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The Commie Catcher [TM]. Fabled paperwork eliminator. Hailed by PLC staffers as the greatest thing since Hot Fun (said staffers are then executed for failing to rank New and Improved Bouncy Bubble Beverage, released 10 yearcycles after Hot Fun, as being the greatest thing since Hot Fun*). This simple device (designed by PLC's own Omega-U) is intended to be attached to the front of the standard PLC staffer's window in distribution and filing centers. When a citizen attempts to file paperwork, he or she is required to insert his or her hand into the clearly-labelled receptacle, while the paperwork goes into the neighboring slot. Now the magic happens, and we turn to Patent Application/Jello Mold Requisition Form #6-5000 to understand this little miracle:

1) If the submitter's hand fails to fit within the receptacle, submitter is executed pursuant to the Extremities Size Standardizations #24c. This has been shown in independent testing to eliminate 5% of the workload by itself.

2) If the submitter's hand fits, but the paperwork fails to fit into the slot, the submitter is executed for Failure to Obey Posted Instructions. Another 10% of paperwork is thereby eliminated. Creative solutions are necessary for those filing extensive requisitions and other bulky forms.

3) In the event that both hand and paperwork fit, the paperwork is then fed through a series of spools which then guide it, edge-on and at high velocity, between the submitter's fingers, resulting in acute papercuts. The suggestion has been made that this is PLC's revenge for their own high rates of such injuries, but this is clearly treasonous babble: why would they like giving so much paperwork if they minded the hazards that went along with filing it?

4) The submitter's response to the papercuts is now gauged (both visually and by various stress-response meters within the receptacle). If the submitter gives an unacceptable response (whimpering, crying, yelling, profanity, etc.), they are executed for Failure to Be Happy When Filing Necessary Paperwork. A solid 75% of paperwork is eliminated at this stage.

5) Lastly, the paperwork is fed to the PLC staffer. If the submitter has bled profusely on it, they are executed for Contaminating Paperwork with Bodily Fluids, pursuant to section 35$-11z of the Medical Malfeasance and Mischief codes. This last checkpoint tends to eliminate 90% of the remaining submitters.

6) Should the submitter endure stoically (or, better, happily), and the paperwork arrive suitably uncontaminated, the paperwork is processed as normal. Otherwise, as previously mentioned, the submitter is executed and the paperwork disposed of.

This innovative solution reduced paperwork by a full 99% in its first month of introduction, and earned Omega-U his promotion to Ultraviolet clearance. Subsequent criticisms of the system (notably the drastic population reduction in sectors where it has been introduced) had so far been stifled. However, certain recent developments may be forcing a reassesment of the system. Firstly, the unpopular but unfortunately sanctioned Low-Clearance_Rights_group ("LoCR", pronounced "locker" in common use), a group of high-clearance citizens dedicated to improving the lot of the masses**, has charged that the device only detects those citizens susceptible to pain. Secondly, there have been a number of charges levelled that the system was directly responsible for the incomplete filing of Sector_Decontamination_Request_429-79, and thereby is causally related to the Toothpaste_Disaster itself. Other claims that the devices received circuits from Defective_Batch_ACA675T09-XXXX have thus far proved unfounded.

*: See the Official List of Greatest Things Since Other Things, 54th revision.

**: A ridiculous claim, and treasonous to boot, as it directly implies that there are deficiencies in the care given by the Computer and its trusted servants. When is CPU going to admit they were wrong in accepting Sanctioned Society Request Form LIES//z5?

-- Servs-U-RIT-7

Refs: Defective_Batch_ACA675T09-XXXX, Low-Clearance_Rights_group, Sector_Decontamination_Request_429-79, Toothpaste_Disaster


I still maintain that Omega-U's work in this regard is misguided at best. Paperwork contains information; information is power; power maintains the integrity of Alpha Complex. Ergo, the more paperwork we create, the more stable Alpha Complex becomes. Paperwork reduction is a Commie plot! For further information, please read some of my monographs on the subject: "The N-Form Equation," "More Documentation For A Brighter Tomorrow", and "Why Paperwork Is Double-Plus Good."

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

This is why I make all of my PLC staff fill out Form Completion Forms for every form, including other Form Completion Forms. My PLC workload and output have never been greater! Soon, we will have an entire sector filled with nothing but Form Completion Forms, which is the envy of every other PLC sector in the complex! Friend Computer understands my genius, why don't you?

-- Omega-U-MAN-5

The problem, Omega-U, is that you lack a proper understanding of bureaucratic algebra. According to the N-Form Equation, recursive form sequences follow a logarithmic scale in which, as the actual number of recursive forms filled approaches infinity, the Independent Form Value approaches a limit of 3. As you can imagine, this severely limits the practical application of recursive form sequences such as your childishly ingenious Form Completion Form. Friend Computer would be better served if you spent your time devising new paperwork, rather than burying your sector beneath mounds of mindless drivel.

-- Jan-U-ARY-31

I think that you ignore the implications of the negative lookahead assertions in the pattern from your equation, Jan-U. My empirical useability studies show massively increased satisfaction in my sector ever since we terminated those commies who were treasonously sabotaging our surveys with false data about such nonsense as being "overworked" and even "underappreciated." No doubt your complaints stem from your jealousy of my brilliant managing skills.

-- Omega-U-MAN-5

Jealousy of your managing skills? You've managed MAN sector into the ground. The reason for your sector's massive increase in satisfaction is that you've managed to terminate 99% of your sector's population, allowing your own massive self-satisfaction to skew the results! Your complete inability to grasp the negative synergy between the Commie Catcher [TM] and the Form Completion Form just goes to show that you're scarcely capable of managing a ToasterBot, let alone an entire sector.

-- Jan-U

Now, now, girls, you're both pretty. Claws in!

As regards the meaningful subject at hand, I think if we all step back and look at the system we can agree that there is a benefit to be gained from having a simple and consistent document that anyclone can understand and complete, even (and perhaps especially) something as mindless as Form Completion Forms. While I agree the Commie Catcher [TM] has perhaps altered the demographics of MAN sector a little too much, we all know and understand the peace of mind that Citizens can find in having correctly completed a form. The FCF seems to serve this purpose well.

Jan-U's point about new paperwork is a very salient one, however: The world is always changing-- R&D brings us new technology; Internal Security learns of new threats from within our halls; Armed Forces goes off half-cocked on widespread massacres; Power and Tech... fix doors or something-- and PLC needs to adapt to handle these new circumstances. Are last year's forms going to take this year's innovations into account? No, of course not. And so even if you have somehow reached what you believe is a pinnacle of operational efficiency for the moment, Omega-U, it can't last forever. Always ask yourself, What is the next form I'm going to need?

-- Knok-U-OUT-5

Ahh, it is for such things that I invented the ingenious DebateIsFutileResolutionForm which is truely the marvel of all PLC sectors, second perhaps to the Summary Execution Vouchers ... I will have to consult the my copy of the Official List of Greatest Things Since Other Things, 54th revision, to be certain. In any event, I assure you that I have plenty of other forms in the works, all of which will display different facets of the same overwhelming brilliance I possess with regards to form creation.

-- Omega-U-MAN-5

Omega-U is a master of the truth behind paperwork. We could all learn a lot from him. Happy screams of agonized joy will abound among my minions!

-- Drake-U-LAH-1


2013-06-13 13:52