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QwikPaste Spray Bottles

Contrary to popular belief, QwikPaste Spray Bottles are not named for their use as a toothpaste delivery system, although that is indeed one of their most common uses. In accordance with Reconstitution_and_Recycling protocols, QwikPaste Spray Bottles are actually made from recycled toothpaste1, specially treated for hardness and durability2, and lined with a protective inner coating of Foil. We use QwikPaste Spray Bottles to dispense all manner of liquids, pastes, ointments, gels, unguents, oozes, glues, condiments and exudates. Although the bottles have a tendency to dissolve upon contact with mild acidic solutions, they still comprise 47% of the paste dispenser market, and were the exclusive chlorine dioxide dispenser of the Aqua_Purity_Emergency_Sediment_and_Chemical_Interception_Team until the advent of the steam-jet pistol.

The QwikPaste Spray Bottle derives its design from the earlier QwikWax Spray Bottle, rolled out in the wake of the Waxy_Disaster. QwikWax Spray Bottles had the unfortunate habit of sagging at temperatures above 80 degrees Fahrenheit, and liquefying at around 90 degrees, severely limiting their utility under normal circumstances3. Nonetheless, they remained quite popular until Long-Term_Projections indicated that we were in imminent danger of exhausting the wax mines that contained the remaining waxy buildup from the Disaster, necessitating the invention of a replacement dispenser.

My investigations, and my analysis of the data provided by my colleagues on the commission, have yielded the following connections between QwikPaste Spray Bottles and the Toothpaste_Disaster:

Now, I’ve heard of this Y-Chromosome_Cabal before, but they always seemed relatively insignificant. Now, though… they seem to have gained significant financial backing, and their activities have grown more daring. Furthermore, I have cause to wonder whether they have a hand in the steadily diminishing number of female High Programmers. Isn’t it odd that I am the only female High Programmer available to serve on this commission? Isn’t it curious how Flo-U-RID-3’s untimely and dramatic demise coincided with this increase in activity from the Cabal?

If you’ll excuse me, I have to investigate some potential weaknesses in my security systems. Signing off.

-- Jan-U-ARY-31


  1. PLC estimates that, on average, 3.2% of the contents of a toothpaste container will be wasted. Remember, clones, inefficiency is treason! (1)

  2. 94.9% toothpaste, 2.3% Triboromethyloxine, 1.8% Diphenhydromegatoxine, 1% body fat. (2)

  3. By reducing the average room temperature in Alpha Complex by 12 degrees, not only did Power Services stabilize the QwikWax Spray Bottles, but they also increased energy efficiency by 9% and increased sales of thermal underwear by over 500%. (3)

  4. An enzyme designed to attack the X chromosome in clone DNA. (4)

  5. Probably due to a missing decimal place. Communists are notoriously bad at math. (5)

Refs: Y-Chromosome_Cabal

Referenced by:


2013-06-13 14:00