.3.1
50 to 150 YEARS AGO
Earliest version of Party_Omega protocol.
Gatzmann demoted to BLUE and Terminated. Gatzmann_Archives created.
A young Jan-U is involved with the ill-fated B2 product.
Shortly after, B3 replaces B2 and remains Alpha's primary beverage for a very long time.
- First round of revisions and expansions to emergency protocols.
20 to 50 YEARS AGO
PopRox discovered during expansion of LIF Sector. (qv PopRox_Massacre)
LeadLike invented.
Great Rewrite begins on emergency protocols, including Party_Omega.
The Waxy_Disaster happens.
First sightings of Wyrms.
Inception of Xenoseptic_Fountain plan.
10 to 20 YEARS AGO
Best_Good_Happy_Sector_Hour Riots.
Original Lenin's_Tooth made as a decoy; destroyed not long after.
Vers-I treaty (qv Group_Assignment_Services_Exchange_Scheme_(GASES)) ends Power-Tech pogroms.
Standard PIC (qv Fire-and-Forgetpicks) issued to Troubleshooters.
Nefar-I-OUS-3 works on solving problem of long-term punishment of Commie_Mutant_Traitors.
Construction on Leaning_Tower_of_Treason begins.
Maxiofacial_Mandate begins.
QwalitieStandard for Baseline_Dental_Health established.
- PIC development reaches v1.6.6.
KorDrill7 built and left in HOL Sector.
Complex_Youth_Guidance_Program instituted and Al-B-GUD introduced.
6 TO 8 YEARS AGO
Humanist VIOLET_Supervisors conspiracy begins.
Jen-Y-COL invents RhinoKleen.
Flavor Riots lead to stated policy that the Thirty-one_Official_Flavors never change.
Xenoseptic_Fountain is built, fails disastrously, is retasked to other purposes.
Original BNG Sector maintenance request filed. (qv Sector_Decontamination_Request_429-79)
Krieg-G-EAR suspended from WhirledRON_Energy.
KriegsList begins.
New (smaller) Lenin's_Tooth possibly created; placed behind Gamma_Class_Security_Field.
5 YEARS AGO
Halle-B-RTN-4 takes control of KriegsList.
Project_Infinite_Hole conception phase.
Iron_Chef in testing; Knok-U on early tasting panel.
Earliest version of DebateIsFutileResolutionForm.
Great Rewrite is completed (qv Party_Omega).
4 YEARS AGO
Project_Infinite_Hole spins off several new Holistic_Medicines, including Acidophizz, Beta-Toxsystene, Diphenhydromegatoxine, and Omega-Hybrizine.
First season of "That Show Trial Show" (qv HUACAC) is an exposé on the WMD_(Warriors_of_Masked_Dentistry).
- Titelip-G-RIN-1 and 2 tasked with uncovering WMD; both fail.
Leaning_Tower_of_Treason begins operation; OUS_Sector_Cabal is formed.
Iron_Chef rollout, despite occasional mishaps.
3 YEARS AGO
Toothpasty_Supplement_#5 created from Beta-Toxsystene and put into use.
Iron_Chef accidentally supplied with TS-5 instead of real toothpaste base.
Second season of "That Show Trial Show" covers Unspeakable_Treason.
Infiltration of Kore Kommudants Kommittee leads League of Extreme Communism (qv League_of_Extraordinary_Dadaists) to go independent.
Construction begins on XOR-I/Ent_X-Press?
Old_Reckoning_Video_Entertainment_Archive_#949/GAG found by Vulture_Squadron_Bravo_9 in the Outdoors.
Alpha_Complexity attempts to replace Computer with their own AI.
Grac-I-OUS-4 terminated for leading original Low-Clearance_Rights_group.
Err-U begins decoy LoCR organization.
Project_Infinite_Hole is suspended pending cancellation.
2 YEARS AGO
- First Consumer Hour occurs.
- PIC 2.0 debuts.
Mandate to make Asimov circuitry smaller. (qv Asimov_Circuit_Miniaturization)
Third season of "That Show Trial Show" targets Roy-G-BIV.
OUS_Sector_Cabal breaks out of Leaning_Tower_of_Treason.
Make-U instructs R&D to work on solving impure fluid intake problem.
Project_Finite_Hole begins.
Glee_Quotas begin
First Joyometers developed by VPR_Sector R&D.
Google Gadgets develops original line of Denta-Bots.
Dogmatic disputes regarding Whole_Oral_Experience lead to Vending Wars.
BETWEEN 18 AND 24 MONTHS AGO
Project_Infinite_Hole revived and begins active rivalry with Project_Finite_Hole.
First Compulsory_Consumer_Hour
Glee_Quotas repealed.
Office of Designation On Hold moves; BNG maintenance request sent to Department for Prehension of Osteichthyes-based Odours. (qv Sector_Decontamination_Request_429-79)
VPR Sector destroyed in nuclear explosion. (qv Joyometers)
Laughing_Fun created by combination of Omega-Hybrizine and Happy Fun Ball.
First Codemonkeys (one, initially) begin producing results.
Snack Schooler survivors implement "mouthwash" requirement. (qv Zero_Tolerance_Mouthwash_Accident)
16 to 18 MONTHS AGO
CRY and BBY Sectors evacuated because of Wyrms
Syntelligent_Systems makes miniaturized Asimov Circuits and creates Electronic_Security_Measure_Capice.
PenBot demonstrates potential of new miniaturized Asimovs.
Group_Assignment_Services_Exchange_Scheme_(GASES) begins.
Alpha_Complex_Rifle_Association_(ACRA) begins FARTing personnel into TNT Chapstick_Factory.
Rivalry between Project_Infinite_Hole and Project_Finite_Hole escalates rapidly.
PIC 2.x design stolen by Open_Sores_Community.
B4 project underway.
Aural_Static_Taste_Enhancer underway.
Fire-and-Forgetpicks "released" as PIC 3.0.
Codemonkeys moved into vacant CRY and BBY Sectors, create Thirty-second_Flavor.
13 to 15 MONTHS AGO
B4 in testing, receiving positive response.
ADC is probably actually implemented (I believe).
ADC leads to beginning of Toothpasty Supplement #6 and Megadent development.
Fluoride additive placed in water supply by Brush-U as ADC Phase 2. (qv Fluoride_Incident)
- Dark days of confusion follow, ultimately corrected by psychobots.
NOTE: ADC claimed to have begun "four monthcycles ago" in some circumstances. May be someone feeding commission bad information, or simply confused memories caused by those days of fluoride-induced hallucination. Dursch-U seems to remember fluoride incident happening at least nine months earlier than this, though no objective factual info exists in the report.
ItemsInQuestion placed in hiding.
Ging-I-VTS-5 sabotages power to Project_Infinite_Hole.
Long-lost BNG maintenance request upgraded to Sector_Decontamination_Request_429-79
- Casualties ensue; threat assessment procedures are tightened.
Thirty-second_Flavor's flavor-changing ability discovered; Codemonkeys terminated.
Brush-U pulls plug on B4.
Mouthwash requirement extended to all fluids. (qv Zero_Tolerance_Mouthwash_Accident)
Flo-U-RID-3 suspends Property_Value_(Computer)_Units market.
KriegsList shut down.
12 MONTHS / 1 YEAR AGO
Hostilities against Fire-and-Forgetpicks declared officially ended.
Defective_Batch_ACA675T09-XXXX caused at Syntelligent Systems as retaliation for Electronic Security Measure Capice.
The Defective Batch gets in Peps-O Denta-Bots, Robobraces, Flossbot_Mk_II, and CyberChomp_4000s.
Committee_IC48934-Q23-HX45 misroutes a variety of gear to COL Sector and loses track of some Defective Batch Asimovs.
CyberHack_Programming_Helmet is created, apparently with Defective Batch circuits.
Earliest Helmet_Of_Education also made; confusingly similar to Cyberhack.
Head of Project_Infinite_Hole tries to use CHPH to reduce PIH/PFH rivalries.
Easter_Bunny_Device nearing completion; Megadent deployed.
11 MONTHS AGO
Population moved back into CRY and BBY Sectors, despite having been fouled by Codemonkeys.
Thirty-second_Flavor-induced incidences of Spontaneous_Mutation_Syndrome begin.
Paris-I-LTN encounters Flossbot_Mk_II.
How-R-YOU-2 infiltrates DYT Sector Communist Cell.
- Fourth season of "That Show Trial Show" begins with the "Dentifrice Calamity".
Kaleidoscope_Conspiracy wanders into COL Sector; Knok-U sells property.
Halle-B-RTN-4 attempts theft of CyberHack_Programming_Helmet; CHPH and its wearer go missing.
Easter_Bunny_Device deployed to retrieve CHPH; still at large.
Thylacine interacts with VatSlime annual bloom in the Zero_Tolerance_Mouthwash_Accident.
10 MONTHS AGO / WEEKS AND DAYS BEFORE DISASTER
Project_Infinite_Hole vs. Project_Finite_Hole starts back up again.
Exercise_Pills deployed in HLK_sector.
Im_w/stupid dance craze sweeps Complex.
CyberChomp_4000s are everywhere.
Jelloidal_InterNode_Exchange_(JINx) installed between COL and RON Sectors.
- Borscht-related grafitti in DYT Sector
Discovery of Borscht_Generator and Jamming_Equipment on DYT Sector pipeline.
TTT transports carrying Whitener_Compounds go missing; Arm & Hammer Group infiltrated. (qv Arm_&_Hammer_Infiltration_Report)
Transbot Acceleration Infinitesimal_Mega-Hydraulic_Drive_Apparatus prototype tested on Alternative_Troubleshooter_Team_Insertion_Conduit_(ATTIC) near RON Sector.
Demolition_Order_#32A/74-43491 issued; demolished items shipped into RON Sector reactor cores.
DAY OF THE DISASTER
Project_Infinite_Hole personnel sabotage the Alternative_Troubleshooter_Team_Insertion_Conduit_(ATTIC).
PopRox arrive in RON Sector.
COL_gate_incident happens and many Emergency_Disaster_Response_Teams are tied up in dealing with it.
JINx breaks down from Bile_Suppressant; Sea_Water floods through affected Sectors.
Denta-Bots chew through normal Toothpasty_Supplement_#5 pipes, leading to supply bottleneck.
TS-5 bottlenecks lead to emergency routing via (sabotaged) ATTIC to supply Megadents.
PopRox_Massacre explosion.
LAST HOURS BEFORE DISASTER
Toothpasty Transbot ATTIC crash in RON Sector leads to Four_Reactor_Foam_Flood.
- Loss of Power to ROC, RON, ROD, and ROM Sectors.
RED-Clearance_Revolution makes failed attempt to steal Little_Red_Disk.
Project_Infinite_Hole ordered conclusively cancelled; nearly everyone involved immediately FARTs out and denies all knowledge or involvement.
Fire-and-Forgetpicks possibly detected in TNT Sector.
- Loss of Power to TNT Sector. Presumably also Loss of Power to CRY, BBY, COL, other Sectors?
PEAK DISASTER CONFUSION
Flo-U-RID-3 is overkilled.
Possible theft attempt on Lenin's_Tooth, by League of Extreme Communism or others.
LAH Sector units ordered to stand down; Unidentified_Contractors show up.
Evere-V-ENS-6 sends Al-B-GUD to VED Sector
Al disappears, possibly killed by Vulture_Squadron_Bravo_9.
KorDrill7 is stolen.
AFTERMATH: FIRST HOURS AND DAYCYCLES AFTER
- GASES cancelled; all Citizens frozen in current Service Firm positions and Sectors of residence.
Reduction of dental supplies in CRY and BBY by Make-U.
Batclone appears and the ToothpasteRebellion occurs.
ItemsInQuestion are found.
- Armed Forces massacres CRY and BBY Sectors.
Ultimabrite_Cleansing occurs at and around Emergency Reserve Depot RUN3A (Obsolete) for two daycycles.
AFTERMATH: 9 MONTHS AGO / UP TO 1 MONTH AFTER PEAK
Men_in_Infrared begin training.
KorDrill7 is activated in LOK Sector.
18 additional reactors taken offline, including Nuclear_Facility_RON-372/B.
3000% price spike in power prices goes into WhirledRON_Energy pockets.
ULTRAVIOLET_Massacre occurs.
Supposedly instigated by Roy-G-BIV using stolen Information_Distortion CA/RD; likely spurious claim.
DebateIsFutileResolutionForm is redesigned as a result.
KriegsList-related evidence is lost as a result.
Action_Squad_Alpha is formed as a result.
2 to 3 MONTHS AFTER PEAK
League_of_Extraordinary_Dadaists appears and publishes Manifesto_Out_of_Space_and_Time.
Action_Squad_Alpha Documentaries released.
Some RON-372/B fissile material found to have been missing; Action_Squad_Alpha investigates and goes missing as well.
APPROX. 4 MONTHS AGO
ADC "officially" begins.
"Developing_A_Better_Complex" produced to tout benefits of ADC.
Ken-U allowed to spend ill-gotten WhirledRON_Energy finances.
"RECENTLY"
Superconductive_Solution_SIGMA official rollout.
As far as I know, I've tackled and solved (a mi propia satisfacción) the placement of everything that seems to connect together. Until such time as this report is finally locked, sealed, and delivered to Friend Computer, however, I welcome suggestions, corrections, reminders, flowers, and the like.
For now, this is Pepe the ProxyBot saying, adios, amigos!
PROXYBOT PP.680 DISENGAGED
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