Zero Hourcycle Crisis Mandate
Attention!!! Attention!!! Attention!!!
I have initiated the Zero Hourcycle Crisis Mandate. This is not a drill. The loud Xyrens you hear will be followed by even louder Xyrens, then by some comforting music, then by a series of encoded instructions, then by an advertisement for B4 and then finally by a series of deafeningly loud Xyrens (which will reset the sequence).
Do not panic. Panicking is Treason.
For those who haven't experienced the Zero Hourcycle Mandate, or those who need a refresher, the procedure is as follows:
1. Confirm existence of Crisis. 2. Identify those responsible for Crisis. 3. (wait for it) 4. ***KILL THEM ALL***
I've already completed steps 1 and 2. We are all familiar with the Crisis. The Toothpaste_Disaster was just the beginning. The Alpha Complex is under attack! The Magic_Hate_Ball is still on the loose, rogue PasteBots still defile the corridors, distinguished members of this very panel are dropping like sabotaged FlyBots. And let's not forget about the Wyrms breeding in the bowels of this Complex, festering like a bowelular Wyrm-like infestation! Oh I know who made the Wyrms. I know who controls them. I know who is ultimately responsible for every Disaster, every Crisis, every little thing that sends this would-be Utopia into chaos on a daycycular basis. I know His name:
He's real. He's real and he's very pissed off. The Gatzmann_Archives contain countless references to God, but they make Him out to be a lightweight; a cartoon character who could hardly muster up the power to slaughter traitors, thusly forced to recruit armies of proto-Infrared half-wits to finish what He couldn't start. Gatzmann also claimed He fixed the outcome of various Old Reckoning sporting events. Those archives are wrong. God is out there, way above the Outdoors Sector, waging war against the Alpha Complex. Those Ultra_High_Frequency_Radio_Waves come from the Mind of God, controling the Wyrms, His children. The FCCCP are under His control. Mutants are His servants. God is the ultimate Traitor.
Skipping step 3, I move directly to step 4. The Zero_Hourcycle_Crisis_Mandate makes my next move clear. I've commissioned a RocketBot, loaded it with 3 tons of TacNukes. By the time you read this, I will have penetrated the Celestial Ceiling, bursting through the theoretical limits of the Outdoors, on a collision course with you-know-who.
I intend to destroy God before God destroys us. I expect it to be a one way trip. As such, I've decanted Circ-U-LAT-24 who I trust will be happy to answer any and all of your questions.
Good luck to you all.
The theological discussions on this will be interesting.
Give 'em hell, Snoopy.
Hmf. It's a sad thing indeed to see just how many of the High Programmers in this project have lost their minds. Maybe there's something in the water. Even the Gatzmann_Archives point to this 'God' character being purely fictional, if you know where to look -- and entirely inaccessible, at that. For someone as elite as us to fall into lunacy like this... well, it's just tragic.
We can only hope Circ-U-24 will be free of this mad obsession.