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The origin of the word "chapstick" has been debated for many yearcycles; a long-standing theory suggested it hails from the Old Reckoning and was some sort of reference to those mercenaries of legend, the "Cowboys".

However, the recent dissolution of the infamous Pearly_Whites_Tea_Club (and the dozens of exhaustive interrogations which followed) has thrown new light on the subject. Apparently, a particularly talkative member of the now-defunct "club" was well-known for his irritating affectation of insisting that fellow vat-workers (and club members) call him "old chap". This continued until the morning when he fell into a vat of Protective Sealant #2. Instead of halting vat operation immediately and requesting his replacement clone, his peers decided to let him blend into the mix for a while, enjoying the first silence they'd had in a long time. When the vat mixture was poured into the Protective Sealant Applicator molds, one of the workers held one up and said, "Anyone care for an Old Chap Stick?"

Of course the entire shift was executed-- for allowing a vat to continue operation with an incorrect content mix, for failing to report the loss of a clone in a timely fashion, and for handling Protective Sealant without prior approval from a RED Clearance supervisor-- but the "old chap stick" joke apparently found its way back into the core of the Pearly_Whites_Tea_Club and from there it spread into common usage. Now, any applicator device containing a congealed sealant of any sort is known as a "chapstick". This can be somewhat confusing, of course, as there are some sixty-one models of applicator in use and over two hundred commonly-used sealant products-- with uses ranging from medical to radiological, from Outdoor operations to electronic retrofitting, for use internally, externally, and even remotely. Ask a requisition clerk for a "chapstick" and you never know quite what you'll get-- hence the well-known Troubleshooter saying, Always check that chapstick.

As pertains to the Toothpaste_Disaster, the relevant Protective Sealant Production Center ("Chapstick Factory") in question is that of TNT Sector. This facility had been turned away from its legitimate operation and was secretly being used by the Alpha_Complex_Rifle_Association_(ACRA) to produce napalm for some as-yet unidentified third party. The TNT Sector Chapstick Factory was destroyed (along with its stockpiles of napalm) in the events of the Toothpaste_Disaster and it is possible that, at least in part, the Disaster was precipitated specifically to eliminate evidence of the identity of the third party for whom the napalm was intended.

The RED Clearance Shift Supervisor of this particular Chapstick Factory, during its period of treasonous use, was Vegeta-R-IAN-3. Officially a member of PLC, I personally suspect her to have been a transfer from Armed Forces, exploiting her former military connections and expertise to assist the Alpha_Complex_Rifle_Association_(ACRA) with its activities. Unfortunately, her prior service records-- like the production center itself-- were destroyed.

Vegeta-R-IAN-4, it bears pointing out, disavowed any knowledge of her predecessor's activities, assured her processo board that she was always part of PLC, and claimed to have never heard of the Alpha_Complex_Rifle_Association_(ACRA). She was slated for termination anyway, of course, and requested, as her last meal, her own body weight in Toe-Fu. This wish was foolishly granted and, naturally, when the Internal Security guards arrived in the morning to take her to the Termination Center, they found, in the cell's bunk, not Vegeta-R-IAN-4, but a mass of Toe-Fu carved to look (and, even worse, feel) virtually identical to her.

She is currently at large, but is not considered particularly dangerous.

-- Knok-U-OUT-5

Refs: Pearly_Whites_Tea_Club, Vegeta-R-IAN-3


Toe-Fu is not an approved substance in Alpha Complex! Its manufacture has not been authorized in any PLC Service Firm! Historical records demonstrate its Communist origin! Who is responsible for this?!??

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

A good question and one which I have wasted no time in pursuing. Fortunately, the answer is not long in coming, and is clearly noted on Temporary Consumable De-Prohibition Form CC7-AF3/ The authorization came from Hippy-V-GAN-4. Doesn't Hippy-V's cloneline work for you, Jan-U? I know I've seen your predecessor, Jan-U-ARY-30, countersigning approval on copies of Hippy-V-GAN-3's classic works, SuperSize This! and Kwik-Food Komplex.

-- Knok-U-OUT-5

Interesting. I've pulled the master copy of Temporary Consumable De-Prohibition Form CC7-AF3/ and run a full forensic signature analysis. According to my analysis, Hippy-V's signature was forged by none other than Frame-R-UPP-4! I see that Frame-R has attempted yet another of her dastardly schemes!

-- Jan-U


2013-06-13 13:52