Extract from AlphaNet Medical Resource Datanode, 192.763nd Edition, Ultraviolet Appendices 354/12c:
Full medi-def of: Diphenhydromegatoxine
Why is this medication prescribed?
Diphenhydromegatoxine, a Friend Computer-approved, all-natural, biogenetical-remodulated, sugar-free panacea, relieves bloating, seeping, weeping, purulence, pustulence and suppuration. It also may relieve itching, scratching, scraping, shedding, sloughing and subdermal bleeding resulting from: excessive exposure to mild radiation sources (such as might be experienced while serving Friend Computer while working in a Power Services Active_Waste_Management crew); full immersion in Algae of Grade XII plus; consumption of more than three gallons of Cold Fun, two pints of SmileTime_Mood_Enhancement_Serum_(with_Tartar_Control), or three drops of Acidophizz.
This medication is sometimes prescribed for other uses; acceptance of the superior medical knowledge of your assigned DocBot is mandatory, and you should - of course - consume the medicinal supplement, and ask for seconds, without question.
How should this medicine be used?
Diphenhydromegatoxine comes in tablet, capsule, liquid, suppository, pellet, and .308 caliber form. It is generally taken only once a daycycle, and it has been observed that a second dose is rarely necessary. Diphenhydromegatoxine can be taken, or administered, at any time - though recipients of the medication may prefer to be sitting or lying down, and restraints, along with something to bite down hard on, are recommended for optimum comfort.
What special precautions should I follow?
Before taking diphenhydromegatoxine,
- tell your direct workstation supervisor, friends, siblings and associates (security clearance allowing)
- tell your siblings where you have left anything important that they might need to assist in clearing your name, just in case something unexpected might happen totally unrelated to the treatment
you should know that this drug may cause mild drowsiness, moderate muscular spasms and some internal bleeding (within recorded human tolerances). Do not drive an autocar, transtube or omnicycle; operate heavy machinery, TacNuke weaponry or Hot Fun vending units; or consume in combination with Toothpasty_Supplement_#5, Flouride, prune-derivatives, and any artificially produced dietary supplement beginning with C through R
- be mindful that Bouncy Bubble Beverage may enhance the effectiveness of this drug and should be consumed in moderation following administration of the medicinal supplement
What should I do if I forget a dose?
Consider yourself lucky. Given the standard invasive administration techniques used by DocBots Model III, and below, most Citizens would not get a second chance.
What side effects can this medication cause?
Although side effects from diphenhydromegatoxine are not common, they can occur. Tell your DocBot if any of these symptoms are severe or do not go away:
- loss of feeling in (or just plain loss of) extremities
- violent scalp spasms followed by projectile loss of hair
- spontaneous child birth (this should be considered a particularly severe side effect in the case of Clones of the masculine gender)
If you experience any of the following symptoms, call your DocBot immediately:
vision problems (clairvoyence may suggest Latent_Mutation_Suppressant_Deficiency that requires the immediate attention of Friend Computer)
- difficulty not urinating
- excitement (more so than might be expected from the average Citizen)
nervousness (see excitement)
What storage conditions are needed for this medicine?
Keep this medication in the container it came in, tightly closed, and out of reach of anyone of Security Clearance Orange or lower. Store it at 100 degrees below zero in a lead lined casket and away from excessive sources of moisture, solar flares or radiation. Should the medication become outdated or no longer needed, contact your local Vulture Squadron headquarters or HPD and Mind Control sub-branch for safe disposal. A disposal team will be dispatched with due urgency and the item will be removed, followed by a thorough cleansing of the location it was stored in, using non-invasive napalm deployment techniques.
What other information should I know?
Do not let anyone else take your medication. Keep all appointments with your DocBot. Diphenhydromegatoxine conforms to Alpha Complex QwalitieStandard 6344234DD/#77 in all respects, including adherence to the Zeta_Vector_Principle. Stay Alert. Trust No One. Keep Your Laser Handy (security clearance and appropriate requisition forms, permitting).
Regarding storage of Diphenhydromegatoxine in lead-lined caskets: are LeadLike-lined containers sufficient? If we start pushing DPHMT to a wider (that is, lower-Clearance) class of users, we're going to need a lot of storage, and real lead has been in short supply ever since Johnn-Y-WOO-6 used up all that slugthrower ammo making Mission Inconceivable IV. LeadLike, on the other hand, PLC has in spades.
I have suggested exactly such a change of the text to Friend Computer, in the interest of positive resource management. I am glad to see we are in like minds in this respect.
What about recycled reactor shielding? We can always strip down Nuclear_Facility_RON-372/B for parts. Of course it's radioactive, but I'm sure that our good friends in R&D can work that out.
Has anyone researched what happens when diphenhydromegatoxine is exposed to strong radiation without adequate shielding, as almost certainly happened in RON sector?
Well, in Power's experience, there's strong suggestions that DPHMT exposed to such conditions begins to recombine (on a molecular level) into what certain staffers have suggested seems suspiciously like some form of life. Naturally, however, these are not controlled laboratory conditions and all such samples have been sent to the relevant R&D departments for further experimentation.