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Transcript from the last transmission (audio only) of Troubleshooter Team DDR48/C:

Control: "Come in, team. Report your status. Is the loading complete?"
Team leader Buff-Y-SMS-3:  "Control, we are taking fire. Call off the Vulturecraft! I repeat.
                            Abort the strike..."
Troubleshooter Xande-R-HRS-6: "INCOMING!"
Control: "Please repeat. "
Team leader: "I have four clones down. The sector's gone mad! There are tankbots everywhere!
              We must..."


Ultimabrite Cleansing1 was the most destructive incident of the whole Toothpaste Disaster. No less than seven sectors were affected, and though Drake-U-LAH-1's term "eradicated" may not quite apply (perhaps he's projecting his wishes?), the devastation places it squarely in the major sabotage category of the Incident_Terminology_Categorical_Hierarchy.

The incident began when the daily oral hygiene reports from the affected sectors were filed. All sectors reported indices exceeding Baseline_Dental_Health by up to 67.93 %. Several commendations were issued before the likelihood of forged reports led HPD & MC to launch an investigation.

By random intrusive oral inspections, Troubleshooter Teams quickly determined that the oral hygiene reports were indeed correct. The sectors were full of clones enjoying top-notch dental hygiene. Happiness officers were almost blinded by the gleaming teeth of smiling citizens. Something was clearly horribly wrong.

I soon discovered the horrible truth. Unknown saboteurs had replaced the contents of all toothpaste delivered to afflicted sectors with Ultimabrite. All citizens from the lowly Reds were enjoying the luxury reserved for High Programmers. I conferred with my colleagues, and we decided to mount a covert surgical operation to recover or wipe out the traitorous stock. Elite Troubleshooter Teams were dispatched with strict need-to-know instructions.

For the first two hourcycles, the missions proceeded as expected. Team RUK-ADHD43 was wiped out, while MOR567 was engaged in a firefight with two other, unidentified teams. These were minor glitches to be expected from such a large operation. 24.67 % of the Ultimabrite stocks had been seized when disaster struck.

A team of highly skilled traitors had infiltrated the Leaning_Tower_of_Treason, and recovered classified equipment intended for internal use only. With the aid of the devices, they managed to break into the Armed Forces Emergency Reserve Depot RUN3A (Obsolete). The traitors bypassed the security protocols and activated the emergency protocols, routing all Armed Forces Rapid Response calls to the depot.

The infiltration of the Leaning_Tower_of_Treason had its upside. As the tower was not yet fully operational, the full Foil screens were not yet erected. Security systems were able to record the break-in, and the traitors were identified. The evidence recovered from the Armed Forces Depot pointed towards the League of Xtreme Communism (later the League_of_Extraordinary_Dadaists), but the surveillance tapes of the tower indicate that the supposedly heroic Legion_of_Ultraviolence, which soon conveniently disappeared during the ToothpasteRebellion, planned the sabotage, and tried to cover their tracks.

Using the morbid codename "Ultimabrite Cleansing", the traitors notified the Computer of insurgency-level ultraviolet security clearance abuse in the seven sectors. As per Standard Operating Procedure, the Computer dispatched Rapid Response Units to protect the inviolability of its High Programmers. Normally, the units involved would have been standard Special Forces squads, and the situation would have been under control in several hourcycles. Some undoubtedly fierce, but localized actions would have occurred, that is sure, but excessive damage would have been avoided.

Unfortunately, Emergency Mechanized Reserve Unit RUN3A (Obsolete) was composed entirely of highly autonomous heavy tankbots and vulturecraft. The models were obsolete, but still highly lethal. I was forced to leave my Sector Headquarters and temporarily relocate to an auxiliary facility. The battle lasted for nearly two daycycles, and left the seven affected sectors devastated. Three tankbot platoons are still unaccounted for.

Preliminary casualty reports have trickled in from the sectors involved in the incident I have hard data only for two sectors. I hope my colleagues from from the five other affected sectors can share their own data.

Fatality Rate by Sector:

RUK     88.376 %
RUN     98.655 %

-- Enkid-U-RUK-4

Refs: Baseline_Dental_Health, Drake-U-LAH-1, Foil, Incident_Terminology_Categorical_Hierarchy, League_of_Extraordinary_Dadaists, Leaning_Tower_of_Treason, Legion_of_Ultraviolence, ToothpasteRebellion


Presumably, when the author refers to the Leaning_Tower_of_Treason not being fully operational, he is referring to its post-breakout use as an INFRARED barracks, for two reasons:

  1. When the Tower was used for incarceration, the only individuals to go in were traitors; saying it was "infiltrated by traitors" makes little sense.
  2. The Tower was online and fully operational in its Jail-like capacity many yearcycles ago. If the author is not referring to its use as an INFRARED barracks, many yearcycles would have elapsed between the Legion_of_Ultraviolence infiltrating the Tower (and being caught at it on security tape) and their usage of the equipment spirited out to effect the Ultimabrite Cleansing. This is at odds with the statement "...[the Legion_of_Ultraviolence] soon conveniently disappeared during the ToothpasteRebellion".

-- Err-U-DYT-9

Forty-two flavors? Isn't that eleven too many?

-- Paul-U-LEG-9

No, since it's only used by high-clearance citizens. See the paragraph containing "...and as a general rule higher clearance clones eat whatever they damn well please." in Jan-U's commentary on the Thirty-one_Official_Flavors.

-- Err-U


2013-06-13 14:00