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Specimen: Wyrm, recovered from BBY Sector 6 hours prior to Autopsy
Location: LAT Sector, Syntelligent Systems Morgue/Refectory
Date: 5.9.214 14:30

Pathologic Diagnoses

I. Intestinal Obstruction, secondary to perforated lower intestine
II. Bowel Obstruction, secondary to Diphenhydromegatoxine toxicity and related cellular necrosis
III. Allergies (dust, sub-terrestrial vapor)

Circumstances of Death and General Observations

The specimen is a male Wyrm of average build, probably a young adult, measuring 43 feet, 7 inches in length, weighing approximately 37,046 pounds. Cause of death was multi-organ system failure, brought on by ruptured intestines, resulting from various internal obstructions, both organic and synthetic.

External Examination

Skin surface is scorched by an assortment of laser blasts, apparently from Red and Orange laser pistols. Wounds from those blasts appear superficial in nature, having failed to penetrate the specimen's thick, scaly epidermis. The hind section of the specimen is slightly melted. Residue tests indicate the affected area was exposed to a close range XTREEM-BURN_Heavy_Flamethrower blast. However, a microscopic examination indicates this wound occurred post-mortem (most likely inflicted by the Troubleshooter who found and reported the specimen, with the intention of claiming credit for the kill).

Internal Examination

A series of three 10 foot lengthwise incisions were executed to examine the specimen's digestive system - or I should say digestive systems, since the creature boasts 2 distinct stomachs. One appears to be a standard digestive organ, suitable for processing virtually any organic material. Contents of this stomach include: bones, hair, HotFun wrappers and large quantities of Red and Orange fabric (21 shredded, yet mostly undigested jumpsuits that seemingly caused an intestinal blockage). The second (significantly larger) stomach seemingly allows for the processing of metal, plastic, concrete and other synthetic substances. This stomach contains a liquified soup of common construction materials, most notably a compound used in the fabrication of walls and floors in the Alpha Complex. It also contains fragments of laser pistols, a multicorder, and a cracked, empty bottle of Diphenhydromegatoxine tablets.

Cranial Examination

The specimen's head section is in perfect condition (in fact, I intend to mount it on my office wall when this is done). All three rows of WyrmTeeth are intact - and still razor sharp. The teeth are sparklingly clean, which comes as a minor surprise considering the contents of the specimen's stomach. Chemical analysis provides some insight on this, indicating that the Wyrm had recently ingested a large quantity of Toothpasty_Supplement_#5. The specimen's 8 foot tongue is still moist, saturated with a highly acidic substance which melted two stainless steel laboratory tongs (not to mention the fingers of one my rather clumsy assistant). Expected to find a brain of some sort, but the skull is composed of solid bone. The specimen's sensory organs indicate a creature with excellent low-light vision and superior olfactory capacity. The creature lacks a traditional auditory organ; it is totally deaf. However, the specimen has an ear-like extremity in close proximity to an unusual organic/metallic/crystalline structure. It appears to act as a resonator, allowing the specimen to "tune in" into certain Ultra_High_Frequency_Radio_Waves. Fascinating.

Final Summary and Conclusions

When Wyrms were first sighted in the Alpha Complex, some clones suggested it was some ancient beast that had evolved beneath the Complex, brought into our home through the disastrous Project_Infinite_Hole. This turns out to be false. The Wyrm is an engineered organism. It was created by someone. However, as one of the foremost Bio-Engineers in the Complex, I can state with absolute certainty that this monster was not created by any one of Friend Computer's subjects. We simply aren't skilled enough to create a masterpiece such as this.

Not yet.



Unlike you, Circ-U, I can't claim to be one of the foremost Bio-Engineers in the complex. I'm not even a Bio-Engineer. What I do know is how to correlate data. And after running your own Wyrm DNA scans through a GeneScan_Image analyzer, my people found that over 78% of the Wyrm's genetic code matches up to common clone DNA sequences. Isn't it possible that the Wyrms are simply a cascade mutation that's bred true?

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

Isn't it possible? No. Not possible. This is no cascade mutation. Mutations create tremendous slop in the genome... all sorts of genetic information that serves no function in the development of the organism. Take a look at the GeneScan_Image for the Wyrm. No slop, no extraneous DNA - total efficiency of design. Genetically speaking, these creatures are three times more complex than a pure breed clone (no mutations) - yet their genome is only 1/58th the size of ours. It is beyond the probabilistic resources of the universe that such precision could be generated by a random mutation. The fact that common sequences found in the Alpha Complex were used in the creation of these monsters only tells us that those who created them had been given access to our GeneScan archives. Oh.. it also tells us the WyrmMasters have one hell of a sense of humor. But I'm not laughing. NOT LAUGHING.

So, Jan-U, considering that I don't try to tell you how to do whatever the hell it is that brains do in jars all day long, I would thank you not to tell me how to analyze a GeneScan_Image.

Enough of this. I have preparations to make.


I have noted that citizen Circ-U is exhibiting classic signs of paranoia and delusional behavior. On multiple occasions now, he has claimed that the data I (or others) have painstakingly assembled is incomplete or irrelevant, casually making reference to sources and investigatory methods that do not bear up as legitimate to any sort of examination. Even were his data to be accepted, his reaction to that data dips into hysterical irrationality.

It is my belief that he is either actively attempting to mislead this commission, being used as a catspaw by powers that deceive him in order to deceive us, or simply losing his mind. Or perhaps some combination of the three.


Very nice. First a lecture on genetics from the PLC jar-jockey, now a little pop psychology from a CPU geek. I swear, it's like the GASES program all over again. I suggest you two stick to your daycycle occupations.


My daycycle occupation is analyzing the reliability of data and data sources. This includes recognition of the signs of addiction, delusion, Neuro-Cascade_Failure, and other forms of mental breakdown or unreliability. I may not be able to offer as precise a diagnosis as, say, a professional Happiness Therapist, but what's relevant is that your claims cannot be trusted as hard data - and that, I am qualified to judge.

I suggest you seek therapy.


I suggest electroshock therapy. More than happy to oblige.


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2013-06-13 14:00