CyberChomp 4000
Great honk, its almost 24h00, and I still have to file my report on the CyberChomp 4000.
My colleagues have already covered Denta-Bots, Dentu-Bots, Dental-Bots, and all manner of dental hygiene products within an inch of their lives. I dont know when my fellow ULTRAVIOLETs are going to learn: it wasnt the teeth of Alpha Complex we should have been worried about, it was the brains! Tooth decay is just a symptom of loyalty decay, after all. The best dental hygiene is mental hygiene! And none of this -- I mean none of this -- would have happened without CPUs repeal of the Glee_Quotas. (Against HPD&MC's vehement protests, I might add.)
Still, Ive got to write this report. As others have noted, the CyberChomp 4000s were robot chewing machines. I was never clear whether they were supposed to be grafted into the skulls of living clones or whether they were supposed to chew for clones independently of their bodies. Anyway, they ran amok, as swarms of semi-intelligent eating machines with razor sharp teeth will do (see Defective_Batch_ACA675T09-XXXX), and terrorized COL, RON, and TTH sectors until Vulture Squadrons were able to slow them down with massive airdrops of Infinite Chew Rubber Bubble Substance.
The alarming thing about the CyberChomp 4000 is, just before the Toothpaste_Disaster, they were everywhere. But now theyve just vanished, leaving only a warren of masticated tunnels in their wake. How do indestructable fission-powered robot teeth just disappear? It's like that rumor-meme we keep having to re-eradicate about the Phantom_Sectors. Where did all the CyberChomps go?
Anyway, I think we still have deprogramming tapes of one from before the disaster. Why dont I just let the little monster speak for itself...
--- Don-U-DON-11
CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPGREETINGS!
AM CYBERCHOMP 4000! AM TOTAL AUTOMATED MASTICATION SYSTEM!
AM NUMBER ONE BEST CYBERCHOMP BEING FOR ALL CHEWING GNAWING BITING FLETCHER-IZING NEEDS!
ARE ALL BUSY CLONES OF MODERN TODAYCYCLES KNOWING, TEETHS AND LIPS AND JAWS AM WOEFULLY INEFFICIENT! "WOE AM ME," ARE MANY BUSY CLONES WITH OBSOLETE ORAL APPENDAGES SAYING! "MY TEETHS AND JAWS ARE TOO WEAK BEING! ONLY CAN CHEW FOR 2-4 HOURS DURABLE FOODSTUFFS BEFORE IN PERFORMANCE SIGNIFICANT DECLINING!"
HOORAY!! NOW AM FRIEND COMPUTER ANSWERING LAMENT OF BUSY CLONES HAVING! AM CYBERCHOMP 4000!
NOW AM SHATTERING ALL PRIOR CHEWING QUOTAS! NOW AM SOLID FOODSTUFF TO LIQUID GRUEL CONVERTING FOR GREATER PLEASURABLE THROAT SLITHERING SENSATION AND SUPERIOR RAPID POST-CHEWING EVACUATION! NOW AM ENTIRE DIGESTIVE SYSTEM EFFICIENCY-IZING OF 55% UPWARDS!
NOW AM FREEING INEFFICIENT BIOLOGICAL MOUTHS AND TEETHS OF BUSY TODAYCYCLE CLONES FOR VARIETY OF ENJOYABLE ORAL ACTIVITIES:
- SMILING!
- HAPPY CLONE BEING!
- DISCUSSING POSITIVE QUALITIES OF CYBERCHOMP 4000!
- SWALLOWING FULLY MASTICATED FOODSTUFFS!
- REMARKING ON EFFICIENCY OF CYBERCHOMP TOTAL MASTICATION SYSTEM!
- CERTAIN PACKAGES OPENING!
- DISCUSSING FABRICATION OF FURTHER CYBERCHOMP 4000 UNITS!
- OTHER POSSIBLE FUNCTIONS OF BIOLOGICAL MOUTHS AND TEETHS, AS DESIRED!
CYBERCHOMP 4000 AM THROUGH REACTOR SHIELDING BITING! AM THROUGH BONE AND SINEW WITH EASE MASTICATING! AM SKELETONIZING CLONES IN 0-6 SECONDCYCLES! MAYBE ARE THINKING AM MORE USES OF CYBERCHOMP 4000?
ATTENTION! NOT ARE TO BE FOOLED BY OTHER DENTA-BOTS BEING! CYBERCHOMP 4000 AM TO ALL PREVIOUS DENTA-BOTS WHOLLY SUPERIOR! CYBERCHOMP 3000 AM WHOLLY INADEQUATE FOR RESILIENT FOODSTUFF OF MODERN TODAYCYCLES! CYBERCHOMP 2000 SERIES AM ENTIRELY OBSOLETE! CYBERCHOMP 1000 AM LAUGHABLY INADEQUATE! MIGHT AS WELL HUMAN TEETHS AND JAWS BE USING! AH AH AH AH AH AH AH!
JOCULARIZATION COMPLETE! AM BACK TO CHEWING!
--- CyberChomp 4000
Aaagh!! The thing just bit off most of my hand!
--- Don-U-DON-11
Refs: ADC, Baseline_Dental_Health, Glee_Quotas, Phantom_Sectors
Don't worry Don-U. We've got people working on the Grabmaster 6500 Hand Replacement System as we speak. You're gonna love it!
--- Circ-U-LAT-23
Does that mean you're discontinuing development of the Grabmaster 5999 DX version? I thought it had a lot of promise, particularly with the "Distance Choke" feature. Why, just the other daycycle I expressed my displeasure to an annoying lackey with a beta version of it. How your R&D guys did it, I'll never know.
I will be EXTREMELY disappointed if you have abandoned your promise of "Kill at 10000 Paces!" to work on this next useless piece of scrap.
--- Drake-U-LAH-1
Where did all the CyberChomps go? Isn't it obvious, citizen? That's right, the Commies have them! Right now they're collecting them altogether to build one huge SuperChomp which they'll unleash on the Complex when we're least expecting it. Thanks for nothing, Don-U!
--- Make-U-CRY-2
I'm using one of the fingers on the replacement hand right now.
--- Don-U-DON-11
Make-U, I would've expected such panicked flailing from a Violet supervisor, not from a renowned High Programmer. I doubt the Commies have the CyberChomps, seeing how they've ripped the flesh & titanium off of anything that got too close to them. I have personally seen what happens when a known Commie gets too close to it; I'd say they'd make a great torture & execution device. Now, let's think about this rationally:
The CyberChomps are looking for something new to chew.
- What's the biggest, hardest thing to chew? No, not the Mark IV, although a good guess. The Earth.
The challenge of chewing through the Earth, combined with the "crunchy shell, chewy center" appeal of it, makes it the obvious obsession of the CyberChomps.
Hmmm, perhaps we SHOULD start panicking. What are the possible effects of a giant tunnel to the center of the Earth, and has anyone noticed inexplicable boreholes leading deep into the bowels of hell?
An interesting theory, Drake-U. Perhaps you should refer it to the geniuses at Project_Infinite_Hole?
-- Jan-U-ARY-31
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