Codemonkeys

Another example of a perfectly good R&D project, ruined by the incompetence of small-minded bureaucrats.

It all began one afternooncycle, when I was enjoying a sensible algae lunch with noted CPU researcher Err-U-DYT-9 in the High Programmer Cafeteria/Karaoke Lounge. Err-U, as usual, was quite frustrated by what he perceived as the "substandard quality of code implementation" in many critical CPU subsystems. "Some of the code in there is so badly written," Err-U confided, "it could have been better written by a damn monkey!" I considered this for a moment, then replied: "I think we should put that theory to the test!"

While most clones in the Alpha Complex believe that the Monkey was a mythological creature, much like the Leprechaun or the Jesus, the Gatzmann_Archives tell us differently. Not only did monkeys exist in the Old Reckoning, roaming freely through the corridors and discotheques, but they were capable of creating great works of art and literature (under the right circumstances)! Conveniently, the Gatzmann_Archives also had genetic data for these wondrous creatures. Though Old Reckoning genetic scans tended to be rather primitive and incomplete, I was able to fill in the blanks and build a complete simian GeneScan_Image that was compatible with R&D's advanced Cloning Vats.

So was the first Codemonkey born. Again consulting the Gatzmann_Archives, I determined that this creature would be most productive if I provided it with a data entry station that was tied into a nutritional supplement distribution unit. Simply put, if the monkey wanted to eat, she had to type. Initial results were poor. It took two monthcycles before she even created one line of usable code. However, I figured this was merely a problem of scale. Like so many problems in life, I determined that this obstacle could be overcome by producing more monkeys. Lots more monkeys. Since the CRY and BBY sectors had recently been vacated (see the Batclone entry), I moved dedicated cloning vats into those sectors, along with thousands of data entry stations/nutritional distribution units.

Once we had a thriving population of 500,000 codemonkeys, the code started rolling in! Even though half the code appeared to be crude attempts to hack the nutritional supplement distribution system, Err-U assured me that the rest of it was high quality and useful code. Score another success for R&D!

It was at this point that some anonymous busybody "busted" us for feeding the CM's non-regulation supplements - they were formulated specifically for the simian palette and therefore deviated from the Thirty-one_Official_Flavors. PLC was instructed to switch the supplements being distributed to CRY and BBY sectors. The Codemonkeys did not take well to the Official Flavors, to say the least. In an act of protest, the CMs conspired to create the treasonous Thirty-second_Flavor - which many believe was *the* fundamental catalyst that set the Toothpaste Disaster in motion. Needless to say, all codemonkeys were terminated shortly thereafter. What a waste.

-- Circ-U-LAT-23

Refs: GeneScan_Image, Thirty-second_Flavor, Gatzmann_Archives, Batclone

Commentary:

And to think that the Thirty-second_Flavor was, in fact, on the list of Approximately Two Hundred and Thirty-Seven Semi-Official Flavors Under Consideration! Had the codemonkeys only followed proper procedure, their flavor might have been granted official status within nine to eighteen monthcycles.

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

Circ-U: Your persistence in attempting to construct something of use with data from the Gatzmann_Archives was...quite persistent. While I am flattered by your considering me a colleague in your enthusiastic endeavor, I must confess to being quite startled at how you'd taken my offhand comment when you arrived with the first transbot-load of code.

I promise you that if my assurances of useful code production were merely a diversion to keep you occupied while anonymously reporting your failure to adhere to known flavor standards, I would vigorously refrain from denying such activity.

--Err-U-DYT-9

Well, I suppose in the spirit of full disclosure, I should tell you that I never let you see any of the real Codemonkey work product, Err-U. Not a single line. The stuff I sent you was actually generated by a colony of Code-Amoebas in a little dish on my desk (I always knew I'd find a use for those tiny, industrious little fellows!) Sorry, but the real code generated by the Codemonkeys was far too valuable to allow you to mischaracterize in another one of your inflammatory reports. The code in question was sold to an Armed Forces subgroup that has found a number of fascinating uses for it.

-- Circ-U-LAT-23

So, Citizen Circ-U-LAT-23... you are saying (and this is already on the record) that you deliberately misled an Ultraviolet clearance citizen, a fellow High Programmer? I find it odd that you failed to mention the eventual disposition of this code in your formal analysis of this issue. Whom else have you misled about this? I think it is important that we document this for the panel.

-- Mesh-U

Thank you for your interest, Mesh-U. Actually, what is on the record is that I told Err-U about the existence of the Codemonkeys project and that I brought him some code for analysis. At no point did I tell our mutual friend from DYT sector that the code I sent him had actually been produced by the Codemonkeys, nor did I stipulate to that effect in the record. If Err-U made a false assumption regarding the origin of that code, that is unfortunate. As they say, "When you ASSUME you make a UME out of AS and S."

-- Circ-U-LAT-23

So, you're assessment of the Codemonkeys project as "a success for R&D" was based on Err-U's analysis of the code output from a completely different project?

-- Mesh-U

No, my assessment of the Code-Amoebas project as a success was based on that analysis. My assessment of the success of the Codemonkeys project was based on the lucrative sale of their work product to the aforementioned Armed Services subgroup. So, perhaps I should have said "Score another *TWO* successes for R&D!" Mea Culpa. Now, while I would love nothing more than to continue quibbling over the facts of this report, I seem to have been issued an extra DebateIsFutileResolutionForm this month. Since allowing it to languish on my desk would be wasteful, I have gone ahead and filled it out. Well... I had the Amoebas fill it out for me. I love those guys!

-- Circ-U-LAT-23

Referenced by:

LexiconCD