TOOTHPASTE DISASTER REPORT PANELISTS
The Computer once again shows incontestable wisdom in appointing to the Toothpaste Disaster Report Panel the following illustrious High Programmers. For full biographies, appointed responsibilities, source code contributions, emotional profiles, indices of treasonous or insubordinate acts, dental records, and coordinates of moles, blemishes, scars, and other identifying marks, consult the relevant profile in Databank UVBPP-BIOSCAN, Clearance ULTRAVIOLET.
Once the game has finished, consult HighProgrammerDossiers for the full skinny on all of the panelists.
PLAYERS: When you are approved to join the game, post your character's brief biographical entry in this list, alphabetized by the character's first name. Don't forget to add your real-world bio information to RealWorldPlayers.
BRUSH-U-TTH-33 (Jared A. Sorensen)
Happiness and Hygiene guru Brush-U has been replaced well over two dozen times in the faithful service of The Computer. Brush-U has appeared in popular Documentaries such as "Pants: an Owner's Manual" and the award-winning series, "Brainwashing Tips for Mental Hygiene." Brush-U's most recent accomplishment is a skin replacement initiative for clones with troublesome T-zones and blotchy complexions. His advice to you? "Keep Smiling, Alpha Complex!"
Unforunately, Brush-U-TTH-32 is no longer with us, having suffered an unfortunate incident during the Toothpaste_Disaster (specifically involving the Thirty-one_Official_Flavors). Alpha Complex bids a teary-eyed farewell to good ol' #32 and gives a hearty "Hi-ho!" to the spectacularly handsome Brus-U-TTH-33!
Brush-U-TTH has left for the committee for unspecified reasons.
BRUSH-U-TTH-09 (Jared A. Sorensen)
Subversive, possibly traitorous, but fiercely loyal to The Computer and "The Cause" (whatever that may be), Brush-U was accidentally taken offline and replaced far, far before his time. He now shuttles between the treasonous outpost Xavier_Central and the service ducts of Alpha Complex, biding his time.
Also, Brush-U-TTH-33 sucks eggs.
CEE-U-LTR-5 (David Siegel)
After cleanup was completed on last month's minor radiation leak in LTR sector, Cee-V-LTR-4, a dutiful Tech Services sub-director, was the sole surviving citizen of VIOLET or higher clearance. Cee-U-LTR-4 died of radiation poisoning shortly after elevation to High Progammmer status, and Cee-U-LTR-5 is doing his best to keep LTR sector running in tune with Friend Computer's plans.
CIRC-U-LAT-23 (Greg Ingber)
As a top Bio-Researcher in the Alpha Complex R&D service group, Circ-U is best known for his humane Mutant-No-MOR Serum, a drug that allowed unregistered mutants to anonymously fix their genetic code, thereby eliminating all treasonous mutations. Circ-U also developed the Mutant-No-MOR-2 Serum, a powerful neurotoxin that quickly replaced the original formula. This improved drug allowed unregistered mutants to anonymously paralyze, then decimate their central nervous systems, thereby eliminating all treasonous mutations.
COSTIN-U-MOR-8 (Paul Baldowski)
Costin-U's recent actions have secured considerable additional plutonium for the Complex's experiments in perpetual power sources and irradiated dessert manufacture, and expanded R&D's understanding of the chemical durability and radiation tolerance of polymerized ethylene resin. Some of his peers have raised concerns about his mismanagement of scarce biomaterials in sending 37 Power Services operatives on an initial prospecting mission wearing nothing more than an extra-large black garbage bag and matching flip-flops. However, The Computer has logged the multiple successes achieved on the mission in a more positive light.
DON-U-DON-11 (Rob MacDougall)
Look out, Alpha Complex! Don-U is HPD & Mind Control's new Chief Assistant Neurocrat in Charge of Clone Programming, Re-Programming, and Sales. He loves the Computer, long walks by the Food Vats, Bouncy Bubble Olde Stocke Reserve, and interrogation subjects who aren't afraid to show their feelings. Sorry ladies, he's married... to experimental invasive neuro-programming techniques, that is!
Don-U-DON has left the committee for unspecified reasons.
DRAKE-U-LAH-1 (Jeff Groves)
Although Drake-U started out as a lowly PLC clerk in the Equipment Fine Complaint Center, he quickly rose through the ranks thanks to his adeptness at keeping rowdy Troubleshooters in line. When he was promoted from clerk, he had an unprecedented record of 0 Complaints Approved (mainly because the survivors of his discussions developed severe phobias of the Complaint Center). Under his leadership, Equipment Fine Complaints throughout the tri-sector region dropped 99% thanks to his integration of the waiting rooms with IntSec Interrogation Chambers. Drake-U-LAH-1 is now implementing a revolutionary S&S policy, requiring Troubleshooters to sign their names in blood for more efficient identification.
DURSCH-U-WTZ-8 (Robert Rodger)
Dursch-U is one of Alpha Complex's most distinguished authors and historians. His most popular work, The Computer for Morons, is a detailed treatise on how Friend Computer saved and serves the citizens and deserves all the respect and accolades we are accustomed to giving him. The companion work, The Traitor's Cookbook, has been instrumental in identifying hundreds of Communist traitors thanks to tracking devices hidden within each copy. It is unclear what service firm Dursch-U currently works for, as none claim any record of his existence.
ENKID-U-RUK-4 (Topi Makkonen)
Enkid-U's ascent to the lofty rank of High Programmer is the result of being the sole survivor of over a dozen Troubleshooting missions. As an R&D representative, Enkid-U-RUK managed to maintain his scientific objectivity by excusing himself from any field-testing of experimental technology. "I seem to have a knack for surrounding myself with suck... err... trusting and loyal citizens."
ERR-U-DYT-9 (R. Eric Reuss)
Citizen Err-U is a celebrated CPU researcher who has been repeatedly promoted on the strength of his analysis skills -- most recently to High Programmer, with his highly acclaimed and painstaking dissertation on the DQD Tech Services Circular Management Conundrum. Unfortunately, each of his eight promotion-winning reports has also resulted in his termination, which seems to have left him a bit odd in the head.
JAN-U-ARY-31 (Eric Minton)
After decades of tireless service on behalf of the Computer, little remains of Jan-U other than a brain in a jar. But what a brain! She serves on the corporate boards of virtually every PLC Service Firm (and quite a few other Service Firms as well), using her peerless intellect to ensure that there's Hot Fun in every pot and that the tubetrains run on time. Rumors of senility and incompetence on her part are greatly exaggerated, and also likely to get you terminated, so you're best off keeping them to yourself.
Oh, and she is absolutely, positively not a spy for IntSec.
KEN-U-RON-6 through 8 (Scott Johnson)
Power Services is proud to announce the recent promotion of Ken-U to the position of Chief Administrator of RON sector. Ken-U's work has earned him over two dozen awards for making his division of Power Services the most profitable and efficient in Alpha Complex. His staff has dismissed the treasonous rumors of underfunded facilities and unauthorized power redirections, and cite his termination of the traitors behind the 'Rolling Twelve Week Tri-Sector Blackout' as proof of his integrity.
Unfortunately, Ken-U recently went missing under mysterious circumstances -- see his entry on Phantom_Sectors for more details. His successor, Ken-U-RON-7, appears to have been killed in a massive explosion that enveloped his private villa in COL sector -- one he may have triggered himself. Needless to say, Ken-U-RON-8 is feeling highly wary.
Kill-U rose through the ranks to become a High Programmer based on his reputation for shooting first and asking highly leading questions later. The Computer's ability to lure Commie Mutant Traitors into Troubleshooting missions with him provided a boost to his natural talent for sniffing out treason.
KNOK-U-OUT-5 through 7 (Dan Curtis Johnson)
Knok-U-5 credited his meteoric rise into the highest levels of PLC to his famous policy of reverse upsizing. In OUT sector alone, he reduced material costs by 61% with only a 54% reduction in effectiveness, and a mere 40% reduction in average clone lifespan. His presence on the Toothpaste Disaster Report team was attributed to his recreational interest in dental anaesthetics. "Five" perished in the third weekcycle of the Toothpaste Disaster investigation, "vaporized to seven decimal places".
His clone brother, Knok-U-6, carried on in his predecessor's place, albeit from an undisclosed location. However, eventually compelled to leave his secure villa for research purposes, he was attacked by (former) fellow commission member Drake-U-LAH-1, and had all his blood and brains sucked out.
Recently-decanted Knok-U-7 seems to have had a quick, and questionable, education in the school of hard knocks.
MAKE-U-CRY-2 (Andy Fitzpatrick)
Make-U is known throughout AGH sector as the Armed Forces officer who successfully defended the Complex from Commie invasion not once, not even twice, but four hundred and seventy eight times. Rumours that this High Programmer is an utter paranoid who thinks Commies are trying to install wheels under Alpha Complex so that they can tow it into their secret lair are treasonous. Has a fondness for ColdFun bars.
MESH-U-GNA-1 (Ben Engelsberg)
Mesh-U is best known for his handling of inquiries into the nature and propriety of his promotion directly from RED Clearance Troubleshooter to ULTRAVIOLET Clearance High Programmer. Some have referred to his use of Direct Cortical Observation on said inquirers as bloody-handed, but Mesh-U prefers the literally correct term "Open Minded." Accusations that his promotion was caused by a buffer under-run error in The Computers security auditing software is clearly treasonous, as has been demonstrated by the repeated termination of VIOLET Clearance systems analysts who have proposed this theory.
Due to his involvement with the Toothpaste Disaster Report Panel, Mesh-U will no longer be available to personally entertain queries regarding his promotion. However, a special hearing chamber has been established in a refurbished reactor chamber in RAD sector to assist in handling any additional questions on this matter.
In response to questions regarding his current service group assignment, Mesh-U would like to state that he is not currently assigned to: PLC, R&D, Tech, Power, CPU, HPD&MC, or Armed Forces.
OMEGA-U-MAN-5 to 1337 (Matt Venzke)
Omega-U received his ULTRAVIOLET Clearance for his work in drastically reducing the PLC workload with his patented Commie Catcher [TM] system. Commie Catcher allows PLC to catch and execute any commie found filing paperwork, freeing PLC from ever having to actually process it.
PAUL-U-LEG-5 through 9 (Mark Kinney)
Paul-U is a rising star of VPR sector R&D, attached to numerous high profile development teams, with one notable black mark on his record. He was the sole survivor of the Vulture Vertical Lift System test. His rivals in R&D tried to pin blame on him for lack of knowledge about fluid dynamics, or engineering, or indeed, science in general, but he insists he warned the testing crew that "a huge flamey explosion" was a possibility.
SCREWZ-U-BAD-3 (John Spann)
Screwz-U writes, "Running this sector isn't as difficult as others make it appear. My sector runs as smoothly as Commies will allow, and once I am rid of them, my Sector will be the model that other Sectors are based upon." Yearcycles of working in R&D have sharpened both the mind and the reflexes of this "Everyclones Hero". After improving his sector's CPU Paperwork Division with a single keystroke, increasing the Armed Forces by 2.3% at no extra cost, and raising the reliability of R&D devices by as much as 20%, this is truly a clone's clone.
SERVS-U-RIT-7 (Josh Moretto)
Servs-U spent years as an unassuming middle-clearance bureaucrat within Power Services before a string of completely unprecedented and tragically fatal systems failures claimed the lives of all his superiors in TRP sector. Fortunately for the citizens of the sector, Servs-U (then Servs-G) was ready to step in and put things right. His selfless service in a time of crisis was amply rewarded, and it wasn't long (only a couple of clones and a few well-timed anti-Commie pogroms of sector Power management) before he was promoted to High Programmer status.
TOOTHY-U-NIX-4 (Paul Jacobs)
Toothy-U is an old school High Programmer who still remembers a yearcycle when The Computer would give out mouth irradiation beams to all the little schoolclones, reminding them how important it was, despite any treasonous discomfort they would certainly not have, to "don't let go until your teeth glow". He became a star-clone when, competing on an episode of "Alpha Complex R&D Elimination Deathmatch", he discovered a new and better way to remove excess toothpaste from young clones' teeth -- by creating an anti-paste which, upon contact, easily removed both the paste and the need for it, with the side-effect of only a moderate explosion and a week-long stay at the local recovery and mind-control center. Unfortunately this solution had to be scrapped due to the accidental termination of all treated clones. Toothy-U remains a loyal servant of The Computer, and a valued expert in the field of tooth maintenance R&D.
WATT-U-GOT-9 (Karl Low)
Watt-U earned the Computer's Favor by his diligent work in Technical Services. Particularly adept with miniature equipment, his work with concealed cameras, hidden microphones, and remotely controllable devices earned him a lengthy series of accolades from his superiors, many of whom are so grateful for his work that they continue to send him small gifts of credits to this very day. Watt-U's hobbies include video and still photography, audio recording, and photo and sound editing.
SERVICE GROUP REPRESENTATIVES
PLC: Drake-U-LAH-1, Jan-U-ARY-31, Knok-U-OUT-6, Omega-U-MAN-5 R&D: Circ-U-LAT-23, Enkid-U-RUK-4, Paul-U-LEG-5, Toothy-U-NIX-4 Power Services: Costin-U-MOR-8, Ken-U-RON-6, Servs-U-RIT-7 Tech Services: Cee-U-LTR-5, Watt-U-GOT-9 CPU: Err-U-DYT-9, Screwz-U-BAD-3 HPD&MC: Brush-U-TTH-09, Brush-U-TTH-33 Armed Forces: Make-U-CRY-2 IntSec: Mesh-U-GNA-1 Unknown: Dursch-U-WTZ-8, Kill-U-DED-4 Absent: Don-U-DON-11 (HPD&MC)