Whilst certain narrow-minded High Programmers (no names, Servs-U) were determined to fight tooth decay using traditional methods of tartar control and algae management, I discovered that the problem was far more sinister than mere unchecked plaque growth. Commies were at the heart of the dental hygiene crisis within Alpha Complex. After all, you only had to look at the problems with the PasteBot to see that. ADC certainly was going to cut it, either.
My contacts in Internal Security informed me that commie filth had been sabotaging toothbrush production. All throughout the Complex, toothbrushes with flimsy fibres and inadequate paste control were being issued. Rounding up the culprits was a job for IntSec but I was determined to do something about the problem of feeble tooth hygiene implements. The operation was called Codename: Ironbrush.
With some assistance from R&D, we came up with a far superior toothbrush ? effective, great tasting and generally impossible to mistake for the commie version. Made from Uri-Glutonium332 fibres softened in ColdFun, the toothbrush was an instant success with the testers. 93.5% of testers were found to have perfectly glowing white teeth after only 3 weekcycles of use, whilst the remaining 6.5% were executed for refusing to take part in the trial. Indeed, the team were finally getting around to tackling the minor weight, production cost and excess radiation problems when the Toothpaste_Disaster struck.
-- Make-U-CRY-2
refs: PasteBot; ADC; Uri-Glutonium332; Toothpaste_Disaster.
Commentary:
This was YOUR bad idea, Make-U? Didn't you know that radiation poisoning is the number-one cause of tooth-loss in certain sections of the citizen population, mostly in Power Services and R&D? And this doesn't even BEGIN to address the potential problems encountered when you expose Cold Fun to radiation. I'm not sure if you're aware of it, but several yearcycles ago, we lost several troubleshooter teams dealing with a batch of irradiated Cold Fun, now shudderingly refered to as "The Blob". And just to make things worse, I'm almost certain that Uri-Glutonium332 is NOT one of the Thirty-one_Official_Flavors, and therefore, almost by definition, cannot be "great tasting"... Although the residual Cold Fun no doubt gave them at least a somewhat happy flavor. I've always been partial to Cold Fun.
-- Mesh-U-GNA-1
I hardly call a first-line 93.5% success rate a bad idea, Mesh-U. Anyway, I'm quite sure your comments have nothing to do with the fact that you weren't invited to take part in the tests and therefore help ensure your mouth against commie inflitration.
-- Make-U-CRY-2
It should be noted that when Make-U calls it a "first-line" 93.5% success rate, he's being very literal. This statistic is present in the first line of the "Results" section of the Experimental Hygiene Report for this project. What Make-U coyly declines to mention is that the second line notes that after 4 weeks, 99% of that 93.5% suffered from a 100% decrease in number of teeth. Since this could technically be called a Total_Oral_Cleansing under the Baseline_Dental_Health standards, it was reported as a success.
-- Servs-U
Mesh-U: Uri-Glutonium332 is not a flavor. It is a substance. The flavoring of the end product created with this substance is not referenced by the entry.
Referencing the relevant documentation for the Ironbrush project is a simple matter, and some quick correlation determines that production plans were filed under the category of "Hygiene Assistance Device", making the Thirty-one_Official_Flavors completely irrelevant. (See Bile_Suppressant for commentary on the relevance of purpose to flavor requirements.) All such paperwork is in order, with the exception of two sub-forms filed improperly by citizen Yargh-O-GNK-5, who has already been executed for treason. The misfiled sub-forms have since been re-filed properly.
Do your research, man! What is the Complex coming to when a High Programmer can't sngfrk the wark of a tomp whtgl?!?
-- Err-U-DYT-9
Pardon me. I sometimes get a bit...worked up...over the failings of others, particularly in matters of research.
-- Err-U