QwikPaste Spray Bottles
Contrary to popular belief, QwikPaste Spray Bottles are not named for their use as a toothpaste delivery system, although that is indeed one of their most common uses. In accordance with Reconstitution_and_Recycling protocols, QwikPaste Spray Bottles are actually made from recycled toothpaste1, specially treated for hardness and durability2, and lined with a protective inner coating of Foil. We use QwikPaste Spray Bottles to dispense all manner of liquids, pastes, ointments, gels, unguents, oozes, glues, condiments and exudates. Although the bottles have a tendency to dissolve upon contact with mild acidic solutions, they still comprise 47% of the paste dispenser market, and were the exclusive chlorine dioxide dispenser of the Aqua_Purity_Emergency_Sediment_and_Chemical_Interception_Team until the advent of the steam-jet pistol.
The QwikPaste Spray Bottle derives its design from the earlier QwikWax Spray Bottle, rolled out in the wake of the Waxy_Disaster. QwikWax Spray Bottles had the unfortunate habit of sagging at temperatures above 80 degrees Fahrenheit, and liquefying at around 90 degrees, severely limiting their utility under normal circumstances3. Nonetheless, they remained quite popular until Long-Term_Projections indicated that we were in imminent danger of exhausting the wax mines that contained the remaining waxy buildup from the Disaster, necessitating the invention of a replacement dispenser.
My investigations, and my analysis of the data provided by my colleagues on the commission, have yielded the following connections between QwikPaste Spray Bottles and the Toothpaste_Disaster:
At my direction, a Technical Services team has analyzed the wreckage of the Transbot whose crash in the Alternative_Troubleshooter_Team_Insertion_Conduit_(ATTIC) initiated the Four_Reactor_Foam_Flood. They discovered that the Transbot did, in fact, have a micro-audio amplifier; however, it had been damaged by a buildup of Aur-Frechenir within the amplifier casing. Aur-Frechenir is, of course, sprayed using QwikPaste Spray Bottles. Apparently the spray was sufficiently fine to infiltrate the casing and clog the delicate hardware within; as a result, the Troubleshooters in the ATTIC were unaware of the Early_Warning_System, and thus unable to prevent the crash.
A little-known Secret Society, known as the Y-Chromosome_Cabal, used a mass of WhirledRON_Energy profits with Questionable_Credit_Licenses to purchase over 100,000 units of QwikPaste Spray Bottles. Apparently they intended to fill the bottles with X-Cell4, which Cabal agents would then spray into the genetic splicing units of clone tanks throughout the Complex. This ridiculously excessive purchase5 totally invalidated the Yearly Dentifrice Allotment, and forced the redirection of toothpaste reserves to QwikPaste Spray Bottle manufacture. This was a major contributing factor to the massive toothpaste shortages that coincided to generate the ToothpasteRebellion.
Now, Ive heard of this Y-Chromosome_Cabal before, but they always seemed relatively insignificant. Now, though they seem to have gained significant financial backing, and their activities have grown more daring. Furthermore, I have cause to wonder whether they have a hand in the steadily diminishing number of female High Programmers. Isnt it odd that I am the only female High Programmer available to serve on this commission? Isnt it curious how Flo-U-RID-3s untimely and dramatic demise coincided with this increase in activity from the Cabal?
If youll excuse me, I have to investigate some potential weaknesses in my security systems. Signing off.
PLC estimates that, on average, 3.2% of the contents of a toothpaste container will be wasted. Remember, clones, inefficiency is treason! (1)
94.9% toothpaste, 2.3% Triboromethyloxine, 1.8% Diphenhydromegatoxine, 1% body fat. (2)
By reducing the average room temperature in Alpha Complex by 12 degrees, not only did Power Services stabilize the QwikWax Spray Bottles, but they also increased energy efficiency by 9% and increased sales of thermal underwear by over 500%. (3)
An enzyme designed to attack the X chromosome in clone DNA. (4)
Probably due to a missing decimal place. Communists are notoriously bad at math. (5)