Little Red Disk

Before I get to the Little Red Disk, let me just say this: there has been a lot of mud slung around here about Information_Distortion and Viral_Thought_Patterns and the like. It sounds like some Service Groups think they know better than HPD&MC how to control the hearts, minds, and spleens of Alpha Complex. But when they get their sticky fingers in our brains (see Helmet_Of_Education) it only ends up in tears (see Neuro-Cascade_Failure) or treason (see CyberHack_Programming_Helmet). Maybe some of you should go back to your SlideruleBots and leave the mysteries of the mind to the experts, hmm?

Viral ideas would be easy to contain if clones would just follow Safe Thinking Practices: Do not contemplate any ideas you receive from an unknown, suspicious, or untrustworthy source. Do not think about anything you receive by AlphaMail even if it appears to come from a friend or someone you know. Do not think about strangers. Confess important thoughts on a regular basis to the Computer or authorized Mind Control officer so they can be retrieved in case of infection. When in doubt, err on the side of caution and do not think about anything at all.

Now then. The Little Red Disk, as you should all know, was thought to be crawling with Viral_Thought_Patterns of the most pernicious kind. That’s why it was entrusted to the care of HPD&MC’s Idea Containment Unit shortly before the Toothpaste_Disaster. So cool your jets, everyone. The disk hasn’t vanished at all: it’s in our ICU, where it’s been safely quarantined all this time. I believe Brush-U is supervisor over there. You must have missed the memo we sent out about it in the confusion of the Disaster.

Obviously, we at HPD&MC are old hands at dealing with bad ideas. Among the virulent memes we have recently identified and quarantined: Gigglespeek, Compulsive Hysterical Sobbing (types I and III), the 1_KN0W_U_R_BU7_WH@7_M_1? virus, Pig Latin, the Creation of Punny Names and Acronyms, and Playa Hatin’. Not to mention dozens of unauthorized catch phrases. The Little Red Disk should have been perfectly safe in the ICU. All precautions were taken so that no thoughts or ideas could get in or out.

However! Surviving members of the RED-Clearance_Revolution cell who attempted to steal the Disk during the Four_Reactor_Foam_Flood demonstrated unusual activities during subsequent interrogation by Special_Brain_Freshening_Unit_K. After they were hosed down repeatedly to remove toxic foams, some of the RED Revolution traitors complained of muscle aches, “tickles” in the throat, and fever. Once interrogation proper began, several of the impudent traitors ejected mucus from their sinuses. Even when given a direct order to stop by a higher clearance citizen, they persisted in sneezing and coughing—evidence of extremely powerful brainwashing!

Worse yet! When Unit K had left the Idea Containment Unit, team members also demonstrated leakage from their sinuses, red watery eyes, and unauthorized sniffles. We immediately suspected the traitors had exposed them to treasonous ideas during interrogation. But the Thought Bafflers were unbreached, and everyone present had been massively dosed with cognition dampening medicines (see Omega-Hybrizine and Xynonull, although I won't lie to you, we actually just took the Xynonull for fun). I guarantee, there was no danger of anyone at HPD&MC having anything close to an original idea that day!

There is only one possible conclusion. Commie mutant traitors have developed Viral_Thought_Patterns so virulent, so heinous, that they can spread not only through software or even ideas but also through some mysterious biological process. It sounds fantastic, but there is no other explanation.

We took swift action to contain this “bio-virus.” A special edu-taining vid-documentary entitled The Sneeze… of Treason! was edited together from stock footage (see Zapr-U-DER_Film). Duct tape was issued to all citizens of Yellow clearance or higher; scotch tape was issued to all Red and Orange citizens; Infrareds were given thumbtacks, which in retrospect was not a terrific idea. All four communal toothbrushes for sectors ROC through RON were recalled and rinsed under hot running water. No monkeys, code or otherwise, (see Codemonkeys) were allowed to leave or enter the quarantined sectors. Still the contamination spread, with consequences that are now all too familiar to us all.

Now, I ask you: what Viral Thought Pattern, encoded on the Little Red Disk, could have spread in such a sinister fashion, moving invisibly through Alpha Complex, striking down loyal citizens without warning? The answer is plain: Communism.

I blame Power Services.

-- Don-U-DON-11

References: Codemonkeys, CyberHack_Programming_Helmet, Four_Reactor_Foam_Flood, Gigglespeek, Helmet_Of_Education, Information_Distortion, Neuro-Cascade_Failure, Omega-Hybrizine, RED-Clearance_Revolution, Special_Brain_Freshening_Unit_K, Viral_Thought_Patterns, Xynonull, Zapr-U-DER_Film.

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