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Internal Toothpaste Fallacy

Among any diverse population, there will be, by definition, those of below average intelligence. (See Im_w/stupid). The severely deficient tend to quickly weed themselves out, be it by playing on the transbot tracks, insulting Friend Computer, or eagerly volunteering to test any R&D device they can pick up with their remaining limbs. Those citizens who are only slightly sub-par on the brains, however, are bright enough to avoid Spontaneous Self-Decapitation and chugging from buckets full of Acidophizz. Usually.

Rather, they are most prone to "Category 7A Errors" - a staggeringly wide array of bad ideas, each coated with its own thin veneer of "logic". One such Error is the Internal_Toothpaste_Fallacy. "Toothpaste," they think, "is used to clean. Cleanliness is good! And toothpaste is used in the mouth, so it must be OK to eat. So if I want to clean my insides, I shouldn't drink Acidophizz - I should just eat a great heaping gob of toothpaste!"

Suffice it to say that what follows is not particularly hygenic.

Offenders range the gamut from citizens who "gave it a try once, when they were really really hungry" to die-hard delusional Internal Cleanliness fiends who consume as much as they can requisition. Fortunately, 93% of clones tripped up by this Fallacy - if they attempt to scrub their innards at all - do not attempt to brush any further than their upper esophagus.

While the immediate relevance of this Fallacy to the Toothpaste_Disaster is unclear, there is evidence of some connection - over the past two yearcycles, incidences of the Internal Toothpaste Fallacy have been steadily on the rise. Some of this can, of course, be traced to factors such as flavor innovations, Cleanliness Drives, increased awareness of Baseline_Dental_Health, the thankfully temporary re-clearing of QwikPaste_Spray_Bottles to INFRARED, and the promotion of Toothpasty Supplements that are meant to be eaten.

However, once factors like these are screened out, there remain troubling increases in the incidence of the Fallacy - and even some statistical correlations between incidences of Internal Toothpaste and the activity levels of several of the Secret_Societies_Involved_In_the_Toothpaste_Disaster.


References: Acidophizz, Baseline_Dental_Health, Im_w/stupid, QwikPaste_Spray_Bottles, Secret_Societies_Involved_In_the_Toothpaste_Disaster, Toothpasty_Supplement_#5


Let's not forget the recent emphasis on Total_Oral_Cleansing, as exemplified with the ADC project. Previously clones simply worried about cleaning the teeth and gums, with extremely hygenic individuals going on to debride the tongue. But now! Clones have become accustomed to scrubbing their palate, their uvula, even their tonsils. So what's the harm in going a little farther? I blame Brush-U-TTH, with his unnecessary emphasis on the "Whole_Oral_Experience." If Friend Computer had meant for us to scrub our esophagi, He wouldn't have given us the UvulaBot.

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

PS: Yes, I know, I don't actually have an esophagus. Figure of speech. Cope.

Err-U-DYT, you fool! Are you so dense that you can't tell they're doing it on purpose?!? They did the same thing when word about the "beneficial side effects" of bathing in hemoglobin leaked out! They obviously know something about the toothpaste that we don't! Someone dig up those old hygiene safety testing results! What did they see in them that we didn't?!?

-- Drake-U-LAH-1

Note that some of these Internal Toothpaste incidents are just as lethal as chugging from buckets full of Acidophizz. BAD sector had to requisition a dozen extra scrubots after Ulce-R-BAD-3 decided to chug a liter of Whitener_Compounds.

-- Jan-U

Drake-U: If by "they" you mean the citizens, yes, they're doing it on purpose, but for the reasons mentioned in my report (or very similar ones) - there is no endemic secret knowledge about toothpaste rampant in the Complex at large. If by "they" you mean the Secret_Societies_Involved_In_the_Toothpaste_Disaster, then yes, it is likely that they're doing it on purpose, and it ought to be investigated - we don't want another Fluoride_Incident. As there was not any proof of such activity, however, I did not state it as indisputable fact.

I've made the statistical correlations available; as you can see, they're not universal - there are places with plenty of Internal Toothpaste incidents that have indisputably low treason levels - but neither are they simply linked to the presence of any single flavoring, additive, or supplement. Nor is there a straight correlation with any environmental effects - mean temperature, lighting level, radiation level, etc. It must be some combination of ingredients, environmental effects, and/or citizen-specific biology that's relevant.

Jan-U: Indeed - although technically Whitener_Compounds are not Toothpaste, so that particular incident wasn't an instance of this Fallacy. Nonetheless, there is the occasional fatality.

-- Err-U


2013-06-13 13:58