[ParanoiaLexicon] [TitleIndex] [WordIndex



Uri-Glutonium332 is an alloy, primarily of non-fissile uranium, thallium and Foil, with lesser amounts of LeadLike and Hot Fun. It is fairly hard, extremely durable, quite heavy, and relatively non-radioactive. Warning: Do not confuse with Uri-Glutonium337. Under no circumstances should citizens of GREEN or higher clearance touch, use, approach, or think too hard about Uri-Glutonium337.

While U-G332 does not posess the raw tensile strength of such materials as MegaSteel or CannaeBendium, it has the benefit of being extrudable under the proper temperature and pressure conditions. This allows for simplified mass-production, and the re-use of old FudMaker devices as U-G332 extruders via the simple addition of a boiler/compressor unit. Warning: Do not stand in close proximity to re-purposed FudMaker devices under high pressure. Under no circumstances should Uri-Glutonium332 be eaten!

When its surface is etched with a light solution of Galvanic_Accelerant_Dip, U-G332 becomes extremely rough and abrasive. In this state, it readily accepts adhesives, FlavorSprays, and/or paint. It is commonly used in high-friction scrubbing/scraping devices, non-slip flooring, and tongueprint identification plates. Warning: Under no circumstances should Uri-Glutonium332 be eaten!

While QwikPaste_Spray_Bottles are not yet capable of withstanding sufficient pressure and temperature to extrude U-G332, Type B Standard Issue Fire Extinguishers can be retrofitted to do so. R&D is even now testing a Plasma-powered UG332 molten spray device, for rapid delivery of a low-clearance, high-friction coating.

Warning: Uri-Glutonium332 should not be disposed of in Nuclear Reactors, Termination Facilities, or Cafeterias. Under no circumstances should Uri-Glutonium332 be eaten!!! In the event of accidental ingestion, do not move, breathe, sweat, or induce vomiting.

A few addenda:

References: Foil, Galvanic_Accelerant_Dip, LeadLike, QwikPaste_Spray_Bottles, VatSlime, Zen_Deficit_Disorder

-- Err-U-DYT-9


Uh... relevance to the Toothpaste_Disaster? Hello?

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

My apologies; I should have explicitly stated: Aside from connection to other items in this report (both those referenced in the above entry, and those which reference it), there is thus far no evidence of Uri-Glutonium332 being more directly relevant to the Toothpaste_Disaster. I would otherwise have created an writeup somewhat more informative than an excerpt from a BLUE-clearance manual.

Admittedly, it cannot be ruled out that there was a modicum of direct involvement - for instance, there is always the possibility that treasonous ingestion of the substance could have had some contributing effect to the Disaster, or that someone incorrectly disposed of some U-G332 inside a Nuclear Reactor. In fact, it is entirely likely that the Ferrous_Cook stole BAD sector's U-G332 for exactly the former purpose.

However, even if these things happened, they did not end up as a notable factor in the Disaster proper. Once I did enough research to discover U-G332's relative lack of relevance, I continued to concentrate on more important matters. Quite frankly, there are a lot of them.

For instance: I've nearly wrapped up my investigation into Flo-U-RID's death. Ken-U-RON-7 is correct (after a fashion) when he says that Vegeta-R was the one who did it, though that's hardly the whole story. I have a good notion what is correct and what is delusional raving with regards to Drake-U-LAH-1's writings on Unspeakable_Treason. And I've managed to track down what happend to the Legion_of_Ultraviolence.

The unremarkable history of a relatively pedestrian metal will have to wait until I have more leisure time.

-- Err-U

I will acknowledge that this summary dismissal of the role of Uri-Glutonium332 irked me, but I couldn't figure out why. After all, Drake-U-LAH-2's incidental comments in his entry on Reconstitution_and_Recycling notwithstanding, there would be no reason to assume that the stuff played any real role in the disaster.

But I've learned to trust my instincts. So I looked deeper.

I checked the files regarding Ferrous_Cook's acquisition of Uri-Glutonium332 from BAD sector. And then I checked the original paperwork. And I found a discrepancy, no doubt caused by the filing clerk's execrable handwriting.

It wasn't Uri-Glutonium332 that he stole. It was Uri-Glutonium337.

-- Jan-U

That's not good. Just a moment...

Hmm. It seems that one of Uri-Glutonium337's properties is psi amplification - the warning regarding thinking about the stuff too hard may actually be accurate, as bizarre as that seems.

I've assigned some automated programs to do a bit of data gathering. If I can manage to track down some sort of mental shielding, or if the warning proves to be false, I'll post a synopsis when they're done. If not, I'll simply have the programs do a data dump of what they've found.

-- Err-U

WARNING: Only read the following information once isolated by a P-type security field!


Uri-Glutonium337 is an insanely dangerous compound that ought never to have been invented in the first place, let alone produced in quantities greater than "just enough to figure out how bad an idea this really is".

So for the sake of argument, let's assume that a treasonous, telepathic citizen has acquired a 120-gram lump of Uri-Glutonium337 (pre-damped alloy) - a sphere about 2 centimeters across. After handling it, they hide it inside the workings of a VendaBot. They can now read the minds of citizens near that VendaBot from over 120 meters away. They can examine the recorded surface thoughts of any citizen who's stood in front of the VendaBot in the last few days. And at a mental signal, they can cause the Uri-Glutonium337 to explode, with approximately 10% of the yield of a TacNuke cone rifle shell.

Now let's assume that they had a dozen of these minispheres. They could hide them in proximate but separate locations, forming a repeater network capable of further magnifying their psionic range. They would be recording thoughts from citizens in many more locations, and would have greater versatility in what they chose to blow up.

Now, once more for the sake of argument, let's think about what would happen if the receipient of the stolen Uri-Glutonium337 (all 672.29 kilograms of the stuff) was Psion. And what would happen if, for instance, they'd managed to replace the Easter_Bunny_Device's Uranio-Rific HappyFusion Nugget supply with Uri-Glutonium337 minispheres.

It would explain why none of the Easter_Bunny_Device's explosives have detonated yet. It would explain the difficulty in finding said explosives, when the radiation trail ought to lead search teams straight to them. It would explain the absence of requisition forms for Uranio-Rific HappyFusion Nuggets when the Device was activated. And it could explain much of the hysterical delusion running rampant among High Programmers - step into a minisphere's area of influence, and the damn filthy mutants can mess with your head any which way they please.

I have not yet found conclusive proof that this scenario is true, but the lack of contradictory facts combined with circumstantial evidence is extremely worrisome. Regardless, there's 672.29 kilograms of stolen Uri-Glutonium337 out there, and that's a problem.

-- Err-U-DYT-9

PS: Of course, if you think about any of this information too close to the stuff, whomever's using it may "overhear" you and quite possibly detonate it. P-type security fields - or anything else that'll keep them from getting into your head - are in order.

PPS: Jan-U, grab that filing clerk for interrogation. I can't believe that the theft of something this dangerous was accidentally misreported.

Referenced by:


2013-06-13 14:00